FF-TohseNainalaage piya Sa-Chapter 9-Pg 55 - Page 28

Nothing like that ..I worked for late hours night time so may be lack of rest did this and weather is also not so good here ...sometime it rains , sometime its very sunny ...😕

but I am bit ok dear ..Thanks 😃

fever is not there but still terrible throat infection is there ...I am hungry but everything taste so bitter 🤢

Originally posted by: Amu_05

hi Sai, how are u? Take good care of ur health.

Originally posted by: saibanu

Ok you take care of your heath...

Are you from India ?

Because i reside in Mumbai, So over here it's the same climate how you have mentioned. That's the reason i have asked you about it.

Hope you don't mind.

Originally posted by: achdata3

No I did not mind ...I am from Bangalore 😳😊

Thank you 🤗

I will come soon with my chapter , may be by evening ...😳

Chapter 7:-

Just when everything looked right and perfect something happened making her world crumble down, the illusion shattered when she went to grab the mobile the caller ID showed Anjie and the very moment she understood something is not right she picked up the call with trembling finger, wriggling with call option Nidhi.. Its your baba she heard Anjies distressed voice

What happened? She gasped

Looks like another attack we are taking him to hospital, come soon

Anjies words haunted her as she collapsed on floor only to be pulled by Ashu in his arm what happened?

Something is wrong .something has gone wrong with baba she blurted out and at the moment it made sense to her, that this is what she anticipated all along .

That nothing good should happen to her

Noting good will ever happen to her! She believed in it .these dark thoughts which crushed under giant wave of pain, engulfing her once againagain and again!

With the sudden turn of event, both of them felt distraught and a kind of fear grappled their mind ..After few minutes hanging in disturbance Ashuthosh was first to react, reaching across he shook Nidhi who has gone in total tranquility

Nidhi we should go, where have they taken him ? he asked shaking her shoulder

When she did not replied he dialed Anjies number to ask about their whereabouts.

After making quick call to his baba explaining the situation, he came back to her, cupping her cheeks he looked into her disturbed eyes Nidhi, we should go ...come she did not even reacted, not even flinched like light sucked out of her eyes she stared at him, pain stung upon, all raw and powerful in its form .exploded in his heart Taking her in his arms, he dragged her out...towards parking area and opening the door to his car...he saw her mechanically getting inside and crouching in his car seat .his heart wriggled and pained to see her like this , so quiet and so lost .. Finally With a swift turn, he drived toward hospital

As she clambered down taking her hand, he led her towards emergency room .she still looked lost, scared may be he thought...Involuntary he squeezed her hand but in response she stayed cold and distant

After passing through endless corridors, He saw Anjie and her parents standing with distraught look ..

Anjie was quick to come forward...he stepped back when Anjie took nidhi in bear hug Hush nidhiits fine , they are checking on him Anjie whispered stroking her head

What happened? Nidhi asked in pained voice...

Kapil, Anjies father who was standing beside...Came forward he was fine ...Suddenly he said he is getting severe pain near his shoulder and chestI went to call shyama and by the time I came back he was heaving with pain so we took him here

Hearing this nidhi collapsed on chair, her forehead clumsy with worry lines thickened and her eyes hardened and a kind of gloominess entered her eyes

my baba will be ok right? her face fell and her lips turned thin with fear .she looked all battered up and bruised in response he just gave her compassionate look

He will be fine nidhi I will not let anything happen to your baba.

He saw even his assurance did not help her but instead she just shut herself in silence where even he cannot reach her... with each passing hour she became restless for the news of her baba and with each passing second he saw her passing through verge of breakdown

In between he made quick call to his baba explaining the situation and at one point of time...even rohan came rushing to hospital but she sat untouched from everything and from everyone All over her face there was kind of disbelief like she is going through all motions ..Like she is doing what she has to do but infact she is not there at all.

After long torturous hours, finally door to emergency room opened and duty doctor came to their side

Clearing his throat as if he is ready to give some awful news he stared at them for couple of seconds hello Doctor. Ashu stopped I am Dr Arnav ..

