Dev Has Appalling Listening Comprehension (Updated on Pg 2) - Page 2

Originally posted by: Samanalyse

Thank you all so much for such interesting responses! Since we are all discussing a similar set of issues, I thought I would do one big reply with my perspective on the Dixits, that addresses many of these issues. You can also consider this my ongoing analysis. 😊

A lot of you pointed out that it's not just Dev who has this listening problem, but Ishwari and Neha as well. I agree, they can be very self-absorbed and tend to wilfully see things one way, but I think there is a reason for that. Please don't roll your eyes when I say it has to do with their past because it's true, and it's no laughing matter. They weren't just poor, they were destitute, and found very little kindness in the world at this time. Starting with losing their father/husband, and their home, they faced humiliating rejection and alienation constantly for years. Even the one oasis of kindness, Mamaji was inextricably linked to GKB, who made sure to remind them they were a burden any time she could. Poverty for Ishwari, Neha and Dev, therefore, is closely linked with a feeling of deep shame.

That creates a special kind of anger and determination in a person, never again to be in a position where they are helpless or dependent on someone else. It's an attitude that proves effective as long as everyone is totally absorbed in the goal; even if you feel bad or sustain trauma, you are so caught up in making ends meet from one day to the next, that you don't have time to sit and reflect on how you are feeling. But what happens after the goal is met? You have achieved that single thing you wanted to, and you are no longer living hand to mouth, but now you have time to think about all of the things you sacrificed in achieving it... in the silence, all of the trauma, the things you never had time to think about, start coming back to haunt you. I think that is why Ishwari and Dev are both such workaholics, and why Neha is so lost and bitter (she doesn't have a distraction to throw herself into, now that all the heavy lifting is done).

The other major side-effect of this aversion to dependence is a lack of trust. The Dixits survived their hardest times and came out with integrity (as they perceive it) because they were tight-lipped and didn't allow anyone to see their vulnerability -- Ishwari even hesitated to take money from Mamaji for Rhea's operation. After being so fiercely isolated for so long, they find it very difficult to sustain normal, social behaviour, and let new people into their lives, but feel drawn/obligated to do so. It's that inability to face and resoluve their trauma on the one hand, and the determination to seem "normal"/"successful" in society on the other, that sets them up for failure in relationships. That's why they aren't able to communicate their deepest issues with their partners, though there is no lack of love. It's that deep-seated fear of trusting someone, only for them to humiliate and reject you. Once that fear is there, it doesn't just go away by piling notes in the bank.

Neha loves Ranveer, and she trusted him, and because that is such a sensitive thing for her, the moment he deviated from the planned path, she panicked. Moreover, I think the way she was treated by both sides of the family during Dev and Sona's wedding was horrible. On the one hand, she had GKB/DB saying she would embarrass her family if she didn't give an expensive set, forcing her to take the one from Ishwari, who was conspicuously silent on the matter (where was her support for Neha's courageous decision and Ranveer's self-respect when it actually mattered?). And on the other side, she had oblivious Ranveer sulking around every corner, asking her to keep accounts during her brother's wedding. The demands that came from every side without a shred of empathy is what probably did her in!

Judging by her panipuri flashback yesterday, I think what Neha wants most is to be lifted out of a purely mundane existence. Ishwari and Dev hog all the romance of their rags-to-riches story, and Neha is always left with the boring (but necessary) details. She probably loves shopping and material things because retail therapy does give you that temporary high. When she fell in love with Ranveer, though, she thought she had finally found her fair share of romance, and that is what Sona reminded her of yesterday. Unfortunately, her relationship with Ranveer did not yeild that upliftment for long; their conversations became all about money and budgets, and she spent her days doing household chores. What she wants most, are some fairytale moments, but she's too proud to ask for them or initiate them herself (as Sona did). She's embarassed at her own whimsy, and it's much easier to put the blame on Ranveer's poor financial situation and wear her cynicism like a comfort blanket and a shield.

Thanks to their past, the Dixits all have special needs from their relationships. When I say that, I don't mean they get concessions that others don't, only that they need to be handled differently. Sona, because Dev is a little more vulnerable than Neha allows herself to be and she is so perceptive herself, is starting to decode these special needs. Hopefully she will be able to open up a productive line of communication between Neha and Ranveer before it's too late, and without putting her own relationship in jeopardy.