an OS

Hi 😉

Basically its my take on Ashu's mind frame that day.

"Excuse me Dr Ashutosh", he stood rooted on the spot. It was the same voice he had been at the same time longing and dreading to hear. Since that scene in his office he was facing her. He turned around as if to check if it was her or simply yet another figment of his imagination he was finally looked and her and what he saw shattered the meager control that he had over his composure. He was no more in the party rather he was facing the ultimate proof of his doomed fate. He had no one at the start of his life, then the man who became his life left him mid way and now the one person who had revived him since Baba's going was in front of him a shadow of her former self and it was HE who had caused that.

Despite the desolation there was longing ,longing to finally see her, yet he could not say anything as he was the cause of her condition. Gone were the bubbly eyes as he looked at her what he was were just questions, questions he did had no answer or simply did not want to answer. His guilt got the better of him as he turned away from her... anything would be better than those eyes.. the questions... the reproaches... HE knew he was being a coward it was easier to look away than to face her... the one person who had reawaken his soul, who had started to break into his armour.

"I have just one question to ask you" she continued, he tried to look away block off that voice. She continued " I know it is not the time nor the place but I don't know if after today we will ever meet again or not".. To him each word she uttered were like daggers... hurting him, reminding him that he deserved every word she said yet more that the words it was what remained unsaid that hurt more. Her voice showed how she was trying to keep in control yet to him hearing her was a reminder that HE did that to her.

Then, there was the silence, he wanted to say something but could not he was as if rooted on the spot what could he say... and she continued " I have just one question.. one question... what you did to me? Why did you do it. As she said these words his gaze moved back to her... to those eyes which bewitched him into changing and what he found was accusations, questions and all these were the fruits of his action, and action that he himself could not explain. Was he right to nip things at the bud or should he have given it a chance. Then again what chance could he have given when fate itself had never given him the time to love people who were around him?

" What were my mistakes, what did i do to get such a punishment, Why did you behave like that towards me?" The more she spoke the more he felt cornered, it was as if his conscience was speaking, telling him off for his injustice showing him how low he had fallen in his own eyes. "Was it because I made mistakes or was it because I tried to better the lives of those orphans from the children's ward. His gaze shot back to hers as she mentioned the children's ward. Deep down he knew that she was probably the only doctor who genuinely cared for those kids they were not just patients but human beings who deserved that one stopped and cared for them.

Each time she questioned his act it was as if his conscience was taunting him, taunting him for his action. "Or was it because Doctor Malika does not like me? As she said these words He had to look away, he knew she would have understood the truth if she saw his eyes. She was probably the only one who could see behind the facade that he projected she had seen the vulnerable man behind the image of the rigid and strict Dr Ashutosh. Just as he thought she would stop came the ultimate offensive... " Was it because I... I " she did not complete it yet he knew what was meant. That was the one time he held on to her gaze. What he could see there was an almost identical reflection of his own conflict. He longed to move forward, say something, do something to alleviate that pain he could see yet he remained rooted as he knew any actions would be useless. He watched as she turned away and went; he had no right to say anything. That was the difference between him and her; he was alone whereas she had friends. He noted Anji going after her.

To him this was yet another confirmation.. he was destined for loneliness, She was not meant for him, no one was there for him, Malika was wrong he did not have feelings for her, he simply could not feel each time he tried they left him.
And once again he did what he usually did, quelled down the emotions where they should be that is hidden so that once again it would be the image of Dr Ashutosh or Dr Hardstone as he was known to the world. He had to hide the emotionally drained man who just had to face one reality that he preferred the easy way out run away that face whatever plan destiny had in store for him. He needed to go, go away from that place otherwise he would collapse. He just had a few words with Armaan not giving him time to say much, as he knew if Armaan questioned him more he would break down and that he could not and would not do.

As he rushed out what he saw would be forever engraved in his mind, Nidhi in Anji's arms sobbing, he could feel her pain, her sentiments yet what hurt him more was that he was the cause of it all. He had fallen in his own esteem simply because he was the root of her plight. The one person who had taught him to live again after Baba's going was now shattered because of him. Despite wishing, wanting there was nothing he could do.

She had given him his life back and yet he destroyed her proving to him once again how unworthy he was of being loved.