Hello Dr Arnav ...I am Dr Ashuthosh what happened? How is he now He asked anxiously

It was major attack and I believe this is not the first time .? He gave questing look towards them

No but doctors said he was doing better .I always checked his Bp regularly, he was fine Nidhi replied in her quite voice

Dr Arnav gave her sympathetic look but sorry to say it happened We suspected blocked arteries so we did coronary angioplasty to release those blockages...

Will he be fine ? Nidhi asked cutting short his words

Cant say anything for next few hours we kept him in observation, we need to wait till morning to say anything on that .. Nidhi flinched in her seat

Can I see him .?

No, not right now ...he is just shifted to ICU from OT he stopped and gave her pitying look you can see him tomorrow morning .

Not to worry mam.I am sure he will pull through he added reassuringly just before going away .

Once doctor left, Anjie came to her side Nidhi she tugged at her shoulder in response Nidhi looked all locked up, hard as stone

Nidhi , look .listen to me , you go home now , mama papa , you please take her home . Nidhi shook her head violently

I am not going anywhere .I dont want to go anywhere she replied in angry voice

What can you do sitting here nidhi you go and take rest for some time and come back later ... Anjies word get cut short as Nidhi muttered I said, I am not going anywhere .

This time Ashu came to her side Anjie is right you go home .once your baba come back to conscience, he might need youI will stay here he replied

Griping his hand she shook her head Ok, listen to me you go home now ...See its already 3 am...you can come back here by 8 I will stay back with rohan for now ... Anjie mentioned

I dont ..

Nidhi Anjie glared at her Jeejaji ,can you take her home ..?Please Anjie nudged him

Nodding his head, he took Nidhis hand and half heartedly Nidhi followed him like she is in some kind of trance.

Ashu dropped Anjies parents at their place, they asked Nidhi to spend the night at their place but she declined .after stopping the car in front of her home, Ashu asked her to go inside that he will park his car and come...

By the time he entered, he saw her sitting in darkness, huddling on couch, her shoulders dropped and her eyes burning with uncanny pain.he flinched recalling the events of the evening and the night which followed Her distraught words still fresh in his conscience, her agony still pressing on his chest bones filling his inside with an tremendous rage and helplessness which he could not fathom

. switching on lights he looked at her briefly, she flinched under sudden brightness and lowered her eyes instantly when she felt pricking of the fresh tears ready to burst out any moment

Taking glass of water he came to her side Go away she muttered

I am not going anywhere ... he stood adamant

Leave me alone will you? She whimpered

I am not leaving you .not in this state Shaking his head Drink this . He asked calmly

She shook her head I dont want . her eyes full of hot liquids ready to spill out any moment stared back at him .

With a sigh He knelt down facing her I am not asking whether you need it I am ordering you to drink it He mumbled in mock anger and raised the cup to her mouth

With great difficulty she sipped few gulps; placing the glass on table he came and sat facing her Its my entire fault . She muttered bitterly

He narrowed his eyes how can it be your fault Nidhi .?

It is ...everything happening because of me, its my entire fault, always has been She replied chocking with sobs

No it is not he tried to defend

it is ..it is ..it is all my fault she went ballistic, her arms groped forward to reach him when her vision blurred with fresh tears her whole body racked with sobs with edge of deep emotional pain.

Suddenly she felt a pair of felt strong arms around her as she bent down and buried her face in his chest still trembling in her darkness

He was quick to take her in his arms hush up now will you he was stern but his tone carried touch of comfort she longed for

Leaning back to face her why are you blaming yourself for everything .? Tel me one reason because of which you feel guilty. He asked wiping her tears

She looked lost and whimpering like an animal in trap she pushed herself close to him and then replied I should have consulted good doctor..I should have taken good care of baba . Evening I saw him struggling I should have taken him to doctor but I dint . I shouldnt have left him like this.I am so bad Ashuthosh. Her body racked with sobs

Oh Nidhi .you did not knew that things will turn out like this He murmured

What if something happens to baba .I cannot take it. She spoke in frightful voice

