OS- Surrogate fatherhood - last part Pg 2

Part 1

My gynaecologist colleague Dr Deepa Shah needs my opinion on one of her patients. The lady is four months pregnant but has been advised surgery for an aneurysm in the brain. Dr Shah wants a second opinion on whether surgery could be deferred given her pregnancy.

I am about to walk into Dr Shah's cabin when I hear something that stops me on my feet.

"Doctor, is there no way to treat my infertility? My husband and my in-laws are already discussing his second marriage on the grounds of my barrenness. I love him very much and he loves me too. But he is unable to withstand pressure from his parents. He promises that he will love me just the same even if he has to marry again. But I am scared that he may abandon me!"

Dr Shah is murmuring something reassuring in response, but I do not wait to hear. I am filled with rage against that unknown man. What kind of an animal is he to think of abandoning the woman he loved just because she is unable to bear him a child? And the woman thinks he loves her still? How delusional is she? Did these people even have a clue what the word love meant? God, there should be a law against the word love being used so loosely? What is love if not complete and unconditional acceptance of each other's weaknesses and strengths? How could the desire for a child make a man indifferent to the emotions of a woman he had sworn to love and protect all his life? Is he himself not betraying and hurting her beyond belief?

I was so angry that I practically walked into someone who was walking towards me. Only as she bent to pick up her stethoscope and the reports that she carried did I realize that it was Nidhi! Had it been four days since i last saw her? How many days had it been since I last held her? I could not bear to see her pallid cheeks and her empty eyes. She was no longer the woman I had fallen in love with and married. The last couple of months had changed her completely. She had become hardened, focused on her work to the exclusion of all else, it was like she had forgotten to smile. Why was she doing this to herself? Why could she not come back to me? Did she not know that it has been months since I have had a goodnight's sleep. The dark circles under her eyes revealed that she hadn't either. Why could we just not put the past behind us and move on. Mallika had been discharged and was back home. She had been declared fit to resume work. She had gone back to work at City hospitals. I called her on occasion to check if all was well with them but beyond that, there was nothing more. Why hadn't Nidhi seen this? That it was just about humanity and nothing else?

"I'm sorry, Sir...I didn't see where I was going...forgive me!"

Nidhi's voice broke through my reverie.

"Am sorry, Dr Nidhi...the fault is mine...I wasn't looking either!"

"Pity that, Sir...if one of us had looked, maybe we wouldn't have collided!"

Was she still talking about what happened just now?

I try to look into her eyes but she walks away without waiting for my response.

I feel strangely restless. I decide to go back to my cabin and wait out whatever was bothering me. I will be fine, possibly there is a mild fluctuation in my pulse or BP. Let me just get myself a cup of coffee and relax for a bit. All will be well!

I go into my cabin and call the canteen for a cup of coffee. I close my eyes and lean back against the chair. That conversation that I overhead keeps ringing in my ears! Why am I letting someone else's life story affect me so much? I can't be teaching other people how to behave!

Just then there is a knock at the door. Mallika peeps in followed by Maxi.

"Hi Mallika...come in...what is this...a surprise visit?"

"No AShutosh, I had an appointment with Deepa...!"

"Oh...you should have told me...I could have picked you up!"

"Why would you? I am perfectly capable of bringing myself over!"

"But still...did you take a rick...it is a bad idea for the child!"

"Stop fussing, Ashutosh...this is my child and nobody else can possibly care for it more than I do...!"

"I did not mean that...just that you need to be careful in such times...!"

"I am aware of that too...I took a call taxi and asked him to drive carefully. I am more than capable of taking care of myself!"

"Good then...so what did Deepa say?"

"All is well. We in fact got our first scan done today!"

"Really,,,why did you not tell me...I could have been there too!"

Mallika looks at me strangely.

"Why should you be there, Ashutosh?"

I don't have an answer to that. Why had I even suggested that in the first place?

"Ashutosh, is everything okay with Nidhi?"

I don't know how to answer that either.

"I don't know if she told you but I spoke to her before I got discharged. I don't know if she has forgiven me but she does not resent me anymore. I begged her to let go of her resentment for the sake of the baby. I don't want him to bear the weight of my past sins! I broke down in front of her, AShutosh...and the girl was large spirited enough to grant me that...I think you are incredibly lucky, Ashutosh...not everyone is blessed with the company of a loved one...I hope both of you learn to count your blessings. My barren life should teach you that if nothing else!"

I remain silent.

"Ashutosh, I cannot be grateful enough for all that you did for me. I also know how badly you want a child. But please, understand that girl and give her the time she needs. Don't try to experience beforehand that which you should share only with her. It is not fair to her, fair to you.,...and fair to me!"

