5. Hang me up to dry-
Never had five words yielded the power to break her so irreversibly.
Petition for Dissolution of Marriage.
The funny thing about life was that she never knew when it was going to change. Sometimes a moment would hit her hard when she was least expecting it; knocking the breath clean from her lungs, chest heaving, heart pounding as she weakly tried to gnaw and grab at any sliver of rationality in the wake of what just happened. The axis on Ishani's globe had shifted many times, yet the shock to her system was as fresh as the first time. Disha's accusation about Ranveer, his return, the forced marriage. Yet, the impending divorce had a sense of finality - that they had finally reached a crossroads where their paths would be completely different from now on, they would be out of each other's lives.
She didn't want that. She wanted them to be firmly entwined - so much so that his happiness would be her own, her sadness and freedom would be his.
Ranveer had once called her the bravest thing ever - a flower growing through a crack in the pavement when she'd attempted to smile despite Baa's cutting words. A warm, soft, kind sign of life amongst cold, lifeless, brutal cobblestones. She'd laughed then, because he was always giving meaning to things that didn't have any and asked him if he was reading Hughes.
He'd be surprised at how brittle she felt now inside out - her heart hanging on a precipice, her frail skin stretched over bone, the silence between them screaming impending doom. Any minute now, a single word from him could break her, and cause everything they'd built to float away.
He knew all the words to take her apart and stitch her back together.
She hated that he had this power over her now.
He wasn't touching her, and she didn't know whether to feel relief or sorrow. If he was touching her, he would immediately sense the panic within her and he may use it to break her more cruelly. And yet, the fact that he wasn't touching her was causing her to fall apart.
"You're divorcing me." She breathed.
Ranveer then realised why her expression had changed from tearful to sheer dread. She'd seen the papers.
"Yes." He said carefully, not sure why she wasn't ecstatic. He was granting her her freedom.
"You want to get rid of me." The resigned words fell from her lips before she could stop them.
A silence shrouded over them, a confused myriad of emotions colouring it.
Ranveer looked at her then. Really looked at her. Her reaction wasn't something he's expected. He'd expected to come home and announce that he was releasing her from this sham of a marriage and that she needn't worry, she would still win the case. He couldn't stand to look at the resentment and hatred in her eyes everyday, that gradual dousing of the anger in her eyes to something faded, broken. He'd realised that his unfair fury was killing her spirit and he couldn't force her to love him and so he was letting her go. He expected her to leap up with happiness, grab and sign the papers with a flourish and walk out of his life forever, never looking back.
He would have to manage without her.
He didn't expect her to react the way she did - the almost imperceptible leaning away from the papers as if they would burn her somehow, and the lack of euphoria in her.
"You...don't want this." His words came out more like confused amazement rather than a question. He was bewildered.
She sniffed in a rather unladylike manner.
"What do you think?" She snapped at him, embarrassed and irritated that he was making her say the words. "I know you hate me now, but give me one more chance Ranveer. We can make this work together. This time, I want it to."
When he didn't say anything, she continued, a tinge of hysteria in her voice. "If you want me to beg, I will, Ranveer. Is that what you want?" She shifted to move to the ground, but Ranveer's arms came around her own to stop her movement.
Suddenly, Ranveer wanted to laugh at the the non existent joke. Hard. He bit the inside of his cheeks to stifle the chuckle that threatened to burst out, knowing that it would only aggravate her further. Here he was, dead set on letting her go believing that she hated him, while she thought he didn't want her anymore. Didn't she know that all his eyes did when she was in the same room as him was follow her around? Or the way his body relaxed whenever he heard her laugh? That even the little snorts that burst out from her when she was laughing too hard were more beautiful than any affected, pretentious giggle other girls made?
But he couldn't tell her that.
"Ishani, you don't love me. Marriages don't work like that."
She turned so that she was facing him, eager and hopeful. "But they do. Mumma married Papa even when she didn't love him in the beginning. Papa always told her that his love was enough for all three of us when he took us in. Mumma had to fall in love with him gradually."
Ranveer shook his head and lowered his arms, his eyes hot and desperate on Ishani's. "No, Falguni Ma only respected him. She was grateful to him for saving you and her and loving you so completely. I don't want you to stay only because you feel indebted to me."
She stared at him incredulously. "I don't! I'm - I...you." She glared at her fingers exasperatedly as she struggled with words. "I want this to work Ranveer. I want this marriage."
His unwavering gaze told her he wasn't going to budge. She wondered if he didn't trust her words at all. It would be fair. She deserved it.
Despite this, she couldn't be angry with him.
And yet, his face was wiped clean of any malice or the smugness of payback.
He genuinely didn't want to hurt her.
He wanted her revel in her freedom, not desert her, he didn't want to take a swing at her and leave her spinning on her ever shifting axis. He wanted to fix her unhappiness, make her whole again in the only way he knew how to, even though it would kill him. By setting her free.
The cruel, heartbreaking irony was, she didn't want to now. She wanted only to sooth his heartache.
In these three months, they were both angry, bitter people.
Ishani had ignored his pain and her own.
He had felt it for both of them, too much.
She could feel the tears, hot streams of salt running unrelentingly down her cheeks, the hopelessness building.
"I need time."
Those were the hardest words she'd ever say.
"Take all the time you want." His voice was soft, patient.
"What if I need months?"
"I don't mind."
"Years?"
He shrugged. "If that's what you need."
She took a deep breath, knowing that her next question would be like the threads on her favourite sweater - she couldn't resist pulling it, despite knowing it could unravel all around her.
"The rest of my life?"
Ranveer looked away from her then, his gaze dropping to his hands. "Ishani..."
"I'm sorry." She said quickly.
"Look, this doesn't have to be the end. We just...can't be married, okay? I'm not ready to lose you either. There was so much bad blood between us when I left. We can be free of this bitterness. We could talk, catch up, rediscover ourselves with each other again."
Ishani scoffed bitterly. "As what? Friends?"
In his silence, she found her answer.
They could never be 'just' friends again.
Edited by Petrichorlove - 10 years ago
Anupamaa
