Very often things in life, important things in life, are often screaming for attention. They stand in front of us with placards but we choose to ignore them for whatever reason. Sometimes because we feel they are not that important and sometimes because we don't want to acknowledge their importance. Why? Because we are scared. Scared of the fact that once we accept to our selves how important they are, we might not be able to do without them, hence complicating life more than what it already is.
Then some day, those things give up on us, drop those placards, stop shouting and just move away quickly, unexpectedly and we panic! Cause not accepting something does not make it less important. What is close to heart remains close to the heart!
Same happened with me! I chose to ignore Siddhi though its increasing difficult to do so with every passing moment. I chose to ignore my own feelings for her. The upheaval that my mind and body is going through as she is kidnapped and missing from this room, I have realized their intensity, albeit a little late. I love her. I distantly remember telling that to her. When and where is a blur. May be a dream. Not that I never felt like telling her that. I did but Anand and what she felt for him hang in between us like fog, so thick I could cut it with a knife. My own self righteous brain tells me its wrong to feel for a woman your dead brother loved more than anyone but everything has changed from the day Anand had first blushingly told me about Siddhi. These days I find myself blushing at her thoughts. Though the night when we became one as the proverb goes, is not etched on my mind, given the inebriated state that I were in, some moments do come back to haunt me despite of the fortress I make around my mind against them. They manage to infiltrate because my treacherous mind allows them to! My heart, the illogical part does side with me, telling me that we are married. We have consummated it and there have been moments where we have been too close to comfort and all this while, she has not shed a tear, neither have I seen any remorse on her face for being my wife. If she was, she would not have fought this case so hard where it landed her in trouble. A risk she took knowing pretty well that its not Anand that she is doing all this for. She is jeopardizing her career, her life for a man, her husband, who has never spoken to her kindly or have told her that he loves her. Does that mean she loves me too?!
I hope so! Cause at this moment as my own feelings come clear to me, they offer me no choice than to accept them and hope with every fiber of my being that Siddhi is safe, wherever she is and that she is missing me too and that she knows that my life without her would not be the same. Hell! There would be no life if she is not in it!
Don't think that I have accepted this with my arms wide open. I have not! I have gotten my mind and my brains engaged in a duel so fierce that my body shivers uncontrollably as one outdoes other! My brains argued that the reason I feel so pathetic at this moment is not because I love Siddhi. Its because I feel guilty for landing her in trouble. Its horrified imagining her caged in some dark and dingy place. I feel horrible because I feel Anand watching me from heavens, shaking his head in disbelief that his brother could not save the woman he loved. I feel guilty for not fulfilling the promise made to a young man on his death bed. Promise of taking care of Siddhi! Love has nothing to do with this. Guilt and Love do not go hand in hand!
My mind laughs at this explanation. There is a mirth in that laughter cause it knows for sure all this is false. It says I am not guilty, for my own self or for Anand or even for my family. I am missing her presence around me. My mind has computed all possibilities of her well being including the worst case scenario that I will lose her. That Thakral and her daughter would kill her mercilessly for being my wife, for loving me so limitlessly that even while dying for me, she would not have a moment's repentance in her mind but only the fear of my dark future. That one possibility outweighs all other less gory possibilities and panic burns my chest. My mind says that what I am feeling right now is love. While all my feelings were jumping around me all this while, I always took them and Siddhi, both granted but now when I might never see Siddhi again in my life, I am not ready to accept it. Does not matter how I lose her, my case, or myself, what is important is that I would lose her and that would be the end of me ' Kunal Chopra. My mind says that there indeed is a fine lining of guilt to love and that guilt is for never making her feel loved or cared for or appreciated. Sure, there have been times when I put my arms around her to comfort her but my words never found a way out. My actions remained ambiguous. All this while as she cribbed and cried, lectured and sometimes listened my ramblings, I could never tell her that she had become by world, my universe. She could never see herself as the reason I even cared to live, to go on with my life. I should have! She deserved to know that I loved her like a mad man! A man that had eyes only for her, whose all the waking and sleeping hours were dominated by her thoughts, who sat up almost every night, unable to sleep a meter away from her as a new longing gripped his heart and body to pull her in his arms and make love to her. She deserved to know that every single word said harshly was a feeble attempt to protect my mind against what it felt for her. That every single time I left her alone in the room was not because I did not like spending time with her but because spending time with her and yet away from her was becoming torturous.
Last few months, I have been living life of a schizophreniac! One body and two personalities. One that loved her madly, deeply and limitlessly while the other pretended just the opposite. Finally today, when my mind has clearly won the battle against the brain, when I am finally accepting the fact that she is my need, my only need for the rest of my life, she is not around. I have never been atheist but have never really wished for anything to God but tonight I wish for her life, that wherever she is, she is safe! I wish for a chance to love her and be loved in return! I wish for a thought to conjure up in her mind, providing her all the strength and willpower that she might need at the moment, a thought that her husband, despite all his khadoosgiri loves her, that her life means him as dear as his own and that she needs to live, if not for her then for him cause if anything untowardly happens to her, he will kill himself, not out of any guilt but out of love. I wish for an understanding to rise in her heart that this man though in the past has wondered loudly for her to go away, is now waiting for her with bated breath. I wish for a life, with her and nothing else!
Do leave your comments if i did not put you to sleep by the end of it! ;)
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