FF: Ankahee | Completed - Page 5

RK turned the key and the car engine hummed down. He turned off the lights but continued to sit in his place, no longer having any energy to breathe or move. He looked outside the window - the sky had turned dark. And yet, there was a full moon tonight. How unfair it was, he thought, that the night still had its moon while the moon of his life - his Madhu - was lost to him. Then again, it was probably fair - the night hadn't broken her moon's heart. The night hadn't failed in her love. Bu he had. He had hurt his Madhu, not once, but repeatedly. All she had done, on the other hand, was to love him even more and forgive him every time. He knew he didn't deserve her love, in fact, he probably didn't deserve her. But still, he truly loved her.

But still, he wanted a chance.

He wanted a chance to apologize, to heal the pain he caused, to repair the broken trust and to reassure Madhu that he had never, ever dreamt of betraying her. He wanted a chance to make everything right and to love his wife the way she deserved to be loved. And even though he knew he had sinned and probably did not deserve that chance, he still wanted it. Human hearts are greedy, aren't they?

Besides, the hope of that chance was all that was keeping him breathing right now. It was the hope that he would find Madhu and would get a chance to repent for every single moment he had hurt her intentionally or unintentionally. That hope was fighting hard every fear that rose up within him that bore the possibility of Madhu being physically hurt, or worse. No, Madhu had to be safe, because if she wasn't, what was left in Rishabh's destiny? No, Madhu had to be safe, because Rishabh couldn't be alive if she wasn't, and the traitorous hope in his heart wanted to not give up just yet on their love and their life.

The hope of that chance was all he had, and yet the hope was dying with every passing second.

It had been nearly three days now since the fateful night, and yet, there was no trace of his wife. He had spent all morning at the police station today, trying to get a formal case registered as 48 hours had passed and urging them to help him find his Madhu. He had driven to every place Madhu used to go to but had come back empty-handed. He went to see Trishna and Ria but got nothing except curses he rightfully deserved. He listened because he knew they were right, he apologized as profusely as he could because he knew he had hurt them as well, and then he begged them to tell him if they heard from Madhu. "I am ashamed to have ever been your friend", Ria had said. He couldn't fault her, could he? He was no longer someone his friends could trust, that was why they had all turned their backs. He was no longer someone he himself trusted either. He was probably no longer the person Madhu could love and trust as well. And yet, Rishabh's heart was stubborn that the one thing that was still true was his deep love for Madhu. He had always loved Madhu, ever since he had known her, but it seemed strange to him how he had never realized the depth of his love until he lost her. He remembered the day of their engagement - Madhu smiled at him like an angel - and he remembered feeling blessed and incredibly lucky to get her in his life. He remembered the first night they had spent together in their new home after marriage when he had stared at his beautiful, sleeping, anguished wife all night as she slept because he was overcome by an unshakeable urge to hold her, protect her and love her as the most precious possession in his life. They were so happy together, weren't they? But still, why did it feel today as if he had never really known his Madhu? She recognized his every heartbeat, and at the time, Rishabh had felt he finally understood his wife as well, but today, he wasn't quite sure. Madhu had shared all her love, her energy, her joys but she had still kept most of her pains to herself. Did he ever understand the depth of the anguish she underwent upon losing her parents? It wasn't just that they were gone forever; it was the finality that she would really never get the chance in her life to be truly loved by them. It wasn't just their death; it was the death of the hope of ever getting the one thing Madhu had yearned more than anything else.

Madhu didn't believe in love before him, RK knew. And yet, he had found in her a love so intense, so passionate, so devoted that at first he had been scared of it. Yeah, he could now see clearly that it was fear of falling short of that divine depth - he was a mere mortal after all, failure-prone - and not a fear of commitment that had been at the root of his hesitation and confusion when they had first built their relationship. He had always wanted to give everything he had to the relationship, but he had worried that his best wasn't going to be good enough. Yet, the day he ignored the fears and took the leap anyway, the day he had decided to marry Madhu, he had discovered all he could do was give his love the best he could and that was enough for their happiness. He knew all this and he did everything he could to keep Madhu happy in their marriage. But despite everything, he had a blind spot and that had proved his undoing. It would almost be funny if it wasn't so tragic.

