Chapter Four
Nidhi came awake in stages. Very unlike the previous time when she had been jerked awake. Now she woke up to..silence. Everything around her was quiet. She blinked to clear her vision and looked around the vast spacious room. A huge king size bed occupied the centre of the room and one side of the wall had complete floor to ceiling windows. The curtains were drawn completely now, creating an illusion of darkness; though a few stray sun rays penetrated the thin gaps in between. There were two doors, one of which presumably led to the washroom. She carefully got up after making sure there was no lingering effect of dizziness and walked around in slow measured steps. Her hands crept up her arms and she rubbed absently as her gaze travelled the whole bedroom. It seemed so..uncluttered. Still even. Calm was reflected in the decoration, from the choice of the huge curtains to the carpet under her feet, to the framed art hanging on the walls.
"We moved in here about a year after we got married."
She got married to Ashutosh. How could she forget that? Why would she forget that? She remembered living in that small one bedroom apartment with Hiraman Kaka while Ashutosh lived in the next building along with a couple of his friends. When did all that change? When did he become so successful that he could afford all this? That car, this house..she looked around the room once again. And why is that she remembered all the dreams that they had dreamt together but has forgotten all the moments when those dreams turned into a reality?
Ashutosh touched her arm, and she jerked from her perusal of the room and her thoughts. "Hey, are you OK?" His voice was calm and reassuring.
"I..I am fine."
He observed her looking around the room once again. "Anything seem familiar?"
She shook her head, suddenly fighting an overwhelming sensation to run as hard and as fast as she could.
"What's bothering you?" He asked gently.
She turned a tight circle. The walls, the furnishings seemed to close in on her and mock her somehow. "Are you sure I belong here?"
Ashutosh seemed to be taken aback by that question. He closed his eyes and ran a distracted hand through his hair. Nidhi frowned. He never used to do that before. Did he? Then she forgot everything as he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly, resting his chin on top of her head. "You belong wherever I am. You belong with me. Always. I know this is all confusing and overwhelming to you but don't worry. I am right here with you. I would never let you go no matter what. And whatever it is, we will fight it together. OK?"
She squeezed him, holding on as tight as she could. She inhaled his scent and felt the steady, reassuring beat of his heart against her cheek. Yes. She always had him. He was her sun and her world revolved around him. Finally she pulled away with a small smile. "I will just fresh up a little. I feel..yuck."
He huffed out a laugh and nodded. "This is our bedroom and through that door is the master bath." A huge walk-in closet paved the way to a bathroom that was large, with a sunken tub and a separate shower. The toilet was in a separate small section and one large sink lined the wall that held a full length mirror. But her gaze locked onto the tub. A distant memory floated by on a cloud, lazy and unhurried. The splash of water. Her sitting in the tub, the water up to her chest. Ashutosh. She blinked as the image came more sharply into focus. She was in his arms, leaning against his chest as the bubbled water lapped over her breasts. And his fingers through her hair as he soaped the long tresses. Her hands automatically went to her head and touched her hair.
"Ranganath is going to come in a while. You can have a shower before that and dress in something comfortable." He gestured towards her side of the closet. "All your clothes are here."
"You used to wash my hair. I remember you..touching me."
Fire built in his eyes until they resembled a storm front. Her cheeks turned pink and in the next moment her whole face turned red. She ducked her head and went into the bathroom. The door closed softly behind her. And left him struggling with his need and fear.
HK extended the tea cup. "Ranga beta, how is Nidhi? You checked her out thoroughly, right?"
Dr Ranganath sighed and looked at Ashutosh. He had been Ashutosh's room-mate while both of them had been studying. Now, Ranganath was one of the leading neurologists in Pune and Ashutosh, one of the richest self-made businessmen and their friendship continued despite their varied professions. He was also one of the very few who knew the whole history of Ashutosh's love, marriage and the subsequent fall out.
"She is fine kaka. Under nourished but nothing that a few weeks of your cooking wouldn't solve."
HK nodded enthusiastically. "You don't worry about that. I will take real good care of Nidhi beti. Everything will be fine now. Things will settle down. The dark period of their lives has come and gone. Now everything will be good. Yes, now everything will be good." He patted Ashutosh on his shoulder and left both of them alone.
