What if? (Game Post) - Page 3

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iamred thumbnail
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Posted: 8 years ago
#21

Originally posted by: Pagalpinky

This game is awesome
I've never written anything so not sure if I'll write a continuation of the story
But gotta say you guys are doing great
Look forward to seeing the next updates
Thanks!



Please, please do try!
This is all about trying! We are no professionals either!

Looking forward to your piece of work!

~Red
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Posted: 8 years ago
#22

Originally posted by: iamred




Oh, my!
That was wonderful!
I actually read it yesterday and once again today and trust me, for a first try, you were brilliant!

Can I have your name though? *sheepish smile*

If it is constructive criticism that you're looking for then I'm all up for it! I'll PM you for that later! But never stop writing okay? I don't want you to stop!

Love
~Red



Aww. I am on cloud nine right now. I am very glad you liked it!
And yea thanks a million ton for your concern. I am waiting for your pm then!
My name is Areesha but you can call me whatever you want Scarlett *winks* (i just copied your style)
Edited by Areesha_jawwad - 8 years ago
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Posted: 8 years ago
#23

Originally posted by: Areesha_jawwad



Aww. I am on cloud nine right now. I am very glad you liked it!
And yea thanks a million ton for your concern. I am waiting for your pm then!
My name is Areesha but you can call me whatever you want Scarlett *winks* (i just copied your style)


Well then, hello Areesha!
Nice to meet you!
I'm sure I'll call you by a nickname very soon!
Hahaha!

~Red
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Posted: 8 years ago
#24

Originally posted by: iamred


Well then, hello Areesha!
Nice to meet you!
I'm sure I'll call you by a nickname very soon!
Hahaha!

~Red

for me it was wonderful to meet you!😃😉
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Posted: 8 years ago
#25

Originally posted by: Areesha_jawwad

'Mom now what will happen. What people will think of us. It will be a big defamation for us.' Hetal aunt cried but Dadi as usual trying to cool her down. And Riya and Amol were looking me like they will eat me up.

When Neil left with Diksha i was alone alone with these monsters.

'Dadi this is what this Ananya Verma wants. She is here to destroy us dadi. Why can't you see her real face. Because of her Diksha bua is arrested.'

Huh if Riya keep doubting on me it will be a problem to me. I have to do something!

'I was very innocent that i didn't see her real face. How's she a best friend for me but she betrayed me. I am-'
Thanks to God Dadi interrupted her or else i wasn't in mood to act.

'Shut up Riya. I am here so much tensed and you all are giving me more tension. And Diksha is arrested just because of you all. Who said to do that. And why are you behind Ananya. She's the one who helped her in all hard times.'

Wow Dadi said those words like really she mean it. I know she is definitely doubting on me too. Dayawanti Mehta keep trying to get the truth of mind. But you will be failed to know my plans in this birth too and any birth you will take.

'Dadi please why she's staying in her house. She can stay in her hou-'
Amol why are you saying this. I am here for you only. You can't get off to me. I will reform you Amol Mehta to Amam Ayesha.

'Amol it's enough. I think you're tired. You should sleep and take rest.' Dayaben your pampering makes him a devil like you all are. Amol left from there by giving me his warning eyes. Everyone then make their way to sleep.

'Ananya sorry! Because of Diksha you suffered much insult'
Now it's time to act sweet. I tried to say little sweet words that she will be convinced I am not against her but i know Dayawanti Mehta now your target will be me. You definitely will try to reach my background but don't worry I will not let you to know anything!

I make my way to Riya's bedroom which is mine now. Slowly slowly I will take my all rights from you Dayawanti Mehta. I closed the door and then i talked to my mom. And i told her everything what happened today. I went to washroom to change my clothes. Hah that scar! Which was left by Dayawanti who has no Daya. She shoot me this place my heart can feel the pain of being shoot even now when i touch it. I came to the bed and laid on the bed. But my thoughts couldn't making me to sleep. If today Neil were not there so I would be in a huge problem. Thanks to Neil. How he respects every women. And he stood for me when nobody was going to stand for me. He was disappointed with me as I took the case back but with all those consequences he helped me! And there was my so called father. Who left us, me and my mother alone to fight with these devils all our own.

I did not know when i slept but i woke up with some disturbing sound. I cleared my vision i see Riya clapping her hands. Not now hah!

'Hope you slept well Miss Ananya Verma. As you are succeeded in your plans. You snatched my fianc. You snatched everything from me.' No no no the way she taunts me every time i think it's time to stop her.

'Riya what are you saying all that? I was quiet yesterday but not now i will listen your taunts.' I want to say more but she interrupted me.
'Why shouldn't i say tru-' but i do the same.
'Listen Riya i helped you every time but you were the one to betray me you were the one who lied to Neil that i clicked those photos.' I pause to see her face. Her expressions told me i strike the right button. I don't stop there i continue.
'Riya i saw Amol at that night with my own eyes. He did the accident of your fianc. And i helped Neil but his constant investigation didn't let me to spill that the person who did accident was none other than the brother of my best friend.' I know Riya can easily come in my words so i don't stop.

'And you know your brother kidnapped my mother. I was even shocked that my best friend is so kind hearted her brother how can be so heartless.' God please forgive me I lied much now. She's not any kind hearted girl.
'And what happened next you will not be in senses after knowing this. Your fianc did polygraph test on me.'

Hah that revelation makes her so much surprised so she doesn't close her mouth even from which i can see many things she had eaten up.

'Riya i know you'll not believe this but I will show you a proof. I shouldn't be proving my self but I can't lose my one and only sweet friend.' With little bit flattering I showed her the proof.