Her voice breaks as she says the last words.

Then she gets up and leaves with Maxi rushing after her.

I remain sitting there stunned, not knowing what has hit me! God, what have I done? Is this what I have been doing? Is this what this has been all about? Is Nidhi right then? Have I been trying to experience impending fatherhood through Mallika's child? Have I so lost control over my inner desires that I seek subconscious means for their vicarious satisfaction? So, is my humaneness just an excuse? I suddenly feel cold, as if I have been stripped naked.

I get up and run out of my cabin as if the devil is at my heels!

Part 2

God, I feel so weary! The surgery had lasted four hours and it had been a complicated one, requiring complete focus and attention. Dr Metha had complimented me on a good job done at the end of it but all I could manage was a wan smile in response. None of it really seemed to matter. All I can remember at the moment is the restless vibes that Dr Ashutosh seemed to be emanating. He seemed very disturbed for some reason. I send out a silent prayer asking for everything to be okay with him. I pick up my mobile and notice ten missed calls. All of them from home. I can't help feeling perturbed. Why had Baba been calling me?

"Hello Baba, sorry but I was in surgery...is everything okay...why have you called me so many times...?"

"Beta...can you please come home?"

His voice sounds broken.

"Baba...I don't mean to disrespect you...but I can't come back...you know that...how can I when Dr Ashutosh does not even need me?"

"But he needs you, beta!"

"You are saying that, Baba...he hasn't!"

"He is in no condition to say it, beta!"

What did he mean by that?

"What do you mean, Baba?"

"Beta, he is under sedation at the moment!"

"What?"

"He came home a couple of hours ago...he seemed very stressed and he was sweating...he went into the room and locked himself up. I tried knocking at the door but he did not open it. Then , Hiraman and I got scared and we broke the door open. Beta, he was lying on the bed, soaked in sweat...he was just staring at the ceiling blankly and all he kept saying was your name. He seem distressed and was trembling violently. I gave him a sedative to calm him down. I think he's had a panic attack...can you please come?"

His voice choked as he begged me yet again.

For a second, there was darkness in front of my eyes and the room seemed to swim around me. No, I can't be weak! He needs me to be strong.

"Hello...Helloo..!"

"I'm coming, Baba!"

I rush out of the hospital to catch an auto, unconsciously clutching on tight to my mangalsutra.

Part 3

Ashutosh is staring at the ceiling. The convulsions have stopped and so has the sweating. But even the heavy sedative has not put him to sleep.

Baba sits by his side and trys to brush his hair off his forehead. Ashutosh does not even seem to register his presence. Baba tries to gently remove the pillow that Ashutosh clutches on to but his grip does not loosen. Baba sighs and gives up. What are these children doing to themselves? They clearly love each other beyond all else and yet, they are unable to resolve their differences. He sends a silent prayer up to his daughter asking her to take care of her daughter and son-in-law!

He hears the door bell ring. In a matter of seconds, Nidhi enters the room.

Her eyes appear wild and her hair is all over her face. She does not even seem to register his presence. She rushes to Ashutosh's side, clambers on to the bed and automatically picks up his hand and feels for the pulse. What she feels seems to satisfy her and her body relaxes just a bit. She looks up and sees him.

"What happened, Baba?"

Her voice breaks.

"I don't know, beta,...he did not say a word to me...!"

She looks up at Baba and then looks back at Ashutosh and then back at Baba again!

"Baba, can you please leave us alone for sometime...please?"

Baba nods for he does not trust himself to speak either. The naked love and need shining in his granddaughter's eyes unnerve him. This moment is too poignant, too intimate and too sacred to be witnessed by any other!

Nidhi closes the door behind him and returns to the bed.

She sits next to Ashutosh and gently strokes his forehead. Her touch seems to evoke no response. His eyes continue to stare into space. She slowly lowers herself to lie down next to him. She tries to take the pillow away from him but he refuses to let go even in his sedated state. She closes her eyes and tears squeeze through. What had happened to him? Why was he this way? She couldn't bear to see the man she loved reduced to this broken spirit.

She slowly manages to wriggle her way into his arms and throws an arm around his waist.

She then raises herself above him and kisses him on the forehead. His eyes, that refused to shut for so long, suddenly close of their own accord. She then proceeds to kiss him on the eyes. Tears now start flowing from beneath his closed eyelids.

She proceeds to sip the tears from his cheeks, drinking in all his pain and bitterness.

He starts emitting piteous wails, like an animal in pain.

She gathers him in her arms and presses her mouth to his to shut off the cries. For her heart breaks just a little at the sound of each one of them.

She infuses her life's breath into him and coaxes him back to the life.

His arms rise of their own volition and crush her to his frame.

