AN:- A plot bunny that's been niggling at me for a while now finally came to life today. Because Avni deserves to angst in the face of unrequited love too. 😉
Do tell me if you like it. xoxo
OoO
In hindsight, she realised, it had been foolish of her to assume that she was the only one who had lost loved ones. But he'd always seemed so whole, so full of happiness and purity and joy and hope, that it'd never occurred to her that he, too, might have loved and lost.
"Juhi, he'd told her with a shadow of a smile full of heartache and pain and loss, tears glimmering in his eyes, as he had held up a picture of him and a beautiful woman, who looked as whole (unbroken, untainted, pure) as he did. "Avni, this is Juhi.
She wished (selfishly) that he'd never had told her at all.
She also wished (still selfishly) that he'd told her about Juhi before, so she wouldn't feel so foolish now.
Her heart was in excruciating turmoil. At once she felt both empathy and hurt, for she knew what it was like to have loved ones wrenched away from her against her will (clouds of darkness, no hope, pain and pain and pain), but she also knew that Neil belonged to a woman she'd never know, a woman she couldn't even bring herself to begrudge, because she was gone and Avni was still here (hollow, hurt, heartbroken).
She allowed herself a few moments of self-pity, feeling the embarrassment of having assumed that Neil could ever reciprocate the affection she felt for him, for having misinterpreted his moments of playfulness as something more, for having thought that their friendship could blossom into love.
How could he love her (broken, angry, hateful) when he was still consumed with a love for another woman (whole, pure, dead), a love so lasting that every word he uttered in her regard was laced with devotion and adoration?
How could he love Avni- someone who was so full of resentment and hatred that she'd nearly killed twice, someone who didn't know what a true family was, someone who didn't know how to love or be loved, someone who'd only lived with the goal of revenge at heart until he'd entered her life? How could Neil have room for her- for someone like her?
She bit her lip until she drew blood, trying to breathe evenly. Her chest felt like it was full of cotton wool. Selfish, she thought to herself. She was beyond selfish. Neil had been her friend and helped her through some of her darkest days, and now that he was finally opening up his wounds, she couldn't let her own emotions get in the way of the comfort she knew she should offer him.
Another surge of humiliation washed over her- she had been planning to tell him how she felt. Oh, she had been so stupid, letting herself get carried away, just because he'd been no less than her messiah. She'd fallen head over heels for him, and he didn't even know. He considered her a friend. What would he think of her if he knew how she felt?
The thought horrified her heart into palpitations and she let out a ragged sigh, rubbing at her eyes angrily. She wasn't going to fall apart now, not over this.
It was humiliating that she'd thought for even a second that he'd felt for her what she'd felt for him. Worse than the embarrassment, however, was the intense, thrumming desire to come clean and confess to him (a desire she'd carried around with her for weeks in her false understanding that she had all the time in the world to tell him how she felt); and the piercing knowledge that he would undoubtedly tell her that he didn't feel the same way.
She had to toughen up. She'd dealt with worse things. She was going to be there for him like he'd been there for her. She couldn't be selfish, not with him (she loved him too much for that).
She was going to be for him what he'd been for her- a caring, loving friend.
Just a friend.
She braced herself with this awareness. She was going to be his friend (and nothing more).
Her heart ached with a sense of grief so profound, she felt it as a physical pain.
But Neil wasn't hers, he'd never been, and she'd been a fool to assume otherwise. The sooner she accepted it, she thought to herself, wiping at the lingering moisture on her cheeks, the less this knowledge would hurt her.
OoO
Udne Ki Aasha
Jaane Anjaane Hum Mile
Fan Fictions
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
Iss Pyaar Ko Kya Naam Doon