When had his life become a competition between his best friend and his wife, and how was it that he did not know? How was it that he found himself at this point, alone and guilty of committing the horrible sin of betraying the wife he loved more than anyone else in the world? How was it that he had never earned enough of Madhu's trust that she could share her fears with him? How was it that he had broken whatever trust he did have simply because he was...blind and stupid?

How was it, that he had never realized until today, how much had he always needed Madhu?

Rishabh closed his eyes and let the tears fall, hoping that either death would come or the answers would, in the shape of Madhu, as he continued to sit in the parked car under their building.

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The phone rang, forcing RK to open his eyes. It was his mother calling. She had called once each on Sunday as well as Monday, but he hadn't had the courage to talk to her. What would he tell her - that he had cheated on and possibly killed her daughter-in-law? As he saw his mother's name flash on the mobile screen though, a thought came to him - what if Madhu had gone to her? Their bond was so strong, it was possible she went to his home. Adrenaline pumped as he hurriedly answered the call.

"Hello ma"

"Rishu! Beta! How are you?" she seemed the same as always. So Madhu was not there? Or maybe Madhu didn't tell her anything?

"I am okay ma."

"You don't sound well at all. What happened? Is everything ok?" Radha asked.

"Hmm"

"Oh, before I forget, I called to say I am very angry at you." Ah, so Madhu was there?

"Ma..."

"No. I know you have your friends to celebrate your birthday but that doesn't mean you don't talk to your mother when she wants to wish you. I even called yesterday but you didn't call back."

"Ma, sorry, actually Madhu..."

"Madhu...I am angry at her as well. She usually calls me every second day at least but she hasn't me called me since Friday either. Is she ok?" Rishabh sighed. Madhu was not with his mother. But what could he answer? He himself did not know where Madhu was and if she was ok. How could he tell her what he had done? And yet, he had to, hadn't he?

*******************************************

By the time RK stumbled back to his apartment, his defeat was complete. "How could you be the same Rishabh I gave birth to", his crying mother had asked, and he didn't have an answer. She was ashamed that her son could betray his wedding vows and hurt his wife so callously. She was his mother, and yet she had told him that he was dead to her until he brought her daughter back to her. Death would be easier, Rishabh felt as he stumbled on his bed, but precisely for that reason he didn't want to die, because that would be simply too easy and insufficient.

An email buzzed on his phone - a failure report. He had typed another email to Madhu on his phone begging her to respond, but the message said it wasn't delivered. The user id did not exist, it read. RK opened his laptop and tried again, for the same result. Suddenly a thought struck him. He opened Skype, Madhu was no longer in his contact list. Strangely enough, the first thought that came to him was of massive relief. Only she could have done this, which at least meant she was alive and well, wherever she was. The second thought, however, scared him. Did this mean she was blocking every access route that could ever lead him back in her life?

The next fifteen minutes proved that fear correct. RK tried every email, IM and social media account he knew Madhu had, and found no trace of her. The worst was when her work email bounced too. Had she quit? He had called her office the previous day, but nobody had a clue about Madhu. And now, it was as if Madhu had wiped herself out of his life. Rishabh's heart sank. The hope that he would ever get a chance to atone was now on life-support as well. Was their story over?

************************************

A week later

RK got off the plane and slowly trudged his way back. For anyone who had ever known him, this RK was hard to recognize. Pain, horror, guilt and anguish were writ large on his face. His eyes had sunk and had lost all spark. His words had dried up just like his tears. His breathing was slow and labored, as if each borrowed breath questioned why he was still alive. And yet he was. Because he could not give up.

He had spent the last four days in New York looking for Madhu because some part of him was convinced she had returned there. He had ran to her apartment as fast as he could and then waited like a starving man waits for his bread to bake, but the person who had opened the door wasn't who he was looking for. It was a stranger, a new tenant he had said who had moved in only a day ago and who had no idea who Madhubala was. Rishabh stood outside the door long after the man closed the door and went back in, staring at the ashes of the starving man's burnt bread. Madhu wasn't here. She had probably never returned from India. But then where did she go?

Like a man possessed who knew nothing better to do, RK continued to go stand there under that building every day, hoping that maybe the tenant was lying and Madhu would emerge out of the building. But it was a mere illusion. He went to her New York office, but they just confirmed that she had quit suddenly for personal reasons. No, don't know, not really - for four days those were the only answers he got and yet he searched until his hope finally flat-lined.