Ranganath waited until HK left the study room. "Ashu, physically, Nidhi is fine. All her wounds have healed. Even her head injury is not any cause of concern any more. I read all her reports. Her TGA didn't last long and dilators were administered almost immediately. MRI reports are completely normal."
Ashutosh continued to stare into his own tea cup. "So her memory..when will she get it back?"
Ranganath leaned forward. "If it had been retrograde amnesia caused by the head injury, then the memory would have started coming back by now."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning..I think it is what we medically call PTA. Post traumatic amnesia. Her mind is blocking the memories." He shrugged and avoided meeting Ashutosh's eyes. "May be her reality is painful and her sense of self-preservation is what has prompted the amnesia. A protective buffer or a kind of..coping mechanism if you know what I mean."
Ashutosh got up and started pacing. "Would she ever get her memory back or is it lost forever?"
Ranga also got up and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "She would get it back Ashu. Make no mistake about that. When..tough to say. How..no idea. But recovery is sudden. All it needs is a trigger."
Ashutosh caught hold of the windowsill until his knuckles turned white. "Like a bloody ticking time bomb."
Ranga came to stand beside him. "Do you want her to remember or not remember, Ashutosh?" No answer. "Much as you want, you can't turn the clock back. But you do have a chance now to change the course of the path that you had taken before. Think about it. Chalta hoon. Call if you need anything. Anytime."
Nidhi didn't have to search for the kitchen. She just followed her nose. And now she stood just at the entrance, once again flabbergasted. It was the most modern and beautiful kitchen she had ever seen! The woodwork had been done in a combination of black current and cream. The walls were the same shade of cream as that of the cabinets. The room itself was shaped like a square with U shaped granite counter than ran along the three walls. Had she been the one to pick and choose everything here? HK turned from the stove and spotted her. He gave her a concerned smile.
"Arre Nidhi beta, why did you come down? You should have called me na. You need something? Are you hungry? Dinner is almost done."
Nidhi shook her head. "No. Uh..umm..where is Ashutosh?"
"He is taking some call in the upstairs study. Hasn't been to the office last few days na."
Ashutosh hadn't left the house the last three days. Ever since he brought Nidhi home. He along with HK took care of her, fed her and saw to her every small need before she could even voice it. Nidhi, for her part, slept most of the time and each time she woke up, her mind felt clearer. More rested. So here she was, downstairs, in the kitchen for the first time in her memory.
She sighed and rubbed her forehead. "Kaka, will you show me around the house?"
HK switched off the stove and grinned. "Sure. Chalo. You already saw this kitchen."
"I remember the kitchen in that apartment where we lived." A small laugh escaped her. "Only one of us could enter it at one time.
"I know. That's why this one is this size. Ashu insisted on it. He said Nidhi should have only the best now. No compromise. Be it in the kitchen or size of the stove." Unmistakable pride shone out of his eyes.
Joy and grief intermingled. "But I don't remember."
"Don't stress yourself out on that. You will get it back. Now come." And he showed her the whole house around as if there was nothing unusual about her loss of memory. They started out with the lawn and garden. "This one used to look beautiful. But after.." He gave her a sad look. "After you went missing, all this was neglected. Gardner will come tomorrow and soon the beauty of this place will return."
HK showed her the rooms downstairs. There was a study cum studio kind of a room which held a huge TV complete with home theatre. The other half of the room seemed more like a mini library with books neatly arranged in rows. But those were not the ones that grabbed her spellbound. One wall was filled with photographs. She went to that and her fingers slid over each one of them. Their parents, their childhood, adolescence, college days, marriage, days after their marriage, their whole life was right there on that wall. 24 years of togetherness! She picked the one that was undoubtedly their wedding picture. She was in a red ghagra and he was wearing a cream coloured sherwani. HK hand his arms around both of them. Joy was spilling out of all the three faces.
"Where did we get married kaka?"
"At Omkareshwar Mandir. Both of you looked so good together that day."
Nidhi looked up. "Was Ashutosh happy kaka? I mean..after marriage..was he..did I make him happy?"
