"Am I bad person?" I asked into the air, feeling miserable. The shock and betrayal that was on Arjun's face was something I hadn't been able to live down. I twisted and turned in my bed not knowing what to do.
"Mishti, go to bed!" Onir scolded groggily.
"Sorry," I mumbled while beginning to get up. I obviously was not going to be able to get any sleep that night, so I decided to go outside and sit down on the porch.
It was dark outside, there were no lights in sight except for the bright stars.
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"Arjun, Iook at all the stars! They're so beautiful..."
"Mmm..."
I looked at Arjun and saw him gazing intently at me. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Am I not allowed to look at you?"
"Well... no..."
Arjun put wisps of my hair that were flying due to the wind behind my ear. "So, what were you saying about the stars?"
"They're beautiful."
"So you must be a star."
I looked up at him and saw sincerity in his eyes. I brushed his compliment off without getting emotional. "Not even close. I'm more like the dark sky," I giggled.
I felt Arjun wrap his arms around my waist and pull me backwards towards him. "No," he whispered so gently that I was barely able to hear him.
"No?"
He put his chin on my shoulder and kissed my cheek. "You are a star. You're unique, special, beautiful... I could go on and on."
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I winced after reminiscing the memories. "Okay, it's official. I'm a horrible person." I said to myself while running my fingers through my hair. I had hurt the one person that knew me and understood me more than I did myself.
"You're not a horrible person. You just made a bad choice."
"Arjun?" I was shocked to see him sitting next to me.
"You didn't do the right thing Purvi..."
"I know."
"Why didn't you just tell the truth earlier?"
"I was going to... but I couldn't mess up your relationship even more..."
"It could have actually saved it. Purvi, you knew before you even left!"
"I know..."
"You weren't scared of ruining our relationship. I know exactly what you were scared of."
"What?"
"Facing your family."
I looked down at my feet. "I don't know Arjun."
After a few moments of silence, I spoke again. "Sometimes I feel like living is just so pointless - I seem to mess everything up."
"Purvi, NEVER say that again."
"Arjun, you were the ONLY one who got me. The only one and I went ahead and screwed that up." I wasn't afraid to let the tears fall.
He heaved out a sigh and put his arm around my shoulders. I closed my eyes and let my head fall in the crook of his neck.
"I'm sorry."
"I know you are."
"You don't forgive me, do you?"
"Not yet at least."
"This is wrong," I finally said while untangling myself from his warm embrace.
After I let go of him, the wind felt like shards of ice - the world was so cold when I didn't have Arjun to face it with me.
I looked to my side and saw no one there. I knew it - I knew all along that this was just a figure of my imagination.
I got up and started to walk back inside.
"You okay?"
"Just perfect," I said with a roll of eyes.
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"Do you like the blue sock or the pink sock?" I asked my baby, holding one of each color in front of my stomach.
"Purvi... what are you doing?" Ovi asked while taking a seat.
"Oh... I was just knitting... it takes my mind off of things," I flatly said.
She pointed at a mint green sweater I had lying next to me. "That's so cute! Do you think you could make my baby one?"
I was a bit shocked at how kind Ovi was acting. Then, I remembered that moment of realization she had at the puja. "Oh, um sure! What color?"
"Do you think you could do yellow? I don't want to find out what gender the baby is yet..." Ovi said while putting her hand on her stomach.
I nodded and faked a smile.
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"Have you talked to Arjun?"
"Well..."
"Imagination doesn't count."
"Then no."
"Mishti, you have to talk to the guy. I saw him the other day, he just isn't himself."
"But what is there to say Onir?"
"Maybe we could actually start with helping you guys unite."
My face lit up at the thought of that. "REALLY?!"
"Mishti - again with the volume!"
"Sorry! Okay, so what plans do we have?"
"Well, first we have to talk to Ovi."
"WE?"
"Yes, we!"
"As if she'll even listen to me. For goodness sakes Onir, it's Ovi!"
"Fine, do you want me to talk to her first?"
"Yes please!"
"Okay, so let's start with that."
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"Ovi, are you alright?" Onir asked.
"I'm fine," she snapped while struggling to sit down.
Onir just gave Ovi a look until she finally agreed to accept his help..