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One month later

The doorbell rang, breaking RK's trance. He had been staring at Madhu's picture in the newspaper advertisement he had got published two weeks back, pleading with Madhu to come home. He did not know if she would see it, but he tried anyway, without any success. There was no light at the end of this tunnel. How he wished that for once Madhu communicated with him and said anything, just about anything!

He had taken an indefinite leave of absence from his work, so all his life had been reduced to now was looking for Madhu and thinking about Madhu, apologizing to her. He had lost everything - his friends, his family, his work - everything that he had once thought was important, but nothing hurt as much as losing Madhu. His dad still talked to him, but his mother disowned him, and that hurt. Rohan had come once a couple of days back, and even though he was still angry, he had quietly sat with RK, not saying anything. That had felt good, even if it was ephemeral.

There was a courier for RK at the door. He opened it and found some papers. A note fell as he tried to look at the papers. Spotting Madhu's handwriting, he dropped everything else and picked up the note to read it.

"Rishabh,

You should have taken your freedom back the first time I returned it to you. Don't fight it, this time. You deserve to be happy, and so do I. This time, I am taking my freedom back as well.

Sorry it took me so long to realize where your happiness lay. Sorry it took me so long to stop selfishly needing you. I am not your responsibility any more. So don't feel guilty. Life is too short to cry over what was never meant to be.

Goodbye,

Madhubala"

RK's heart broke as he saw the divorce papers signed by Madhu. Only a few minutes back he had been praying for any communication from Madhu, and now it seemed like a cruel joke as each word pierced RK's soul. It was never meant to be, Madhu had written. No! That wasn't true! Something within him revolted with an intensity RK had never felt in his life. It was probably the same instinct with which a drowning person valiantly throws his hands and feet about one final time before the waters swallow him. He couldn't let this happen! Madhu was wrong. Their love was meant to be. It was stronger than the cruel game Destiny had played on them. It was stronger than his sins and his blindness, it was stronger than Madhu's fears and insecurities and it was stronger than the ink with which Madhu seemed to have written its death warrant.

He would fight, he decided. He would fight whoever tried to kill that love. He would fight Destiny. He would fight Madhu herself if he need to, until he could bring her faith back. He was not going to give up. Madhu wasn't his responsibility, Madhu was his life. And she was wrong if she thought either of them could be happy and "free" away from each other. He was not going to let a misunderstanding, no matter how big, destroy both of them, RK vowed as he tore the divorce papers to shreds.

The courier envelope indicated that it had been locally mailed. That meant Madhu was still in Delhi, or at least the papers had been sent locally. He couldn't find a sender's name or address, but he saw a brief signature. It wasn't Madhu's handwriting, but RK could vaguely make out the letter V.

V. Vikram? Wasn't he Madhu's friend from her office? Shit! How come he had never remembered it until now? He had never met Vikram but Madhu used to speak of him some times, especially before marriage. After that, he was in another office or in another country or something, RK didn't remember, but it was definitely plausible Madhu went to Vikram for help. Or at the very least, Vikram could possibly have a clue where she was or if she had more work friends. RK kicked himself for not thinking of Vikram until now.

RK called Trishna.

"RK, I told you not to call me." Trishna spoke as soon as she picked up the phone.

"Trish, please. I need your help." RK said

"I will call you if Madhu called me. But she hasn't and I don't want to talk to you."

"Okay, but I need a favor. I think I know someone who could help me find my Madhu. Do you know someone called Vikram - he is in your office?"

"Vikram. He's not in this office. Wait, I think there used to be a Vikram in Madhu's new office after she moved. Why?"

"He was Madhu's friend. I think he would know where she is. Can you please find out his phone number or address or anything?"

"I will try tomorrow morning and tell you what I find."

"Thanks a ton Trishna."

"RK, don't think I am doing this for you. I am doing this for my friend."

"I know, Trish. I am sorry."

"I am nobody to forgive you RK." Trishna said and hung the phone.

RK sat down and wondered if he could build up hope again. He had to, because without hope, he couldn't fight. And he had to fight for his Madhu, so he started hoping again! The question though, was still the same...where was Madhu?