FF : Tere Mere Darmiyaan LAST PART pg-87 dt.10.10.14 - Page 61

Chapter 18

With hands folded before his chest, dutta peered down at the back lawn through the window of his study. Annay was running around with a bunch of children and throwing colors at them. In retaliation they were drenching him with water guns in their hands. His throaty laughter filled the air as he aimed water balloons at them. This was the first time that he was celebrating holi and no wonder he was enjoying himself to the fullest.

Dutta let out an audible sigh. It had taken nakusha several days to convince him to have this holi party. After the demise of his mother he had stopped celebrating this festival. It was almost impossible for him to forget and get past that day. This colorful festival had robbed all the colors from his life. The events of that horrible day were ingrained in his mind forever. He was holding on to those memories as if they were his life when they weren't. In fact they were taking away his life and nakusha insisted that he needed to let go. It had been more than twenty years and still his past had the power to hold his present and his future captive. Twenty years was a pretty long time and how long would he continue to punish himself and deprive himself of the happiness that life wished to shower on him? He needed to move ahead and for that it was extremely important that he celebrated this festival like any other festival. Even though she was being reasonable and logical and wished to see him happy still he wasn't sure that his past would leave him so easily, not till he confronted it. But it was so ugly and gruesome that he doubted he would ever have the courage to face it.

However he was pleased that at least annay was having a wonderful time. Although these colors had discolored his life but he was glad that today because of his wife, his nephew's life was happy and colorful. Seeing annay play and jump around with other kids it made him realize what the child was missing out on because of him. He recalled the day when annay played cricket with the children in the park, how happy he was. Then on the beach while sitting on that swing, he was grinning from ear to ear. And even today while celebrating with his peers he was unable to control his laughter. Surely he was over possessive and over protective toward his nephew, didn't let him venture out of the house and mingle with the outside world and honestly he didn't wish to change that. However he could be slightly flexible and allow the children of the neighborhood to come here and play with annay. Yeah, he would definitely allow that. For years because of his own fear of losing annay, he was knowingly or unknowingly stifling his happiness. But not anymore.

" annay kitna khush lag raha hai nah?" nakusha said looking down at annay who had his face smeared with different colors. He glanced at his wife, he didn't realize when she came and stood next to him. He smiled inwardly, it was always like that. She came in to his life unannounced and silently opted to stand by him.

" haan..teri wajah se."

She smiled and lifted her face to peer at him. For months, this was what she wanted to show him. She wished to make him realize the importance of a normal environment for annay's healthy growth. Something he was ignorant of or preferred to ignore.

She held out the plate of colors and gujiyas that was in her hands and wished," sahab, holi Mubarak ho." Without waiting for him to respond she took some red color powder and did his tilak. He pursed his lips and squeezed his eyes shut. She gazed at him warily when he opened his eyes and didn't say anything. He grimaced and glared hard at those colors in the plate. He truly loathed them.

" sahab." She called him softly. He slowly raised his lashes to look at her. She seemed nervous and unsure. He dropped his gaze and carefully eyed those colors. Lifting his hand ever so slowly he didn't know which color to pick. The red color reminded him of blood and gave him a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. With wary fingers he took some green color, the color of her eyes and glanced at her. Then lightly brushed his colored finger tips across her cheek. A tender smile played on her lips. She knew how difficult it was for him and she was glad that he was making an effort for her sake. She took a small piece of gujiya and brought it close to his mouth. He glanced into her eyes while opening his mouth to have the sweet.

" main yeh mithai annay aur baaki bachchon ko dekar aati hai."

He nodded his head and she turned on her heel to leave when she remembered," sahab, neeche kuch log aapko badhai dene aaye hain." With that she reached the door but realized that he was still rooted to his spot.

" kya hua?" she asked knotting her brows. He shook his head and replied," nakku, main yeh sab nahin kar sakta." The fact that he gave her the permission to celebrate the festival and they even wished each other with colors was the maximum that he could possibly do. He couldn't go down to meet people who were colored from head to toe and celebrate with them. This was beyond him. He couldn't behave as though nothing had ever happened with him. In a single day he couldn't forget everything.

She walked up to him and said," kab tak khudh ko is tarah qaid kar ke rakhoge?" life was beautiful but he had build up walls around himself and was adamant on living behind those walls.