She raises herself up and looks into his eyes.

She can see his broken spirit reflected in his eyes.

He attempts to speak

She shushes him by placing her hand on his mouth.

"I have already made my diagnosis and prescribed your medication too. You need to be put on it immediately if there is to be a chance of recovery!"

His eyes continue to water but a semblance of hope seems to peep through in his broken eyes.

"Sometimes the disease depends on how aggressive the course of treatment is, Words are too mild a drug to deal with what ails you and me. You need me and I need you!"

She offers him herself as his cure. She knows that no other drug can possibly begin to heal what he is suffering from. They needed to come together in the most basic of ways if they were to have a chance.

She starts off by unbuttoning his shirt and then pulling it out of his trousers. His belt followed and then the rest. He seems to flinch from her generosity but she is unrelenting. She knows that there can be no other way to start.There is much to be said and much to be done. But there is no other way and no other place to begin from.

In a room shrouded in darkness, the beginnings are laid to put to rest the deepest and ugliest of fears and insecurities. Their iridescent passion helps to drive away the darkness in their souls as they both set off on their voyage of mutual discovery!

Part 4

The water drops from her hair were like a blessing from heaven. A blessing that he thought he had lost forever. A blessing that he is convinced he does not deserve anymore after yesterday. He wakes up from a beautiful dream to the barrenness of ugly reality, only to realize that it was no dream after all. She sits beside him like always, splashing droplets of water from her hair onto his face.

"Aap yeh bin mausam barsaat roz chahte the na?"

"What is the point of rain in a desert, Nidhi? "

"it is for the rain to decide where it it shall shower its abundance!"

Ashutosh closes his eyes in defeat.

"What happened yesterday?"

"My mask of humanity fell off and I saw who I was...and I could not handle what I saw?"

"What did you see?"

"An ugly man...a man who is so overcome by his desire for a child that he looks for a vicarious means of satisfaction...he tries to play father to the child of a woman who betrayed his wife in the worst possible way...and he justifies it in the name of humanity,...and when his wife questions him on the same, he leaves her with no choice but to leave home...and then when he listens to a conversation about a man who is willing to abandon his barren wife, he curses that man to hell and beyond...not realizing that he is no better than that man...while consenting to her desire for a career and her request for keeping a family on hold, he secretly betrays his wife by taking his desires elsewhere...I have betrayed you in the worst possible way, Nidhi!"

Nidhi was silent for a while.

"And you offered yourself as a balm to this ugly, broken soul...and I grabbed it with both hands because I knew this was probably going to be my last taste of heaven before I was condemned to perdition!"

Nidhi exhaled heavily.

"So, why do you think I offered to be this balm...despite knowing that you had done what you had done...?"

"I don't know...maybe you wanted to punish me with more kindness?"

"And why would I punish myself?"

He looks at her brokenly, not knowing what to say!

"Why do you punish yourself for being human and imperfect?"

"Because being perfect and principled was what gave me my identity!"

"And the love we share?"

"That is my soul?"

"And your soul is not your identity?"

He did not know what to say to that.

"Ashtuosh, isn't it time you accepted that neither of us is perfect...we have our own insecurities and fears, some of them legitimate, some of them not, some of then nasty and some of them downright ugly?"

He looks at her intently.

"I know you are wondering about the dropping of the prefix. I think we need to start this relationship on a more equal footing. Our professional roles should not compromise our personal relationship!"

"I am sorry for the time I shouted at you in the hospital corridor!"

"And I am sorry for not realizing that I was talking to my senior who is also my husband. A hint of disrespect from me and you are compromised both professionally and personally!"

"Nidhi...please do not think of this as an excuse...but I did not know that I had overstepped the boundaries of humaneness and ventured into the territory of personal desires...I did not know that I was trying to enjoy fatherhood through Mallika's child...I did not even believe you when you told me...but she caught me out yesterday when I asked her why she had not let me accompany her for the scan?"

Nidhi visibly flinched.

"I am sorry, Nidhi...but I do not want to hold back any ugly truths today...I want you to see my ugly face in all its glory...and decide if you still want your life soiled by it...you were right in leaving me that day, Nidhi...you have every right to regret this marriage!"

"Did you regret marrying me when I put my career ahead of your happiness?"

"Why would I, Nidhi? The child is a joy that I long for...but you are my life and soul...of what use is a joy when you don't have a life?"

Nidhi's eyes welled up with tears.

"Why didn't you say this the day I wanted to leave? I would never have left you if I'd heard this!"