Kaka continued to look at the wall of pictures. "You really have to ask that Nidhi? You were..are right for him..the only one for him. As long as he had you, he had the whole world."
She traced her husband's smile in one of the pictures. "Is he still as short tempered as ever?"
HK smiled a little. "All that left him 6 months back when he thought he lost you. After that it was like..nothing could get any reaction out of him. He worked like some kind of a machine. Skipped meals half the days and drinking.."
Nidhi jerked. "Drinking?"
HK nodded. "He was devastated when he lost you Nidhi. Initially he went into denial. And as weeks passed and he had no choice but to accept..he drowned himself. Either in work or in that bottle." He blinked rapidly to clear his vision. "I thought I was destined to see him kill himself slowly but surely."
Nidhi hugged her wedding picture tight and kissed the frame. HK put a hand on her head in a loving gesture. "You are just right for him beti. No other way to put it. You are calm when he has the tendency to get all worked up over things. You centre him. Not a day has passed when he hasn't mourned for you..cried for you..loved you. Now you are back! God bless you!"
Once back in her..their room, Nidhi walked to the walk-in closet and opened the door. Jeans, tops, kurits, dresses, saris, nightwear, lingerie..she glanced down self-consciously at herself. How would she look in them now? From all those pictures she knew she had to be thinner. She went and stood in front of the full length mirror and caught the first look of herself. She was momentarily startled. It didn't look like her. Her hair curled limply at her nape and ears. Her cheeks were thin and hollow, her bones more pronounced. Even her throat looked too small, and her shoulders were angular, not softly rounded. Her gaze drifted to her narrow waist and hips. Boyish. There didn't seem to be any softness in her. Her cheeks turned pink. Ashutosh was her husband now. She remembered his kisses and the way he used to touch her. Her small smile turned into a shy grin. HK had been a strict chaperone indeed and it had frustrated Ashutosh to no end. Well, it had frustrated her too but she never told him that. Had always giggled and escaped before he could corner her again.
She didn't remember her marriage and the last three years. Ranganath told her not to force anything..to just relax and do whatever makes her happy. Fine. That's what she would do. Getting the smile back on Ashutosh's face was what would make her happy. He looked more tired with each passing day and she knew he was worried about her. Nidhi frowned. She didn't even know where he had been sleeping the last three nights. Had she been so out of it that he slept beside her and she didn't even know? This has to stop. She was tired of being weak and so needy. Ashutosh's Nidhi was never weak. He always told her that she was his strength. Its time she picked herself up properly.
Nidhi skimmed through the huge collection of saris and found a peach coloured simple silk sari and took it out. Blouse would be a little loose but..she shrugged. It can't be helped. Her mangalsutra was right there in the jewellery box along with her mother's kangan. Armed with everything she needed, Nidhi went into the bathroom. Kaka said Ashutosh would be done with his call before dinner. She would greet him then. Like his wife. Like Nidhi Ashutosh Mathur.
"No. I don't want that..yes..fine..I said fine! Just get it done. I won't be in the office today either. So whatever the issue is, deal with it. You have been harping about me needing to delegate. Now I have delegated..No. This is one time where it won't be done in phases. Now I am signing off. No more calls. I am done for the day..right."
Ashutosh almost slammed the phone back on the cradle. He ran a hand through his hair and blew out his breath as he set about typing the final email for the day. But impatience ate at him. His VP was probably cursing him blue streak over there and Ashutosh probably deserved it. But how was he to explain to anyone how he felt? He'd lost her. For the entire period of 6 months he existed with the knowledge that she was dead. And now by some miracle he had her back. How could he explain the sheer panic he felt over the idea of leaving this house? What if he got over to his office and discovered this was all some bizarre fantasy?
"She would get it back Ashu. Make no mistake about that. When..tough to say. How..no idea. But recovery is sudden. All it needs is a trigger."
He heard Ranganath's words. What to do now? Put everything out on the table and ask her for a second chance? He saw Nidhi as she had been in the hospital. Desperate, scared and clinging to him. No. The only thing she knows right now is that he loves her. That had been her one constant thing in life until he snatched it away from her. And now she is clinging to that one fact with everything in her. He can't destroy it. He can't make her doubt him or his feelings at this point. She is not strong enough physically either. She is still trying to feel her way around. He can't cause her a setback of any kind. He knew he was taking the cowards' way out but for now, that was the only way available to him.