He didn't have an answer and averted his gaze. She held his hand and added," sahab, khudh ko aur kitni sazaa doge..jo beet gaya ussey jaane do..apki usmein koi galti nahin thi." How long would he continue to torture and blame himself for his mother's death? She was sure that it must have been an accident then why was he hell bent on proving that it was a murder and he was responsible for it?

He pulled his hand from her hold and replied bitterly," tu aisa isliye keh rahi hai kyunki tu sach nahin jaanti." The day she'd know the truth, she'd hate him like he hated himself and that's what he dreaded.

" toh phir sach kya hai?" she asked him but he turned his face away from her.

" sahab, ek na ek din to sach ka saaman karna hi padega..toh phir aaj kyun nahin?" she urged by standing in front of him. If he could share some parts of his past then why couldn't he share the whole of it? What was it that was killing him from within but wasn't coming on his lips? What could be so horrible that he couldn't dare to confide in her?

He gritted his teeth and clenched his jaws but didn't utter a word and averted her probing eyes. Just the thought of telling her unnerved him. She had no idea how hideous his past was, it would destroy everything, he would fall in his own eyes and most importantly he feared he might lose her.

She peered up at him with a hope that he might say something but sadly he didn't. She dropped her gaze and said," theekh hai sahab, nakku aap par zor nahin dalegi..aapko jo karna hai karo."

He gazed at her retreating back as she left the study. She was disturbed and disappointed. Even though she succeeded in making him agree to celebrate holi this year but she failed to make him participate in the celebrations. Even though she trusted him blindly and strongly believed that he couldn't be wrong still he couldn't bring himself to trust his fate after telling her the truth. She was willing to pull him out this darkness by lending her hand but he was reluctant to hold it. As much as she wished to support him even he desperately needed her support to come out this hell but...his fears were stopping him, like always.

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For a long time he fought with his heart and his insecurities. In the end he decided to give in to what she desired. With head bowed low and engrossed in his thoughts, he came down the stairs and went to the courtyard where some people of PV had turned up to wish him. Their colored faces and clothes disgusted him and he curled his fingers in a fist. It was difficult, extremely difficult for him to bear their sight. And before he knew they all surrounded him in a circle, threw color powder on him and smeared those colors that he detested on his face. They all were happy, laughing and congratulating him but he was feeling...sick! One of them had a big drum hanging around his neck which he started beating loudly. The sound of it made dutta's mind spin as dreadful images of the past seeped into his consciousness. He could hear distinct sounds. Cruel words about someone...disgusting words and names...terrifying laughter. He held his head and pushed the crowd aside that was daring to swallow him. He was making his way to the house when someone stopped him and offered him a glass of bhang.

" nahin chaiye."

" arey bhau, yeh toh bhole naath ka Prasad hai."

The annoying sound of drum and the cheering of people were giving him a splitting headache. He grabbed the glass and gulped some big sips of it. He wished to run away from this horrible atmosphere that was getting on to his nerves. The bhang made him drowsy, he thought he would stumble and fall down but somehow managed to stagger back to his bedroom. On reaching he put the empty glass on the side table and collapsed on the bed .

Sometime later nakusha came to the room and found him sleeping. Seeing his colored face she smiled, he had finally accepted colors in his life and she was very happy for him. Then her gaze fell on the glass. She peeped into it, so he had bhang, no wonder he was dozing off. Fetching a fresh sari from the cupboard she headed toward the bathroom to have a shower and get rid of all the colors. She shook her head, it would take her more than a hour to clean up. Today annay was unstoppable.

After coming out, she dried her hair with a towel then began combing it. She saw his reflection in the mirror, he was still fast asleep. She exited the room to grab hold of annay and force him to now stop playing with water colors, she feared that he might fall sick if he continued to remain drenched for so long.

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Couple of hours later nakusha returned to the room to check on dutta. He was still sleeping. Outside the sun was setting in, she wondered when would the effect of the bhang get over? After getting a wet hand towel she sat next to him and carefully started cleaning his face.

