FF : Tere Mere Darmiyaan LAST PART pg-87 dt.10.10.14 - Page 55

Chapter 16

With one hand deposited in his pocket, dutta strode down the corridor of the hospital. These three weeks in the hospital on that bed were terrible for him. He felt caged and bounded in that small room where he had nothing to do except for to wait to recover and heal. So did he manage to heal? He glanced at nakusha who walked along with him. Did her wounds heal as well? He sighed deeply. He didn't have an answer.

For most of the day hours she would be there in the hospital to take care of him and in between when he would sleep then she would go home for some time to check on annay. It had been hard for her to hide from annay that why he wouldn't be home for so many days. Therefore one evening when annay was adamant on seeing him, she had to bring him along. He wasn't in a good shape and didn't want his nephew to see him in such a state because for annay, his uncle had always been a strong man and not some weak patient confined to bed. For a moment he had wished that nakusha had hidden the truth from annay but then honestly speaking he was tired of hiding truths from his family. It was high time that he stopped projecting himself as picture perfect, someone who couldn't be wrong or someone who couldn't go weak. He was human with too many flaws and if both annay and his wife would see him like that, it would pain him but he wouldn't complain.

Coming back to nakusha, she had insisted on staying back in the nights too but he didn't agree and remained firm that during the nights, annay wouldn't stay alone in the house. She would have to be with him. Plus he wanted her to have at least some sound sleep. So every morning after he'd wake up, he'd find her standing silently near the window. This silence loomed over them like a blanket of clouds in a sky, which blocked the penetration of fresh light in their lives instead what stayed and remained between them was her pain and his guilt. That's what he believed was between them.

These three weeks made him value her even more. Even though she had always been special and important yet he chose not to acknowledge the fact that how with every passing day she was becoming an integral part of his life. After what he had done to her, had someone else been in her place, she would have abandoned him and not even care to look back at him but she didn't react the way he'd expected. That night was like a black spot in their lives and he didn't attempt to wash off that spot by seeking her forgiveness because some sins were unforgivable and even she never tried to darken that spot by highlighting his heinous crime and increasing his pang of guilt. Instead she just went silent and distant. And her reply that she was still by side because he needed her and she needed him was something that he would never forget. Her reply had been simple, straightforward and yet had so much of depth into it just like the way she was. How easily the words had escaped her lips and they were absolutely true. In his heart he knew that he really needed someone like her in his life. No, not someone like her but only her however his arrogant mind would have neither accepted this truth nor it would have allowed him to blurt it out before her. And he felt that not because she decided to stay back after that incident but because his wounded and bleeding heart truly needed her. Fine, he might be acting selfish by desiring to always have her by his side but what struck him the most was that even she believed that she needed himin her life. He peered at her as she walked with him and failed to comprehend why would she need a flawed man like him? Apart from giving her pain and making her life hell, what else could he do for her?

Sliding behind the wheel, he started the engine and put his sedan in motion. The sun was setting down and cool breeze blew. Finally after so many days he was out in the open where he could see the sky above him. Nakusha wrapped the shawl more tightly around herself, although February was ending still the evening and the nights were cooler compared to the days.

" main tujhe kahin le kar jaana chahta hoon..chalegi?" his tone was unsure. She eyed him curiously before slowly nodding her head. And then both of them had their eyes on the road ahead. He stopped the car in front of the gates of the old house he often visited when he was distressed. Getting down he pushed open the gates and drove in. Even though he was discharged just an hour back, he climbed the porch steps in a single fluid motion stopping at the door. Nakusha who was trotting behind him found him moving one of the flower pots outside the door to retrieve a key underneath it. What an old way of hiding keys. He slipped the key into the lock and the door swung open with a squeak. Moving in, her eyes wandered around taking in the surroundings. It was cold inside. The stone walls and pine flooring had dulled over the years and the red curtains did little to hide the cracks beneath the windows. The armrests and the cushions on the sofa were almost completely worn out. The mortar on the fireplace had begun to crack. Near the door was a small side table bearing two photo frames that had his childhood pictures and a record player that was way older than him. He opened one of the windows and gazed out. By then she was standing next to the table admiring the photographs. Outside the sun was dropping further behind the trees making the small room even darker.

