Posted:
If you thought the consumashuns episode was Shiv-Parvati ka Pavithra Sangam with Gods and Demi Gods standing in clouded heavens and showering flowers as the couple made the big bang theory that began the universe, stop, please do not read further.
But if you like me were more busy with practicalities and logistical issues of consumashuns, read on.
Major Saab decides some sexy times is the best way to beat the TRP blues.
So he gets sexy lingerie - a sari with strategic holes, slits and gaps that would fit the bill for what he had in mind. Then like any highly imaginative TV Land hero, he chooses a destination wedding night - a Cow Shed (Tabela)
Paro thinks they are there to play Cow Cow, but then Major Saab sings his love serenade leaving no doubt in Paro's mind that he is horny as hell. Then he quickly disappears to don his consumashuns costume that was specially ordered from www.BedBugsAndBeyond.com and came with a special bug repellant and water repellant coating. It was a blessing too in a bug infested hot cow shed. I hope for their sake, after the clothes were off, they used the mutli purpose LubriPest lubricant, which also came with bug repelling properties .
As Moonchiya does sexy times with Paro, my Colors TV channel went mute. I don't get W*F the channel thinks its doing by muting all the sexy talk between Parud - like that is what would prevent me from copying and pirating the show. Duh! I dont have to because apni and parayi communities do it better than me.
Now if you dont plan to show me bodice ripping, scream till your neighborhood plugs its ears kind of sex, then dont bother muting because on mute it appeared as if Moonchiya was trying to seduce Paro and Paro averted her face because he suffers from serious halitotis or maybe because she felt the itchy straw bed, or saw a dung-bee rolling its days stinky collection, or found a colony of cockroach merrily skittering about a pile of caked cow dung patties. Which is why she jumped on to Moonchiya's feet. But that was quite sexy!
Anyway, after much browsing (because I couldn't watch it at 9:30p), I found a site that took longer to buffer the show than it took to actually show the show. So at appropriate times, I paused and laved off (with my eyes of course) Moonchiya's sexy muscles. I tell you that I am in deep south of Kerala as we speak, so the humidity and the fact that my elderly parents buzzed around me, combined to make the consumashuns watching more like treason.
Anyway, after adding a dose of aphrodisiacs in imli, Parud airlift and reach the loft in the shed, a place that has seen more consumashuns that it cares to retell. After some musical exchange, and thank god neither would qualify for an Indian Idol show or we would lose them to another reality show, the two begin the slow, excruciating process of jewelry/clothing removal. I sure hope Paro's jewelry were not too expensive. As sexy as it is for the guy to unhook the earring and drop them nonchalantly into the staw pile, imagine the horrendous task of finding each piece the next day. Needle in a haystack.
And then, the body parts go on a party except the lips, because, hey lips are so blase and boring, when you have a zillion other body parts you can use. Besides, lips are banned from kissing...on TV unless the camera goes fuzzy or enough straw can be collected to hide the actors' faces.
Finally, Moonchiya thanks his water resistant shiny coat because as Murphy would have it, it begins to rain. Then they do it - or rather its implied they do it. Next morning, the post coital conversations are chaste and quite PG rated, but the hidden meanings, oh my god. I am sure the forum went beserk over the hidden meanings.
Give me my Choodiyan Major Saab - Hidden Meaning-> Viewers imagine rough-play when really Paro doesn't want to look for her jewelry in the muck. If he removed it, so he must get it.
Pehle Meri Jacket De - Hidden Meanings -> You bewakoof viewer, you think she got nothing under that jacket?
What I wanted was the hidden scenes between the time camera went fuzyy to the time day light broke. I think Mr. SorrowRub TeaWorry is planning to release a RangRasiya Cow Shed Mein Der Hai Andher Nahi - Sexy Times Special Edition on DVD only - and if he is not then he is a worse business man than I thought.
And the shirtless moonchiya on straw bed? m dad thud fainted! priceless. i hate paro, she gets to touch that hair but hey, i don't envy the major rash the two are going to sport after their dirty sports on the itchy straw!
All in all, after 8 months of waiting and many many nariyals in local temple, I got my wish, even though I have to wait for DVD edition to see the entire thing - but thats ok, I can wait. Meanwhile I will watch True Blood and imagine Paro and Rudra in place of Sookie and Alcid.
Anupamaa