No," Ashuthosh interrupted gently. He moved his face towards her, until their foreheads nearly touching. Nothing will happen to your baba ...I wont let anything happen to him, we will hire bestest of cardiologist if they cannot help him here I know good doctors abroad ...I will take him there you need to trust me

I trust you . She smiled in between her sobs But I cant take this

What you cannot take Nidhi? he asked slowly

I feel so awful from inside .: she whimpered

Oh Nidhi You're too strongYoull fight it, just like you did last time."
He wrapped his arms around her and she buried her face in his chest. "I cannot take it, Please help me...," she whispered.
His heart burned hearing the desperation in her voice, his instinct told him there is more to it than one can see looking into her eyes he realized it is not only her babas situation troubling her but something more... all those clumsy, dark thoughts which is suppressed for a while, like ugliness in those white parchment paper finally found a way to rise up in all shapes and forms and now gripped her in its firm fingers when she is most vulnerable ...she is wriggling now, she is in pain

What went wrong and what should I do know? his inside twisted.

She felt herself being pulled by him, his grip around her tightened and it was strange feeling in the dimly dark hallway when her lips sought for his and yet they responded to her with unusual warmthhe rubbed her back and stroked her head

Maintaining his composure "You can" he said.

"You're strong"you're so, so strong. He murmured only to take her in safety of his arms you are so strong thats why I love you he murmured in his most tender voice and listening to his words in between her muffled cry ,in way she felt better.

Can you please stay? Nidhi asked when he got up to go

I dont want to be alone here .Please the desperation in her voice stopped him and coming to her side he nodded his head

Come here... he extended his arm and immediately she came to his side...sitting on couch, he pulled her to his side and placing her head in his lap she sighed

He stroked her head sleep now .if you want to go back to hospital early hmm he whispered and he watched her fluttering her eye lids for couple of minutes and slipping into deep sleep in his lap ..

Not sure how long but with a start Ashu got up from his sleep, it took him several minutes to register where he is and what happened .as reality dawned, he looked down and saw her in same position with her face in his lap and her hands clutching his fingersAs if all the innocence crawled on her face and freezed right there she looked angelic in her sleep

No bitterness, no sadness no resentment.but there is just his Nidhi and nothing else

Quickly he bent down and placed feather like kiss on her forehead...She squirmed but subsided to sleep once again,

He checked his watch and realized it is still dawn, after struggling bit .slowly and carefully he shifted her head from his lap to couch and got up .

His head buzzed with thoughts and constant worry troubled him ,with each passing second he felt kind of compulsion to know the secret behind those distraught words, he wanted to know why she write her secret words in white parchment paper, he wanted to know why she blame herself for everything, he wanted to know why she carry so much bitternesshe wanted to know why she is too cautious to trust him, He wanted to know why sometime she looks lonesome and troubled. he wanted to know why she is ashamed of her own thoughts...is she?

As he sat facing her and looked at her for long time somewhere she reminded him of someone he met few years back in breakfast joint near time squareits the similarities in behavior and the explanation justified his fears, he wanted to shoo of the thought that he is thinking too much in between lines, he is assuming but the more he thought the more close he got to realization.

Ashu remembered it had been a beautiful Sunday morning that day when he met MR Autry.After busy and tiresome weekday , he had gone with Jason to breakfast joint , when an African American came to their side and shook Jasons hand Hello MR Autry .how are you ? Jason had wished him

Ashu remembered the shabby look and unclean aura in Mr Autrys appearance, with his unshaven face and dirty clothes he looked like a person who came straight out of garbage bin

Mr Autry..Meet my friend from India Dr Ashuthosh

Mr Autry had given him kind smile but Ashu remembered staring at his bitter eyes India .I am believer of hanuman we do have temple in Durban he had replied smilingly

When he left Ashu nudged Jason who is he ..?

He owns this place and many like this ..

Are you kidding me ? Ashu had given him baffled look

I am not he own 5 more joints like this and 2 night clubs and a ware house he had mumbled chewing spoonful of mashed potato

But

Jason smiled dont go with his appearance he is bloody rich that he can buy us both in one shot telling this Jason had grinned

How do you know him?

