Chapter 4 –
Everyone in Chopra house had accepted whatever took place. Veena sure was same, but others had acknowledged their mistake and were again in good terms with Siddhi. Siddhi too was content that once again she had her family and kids by her. But family was unaware Kunal was still not there. Actually no one knew where exactly Kunal was? Siddhi herself was trying to understand Kunal's condition but he had blocked her too. The resistance Siddhi felt from Kunal was so strong, she couldn't break it or take it. The way Kunal was behaving; very reserved, spending so much time outside home, they thoughts it's just Kunal being Kunal. Even his older son was very much use to seeing Kunal often lost with himself or sitting quite for hours. For family life was going normal. Only Siddhi was bothered, and Kunal; who knew?
Kunal's schedule of leaving home in morning and coming around 8 pm had become regular for 2 weeks now. Siddhi got in habit of waiting for Kunal at 8 pm now. One day both kids came to dinner table 7:30 pm and demanded their dinner. This was very unusual as kids wait for Kunal to come.
"how come you guys want dinner so early? Aren't you going to wait for papa?" Siddhi questioned almost in scolding tone.
"he just called and told us he will be late. He said don't wait for him and go to sleep early" BA answered. Hearing this Siddhi of course started serving them but was bothered why would Kunal call kids and not her. Also, why is he coming late tonight? Isn't it enough she doesn't get to see him whole day, now he is going to come late today. Each day she hopes things improve little bit and she gets closer to Kunal or at least know what is going on, but here Kunal is not giving her even small hint. But for time being, all she can do is wait. Wait for either Kunal to come close or allow her to get closer to him.
Siddhi waited for Kunal for hours. In a way it reminded her of their early days of marriage. Kunal would usually come late from work, she would have to wait for him on dining table or even in their bed room. Because of that she too had grown habit of staying up till late. But she was content during those time. She had no worry and knew Kunal would come home safe. But now she always had this worry in her mind. Past few months have been worst in her life. As if Richa was not enough of threat in her life, Abhay too had entered to make things worse. She sure worried for her sons, but more than that for Kunal. Both Richa and Abhay were devious enough to harm Kunal for their own sickness and she feared for his safety. She was already unaware where did Kunal go whole day and now coming late today, why? With these thoughts, unaware exactly when, Siddhi fell asleep.
Kunal came home after 1:00 am. Entering his room, he made sure he doesn't make any sound at all. He didn't want to wake anyone up, especially Siddhi. He came near bed, stood next to Siddhi. He simply stood there staring at Siddhi peacefully sleeping. He was unable to look at her directly in his eyes. He felt ashamed to look at her, so he had to fulfill his desire to admire her at nights like this when she was sleeping. So many times he had urge to simply go to her, take her in his arms or kiss on her forehead; but his shame was so powerful compared to his urges. Staring at her he would get some sense of peace, but also guilt, shame, pain, agony, etc. would make their ways in right away. Every night admiring her he would fight with himself with all these feelings. For weeks now he was struggling, harboring silent yet very powerful storm inside him. Not aware for how long will he live like this, he has started to accept this may very well should be his life as it was painful. Yes he must live painful life for all the pain he caused Siddhi. He is hurting himself because he deserves it, but Siddhi, what did she do to live such horrible life. His pain, guilt, shame, agony should burn inside him as long as he lives. That still might not be enough, but at least it is something.
Still cursing himself, thinking about ways he can punish himself, Kunal went to his corner. He did not have energy to change or write his diary today. He simply crashed in his corner and dozed off. Finally when he opened his eyes, it was already 8:30 am. Kunal in a way jumped up from his corner. He took his towel and ran to bathroom. Without really noticing anything, he simply stole one glimpse of Siddhi and got ready in 15 minutes. Today he didn't even allow Siddhi to make him tea, not that he was going to drink it anyways; he left home in hurry. His such behavior only added to Siddhi's worry. Since she too had to attend to household chores, she couldn't go behind him at the time. When she was finally done around 10:00am, she called Kunal. Kunal didn't answer despite her calling few times. She figured may be it is because Kunal is trying to avoid her. She called her sons and asked them to call Kunal. Kunal picked up but hardly talked. He only inquired if they needed something and cut phone in less than half a minute. Kids called back and told Siddhi about it. Siddhi was still worried, but content with the fact Kunal at least answered kids.
