Hi, everyone,
I've been a silent reader in this forum for months now. This is my first post here and it's a OS inspired from the beautiful Sakha-sakhi bond from Mahabharat. I hope you'll enjoy it. Forgive me for any mistakes.
The Panchaali who walked in to the Hastinapur courtroom had not been the one who walked out of it. The one who walked in had been a queen, warm, kind and happy at last for the time being. She was a daughter, a wife and a mother beloved by all these relations. The flames with which she was born were concealed somewhere deep beneath a swarm of emotions, bonds that made her less divine and more human. In a one fraction of a moment, that illusion was broken. The time from her birth to the moment she entered this evil place had turned backwards. The one who walked out had none of those bonds, nothing but flames of pureness burning inside her. Alive after a long time was the Yagnaseni, Krishnaa given by the gods.
The journey back to Indraprast seemed to take no time. The city seemed too silent as if in anticipation of the coming storm. The news of their defeat did not seem to reach them yet. For the first time she felt her mind empty, neither did she feel sorry for the people who put their faith in king Yudishtir, nor did she feel sorry for the king himself who had lost everything. None of the emotions crossed her mind as her mind, burning pure at the moment felt too superior for them. With no encounters with anyone in the palace, with no intention of being consoled she went in to her chambers and closed every opening, every door that connected her with the impure world.
The chamber had semi darkened. She could hardly make out the walls. She looked around as if seeing the room for the first time. It felt as if the queen who lived here had been someone else, someone she distinctly remembered. On one corner there were a few dolls, dressed in bridal attire smiling innocently at her. They had belonged to Malini, her angelic little friend. It had been a long time since she had seen her. With the memory of Malini rushed in a stream of memories that were colorful, light and bright in to her mind. Memories of her time in Kampilya. The one who stepped out of that fire had been as innocent as those dolls, but filled with dreams and hopes, had that been her short coming?
The chamber grew a little darker.
The voice of king Draupad filled her head, asking for lifelong struggles for her. What had he done, had he written her fate in a moment of hatred that was so unfair? Or had he been humanly weak as her husband the king had been a moment ago. Did she really matter to anyone? Had they ever came closer to understanding her?
A little more light vanished from the surrounding.
Away from the dolls there was a single marigold flower, dried out with the time yet safe in her hands. It had once lain at the feet of the lord. It represented a single memory, a memory she unknowingly cherished all her life. Did she cherish it anymore? She had chosen the path of her future life based on that one indication the flower had given. Accepted a fate she had never dreamed of. Did she feel the same towards Parth anymore, she wasn't sure...
The darkness had overcome the light completely. She fell on the ground as her feet could no longer support her weight. Had it been the weight of her body or the weight of her mind she wasn't sure. The flames inside her seemed to burn her from inside destroying the Panchaali she had once been, destroying every bit of light inside her. Questions rose, as the answers burnt away. Doubts surfaced as the faith slowly washed away. The darkness pressed her eyes.
Faith, it mattered to her. Why she could no longer remember. It connected her with someone. Who, she wasn't sure of anymore. Why have faith, when all her hopes were shattered. Why was then she subconsciously holding in to that string of faith? What was it that she was so afraid to lose? The darkness exhausted her, forcing her to let go of the last of herself she clang in to. Of cause what was the use of holding in to a faith she could no longer justify? It slowly started to faint, the darkness started to get solid one more minute and she would lose herself.
Suddenly the doors opened. A stream of seven colored sunlight hit her, it washed away the mist of doubts, and she closed her eyes wanting the darkness to stay.
After what felt like centuries from Dushshasan's laughter, of the mocking tone of Duryodana she heard a voice. Melodious like the wind itself was speaking, like the voice came from somewhere deep within her.
Sakhi?'
She was still stubbornly holding in to that darkness, some part of her pulled her towards the voice while the other held her firm in place, surrounded still by the cold darkness.
Leave me Govind, it's all over' she heard herself say. I've been cursed by my own fate, nothing not even you could change that now'
Your night of agony had passed away Sakhi, not even you can hold in to it for eternity. Let it go, let the pain drain away'
A little more light brightened her chambers. Govind hadn't left. In fact there wasn't a time when he had. He was always there. He was within her. He had gone through everything she had, shared every pain she unleashed upon herself. He was the faith she had been holding into. The light she was afraid to lose. The flames of hatred inside her they had been burning him, hiding him, making her oblivious to his existence.