" jab main pareshan hota hoon toh aksar yahaan aa jaata hoon..ek ajeeb sa sakoon milta hai." His sudden voice startled her forcing her to tear her gaze away from the photographs and look at him. She failed to understand why he had brought her here and why was he giving her a peek into his past when he otherwise kept it closely guarded.

" tu jab pareshan hoti hai toh kya karti hai?" his question surprised her even more. Was he really interested in knowing about her problems and how she dealt with them? She stared at him to gauge his expressions, was he actually serious? He seemed so. She dropped her gaze and took a moment to think. Unlike him she didn't have any place to visit that offered her solace. She didn't have anyone in her life with who she could share her joys and sorrows. Opening her mouth she struggled to reply," main.." He noticed her hesitation and promptly replied for her," janta hoon..tu bappa ke pass jaati hai nah?" She meekly nodded her head. It was hard to believe that he knew something so personal about her without her ever telling him.

Thrusting both his hands in his pockets he turned to look out of the window. His eyes fixed on the old swing in the lawn. He was busy reliving his childhood through his memories when she came and stood next to him.

" is ghar se mere bachpan ki sabe khoobsurat yaadein judi hui hain." As he told her, his eyes sparkled and there was calmness on his face which she had rarely seen. He exhaled deeply and continued," yeh ghar bhale hi chota tha lekin ismein khushiyan bahut badi thi." There was happiness with a tinge of sadness as he spoke about the house. He seemed really attached to this place.

However, soon the room fell into deep silence. She didn't touch the topic further, if he'd chosen to stop talking about it then she wouldn't push him. The fact that he had himself brought her to this place and shared something about his childhood and his past on his own was quite special for her.

Sometime later without saying anything he turned on his heel and walked out of the entrance door. Striding down the stairs he went to the lawn. Just as the house was wearing off even the lawn was unkept and needed maintenance. He sat down on the muddy grass with both legs bent from the knees and his arms resting on his knees.

Like before this time too she quietly followed him. When she joined him, he was gazing at the trees ahead whose branches swayed in the light breeze but she could feel that his mind was elsewhere. With nothing to say and do she dropped her head and plucked the wild grass and coiled it around her finger.

" yahan par baba aur main khoob cricket khela karte the."

"main dus saal ka tha jab unko dil ka daura pada aur woh guzar gaye." Her lowered head at once shot up and she found herself looking at him. His face was creased in pain. He didn't meet her eyes, he continued to gaze ahead. But she could sense that he was quite close to his father. Then why did he refuse to celebrate his birth anniversary? Why did he smash that photo frame? Several questions started to churn in her mind but she restrained herself from voicing them. Instead of asking she wished to listen to him.

" aur uske do saal baad aayi bhi guzar gayi." He paused and swallowed hard, she saw the movement of his throat pulsing and knew this was difficult for him.

" log kehte hain ki woh ek hadsaa tha..par main nahin maanta..woh hadsaa nahin tha..maine apni aayi ki jaan li thi." Her eyes turned wide and her jaw dropped on hearing him. How could he say that? How could he have killed his own mother? He felt her sharp gaze on himself and turned his neck to look at her. He found shock and uncertainty in his eyes, as if she didn't believe him at all. Glancing in her eyes he slowly nodded his head. It was true.

" meri wajah se aayi itni dukhi, pareshaan aur bebas thi ki usne jeene ki iccha hi chod di." She could still not believe that he had killed her or was in anyway responsible for his mother's death. No child could kill his mother.

" nahin sahab..aap aisa nahin kar sakte." She whispered softly. The belief in her eyes that he couldn't do something like that irked him. Only if she knew the whole truth she wouldn't say this. He clenched his jaws and spoke through gritted teeth," agar aisi baat nahin hai toh phir kyun usne meri awaaz nahin suni? Kyun mere itne rokne par woh nahin ruki? Kyun ek gaadi ke aage aa kar usne apni jaan de di?" turning away his head to the other side he shut his eyes in disgust and pain. He remembered how he was running behind her mother to stop her but she failed to hear him. She was completely broken down because of him. Not in her senses, she was aimlessly walking in the middle of the road when a car came and hit her.

