Posted:
Hey All,
Here I am with another Rambling piece, a short one and not proof-read. Its been some time since I was inspired to write anything, so please excuse the lack of quality 😳
This one is for Meet😊... probably the only person on the forum I am afraid of. Her threat made me post this piece today 😆
The lines that made me choose this title:
Jab ghunghru si bajtee hain boondein
Armaan hamare palke na mundein
***
Is this what people mean when they say you cannot escape your mistakes of the past? I wonder if there will ever be a time when Shagun's shadow will not fall on my life. My mother, bless her heart, is quite frank. She has no qualms in berating Shagun with her acid tongue. But that doesnt seem to stop my ex-wife at all. I had allowed her presence in my home. I wonder if my consideration for Adi's feelings will be my downfall.
The first half of the party had been quite pleasant. I was curious to know Bala and Vandu's story. I was expecting them to have met under more traditional circumstances and have an arranged marriage. Goes to show how much I know about relationships! Next, when Amma started telling her moment with Appa, I was really controlling my giggle. I was so close to blurting out that I knew how romantic Appa was. After all, didn't he think of me as Amma when I was sleeping over at the Iyers? I don't even remember why I was there. Time flies so fast. The memory evokes a strange contentment. I just realised that I am already making new memories with Ishita and her family. Who says a marriage is only about romantic memories?
Oh, someone stop my mother. In her drive to compete with Amma, she just embarrasses my dad and every one of her children. I am not even sure if the incident she mentioned really happened or if she just made it up to shut Amma up? What did I ever do to deserve the quirkiest mother on earth.
Boy, was I glad that the women were narrating stories. If anyone had asked me about moments with Ishita, I would have been dumbfounded. Oh yes, I had moments and memories. I can remember every time she was close to me. I can remember her scent. I can count her eye lashes, I can hear myself breathing. But I don't have anything to share that WE would have remembered in the same way. Would she remember how restless I was when she was sewing the button on my shirt? Would she remember how scorching the moment was when we were caught under the shower? Would she remember the look in my eyes from when I woke up to the sight of her trying to fix her blouse? I guess she has memories too, I just realised how I know nothing about what she feels. I was too busy rationalising my feelings and actions.
One of these days I am going to strangle Param. He is lucky I love my sister and even have enormous self-control to not throw him out every time I see him under my roof. He knew what he was asking of Shagun. I had just begun to forget she was there. She started talking about a time in our life when everything was rosy. I remember every detail, of course. I couldn't forget it even if I wanted to. I had spent 6 years of my life re-living every memory with Shagun. Only now, there wasn't regret, it was shame. When she concluded that story, the anger that came over me was directed inwards. I couldn't believe it that I was once gullible. I couldn't believe it that I was so lost in her eyes that I never thought of peeking into her soul. I once thought she was my lucky charm. I was the biggest fool on earth. How could I not be mad at myself?
Once my anger cooled down, I remembered the look on my wife's face. At first I thought Shagun's words were causing Ishita pain. Maybe that's what triggered that pain. Lord knows Shagun has a way of clawing at people's hearts. But what if Ishita's tears were for something else. What if she felt that her relationship with me was empty? Did she want to be a part of a bond that didn't involve anyone else but us? Was she really missing the moments that we never had? Was she regretful that we didnt have any moments to miss? I had to find out. If I didn't find out today, I would never get the courage to approach it again. I guess I should thank Shagun for shaking both Ishita and me out of our inertia. Well, I am hoping Ishita feels the same as me. If not, I guess it won't be the first time my feelings are unrequited.
The storm was raging outside, but there was a strange quietness in the car. I had never known Ishita to be so quiet and calm unless there was something on her mind. I got the opening I needed when she asked me to stop the car. This was it. How did I not do this before. How did I not want to feel her hair in my fist before? HOw did I not want to touch the silkiness of her skin before? How did I not want to graze my thumb on her cheek and see it turn crimson before this moment? How did I miss the drops of water on her lips in the rains before this one? I can see the lips quivering. Are they quivering in anticipation? Are they scared? Are they not ready for me? Or is is just the weather? What am I doing? I never even asked her if she wanted this. I didnt ask her if she was ready for this. As much as I am used to rejection, I wouldnt be able to live with myself if I make her feel uncomfortable in my presence. As much as I want to hold her in my arms and feel warmth in the cold wetness, I don't want her to feel trapped. I don't want her to feel she owes me something. I guess, I don't want her to feel any different about me. She calls me insensitive, but I know she likes me. If I cross this line today, she may just stop thinking about me completely. I'd rather be insensitive than be inconsiderate or worse, isolated from her.
To say that I was relieved the next morning would be an understatement. I was looking at her and trying to find out if there were glimpses of anything. I didn't expect my Jhansi ki Rani to be coy and blushing. But I didnt expect her to look so cheerful either. There was no trace of guilt or shame or regret in her eyes. If anything, there was a playfulness in her eyes that I had never seen before. Was she really happy now? Did I make her feel that way? As I walked out to go to the office, I couldn't stop humming some old tune. I couldn't help but visualize everything that happened since last night. I know the moment yesterday would have qualified as the best romantic moment, had it been discussed and compared like in the party yesterday. But my selfish heart doesn't want to share it with anyone else. I hope she doesn't tell anyone either.
"The Sun after the rain is much beautiful than the Sun before the rain!" - Mehmet Murat ildan
*** So how was it?
PS: I deliberately didn't write about the balm scene... If and when I write about Ishita's thoughts, I will include it there. I think its more relevant to her thoughts.