I showed her cctv photage in which Amol was kidnapping my mother but it was from different angle so Riya can't see my mother face. When she saw this her expressions were worth watching to laugh. Then i showed her our i mean Neil and me photage where he did test on me and had all those scenes too which Diksha clicked photos but i cropped that scene where us i mean Neil and me shared a eye lock.

I don't know what happened to me at that time, he was so closed to me i forgot everything. His eyes are so beautiful uhhoh what i am thinking now! I jerked my stupid thoughts and then i focus on Riya.

'So Riya what will you say now. Do have any thing to say. You insult me so much. I never thought you will doubt me.'

I take my clothes and go to washroom. But i can hear her Ananya Ananya wait no let her think more and let her to be in guilt. I take a shower and see my scar once again. Hmmh this mark will always tell me how much i suffered in past 15 years. I change my clothes but when i enter my room Riya was not there. Oh good she's not here as i was not interested in crying and being a best friend to her at this time. I have to go to meet mom and i had talked to her when i was in washroom so nobody can listen me. But why i was feeling fishy fishy. Anyway leave it!

I come down stairs nobody wasn't there so i leave from there.

By passing Chamko Cafe i always reminisce of Ali and my childhood friendship. I wish i could tell him the reality but i couldn't as Ali is so emotional and Ananya Verma can't take any risk in her way to revenge. I dropped my thoughts there and continue to leave but some masculine hand i feel on my shoulder i turned back and see Ali. Oh no! Whenever he come in front of me it becomes very hard to me to act as Ananya.
'What?' I tried to say this as a stern

'Nothing but i was thinking one thing. From when you entered in Mehtas life they are in trouble. Wow i must say you are very intelligent! Take a look to news.'
I see that newspaper. Headlines were about Diksha being arrested.

'So Miss Ananya Verma, are you really Ananya as i know Mehta can't be having an enemy which enmity is worst than Avni ayesha.' What did he said. No!
'What you want to say?' 'You are Avni! My heart says you're Avni.' My heart is sinking what he had said. I am Avni. I should be happy my best friend recognised me but i am not happy. How to confront him. My mind stops giving me excuses.

'Excuse me! Av- Av- Avni. Who is Avni. I even don't know who's Avni. Whom you are talking about!'
Oh i was stammering. His doubt would be clear now. No no!

He gripped me tightly with his heavy masculine hands. His eyes are window to his soul. He is frustrated with me that why i am lying to him.
'When your mom was kidnapped so why Neela aunt's foot was also injured. Why are you living with her.'

'She told you i am her pay guest and i am not-' he interrupted me but he was seeing down at my heart what? Is he saw the scar! Is this what my feeling said in morning. No 'Then why you have this scar. This is the place where Dayawanti Mehta shoot Avni!'
My heartbeat start beating fast as it's going to break the record of Usain bolt! I had no excuse to give him.
'I don't want to listen any excuses tell me the truth Miss Ananya Verma!'

I didn't listen to him what he was saying but i was scared as i felt somebody is seeing us. I look around here and there. And then i saw a figure standing far away looking Ali and me confusedly. The person was none other than Neil! My heart stops beating! I jerked Ali's hands from my shoulders and yelled at him

'How many times i have to tell you. I am not your Avni. If you again try to mess up with me so I'll case a file against you! And about this scar it is not any mark of gunshot! Got it! Once again i am saying stay away from me!'

I left from there. I was not afraid that Neil listened Ali conversation as he was far away from me. But the fact was bothering me is that Ali and me was so close. And for first time i don't want Neil to think wrong about me!


Phew so finally i had written this! I don't know what i have written but one thing i know i am feeling so good to write this!
Kay i am now challenging anybody to continue this with Neil pov and please do ahead what you want😆


Here is the creative criticism for your writing, and i hope I have helped:


I would say that with anything you write, always go back and proof-read to see whther you have made any simple grammar mistakes and whether you have misspelt something. It's pretty easy to make a mistake when typing down your thoughts online.

For example, "Huh if Riya keep doubting on me it will be a problem to me. I have to do something!". This line should be written as "Huh! If Riya keeps doubting me, it will be a problem for me. I will have to do something!"

You can use simple and small grammar features, such as exclamation marks (!) where you think some kind of short display of expression is being described, that shows surprise and astonishment, which is why you would use '!' after 'Huh', because the 'Huh' portrays a short expression of realisation. These are just small things that make the writing flow better.

And another grammar mistake is when you used the single quotation marks, instead of double quotation marks for when the characters speak. For example, instead of 'Mom now what will happen. What will people think of us. It will be a big defamation for us', It should be "Mom now what will happen? What will people think of us? It will be a cause of great defamation for our family."

Whenever you are adding dialogue in writing, the dialogue should start and end in double speech marks. Plus, did you notice how I replaced two of the full stops in the dialogue with question marks? This is because the character was asking questions there, so they should be presented as question with a question mark (?). I also just switched around some of the words too in the dialogue.

In all honestly, it was very well-written, with just grammar and punctuation mistakes. All you have to do is read it once, or even twice to see whether you are satisfied with what you have written, in terms of there being no obvious grammatical and punctuation mistakes, and whether you think you can use alternative words for what you are describing. 😊
Edited by sammy17 - 8 years ago
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Posted: 8 years ago
#26
Awww thanks sammy. Yea i didn't proofread it. I should, I'll try proofreading next time.
You helped me alot. Thanks a billion tons buddy!
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Posted: 8 years ago
#27

Originally posted by: Areesha_jawwad

Awww thanks sammy. Yea i didn't proofread it. I should, I'll try proofreading next time.

You helped me alot. Thanks a billion tons buddy!


You're welcome sweetheart 🤗

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