He is my patient he is coming for session from last week, that guy is in big mess I tell you Jason who is senior clinical psychologist in same hospital as ashu had replied

Whats wrong with him? Ashu had asked even more intrigued

Self loathing Have you heard about it?

Yes...and no...

Jason had given him uneasy smile Its a state of mind; where a person goes through intense period of self loathing, in midst of bouts, they criticize every action they do losing any sense of perspective, they start berating themselves for things that are not even valid or worth condemning .Everything they think, everything talk, everything they do is just not right...Thats what they feel, they see faults, flaws and failures, they even feel shame, embarrassment and anger towards themselves

Why is that .?

Mostly it is due to past circumstances ...it happens because of damaged self esteem also somewhere I feel this result of deflated ego. Basically this is the result of feeling worthless for long which trigger this mindset ..They find difficulty in taking decision because they just cannot trust themselves they back off moving forward but they let everyone walk over them .they feel worthless, inadequate and sometime they give least importance to themselves sometime not at allyou can make out from his appearance cant you ? Jason had asked

Ashu had nodded his head They feel they are full of flaws and world will reject them because of that They feel Ashamed of themselves and even more ashamed that they feel like this from inside thats why they feel ashamed to share these thoughts..they are like bundle of complexes , but its pretty awful state I tell you, you cant talk about it nor you can keep it inside Jason had replied pityingly.

Isnt there any cure ?

Of course there is somewhere he started blaming himself Ashuthosh and now he need to talk, I need to make him talk .not like probing, just general talk initially you know.I need to get his trust first to open his heart .and then I need to reassure him that everyone are flawed and no one is perfect that whatever happened , he was not at faulteven though he was , its ok do mistakes sometime.same time I need to make him realize his worth which eventually increase his self esteem , he need to accept himself wholeheartedly.then He will come around , everything interlinked in this brain .one thing goes wrong , booom ..Our system will crash Jason had grinned back .

That moment when Jason explained the situation Ashuthosh did not understood the depth of complication but now staring at Nidhi his Nidhi! it hit him like rock...

I dont trust so easily he squirmed in chair

I need time to take any decision . He gasped

I am so ugly . His inside burned

You should not read any of this Ashuthosh ... her disturbed eyes, her shattered heart, her head bend down, those pieces of paper in middle of torn pages .Are you Ashamed of your thoughts?!!

I am so ...so bad Ashuthosh sound of her agony swallowed him whole

It engulfed him why you detest yourself Nidhi? his inside wriggled

It is processbut I tell you Ashuthosh, self hatred is worse than loneliness ..They condemn and when things go out of hand . They find difficulty in communicating this with outer world which eventually lead them towards destruction Jasons word echoed through his conscience she who stood silent crying out for help and no one, not even him observed recognized her agony, shuddering under sheer force of reality as if her despair swelled and reached till his heart .he gasped and lone tear dabbed from his eyes Ohh ...Nidhi... his voice choked heavy with his emotion and her despair

But unaware of everything Nidhi slept peacefully in front of himsoaking in bleak daylight; trembling in her own darkness beautiful yet damaged like a fallen angel.

Sometime I feel worthless

Sometime I feel inadequate

Sometime I feel people put up with me
Sometime I feel so insecure so unsure about myself

Sometime I look like failure

Sometime I feel stupid for being hurt like this; people will laugh at me if I admit

Sometime I hate myself for feeling so low and even more when I look at other person for reassurance

Sometime I feel that one day I will go inside surgery and they will cut me open and there wont be anything inside of me nothing at all but just black pit of self loathing

Do I detest myself!? I say those words like venom clogged inside my throatstanding in front of mirror, opening my Pandora box of heart; I let all the awfulness flies out in open air until it encircles me in thick fog. I am isolated now and more miserable inside my own head .it is like there is another me, standing there and watching me go on and on about everything , eventually digging myself in deeper mess I am locked now , knee deep in my darkness , caught up inside my tangled up emotions and hopelessness ..I am my own enemy now

Looking at outside world

I murmur How can I run away from myself?