He could never forget that incident. Not just that, the whole evening was unforgettable. When he opened his eyes they were welled up but he didn't let his tears fall. He held them.

" aayi ne mujhe aisi sazaa di hai jo main aaj tak bhugat raha hoon." His past haunted and tortured him. Although somewhere he believed that he deserved it yet he couldn't deny that it was unbearably painful for him to endure

A terrible ache filled her heart to see him like this. The death of his mother made him miserable and she felt that his nightmares were also related to his mother. He could never come out of that accident.

" holi ka din tha..har koi khush tha..rangon mein dooba hua tha..aur main sadak ke ek kone mein apni khoon se lathpath aayi ko lekar baitha hua tha." There was extreme bitterness, rage and sadness in his voice. Slanting her head slightly she helplessly stared at him. No wonder he hated colors and the festival of holi was never celebrated in Patil Niwas. No wonder the other day he reacted like that on seeing that rangoli. Those colors had discolored his life.

Looking down at his hands he continued," mere inhi haathon mein aayi ne dum toad diya aur main kuch nahin kar saka.. main itna kamzor ...majboor aur lachaar tha." While stressing on the last words he deeply hated himself.

She could clearly imagine a young helpless boy on the road, holding the body of his mother drenched in blood in his arms and the mother soon succumbing to her injuries. How traumatic it must have been for him to see his loved one die in front of him and he being unable to save her? The thought made her heart wrench. Tonight she could easily feel and understand what he had been and was going through all these years. She knew how it felt to live under the guilt that one was responsible for one's mother's death. Ever since she was born her family and the world around her blamed her for taking away her mother's life. Since childhood she was coerced to live with this ache and guilt. However in his case no one held him responsible but still he had a heavy burden of guilt on his soul. And strangely he had taken this burden on himself on his own. She knew that she wasn't wrong hence her pain was still bearable but he refused to believe that he wasn't wrong thus his pain was far worse than hers. Was this also one of the reasons why he had decided to marry her? They both were enduring the same kind of agony and guilt. Although he couldn't set himself free of this guilt but at least he saved her from this taunting society.

With compassion in her eyes she peered at him and said," kyun khudh ko dosh dete ho sahab? Aapki ismein koi galti nahin thi..ek chota bachcha us waqt kya kar sakta tha?" she strongly believed that he was blaming himself for no reason, he was so young and on top of that all alone, in such a situation how could he have saved her mother from dying?

He shook his head in disagreement and replied," kaise khudh ko dosh na doon...agar main itna bura nahin hoon toh phir kyun har koi mujhe chod kar chala jaata hai..pehle baba phir aayi uske baad kala tayi..sab ek ek kar ke mujhse door chale gaye."

Life and death were not in one's hands. It was extremely sad that in his life he had lost his closed ones. She was unable to glance away from him and silently gazed at him. Looking at him, looking at the broad shoulders slumped in defeat, at the bowed head, at this strong man suddenly brought low in despair, she realized the sad truth. She was in love with him. And the realization shook her. But hadn't it always been like this?

She recalled the first night in the hospital sitting by his bedside wondering what had compelled her to go and search for him? Why hadn't she abandoned him? Why she couldn't bring herself to hate him? She didn't have answers then but now she had. She was truly and deeply in love with him. More than that the faith that she had in him was unshakable. She firmly believed that this man could never ever see her in distress. And she was feeling that way not because she was blinded in love but time and again he had himself proved how much her ache ached him. Even though that night he had been horrible to her still her heart refused to believe that he actually intended to hurt and punish her. Till date she couldn't figure out what made him react like that but one thing was certain that, that dark and ugly side was not his side.

She was still juggling with her thoughts when suddenly he lifted his head and looking at her said," main janta hoon ek din tu aur annay bhi mujhe akela kar doge?" he shook his head in certainty, he was damn sure the day he disclosed the darkest secrets of his past, she would leave him.

His words pierced through her heart. The vulnerability on his face and the fear in his eyes to lose annay and her, made her teary. And she couldn't stand to see him hurting. She had to do what she could to ease the sting. She lifted her hand to press his shoulder but then stopped in the middle. She was hesitant and started to move back. But then she remembered that this was her husband, complicated and messed up. Her husband who was hurt and was still hurting. Who needed her as she had told him. His head hung low when she reached out and softly pressed his shoulder. Meeting his intense gaze she assured him," annay hamesha aapke pass rahega aur main..main kahan jayegi?" His eyes still had that fear, as though it was hard for him to trust his destiny. But why did he think like that? What was it that scared him so much? Was he still hiding something from her? Maybe...yes.