"You'll keep everything about my pregnancy a secret, right?" Ovi asked, suddenly feeling scared.
"What do you mean?"
"Stop pretending Onir, you know who the real father is!" she yelled, her eyes diverting to her pregnancy reports lying on the bed.
Onir sighed. "Tell me how this all happened and I'll see."
"Well, Arjun and I got into a fight like always," Ovi said, sounding weak. "My friend Romil took me out to cheer me up... we're REALLY close... we got even closer afterwards..."
"You don't really love Arjun, do you?" Onir asked, completely changing the topic.
"It wasn't love... it was just infatuation... the feelings ended up passing after being so neglected and unloved," Ovi revealed, getting teary eyed.
I accidently knocked over a glass of water while trying to peer even deeper into the room. As soon as I saw it falling, I walked as quickly as I could to the next room and hid. Of course, the room just had to be Arjun's/the guest room.
"Arjun?" I called out, hearing no response. I heaved a sigh of relief.
I heard a commotion going on outside about what had happened with the glass of water and I decided it was safe to come out.
Teju ended up pulling me aside. "Woah Purvi, you look messy. What were you doing in Arjun's room, hmmm?"
My eyes went wide and I gasped. "Shut up Tej!" I turned away and began walking towards the crowd.
I turned my head around and saw Arjun coming out of his room, buttoning up his shirt. His hair was messy with a few fly-aways here and there just like mine. Teju began to laugh and Arjun looked at her as if she was a crazy person. Arjun diverted his gaze from Teju to me and I couldn't help but look away.
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Just before I was about to go to sleep, I heard a knock at the door. I knew it wasn't Onir as the local hospital needed him to work over night. Could it be Teju? Ovi? Arjun?
Just as I was about to get out of bed, the door opened and of course, it was Arjun standing in the doorway.
"Hi," was all that I managed to say.
"Hey," he began while closing the door behind him. I couldn't read what was on his face - I didn't see anger, but I didn't see happiness either. "I brought you something... I read in a parenting magazine that this would good for a pregnant mother to drink," he said, handing me an orange fluid in a glass cup.
"Thanks," I said while taking it and putting it on the nightstand.
"You're not going to drink it?" he asked.
"Um... how about you drink it first..." I suggested, hesitantly.
Arjun rolled his eyes and took a sip of the drink. His eyes went wide and he quickly spit it out into the cup. "I'll be right back," he informed while going out the door.
I smiled while watching him leave, but frowned as he went out of my sight. He was pretending to be okay and hold up well, I knew it. However, he really wasn't.
Arjun came back with a glass of milk and handed it to me. "Drink this," he commanded.
I nodded and drank it all.
He gave a shy smile. It was small, but genuine. He took the empty cup from me and put it on the night stand. "How's the baby?"
"It's been good. He or she has been kicking more often though and being naughty," I said with a chuckle.
"PURVI?" I heard aai call out.
I groaned. I really didn't want this moment to end, but at the same time I did. I couldn't stand seeing Arjun like this. He was just so miserable, but putting up a happy front which I obviously could see right through.
"I should go... bye Purvi."
"Bye Arjun... thank you for everything."
He nodded and walked out the door.
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Dear Arjun,
I love you and that's all I really know. I hope you're not suffering everyday like I am without you. I've been dying just to experience what your hugs and kisses still felt like. I could have really used your comfort at times from these past 6 months, but I really don't deserve it. I finally got to see you again and hear your voice. It really hurts knowing how bad your relationship with Ovi is. I don't know if you know this, but I really miss you ' I miss us. I'm going to try my best to make things right again, don't worry! It's getting really hard to tell you everything I want to say, but I'm trying my best. Why can't we just go back to those innocent days where we together and in love - just us against the world? You finally know about our little one, but I knew it wouldn't a fine and dandy encounter. The hurt in betrayal in your eyes killed me, Arjun. I'm not the same old Purvi anymore, though. I'm going to fight and stand up for our love and for our baby. I just wish I could hear you say you love me one more time. . . it's been 6 months since the last and that's what's been keeping me going. I can't stand to see you hurt. I really am not deserving or worthy of your love, I realized that today. However, our love will over come all and I'm positive of it.
Vasudha
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