Chapter-5
IKTARA
O re manwa tu toh bawra hai,
Tu hi jaane tu kya sochta hai baawre,
Kyu dikhaaye sapne tu sote jaagte,
Jo barse sapne boond boond,
Naine ko moond moond,
Kaise main chaloon,
Dekh na sakoon, Anjaane raaste...
Goonja sa hai koi iktara-iktara...
Dheeme bole koi iktara-iktara,
Goonja sa hai koi iktara-iktara...
Sonakshi plopped down on the bed, knowing already, before she had read the reports; what they will say. She is expecting her second child with Dev, she is 6 weeks along, and a fully sure report said so. No mistakes this time, like the first time she was told that she was pregnant. Her breath hitched in her throat with an insuppressible happiness... Her eyes sparkled with an unmistakable happiness... She just couldn't hold on to her emotions. This got to be the happiest news she has got over the period of a longer time.
Excitement getting the better of her, she stood up with a jumpy happiness, to share her uncontained joy with the partner of her happiness... The last time it didn't get any situation that she could announce the news of her pregnancy with Dev. The very thought of her previous pregnancy and the joke of a taunting fake pregnancy made Sonakshi sit back on the bed very quietly. She was again getting out of breath. But not due to her happiness, but because the reality came dawning upon her. The shadows of the past cast clouds of uncertainty in her eyes... The spark lost somewhere... Her body began giving chills... She kept rubbing her arms to warm herself up, but the bad memories were such that it had nothing but steely coldness in them...
She still cannot decipher, how she has spent all those times all alone... The fake pregnancy time, that was nothing but a sheer torture to her mind and body. She could never believe how conveniently dev kept lying to her and his mother about her pregnancy and her medical condition. And even after the truth coming out, she alone knew how hollow she felt. There was no baby there in her womb. That wasn't just enough, she could never have a baby in her womb, was another shocker. She just could not recover out of her own wallowing pain, when his mother had thrown another full blown drama, taking hold of all of not just Dev's attention, but hers too... She had no time to think about herself, she had to keep thinking about his mother. Not to forget all the trials and errors that she was subjected to including the Shimla trip... To be honest, Dev wasn't a bad husband, he just was a too good to be true son, that his mother took a lot of advantage out of it... The poor fellow had tried so hard to make things easier for her there... He eventually succeeded too. She will never forget that ultimate night in that hilly city. One of her most memorable moments with Dev, included from that particular night. It had prepared her to face all trials and tribulations in medical science that could produce a miracle to birth Dev's child... Not coming to know that she was already expecting without any medical intervention.
She still shudder thinking, if only the foetus wasn't that small back then to be detected so early. Had they had known the fate of life, the blessing of God had already reached their threshold; life would have been way easier. Things wouldn't have had happened the way they did, the reactions and repercussions would have been different. Soha would have had born in her father's house, taken care of right from the start. She would have had a support system. But probably she wouldn't have come out this strong in that case.
Sunn rahi hoon sud-budh khoke
Koi main kahaani.
Poori kahaani hai kya kise hai pata,
Main toh kisi ki hoke ye bhi na jaani,
Rutt hai ye do pal ki ya rahegi sadaa...
Kise hai pata...
Jo barse sapne boond boond,
Naine ko moond moond,
Kaise main chaloon,
Dekh na sakoon,
Anjaane raaste...
Goonja sa hai koi iktara-iktara...
Dheeme bole koi iktara-iktara,
Goonja sa hai koi iktara-iktara...
Heavy trail of tears had already embarked their journey from her eyes to her cheeks, to her chin, getting absorbed in her kameez; as Sonakshi kept remembering her older days... She was totally broken, shattered and was in pieces when she was trying to set the capital for their company, back in Kolkata, with her health just not co-operating. The constant nausea that had hit her left such a bad taste in her mouth, that she had practically stopped eating anything. Everyone thought that it was the effects of Dev's absence that was making her so sick, until when one day she just succumbed to bed being dizzy. Under the penetrating eyes of her mother, Sonakshi was treated and diagnosed by the doctor that it wasn't just a nervous breakdown, but pregnancy was playing huge havoc to her senses. She was missing her cycles for the past two consecutive months, and she had no idea about. The separation hit her so bad that she didn't eat properly for a whole month, and the baby still did fine. But she wasn't fine. Haemoglobin dropping down, bone density low, iron, calcium all freaking out levels; and still she had no idea about.
She flailed in her brother's arms as she walked inside their house, yet she ran for her phone, she desperately dialled Dev's number to tell him that his heartfelt desire has got fulfilled. God has blessed them with a child finally, and this time she was sure... Her fingers shook with the lack of energy, but she still dialled... The call was never received, and she was too tired to try again... Her eyes drooped in fatigue the moment she laid on the bed.
Coming to the present, Sonakshi hiccupped a silent sob... Her previous years were nothing really glad to remember. Because on every path of the journey she had terribly missed Dev. When she felt sick and vomited her guts out, she wanted him to hug her and say, that she would get alright soon... When she wanted to cry her lungs out, she wanted to clutch on to his T-shirt, and muffle her wails in his chest... When every time she went for the ultrasound alone, she wanted him to hold on her hand and say that their baby looked so cute... When every single day her back, feet, legs and every other bone hurt carrying their baby inside, she wanted someone to be there to at least try to ease her out of that pain. When she went prematurely into labour, when she was crashing with excruciating waves of contractions, when all she wanted to expel the baby out; all she wanted was her husband... Everywhere she wanted Dev's presence; all she got was an extremely supportive family. She can never fulfill the debts of the love, care, and support that her parents and brother showered. But still, her family constituted of her husband, her daughter's father. And she had terribly missed him back them. All of this happened, they separated at a brink when she was about to be a mother.
And yet again she was on the same brink, carrying his child yet again, almost the same stage of pregnancy, as she was back then when they separated. Sonakshi shuddered uncontrollably... She shook her head in utter horror... What if she has to again go through the same ordeal... She can't do this all over again... She cannot bear to live without Dev anymore... This time even Soha is at stake, along with an unborn child... What if things again get worse... She can't afford to lose anyone now...
She tried her best to calm herself down that Dev is no longer the same man; he doesn't repeat the same mistakes again. He is a phenomenal father, son, and husband. Even her mother in law isn't same... Heck of it, she also has changed, all of them won't repeat their earlier mistakes; yet, if they stand to lose anything, she is not ready. She is not ready for this baby, she is not ready to lose Dev again, she is not ready to stake her house yet again... She can't handle all of this so soon...
Sonakshi got up with a decision but immediately stopped... This baby isn't just hers; she can't take decisions to keep or not to keep their child without the knowledge and consent of her husband. It is just not fair. She needs to talk to Dev pronto, tell him her decision and her reasons. That would be right.
Just then the door to their room opened, making Dev take an entry searching for her. His smile turned into a marring worry seeing Sonakshi through turmoil. He immediately rushed by her side to support. She looked up with pain filled eyes. They needed to talk.
~~THANKS FOR READING~~
Kabhi Neem Neem Kabhi Shahad Shahad