But tonight on his own he had decided to reveal his past to her then why was he holding something back? What was it that he could still not share with her? As though he read her mind and the questions that were floating in her eyes and at once pulled up the walls around him and said," achcha meri baat chod..tu bataa."

" teri aayi nahin thi toh phir tera baba toh tera aur bhi zyada khayal aur pyar karta hoga?" his sudden and direct question relating to her father left her stunned. It took her a while to answer him. This time she looked away and smirked before replying ," haan..woh nakku se kuch zyada hi pyaar karta tha." Without daring to meet his hooded eyes she began telling him how much her fatherloved her. Like others he too believed that it was her fault that her mother died while delivering her. As much as he loved his late wife, he hated the sight of her. He was a cruel and merciless alcoholic who sought pleasure in abusing and beating her. He wasn't a father but a sadist. He punished her not once or twice a week but daily whenever he spotted her. Every nerve of her body dreaded him and every piece of flesh on her bones shrank when he cornered her. There were times when she was bewildered by the terror he aroused because she had no one to bail her out of that hell. Her step sister turned a blind eye and deaf ear to his atrocities.

Dutta flinched as anger boiled within him. He didn't wish to hear yet he held on to every word that escaped her lips. She continued to bare her battered soul to him by narrating the most horrific night of her life when he asked her to get his bottle of alcohol for him. The seven year old girl shivered at the task that was given to her because she knew that the alcohol unleashed the beast inside him. Still with trembling hands she picked up the bottle and was about to give it to him when accidently the bottle slipped from her tiny hands and shattered on the floor. Her heart pounded loudly inside her chest as she gazed at the broken glass pieces. She knew he would strike soon. She felt his loathed gaze on herself that lasted for a minute or two before he struck suddenly and strongly. Like a fragile flower she fell on the floor and the glass pieces pierced her face leaving her in a pool of blood. She cried in pain and found her father sniggering down at her.

Touching the scar on her face she remembered what he had said to her," teri aisi badsurat shakal se pyar karna toh bahut door ki baat...koi is par thookna bhi pasand nahin karega." Back then she was too young to understand what love and beauty' meant but as she grew up the people around her taught her the real meaning of love' and beauty'. Her eyes ached with unshed tears.

Her father disgusted dutta, he claimed that he loved his wife but he hated his daughter who was a part of his wife? How much she must have suffered because of her father and sister. He could see that she was curbing her emotions and fighting back her tears. Physically she had escaped her father but emotionally she was still his prisoner. He thought back of the night when for the first time she had waited for dinner for him and suddenly her behavior had changed. Now he understood why she'd looked petrified, seeing him drink had brought her troubled past alive. Even the other night he was drunk when he assaulted her. He cringed and hated himself even more.

He slowly lifted his arm and wrapped it around her. Tugging her close to himself he thought she might resist but she didn't. She leaned in to him and rested her head on his shoulder. Shutting her eyes she allowed tears to flow down freely. She desperately needed to breakdown and get over the pain and trauma that she had buried within her. He didn't say anything to her as no word would comfort her. Instead he held her close and let her lighten the heavy emotional baggage that she'd been carrying for years. Holding her in his arm, he sensed that they were both lonely, albeit in different ways. He was a face in a nameless crowd and she was a solitary figure in this vast world.

" ek baat bataa tu khudh ko nakku kyun kehti hai?" he had often noticed that in the middle of a conversation she would call herself nakku' he didn't know why?

She raised her head and moved back. Wiping away her tears she forced a smile on her face and answered," baba ne bahut soch samajh kar mera naam rakha Nakusha' matlab jiski kisi ko koi zaroorat na ho..jise koi chahta na ho." Turning to look at him she continued," ab koi pyar karne wale toh tha nahin isliye main khudh ko nakku bolke pyar karne lagi..dard thoda kam ho jata tha." She thought he would smile at her stupid reasoning but he didn't. He was silently staring at her, searching her face and her...soul. His unwavering gaze unnerved her and she unconsciously adjusted her loose tendril that covered her scar. He held her raised hand and slowly shook his head. She didn't need to hide her scar(s) from him. Overwhelmed by his tenderness and the feelings that arose inside her, she pulled her hand back and stood up on her feet.