"I thought you knew. I thought you felt this truth in every caress and every kiss that we exchanged. Intimacy is not just about libido, Nidhi. It is a way of expressing love and longing, it is a way of seeking acceptance. Every time you accepted me within you, I felt more secure and less abandoned. I can't help the scars of my childhood, Nidhi. They make the darkness of the night that much more scary!"

Nidhi threw herself in his arms and hugged his head to her chest.

"My baby...is that why you couldn't sleep without me by your side? You wanted my scent at least for company to reassure you that you were not abandoned?"

He looked at her with his heart in his eyes and she fell in love with the man all over again, this man with his ugliness, his insecurities, his ego and his principles. This man who strove to be a good man and who broke down when he realized that he had not lived up to his own expectations. A man with a conscience in a world without one!

"Ashutosh. Why did you not tell me more about your insecurities...about your deep rooted desire for a child...why did you let me assume that you are alright with it...why did you not break my bubble?"

"Because I saw that you were so happy with the bubble...I did not want to break it...you have given up so much to marry me, Nidhi...I wanted with all my heart to give you those two years...and I did not want to grudge you the time...I wanted you to achieve your ambitions without a semblance of guilt..."

"And in the process you kept your desires buried deep within...and decided to air them where they would be of help to someone...someone on whom they would not be a burden...?"

Her voice broke and she could not contain the sob that erupted.

"Forgive me for driving you to this, Ashutosh...forgive me for somewhere not recognizing the strength of your needs and trying to meet them!"

"Nidhi...the need is strong...but not just for a baby...what I want is your complete and unconditional acceptance...and the baby is proof of that acceptance...it will make sure you don't leave me ever again!"

"You fool...why do we need a baby for that...we are so much a part of each other...we own each other's souls...even if we are stupid enough to walk away from each other, our love is a strong enough bond to bring us back together!"

"I know that now...all your anger couldn't keep you away yesterday when you sensed that I needed you!""

"That is all i want,,,to know that you need me...that you will not seek someone else simply because I am unable to fulfil your need!"

"Is that what you thought?"

"It is what my guilt taught me to think,,,,and then this was Mallika...someone who has time and again exercised her claim over you...finally. she could offer you what I could not...I was terrified that...!"

He put his hand over her mouth.

"Nidhi, you are me,,,,what need can supersede my need of myself...?"

She draws a deep breath and nods.

"You know Mallika delivered me a verbal slap yesterday,..when she told me that I should share with you and you alone the joys of parenthood...and no vicarious or second hand experiences should be allowed to sully the experience...!"

"She said that?"

Ashutosh nods his head.

"That was when I realized what I had actually been doing...believe me, Nidhi...I would never let myself wantonly betray you emotionally...!"

"Hush...that was no betrayal...that was just...just...!"

"It was, Nidhi...let us not delude ourselves!"

"So if you betrayed me emotionally with another woman's child, then I betrayed you emotionally when I put my career ahead of your needs!"

"You are comparing apples and oranges to make me feel better!"

"I am just saying we are both guilty of different things but that we need to put them behind us and move on!"

"Are you sure? You think you can forgive me for this? I am not sure if I can?"

"Stop trying to be Mr Perfect and you will be fine...accept that you are human enough,...like the rest of us...and we will be fine!"

"Promise to never leave me again...if I am stupid or obstinate or pigheaded or whatever, just give me one tight slap and make me listen...I think I missed out on my quota of spankings from my childhood!"

"When we have our kids, I'll make sure you share in their quota!"

"You lay a finger on our kids and I will...?"

"What will you do?"

"I will not lay a finger on you?"

"You can do that?"

"Well, it is incredibly hard...but I will find the strength from somewhere to do it?"

"And what if I lay a finger on you?"

"Then I am a goner!"

"Let us both be goners today then!"

The door to their bedroom does not open till mid afternoon that day.

Baba sends up a thank you prayer to his daughter up there for setting right her daughter and son-in-law's life and love.

okay people...that's it from me...


Thanks Aru...glad you liked it!

Sujatha,

wow!!! It was really nice... I loved it... Since I was reading about their MUs, n nidhi leaving home, I was just thinking, if ever Ashu gets terribly sick, no other better way is it to bring nidhi back... watever they do, but at the end they love each other a lot... n wont leave each other in such a condition... U very well portrayed it... Thanx 4 the os...

Wow sujatha that was simply awesome👏...the way yoo made ashu realize was simply amazing...no words to express my emotions...ashu having panic attack...imagining his condition brought tears to my eyes...u are a great writer...thanx for making such wonderful efforts n letting us read an amazing piece of ur work👏

Sujatha i always knew you were a fabulous, fantastic writer but this was out of this world. Loved how you showed their respective insecurities and brought them together. This is what is needed in the show...them communicating.

As always... Beautiful... Thank you for such a touching OS...