Around 7:30 pm, Kunal was walking back home. He had been walking for almost half an hour. He reached his apartment and stood outside for few minutes. He stopped seeing Siddhi and kids sitting in bedroom visible from the window. His eyes stopped at Siddhi for the most part. Seeing his family interacting so well, a smile crept on his face. For few minutes he forgot everything and simply admired them. It seemed so natural and pure. His dream of having happy family almost seemed fulfilled at this very moment. People he loved most in life were together, safe and sound. What truly gave Kunal peace and some strength was seeing Siddhi smiling. She was interacting with her kids, lively and cheerful.
Seeing his entire family together, tears almost made their way out of Kunal's eyes with sly smile trying very hard to surface. Siddhi may realized she is being watched by someone so she turned her face. Not to get caught by Siddhi, Kunal quickly moved away and entered the house. Just when Kunal entered apartment, Siddhi too came out in living room. Kunal taking timid steps went to Gaurav, "sorry to bother you Gaurav, but need to talk to you for a minute" said in very apologetic manner, keeping his head down, shocking everyone present and paining Siddhi as couldn't really believe it. Not sure how to react, Gaurav simply nodded yes. Kunal took out an envelope from his back pocket and placed in in front of Gaurav, "15 thousand, for kid's school fees. I know this is nowhere near what you have paid for years, but this is start. I will try my best to make sure I am not a burden on you or anyone else. Please give me time, I am trying." Atmosphere got more anxious for everyone. "also I did not get this money from gambling so please don't think anything like that" finished his sentence and went directly to his room without looking at anyone.
Everyone who witnessed this was not sure if what they was real. What bothered everyone was the way Kunal's mannerism. The small steps and keeping head down suggested lack of confidence, with being apologetic for no matter; not Kunal they knew. Siddhi literary ran behind Kunal in bed room to find out what just happened. She was about to say something but seeing kids she stopped. Seeing both parents in the room, kids thought maybe they should leave them alone. As soon as kids went outside, "what was that outside? Why were you apologizing for no reason?" Siddhi couldn't control her tone as she was highly frustrated now.
Kunal knew she was talking to him, he didn't turn his face, "Gaurav had always taken responsibility of kids I should have taken. I am trying to pay him back. I know it will take years, but still there has to be a start" he slowly placed another envelope on the bed. "here are 10 thousand. I asked kids, right now they don't need anything. This is for you, I know it is not much but all I can do right now. Again I know it is impossible to believe me as I have always failed you, trust me when I say I did not get this money by gambling. I have not played cards to earn this money, please" ended with ache in his voice.
Siddhi felt strong, heavy weight on her body seeing Kunal like this. She felt numb hearing what Kunal said. Kunal is talking as if he had committed some grave mistake and apologizing to everyone, even her. Why did he apologies to her? No, this was too much to digest for her so she took steps towards Kunal but before she reaches him, he was in the corner; almost in position to stop anyone from coming near him. Before Siddhi can react, her kids called them to have dinner. Both Kunal-Siddhi went to dinner table and had very little food as they have been for few days now. Following dinner, the usual took place. Siddhi helped kids with their homework while Kunal sat in the corner with his diary. Kids fell asleep around 10:00 pm. Siddhi finished some of her work and went to bed little after 11:00 pm, all while Kunal sat at his spot, not moving or reacting to anything, sitting with blank face. Once Siddhi went to bed, he too fell asleep in no time.
As usual, Siddhi got up to put blanket on Kunal. This was the only time she was able to come close to Kunal. Every single day Siddhi would sure go to bed but not really go to sleep. She would wait for Kunal to fall asleep, put blanket on and arrange pillow. Today while she was doing that she sensed Kunal wasn't really sleeping It appeared his body was resting, a body that was really tired. IN past 2 weeks she had seen and heard enough. She never imagined her Kunal can get so weak or act in the manner he has been. For 2 weeks she was able to control herself, but after what she saw today; NO. Now she had to do something, anything to bring her Kunal out of whatever he was going through.
Cricket
Pati Patni Aur Panga
Jaane Anjaane Hum Mile
Tum Se Tum Tak
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