" Bahut der ho gayi hai..ab humein ghar chalna chaiye..annay apka intezar kar raha hoga."

He nodded his head and rose on his feet to leave. They soon reached home, it was hardly a five minutes drive. Laxmi opened the door for them and asked warmly," bhau ab aapki tabiyet kaisi hai?" looking ahead of her and around the empty house he asked ignoring her concern," annay so gaya kya?" laxmi lowered her eyes to hide the disappointment on being snubbed and replied softly," jee..apka intezaar karte karte thak gaya tha ..toh so gaya." Nakusha stepped aside to head toward the kitchen after saying," main khaana laga ti hai." With his hands behind his back he strode to annay's room. His lips stretched slightly on seeing his nephew sleep peacefully. In the hospital he had missed him a lot. He bent down and ruffled his hair before pulling up the blanket for him.

As always dinner was a quiet affair. Although he missed being at home, spending time with annay but food was never an issue for him. Thanks to the lady sitting opposite to him who was nibbling on her plate, he was fortunate to have food cooked by her in the hospital where the annoying smell of antiseptics and medicines hung in the air.

While having his last morsel he peered at her, she seemed least interested in eating and was lost somewhere else but where and why? Perhaps she wished to say something but was struggling. He poured himself water when she pulled her head up and asked warily," sahab main agar aapse kuch maange toh aap doge?" without blinking an eyes he said," haan." And began drinking water.

" pucca?"

Putting the glass down he eyed her curiously and knotted his brows. What was it that she desired to ask from him? Even though he said yes still she seemed unsure.

" saaf saaf bol kya kehna chahti hai?" he didn't appreciate her talking in riddles. He wanted her to come out straight and clear. She took a deep breath to gather her courage and said," sahaab aap vaada karo ki aaj ke baad kabhi bhi apni jaan khatre mein nahin daloge ...aur chahe kuch bhi ho jaaye us bhayanak jagah ladne toh bilkul nahin jaaoge."

He liked risking his life and living on the edge. That fighting ring meant a lot to him. It was a place where he vented out his pain, agony and frustration. It gave him the strength to face himself and the world. How would he do without it?

She saw him not replying and getting up from the dining chair. Disheartened that his life meant nothing to him and that he failed to notice the ordeal that she and annay went through because of him, she averted her gaze. A moment later she heard him say," theekh hai." Relief swept through her body and she looked up at him with softness in her eyes. However he didn't meet her gaze and quietly left to his room.

After clearing the table and putting away the dishes nakusha came to the room and found him still standing at the edge of the bed with fingers curled up in a fist. She went round the bed and picked up a spare pillow and a blanket. Dropping them on the couch she began opening the blanket when his agonized voice cut through the silence between them as he asked," tere liye kya sab kuch bhulana itna asaan hai?" the images of his dreadful act flooded his mind the moment his gaze fell on that bed. In his absence she slept in this very room. He couldn't imagine the trauma she must have gone through while sleeping in it. How could she ignore or forget all that so easily?

She glanced over her shoulder, his back was facing her as he continued to stare at the bed.

" sahab , nakku us raat ko dafann kar dena chahti hai..khudh ko aur apko us raat se azaad kar dena chahti hai." She lowered herself on the couch and closed her eyes after covering herself with the blanket. She had two options, either she could hold on to that night, curse and blame him and make his and her own life a living hell or she could bury that night, give him, herself and their lives a chance to live and continue to hold on to her belief that who she saw that night was not the real him. She opted for the latter. Today she didn't have reasons or logics to support her belief but her heart wanted to trust him and by doing that at least she was at peace.

Dutta slumped on the bed. To him it was a bed of thorns. He glanced at her sleeping figure and wondered why didn't she punish him? Had she really forgiven him? How could she when he himself was unable to forgive and forget? He exhaled deeply. Sometimes not being punished is a huge punishment in itself!

Thanks for reading.

Rose