Dear husband,
How cruel you can get by each passing day. How could you leave me to collect myself and rode back to Agra, without a back glance? Were you so fed up with me and my company? Could you not try a bit more and convince me to join you to travel to Agra where I have my home? How could you deny my right to my home?
True I was angry with you for telling so many words at a stretch and that includes that your love for me has no value? How could you even doubt your love & care for me, even for a second? You might not have known my feelings but you were sure of yours and how can your feelings go wrong? How could you even suspect the capacity of your love which brought me back from the heavenly abode? How can anyone love his wife any better than you does and which fool will think there could be any lover better than you? Your doubt on my husbands love made me jolt and it has nothing to do with you questioning my integrity as my fidelity is safe in your hands. I could not stay there any longer as you yourself were questioning the intensity of your love and if you are confused on that, who am I to be firm to believe it as intact? So I thought it was better for me to leave a place where my husband doubts his feelings and emotions where I am concerned. But I could not leave the place without letting you know that I will not hurt myself as I didn't want you to think in negative and be pained, for a simple reason that you consider me as reckless when it comes to my life and might endanger it. But here I would like to tell you something (my secret) gone are those days where I cared a damn for my life because I was feeling lonely orphan who has no one to care but now that I know I have husband who counts my every breath and will be distressed, even if I have an uneven breathing missing one or two breaths. When you have totally occupied my soul and heart and mind, how can I think of death? Don't that mean you will also die along with me and can any wife who loves and cares for her husband even think in those lines and endanger her husband's life?
I was happy to see you at Matura and my heart beats were erratic and even before I could recover, I heard you were wounded and have lost blood and I could not help but send the lep for you thinking that you will recognize the lep and will realize I am around but what took you so long that even after eating the food prepared by me, you could not recognize it? I purposely added extra spice, so that you can recall my food? Were you so stressed that you had to hear my voice just to come to terms of my existence? But then what sort of dirty game you played Shehenshah? How could you even think I will bear your death news and separation? I really can't imagine how I carried my legs to the spot just to have one last glance before entering the holy pyre, but what did I see there? You were there to hold me before falling and that enraged me and made me shout on your carelessness which would have cost our life? How could you be so irresponsible? Your Jodha, who could not even bear the anticipation of your death and could put forth herself in place of you, how she would have borne the actual death news. How could you give me so much pain, my heart had missed many beats before it recovered and if I was raged and said few words, how could you take them to your heart and let me go with my father? Why you could not claim your right on my heart and soul there? Why you keep making mistakes after mistakes. One thing you let me go away from you and then you endangered yourself by travelling alone with just few bodyguards in the dense forest when you were aware of the fact that your enemies are everywhere and Abulmali was plotting for your life? Who gave you the right to decide against your safety? You are not just a lay man, you have the responsibility of the whole kingdom on your shoulders, you have mother, brothers, sisters and many more wives and how could you tax them just for one? And most of all, when you had surrendered your heart to me, and while you have allowed me to stay in your heart, how could you decide on the fate of that heart?
Do you have any idea what went in my mind when I heard my father narrating the attack on you and how fragile you were when Amer soldiers caught you from collapsing? And you had the gall to refuse the medication. Why could you not sense that my hands were shaky and I would have hurt your wounds than tending them? Otherwise would I have allowed someone else to attend to your wounds. If I could take the pain to apply the medicine to your wounds while I was angry on you, how would I not do that when I adore you? Why you could not understand that I love you when you saw that Kangan which you personally gave me (made me wear by yourself) on my hand, otherwise, I would have left it back at Agra along with other jewels. I was finding the solace of your absence by wearing that bangle and you thought it as an indirect way to attract your vision. As I could not take your direct question I said, I will not go with you but will come when I chose, but why you should accept it at once? Had I not written that, I left Agra not because I wanted to but because to follow your orders? Then why didn't you use that as an excuse to take me back? You could have said that now you want me to be with you forever and as a dutiful wife, I would have followed you, but you failed me there also. Can't you think that when girl says no the inner meaning will always be YES... Even if you could not realize my feelings or your emotions, how could you forget the blessings of SalimChistie who blessed me to give birth to your children? Can his blessings go wrong? So don't you think I need to be with you wherever you are so that Prophets blessing can become a reality.
The food doesn't taste, music doesn't sound nice and dance don't attract attention, don't feel like dressing. The morning cold breeze in the flower garden gives the impression of standing in the desert on a heated afternoon during hurricane. I feel the blisters on my skin than the soothing coolness. I can't even concentrate on performing Pooja to my beloved God Krishna as I miss you while doing the Aarti, I don't feel like going near the Tulsi pot as I will see you everywhere practicing your sword fight. I can' t even go to the palace garden as I miss our moments in Angoor Bagh where we have spent many nights just talking without realizing what we talked or what was the time. I don't feel like going out of my room as each corner of the Mahal reminds me of you in one or the other way. Where should I go which doesn't remind me of you? The ever loving Tulsi pot also mocks my loneliness by flaunting both Krishna Tulsi& Sri Tulsi together claiming, see they are together. I always use to love to watch the smiling moon in the clear sky and now Moon teases me telling see my Rukmini / Tara is twinkling next to me and what are you doing here on the open terrace all alone? The suflower also berates me by telling we are posing for our SUN and whom do you blossom? Even the pigeons and parrots are mocking my loneliness. I can't take it anymore. It is not long before I envy my parents and brothers, for they are staying together harmoniously and I want my husband to save me from that sin before I land into it. There is no excuse for me to neither reach Agra nor ask father to invite you to Amer on some pretext. Wish I had one unmarried sister or brother, so that I could have asked my father to fix their wedding and invite you here so that I can have your company and later go back with you to my home. But now I am earnestly asking you to invent some reason so that I can rush back to Agra, to you and to sweet my home. I may not even need the palanquin this time; I can ride on a horse back and not waste any time.
We were two human beings who are strange. We have EGO on our KNOWLEDGE,but don't have the KNOWLEDGE of our EGO. So we always mess up things. We have to learn to LIVE in the PRESENT as no amount of GUILT can change the PAST & no amount of WORRY can change the FUTURE. Minimum requirements and Maximum adjustments are the two steps of Happy & Successful Life.
Shehenshah, I assure you whole heartedly even on behalf of my husband that we will follow those simple steps to be happy and to keep the others in our life also happy. I have full faith in you and your justice, so please advise my husband, the dimwit Jalaluddin Moammad to look for ways and means to have me back in Agra where I have my little nest in his chest. This is an earnest request from a humble wife who has just a while ago found a meaning to her life.
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Ye Hai Mohabbatein
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