His forehead wrinkled and his face twisted as he gritted his teeth. She moved her hand back. He began breathing heavily. She watched him carefully. And then her eyes turned wide in horror. His hand went down and she saw him...touching himself. She clamped her mouth shut, what the hell was he doing? She stood up and called him," sahab." He didn't listen. She shook him hard and called out loudly," SAHAB."

He bolted up gasping. Her hand fell away as he slammed into the headboard and sucked in air. He opened his eyes and tried to get his bearings. His head felt like it had been smashed with a board. Consciousness cranked him into a state of alertness. He glanced down at himself and shuddered. He looked white as a sheet and totally stone - cold terrified. He hadn't done this in years.

He was still looking down when nakusha dropped to sit before him. He was forced to raise his head and gaze up at her. She was astonished, horrified and hurt. Shoving the sheets aside he tried to get past her but she clutched his arm and stopped him.

No, not today, she said by shaking her head. Today he had to speak up, no matter what.

He closed his eyes in dread, knowing that she wouldn't accept anything but the brutal truth, hating like hell to say it to her but he had to. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth," baba ke guzar jaane ke baad main bahut akela aur khamosh pad gaya tha.." kala taayi opted to stay in a hostel and complete her studies. With the sudden and unexpected demise of his father, the whole business fell on her mother's shoulders. She had no idea how she would manage it. On top of that she could see that he badly missed a father figure in his life. The ever so naughty and lively son of hers had gone completely silent and aloof. Thus for his betterment and for the management of business she married her late husband's younger brother, Damodar. His uncle or step father used to live separately in another house that was on the outskirts of PV. Therefore they had to leave their old house and shift to the new one. His mother was relieved that now he had a father who cared for him and also readily accepted responsibilities relating to work. They had a man in their family who would be their caretaker. Although his step father was nice to him still he didn't know why he couldn't forget his late father and give him the same place in his life.

Things were moving smoothly till one day damodar decided to drop him to school. His mother was happy to see damodar accompany him.

Dutta paused and looked at nakusha who was keenly listening to him. Gazing into his distressed eyes she could sense that he was fighting with himself to speak further. She reached out for his hand and covered it with hers.

He pressed his jaws firmly and continued. While on their way to the school, damodar stopped him and took him behind a tree. And then damodar's hands touched him all over, not leaving any part especially his private parts. He flinched and shoved his hands away but damodar smirked and told him that there was nothing wrong in this on the contrary he was making him feel nice. That was the first time he was molested.

He didn't know why damodar's touch made him cringe as he definitely didn't like the way his hands ran all over his body. He couldn't figure out why his step father did that to him. As a ten year old child he was confused and more than that embarrassed to share this with anyone especially his mother. From then on he started avoiding damodar but failed to that for long as one evening his mother had gone to the market to buy groceries and he was alone in a room when damodar came in and locked it. Wary to look at him, he preferred to keep his eyes glued to his book that he was reading. However from the corner of his eye he saw damodar stripping. Petrified, he squeezed his eyes shut even though damodar urged him to open his eyes and look at him. He didn't dare open his eyes...he just couldn't. He was clutching his book to his chest when he felt damodar sit next to him. He snatched the book from his hands forcing him to snap open his eyes. He gulped in relief on seeing him changed in to a fresh pair of clothes. He extended his hand to take back the book but damodar threw it away and slowly started feeling his face. Once again his filthy hands started to wander around his body and when he shuddered and protested he told him that he was doing this for his own pleasure. His touch would relax him and asked him to just shut his eyes and enjoy. Helpless tears pricked the corners of his eyes when he was unable to stop him. Later in the evening his mother returned and found him quiet and gloomy. He had this strong urge to confide in her but he didn't know what to say. When he himself didn't know what his step father had actually done with him then what was he supposed to say to his mother? Like before one more incident passed away in his silence. To make it worse, this was not the end...it was just the beginning!

On the weekend his mother went to the hostel to meet kala tayi who's hostel was outside the city thus it took her more than a day to come back. That night damodar slept with him on the same bed. And that night he bled for the first time.

Nakusha felt her blood run cold at his words. She thought her heart would sink any moment. She stifled a sob in her throat. He looked up at her and understood how much it hurt her to hear him of being exploited. She pulled her emotions together. Breaking down in front of him wouldn't help him at all so she simply tightened her grip around his hand and prayed that this was the end and he wouldn't need to continue. She couldn't hear more, she didn't have the strength.