Here I am with another Rambling piece, a short one and not proof-read. Its been some time since I was inspired to write anything, so please excuse the lack of quality 😳
This one is for Meet😊... probably the only person on the forum I am afraid of. Her threat made me post this piece today 😆
The lines that made me choose this title:
Jab ghunghru si bajtee hain boondein
Armaan hamare palke na mundein
***
Is this what people mean when they say you cannot escape your mistakes of the past? I wonder if there will ever be a time when Shagun's shadow will not fall on my life. My mother, bless her heart, is quite frank. She has no qualms in berating Shagun with her acid tongue. But that doesnt seem to stop my ex-wife at all. I had allowed her presence in my home. I wonder if my consideration for Adi's feelings will be my downfall.
The first half of the party had been quite pleasant. I was curious to know Bala and Vandu's story. I was expecting them to have met under more traditional circumstances and have an arranged marriage. Goes to show how much I know about relationships! Next, when Amma started telling her moment with Appa, I was really controlling my giggle. I was so close to blurting out that I knew how romantic Appa was. After all, didn't he think of me as Amma when I was sleeping over at the Iyers? I don't even remember why I was there. Time flies so fast. The memory evokes a strange contentment. I just realised that I am already making new memories with Ishita and her family. Who says a marriage is only about romantic memories?
Oh, someone stop my mother. In her drive to compete with Amma, she just embarrasses my dad and every one of her children. I am not even sure if the incident she mentioned really happened or if she just made it up to shut Amma up? What did I ever do to deserve the quirkiest mother on earth.
Boy, was I glad that the women were narrating stories. If anyone had asked me about moments with Ishita, I would have been dumbfounded. Oh yes, I had moments and memories. I can remember every time she was close to me. I can remember her scent. I can count her eye lashes, I can hear myself breathing. But I don't have anything to share that WE would have remembered in the same way. Would she remember how restless I was when she was sewing the button on my shirt? Would she remember how scorching the moment was when we were caught under the shower? Would she remember the look in my eyes from when I woke up to the sight of her trying to fix her blouse? I guess she has memories too, I just realised how I know nothing about what she feels. I was too busy rationalising my feelings and actions.
One of these days I am going to strangle Param. He is lucky I love my sister and even have enormous self-control to not throw him out every time I see him under my roof. He knew what he was asking of Shagun. I had just begun to forget she was there. She started talking about a time in our life when everything was rosy. I remember every detail, of course. I couldn't forget it even if I wanted to. I had spent 6 years of my life re-living every memory with Shagun. Only now, there wasn't regret, it was shame. When she concluded that story, the anger that came over me was directed inwards. I couldn't believe it that I was once gullible. I couldn't believe it that I was so lost in her eyes that I never thought of peeking into her soul. I once thought she was my lucky charm. I was the biggest fool on earth. How could I not be mad at myself?
Once my anger cooled down, I remembered the look on my wife's face. At first I thought Shagun's words were causing Ishita pain. Maybe that's what triggered that pain. Lord knows Shagun has a way of clawing at people's hearts. But what if Ishita's tears were for something else. What if she felt that her relationship with me was empty? Did she want to be a part of a bond that didn't involve anyone else but us? Was she really missing the moments that we never had? Was she regretful that we didnt have any moments to miss? I had to find out. If I didn't find out today, I would never get the courage to approach it again. I guess I should thank Shagun for shaking both Ishita and me out of our inertia. Well, I am hoping Ishita feels the same as me. If not, I guess it won't be the first time my feelings are unrequited.
The storm was raging outside, but there was a strange quietness in the car. I had never known Ishita to be so quiet and calm unless there was something on her mind. I got the opening I needed when she asked me to stop the car. This was it. How did I not do this before. How did I not want to feel her hair in my fist before? HOw did I not want to touch the silkiness of her skin before? How did I not want to graze my thumb on her cheek and see it turn crimson before this moment? How did I miss the drops of water on her lips in the rains before this one? I can see the lips quivering. Are they quivering in anticipation? Are they scared? Are they not ready for me? Or is is just the weather? What am I doing? I never even asked her if she wanted this. I didnt ask her if she was ready for this. As much as I am used to rejection, I wouldnt be able to live with myself if I make her feel uncomfortable in my presence. As much as I want to hold her in my arms and feel warmth in the cold wetness, I don't want her to feel trapped. I don't want her to feel she owes me something. I guess, I don't want her to feel any different about me. She calls me insensitive, but I know she likes me. If I cross this line today, she may just stop thinking about me completely. I'd rather be insensitive than be inconsiderate or worse, isolated from her.
To say that I was relieved the next morning would be an understatement. I was looking at her and trying to find out if there were glimpses of anything. I didn't expect my Jhansi ki Rani to be coy and blushing. But I didnt expect her to look so cheerful either. There was no trace of guilt or shame or regret in her eyes. If anything, there was a playfulness in her eyes that I had never seen before. Was she really happy now? Did I make her feel that way? As I walked out to go to the office, I couldn't stop humming some old tune. I couldn't help but visualize everything that happened since last night. I know the moment yesterday would have qualified as the best romantic moment, had it been discussed and compared like in the party yesterday. But my selfish heart doesn't want to share it with anyone else. I hope she doesn't tell anyone either.
"The Sun after the rain is much beautiful than the Sun before the rain!" - Mehmet Murat ildan
*** So how was it?
PS: I deliberately didn't write about the balm scene... If and when I write about Ishita's thoughts, I will include it there. I think its more relevant to her thoughts.
Shiv Shakti