No one answer and strangely no one can hear me..

His forehead was a maze of anxious little frowns when he folded the paper, some fluttering feeling in the stomach the restlessness, the yawning, which kept him like swallowed, like a kind of agitation which clutched his every sense...

Pacing restlessly Ashu called Jason, after couple of ring he heard Jason gruff voice Hello Ashuthosh .long time how are you?

I am fine how are you?

I am doing good Ashuthoshjust working my ass off Jason replied

So how is wedding preparation coming along Ashu asked casually

It has got postponed buddy .I was about to call you this weekend! Cassandra wants our wedding to be in charlotte where her folks were married .beach house is full for next 2 month he sighed

You tell me how everything is .? If I am not wrong its early morning in India isnt it?? All well buddy ... Jason asked after a pause

With a sigh Do you remember Mr Autry?Ashu stuttered

who ?

MR Autry .we met him few years in breakfast joint

yes I do He paused what about him ?

how is he ?

you called to ask how is Mr Autry .!! Jason asked in surprised voice

yes

Strange Jason paused and after couple of brief second, he continued He done with his session .but he was doing lot better in the end Jason added

I think , I met someone like him here.she is in trouble Ashu replied uneasily

Tell me about it . Jason nudged further

And Ashu explained briefly all the events which unfolded and his doubts and worries.

Without disturbing Jason listened to everything Can you help her? Ashu asked finally

Clearing his throat Jason replied what I understood from your explanation is that she started sharing this with you that means she is getting comfortable to tell you about this .

Not clearly but yes in a way, yes she started sharing this with me

That means she already took first step.

What do you mean?

What I mean is ...it is not some illness which need expertise to deal with this is simple attitude problem more like behavior problem which can be alteredand I believe you are already doing what I could have done .

I dint get you

Somewhere you started helping her Ashuthosh .without your knowledge you helped her ..She is in healing process now he paused

But

Listen to me, will you Ashuthosh Jason replied in calm voice

There is nothing to get worried here, her mind is in knots now and you need to help her to loosen those knots .and how can you loosen those knots ?, huh you need to talk to her Jason added

So what should I do now ? Ashu muttered in exasperated voice

Talk to her once and if you still think she need help then I will fax you one address ...take her to him she will be fine

I cannot see her like this! he muttered in distressed voice its difficult for me to see her hurting . He added uneasily

Trust me Ashuthosh.nothing has gone wrong, it just that one of us need to help her to find the switch which will reverse the process Jason replied reassuringly

Ok Ashu mumbled uncertainly and after a brief pause Any advice ? he asked huffing out his distress

Jason chuckled yes I will give, if you answer my question!

What?

Is she the one finally huh? Amused, Jason asked

A smile crawled on his strained face yes .she is the one he mumbled certainly

Good then make her feel like that hmm make her feel good about her, she will be just fine he replied before hanging up the phone.

You are still here startled by the voice, he turned his head to meet her amazed but pleased gaze

You asked me not to go how I can leave you he smiled

She gave bright smile which reached till her eyes. suddenly as if reality sunk in, her face crumbled and worry lines deepened any news on baba

Ashu shook his head and after a brief pause of uncertainty, he looked up at her face Nidhi we need to talk he mentioned in his controlled voice

Looking at his strained face and There was something in his eyes which confirmed her suspicion that he knows about her now she understood that he could see right through her and peep into her inside worlda part of her shuddered but a part felt relieved that there wont be any more secrets lying between them...

Ok . She mumbled in her meek voice, her heart pounded furiously when he came to her side and dragged a chair for her.

Taking her hand, he gave her comforting look Why do you detest yourself Nidhi ? he came straight to the point she squirmed in her chair when She recognized pain in his voice, restlessness and agitation like all her suffering already became a part of him now, like he is in pain along with her now!

Sorry for the delay , I was not well so could not post it on time ...not sure how it came out ..I really hope you all like it 😳

Let me know ...Thank you 🤗