But sadly he had endured much more than that and thus continued. The next morning he cried and told damodar that today he would tell everything to his mother. He wouldn't hide anything anymore. This made damodar furious and he threatened that if he spoke up then he wouldn't do anything to him instead he wouldkill his mother. He turned wide eyed and his heart almost stopped beating. The anger in damodar's eyes coupled with the determination in his tone, terrified him. The thought of damodar harming his mother when he was at school or when she slept with him in the night, numbed his senses. Not just in his absence, he believed that even in his presence, damodar was capable of killing his mother. He had already lost his father, he couldn't afford to lose his mother too. So he chose to keep silent.

His silence then became his weakness because now damodar had nothing to fear. He abused him on a regular basis... When he would be alone at home...when he would drop him to school then on the way he would take him behind the bushes and forcefully teach him how to touch oneself to seek pleasure...sometimes he even came to pick him up from school then in an empty classroom he'd have his way with him. His bleeding and weeping made no difference to that man.

No matter how much he'd wash and cleanse himself, he'd feel soiled and dirty. He'd rub his skin hard till it would turn red but still would fail to get rid of his filthy touch. Often alone in a dark room he would sob loudly and vent out his pain but soon even the tears dried up. Instead anger and bitterness filled his heart. On noticing his changed behavior his mother would often ask him and he would either make an excuse and change the topic or would lie to her but wouldn't dare to confide in her.

Dutta stilled for an instant and closed his eyes before telling her further. For two long years he suffered that abuse and exploitation in silence. Finally one day it all ended and the way it ended, it destroyed and shattered everything around. That fateful holi day damodar and his drunkard friends gathered on the terrace, there was a table placed at the centre on which damodar made him lay. And then in front of all his friends he abused him. They laughed, whistled, beat drums and cheered for damodar whereas he wished to die that very moment. He couldn't endure this exploitation anymore nor he could face this kind of a humiliation. Tears trailed down his face as he fought hard to push damodar off him. And then suddenly in all this noise he heard his mother scream," DAMODAR."

Damodar got off him and stepped back. His mother's eyes were spitting fire, she grimaced and slapped her husband across his face. Enraged by her slap, damodar grabbed her mother's neck and attempted to strangle her. Horrified that damodar would kill his mother, he intervened and tried to free his mother from his hold. Furious damodar, shoved him aside with his other hand and he fell flat on the floor. Seeing that, his mother hit him in his gut, his grip around her neck loosened and then she pushed back damodar who lost his balance and fell off the terrace. His friends took him to a nearby hospital where he was declared brought dead.

Her mother was shell shocked. She had witnessed her husband abusing her child and she'd ended up killing him. Stunned by what had happened, she aimlessly started walking down the road. He tried to stop her by calling her from behind but she was out of her senses. She failed to listen and got hit by a speeding car. To protect her mother's life, he had made his own life hell but at the end of the day he couldn't save her. He held her lifeless body in his hands. She died for and because of him!

Dutta slowly opened his eyes, he'd finally revealed his dark secrets and past to nakusha. Looking down at his hand he found it empty. He didn't know when she took her hand back. A sharp pain pierced through his already shattered heart as he gazed down at his bare hand. So this was it? Had his worst fears come true? He peered up at nakusha who sat still like a statue with her face turned away from him.

The dam of tears broke loose and tears trickled down her eyes. She brought her knees up close to her chest and hugged herself. She didn't know how to react. She was scared, shocked and in a state of disbelief. She didn't wish to close her eyes and imagine what her husband had gone through in his childhood however even without shutting her eyes she couldn't help but think of all that he'd shared with her. The fragmented images made her sick to the stomach and she wanted to throw up. She couldn't believe how someone could be so cruel and merciless to a child? How could someone play with a child's emotions and innocence and that too in such a brutal way? And what was most appalling was that someone was none other than his step father who also happened to be his uncle! He shared blood relation with him yet he didn't think twice before abusing him? Her father had scarred her face but his father had scarred his mind, body, heart and soul. Even after twenty years he was unable to forget his exploitation. For personal pleasure that man had ruined her husband's life! She shivered at the mere thought of a child getting molested not just once but continuously for two years. The picture of a young boy of probably annay's age, terrified and crying all alone in darkness rattled her. What must be running in his mind when he didn't even know what was happening with him? No matter how much she tried she could never understand and feel the trauma that he must have gone through and was perhaps still going through. His nightmares were not only related to his mother's death but also shadowed the abuse that he had to endure as a child. How could he forget something so terrible!