She doesn't remember their marriage so he would not remind her of that fact again. He would give her time and space. He would make sure she recovers both physically and emotionally. He would once again become her best friend. Yes. He would do that. He fisted his fingers tightly. His whole body twitched and throbbed with the need to hold her..his wife and reassure himself in the most basic way possible that she was alive! Back in his life! He would give anything..anything to have her once more with him..under him..wrapped around him. Her loving arms clinging onto his neck as he made her his..and became hers. Ashutosh shuddered and groaned before locking his jaw. No! Not now. Not until he cleared the air and everything was out in the open. Friends. That's it. That's all. For now.
"Arre Nidhi beti, leave it na. I will put the plates. You go and just sit."
Nidhi finally found the plates rack by trial and error. Just getting dressed had sapped all her energy but she was determined to make a start. The pain of losing her still haunted Ashutosh and she wanted to wipe it away as fast as humanly possible. She wanted to see her husband smile and laugh like before.
"No kaka. I am going stir crazy just sitting and doing nothing the past few days. Ashutosh will be coming for dinner now, right? I want to show him that I am well on the road of recovery."
She smiled and touched her mangalsutra once again. It felt strange around her neck. But a good kind of strange. As if she had always found joy in wearing it. She took it as a good sign. "Kaka..how.." She cleared her throat; her voice hesitant. "Kaka, do I look OK?"
HK stopped stirring the daal to give her an indulgent look. "You look like an angel."
The sound of feet thudding and running was heard a moment before Ashutosh's shout of.. "KAKA! KAKA! Nidhi is not in her room. Where.."
Ashutosh came to a jerky halt as soon as he entered the kitchen. His thundering heart seemed to stop beating completely at the vision before him. Panic receded and was quickly replaced by shock, and sheer disbelief, followed by unbridled joy. Nidhi..his Nidhi! His lungs began to work hard as he stared at her. The violent joy of seeing her like before..like he thought he never would see again..caused his blood to sizzle. She was dressed in the sari that had been one of his first gifts to her after their marriage. He remembered that one because he had bought it the day the bank had approved his loan. He had watched her put it on only to have him pull it off and throw her on the bed. The celebratory dinner was forgotten that night as they commemorated their achievement between the sheets.
And now, here she was! Once again! His fingers flexed repeatedly in an effort to stop himself from touching her. Her hair had been washed, brushed and left loose, just the way he loved it. A twinkling bindi on her forehead and sindoor in her hair. And that peach sari! Nidhi stood her ground, although it took all her strength not to duck her head beneath his scorching glare. Would he touch her? Hug her? Oh, she wanted that. Not the reassuring kind. But a loving hug. A passionate hug. The way he used to the moment HK had turned his back. Her cheeks turned pink and she tried to control the betraying tremble of her lip by softly biting it. She put the plates on the counter with a clatter and a soft winsome smile broke over her face.
"Hi."
The stern cast of Ashutosh's face concealed a torrent of repressed emotion. His tone was raw and scratchy. "Hi."
"I helped kaka in cooking the dinner. You still like daal makhani?" She gave an awkward shrug. "I..don't remember but I thought.."
He still seemed lost as he continued to stare at her with unblinking eyes. "Hmmm?"
"Woh..daal makhani..you still like it?"
"Uh..yeah.."
"Go and freshen up. We will have dinner together."
HK came into the kitchen making sure he made enough noise. That brought both of them out of the reverie. "Ashu beta, go and get changed. Nidhi beti has arranged a candle light dinner for both of you."
"Uh..hmmm.."
Nidhi's wide wide eyes looked into his. "I have forgotten my past and you have forgotten to talk? What a weird couple we make!"
She tried to smile and he understood the effort it was taking her to act normal and not freak out. He made an effort to appear relaxed and smiled. "Candle light dinner. Wow! OK. Give me ten minutes and I will join you."
"I will be waiting for you, my husband." Her tentative voice stilled all his movement.
Thank you Deepa and Aarti. What would I do without you!! 🤗
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