Then tears came. Washing away the flames, releasing her from the cage of memories, they drained away with the pain as if they had been waiting for Govind's order. As the mental pain subsided she could feel the bruises and aches all over her body. Her mouth tasted metallic, like blood. Her hands were spotted blue and dark purple. The path her thoughts had taken was clearing to her now. What had she been doing, had she been mentally cursing her Sakha? What kind of a demon had she turned in to? How could someone ever forgive her?
She turned and looked at him, still standing at her door with a well placed smile masking his concern. For the first time in her life she caught his eyes and saw her pain mirrored there. Or perhaps he was a little more pained than she was. Her swirl of thoughts had tortured him. Her lack of faith had threatened his existence. She had been thinking of herself as a part of Govind's bigger plan, a pawn he controlled. But from this side of life she could see she had been a part of Govind, as Parth was. That was the reason he understood her, unlike any other.
Shaking with remorse she fell at his feet. Letting the tears take away the memories of that evil place. Feeling the eternal peace she always searched for.
Govind sat beside her. His soft touch stroked her hair. He said nothing, neither tried to stop her. They had gone beyond words. Without a single word he kept her from shattering but soothed her in the same time. Soon the tears stopped; there was no more pain that crushed her soul. It had all washed away in to somewhere, where all the pain was accepted, all the pain was soothed.
The questions that burdened her earlier rose again, but this time with the desire of knowing answers.
Why Govind? Why everyone I love end up wounding my soul? Why do I always receive this pain in return of all the love I've given them, for all I've ever done, where is the crime that deserved this punishment?'
It wasn't a punishment for you Sakhi' Govind said slowly. But a way to lead a sinner to his punishment. Not only our fate makes us do things, we play a part in others' lives as well. What happened at the dyuth sabha' was the beginning of the ultimate journey of prince Duryodan, once in a while it will take him to his destination' he said the word Dyut sabha as if it was a fraction of a poison.
But for me it was just pain, I went through that pain. The pain my father had wished for me,'
He had wished you a test of fire' Govind said taking her hand. It hadn't been a curse, since the test of fire makes fine steel, and from each of those tests you've emerged stronger, wiser than before,'
He examined the bruise in her hand carefully as if he could see the pain and humiliation behind it.
Will I ever find peace Govind?'
He looked up, in to her bloodshot eyes. Smiled ever so slightly.
Peace Sakhi?' There was a pause. When life itself is a battle, how can you hope for a peace? She knew his answer before he gave it. There was no peace for her, not in this world.
You will' he said surprising her. If you look in the right place. You've been looking for peace in revenge now that would be like looking for moon in the water, which only holds its reflection. Look for peace in justice'
You mean forgive them?'
He nodded. Each one. Let go of the hatred boiling inside you and seek justice. Revenge consume oneself, while justice purifies'
She thought of it for a moment. Her empty mind was slowly filling with emotions again. She could see what had lead to that moment in Hastinapur. What had turned Duryodan what he was then. What had silenced the pandavas, what chain had kept the great Bhishma and master Drona from saving her. She could see what had gone wrong and the path of amending it. She shook her head.
This would destroy everyone,' she muttered slowly.
Govind nodded. They had chosen the path, not you. This journey will be completed now, by any means. Everything we've known, everything that failed to protect you, what failed to save the grace of the true darma is coming to an end. This age is coming to an end. Those old traditions will be washed away. This is the beginning of the end,'
So the price of peace will be too high to pay. But she didn't feel the need of averting the war that was approaching. As Govind had said it wasn't hers to decide.
Sakhi, you've been the strongest woman I've seen. More than what you were born to be perhaps. The gods who granted you would be proud of what they had created.'
She heard him say. But her mind was beyond that conversation at the moment. She had found the strength within her, strength to fight for the thirteen years of struggle waiting for her, to fight the sacrifices the time expected from her. And then she recognized that strength, she had been gazing at it from quite a time now. It was the only question Govind never truly answered. Who he was? But now, in the light of the recent events of her life Panchaali knew the answer. Only, just like Govind she wasn't sure how to explain it.
Had it been worth your time?
Sorry if it had disappointed you.
Waiting to hear what you felt.
Sakura.
Current Affairs