Until now her husband was like a jigsaw puzzle that intrigued and confused her at the same time. But now she could see all the pieces of this puzzle falling into place. Whatever he was today, was because of his past. Those horrifying incidents had shaped him.

To the world he was a shrewd businessman and that was probably because he wanted to control everything. Money was important and handling money was even more important for him because one of the reasons behind her mother's remarriage was that she was weak in handling business and he didn't wish to be weakagain. He wanted to show to the world that he was strong, fearless and merciless, which was why he often went to that fighting ring to vent his anger. The scene where people cheered him, when he beat his opponent black and blue reminded him of the time when he was at the mercy of damodar who was exploiting him before his rowdy friends and he was weak to put up a fight.

He was over possessive and over protective toward annay, didn't let him go to school instead made him study from home. No male servants were employed in the house, even his guards weren't allowed to step inside the house in his absence mainly because he couldn't trust annay with any man. Not even his aide, kale. If his uncle who was a fatherly figure for him, could abuse him then any man could do the same with his nephew. As a child he had been incapable of protecting himself but now as an adult he had to safeguard his nephew. And he wasn't completely wrong.

Shutting her eyes she dropped her head on her bent knees. Everything was dark because her eyes were closed. Her body felt heavy and weak. His traumatic childhood played in her mind. She couldn't help but think what he must have gone through the night when she framed his step father's picture and showed him? The past that he wanted to run away from, the past that he wanted to forget and erase from his memory was suddenly in front of him. He came home drunk possibly because purohitji brought up the topic of celebrating his step father's birthday and if that wasn't enough she added to his misery by framing those pictures and placing them in his bedroom. She cringed and cursed herself under her breath. Even though it was a mistake on her part but still it was big one. She couldn't have hurt him more than that. Surely accidently, but she had scratched his deepest wounds. At the sight of the man who he hated from the bottom of his heart, how did she expect him to react? Definitely those pictures brought his ugly past alive and he was angry, irritated, upset and gravely hurt. So he retaliated! He didn't intend to punish her by raping her but was so badly wounded and furious that he didn't know how to deal with his bitter past that was thrown at him from nowhere. She remembered his exact words that he'd spoken that night.

" mujhe aise dekhkar bahut takleef hoti hai nah tujhe?"

" mere dard ko baantna chahti hai?"

" toh phir theekh hai..aaj tere sawalon ka aisa jawaab doonga ki phir tere pass koi sawal hi nahin rahega."

He wasn't forcing himself on her instead he was letting her know what angered him, what bothered and hurt him so much? She always desired that he confided in her and shared his pain with her. He was doing just that. In his childhood what he had suffered she could have never ever imagined, he had gone through hell and he was showing her that. After being reminded of those dreadful days, his senses went numb and he lost his mind. Could she really blame him for that? Under such circumstances could she expect him to think logically and behave wisely? He didn't wish to harm or traumatize her instead he was venting out the emotions and feeling that were overpowering him. However on seeing the chain that belonged to his father, who he loved, missed and idealized, he realized what he was doing to her and he...stopped. Had he really been a beast he wouldn't have stopped on the contrary would've ensured that she experienced the same pain like him. He wished to be like his father but for sometime ended up aping his step father. And he deeply regretted and loathed himself for that. Rape and child molestation were forms of sexual abuse. Both equally heinous and dreadful. In fact after listening to him she felt that child molestation was worse than rape. So a person who knew exactly how it felt to be abused and exploited as a child would he wish to inflict the same kind of pain on someone else? NO, her heart and mind screamed together.

A part of her was relieved that after that night she didn't misunderstand and hold him responsible otherwise he would have been miserable. Not that he was any better now but still, after baring his battered heart to her, he would feel better. She lifted her head and turned her neck. He wasn't there. She stood up and frantically looked around. The room was empty. Where did he go?

" sahab." She called out.

Thanks for reading.

Rose