You all have had to wait an unbearable and an unfairly long while for this part.
I am truly sorry about that.
I hope you like this part and are unusually quick in forgiving me for the unpardonable delay.
Part XIII
Riven
I have been marked. Stark borders
line my conquered skin; I am ravaged
by an internal, undocumented war.
Time maps its passage on me,
arrogantly - like the seal of ownership
of a multi-pronged cattle prod - and I
surrender
like a lover surrenders to seduction.
There are trails on my skin (leading to
endless, sincere compromise);
put your finger on one to evoke
the abandoned desires of this riven life.
In bloodless, irrevocable victory, as history
annexes my body with precise ease
I, unarmed and powerless, slowly
disintegrate -
breaking up into territories.
Parts don't always add up to a whole.
Between a homecoming and an exile is the chasm of love. And in the final analysis who is to say which is the darker side, which the brighter. Perhaps, in the end the scales are evenly balanced, and on both banks the women equally riven……
Sunday Evening
16 November
Bani was unsure of whether she was in a state of agony or ecstasy.
The last three days had been nothing short of perfection. Just her, Jai, and their baby. They had spent the days in a haze of mundane domesticity that startled her even as it answered her deepest cravings. They had had dinner with the Prasad's. Avanti and Jai had seemed to hit it off, even to the extent of conspiring together to ensure that Jai was able to spring surprises on her.
What was not allright was the fact that she and Jai were yet to sit down and talk. Every time she tried to bring it up, he thwarted her. By fair means or foul. But how much longer could they continue to avoid it, she asked herself wearily. Tonight, she promised herself.
Jai knew that his tactics were not going to work forever. Sooner or later they would have to talk about it. And he knew Bani was not going to make it easy. Infact, he was willing to bet that she was going to be impossible about it.
Bani took a deep breath and walked into the living room. KJ was asleep and settled for the night.
"Jai, we have to talk."
He took in the set, determined look on her face and sighed to himself.
"I know."
……….
"I cannot go back with you."
"and for one mistake you'll punish me for the rest of our lives?"
"It's not about punishing you."
"then why not?"
"I cannot go back with you."
"you still haven't forgiven me have you?"
"that's not true. And you know it."
Two hours later, both had to call an exhausted time-out. If Bani was sticking stubbornly to her guns, Jai's determination had not yielded an inch.
"It's because of Pia isn't it?" Jai asked finally, wearily, conceding defeat at one level because he had not wanted to be the one to bring up her name.
Bani paled, as if the name had a physical impact but she remained silent.
"that's it isn't it? You never did tell me what happened between the two of you," he pressed, going with his intuition.
Bani refused to answer.
"Damnit Bani, if you are going to condemn me to a life of loneliness, don't I deserve to know, at least?" he asked with anger.
"and you are going to deny me my son in the process," he continued.
"I never…you can come and meet Krishna anytime…"she began only to be silenced by the agony that flashed across his face, which was instantly replaced by fury.
"How kind of you," he sneered, "and this from the woman who did not even let me know that I had a child until I stumbled upon him literally."
Bani took an automatic step back, pale hands clenching.
In the grip of a towering rage, directed more at the in exorability of the circumstances they were trapped in rather than at her, he stepped closer and caught her shoulder in a punishing grip.
"tell me Bani, why did you keep Krishna away from me? I took responsibility for my action, paid for my sins by doing everything you wanted, including letting you walk away and now I have to give up my only child too?"
With a cry of pain Bani wrenched herself out of his grip, and on a strangulated sob said, "you already have a child. With her."
And then as if unable to contain the anguish within her she began crying uncontrollably. Covering her face with her hands, she sank to the floor.
As he looked at her huddled on the floor, her body wracked with the intensity of the crying, Jai's anger drained away.
Feeling every year of his age, he bent and lifted her into his arms, resisting her half hearted struggles with ease. He sat down on the couch and held her in his arms, rocking her softly as if she were a baby.
And he continued to just hold her, long after her tears had stopped.
Neither said anything.
Bani did not notice when the gentle rocking motion with which Jai had been wordlessly soothing her lulled her into sleep
As her body slackened in his hold, Jai looked down, realised that Bani had fallen asleep, and stretching his legs out, settled himself more comfortably on the couch, without letting her go. Unable to sleep, he brooded.
Far apart, Pia too sat in the darkness and brooded.
In her heart she had always known the truth. That Jai would never love her. He would never be hers, but still she had nurtured, somewhere deep, deep down a last lingering, stupid, unreasonable spark of hope.
But he had found Bani. And his son.
Her own stubborn selfishness was not going to win, as it always had. And this time the price for her stubbornness was being paid by the innocent. By Kairi. And Bani. And Krishna.
Slow tears of anguish rolled unheeded down her cheeks.
I have everything that I wanted and yet I have nothing, Bani has nothing but everything.
Bani would not return with Jai. That Pia was certain of. Bani had given her word.
But a bitter, incomplete, lonely Jai would. A Jai who would yearn to be with his child. And his wife. Not Kairi. And certainly not her, never her, Pia acknowledged.
It was time.
Bani came awake in slow degress. As she sleepily looked at Jai, wondering why they were in the living room, he spoke.
"Bani," he said huskily, "if you don't want to comeback to Mumbai fine. I won't ask you to." He hesitated before going on, "I'll move to delhi."
"but your business? And family?" Bani asked in stupefaction.
"will be fine. I'll keep visiting them. They are less important than being with you and Krishna."
"and …and…your other child?" she asked in a whisper.
"I have only one child. Krishna," Jai said in a harsh voice.
The cell phone's ring sounded unnaturally harsh, shattering the stillness of the night and the fragile truce Jai and Bani were trying to establish. Jai fumbled for the phone, trying to get it out of his pocket. Ranveer's name flashed at him, and he impatiently picked up the call, deliberately tightening his hold on a stunned Bani, preventing her from moving away.
"haan Ranveer, bolo," he bit out impatiently.
He listened in growing consternation, and hung up with a curt, "I'll call you back."
He looked into Bani's face, where confusion and determination mingled with concern.
The concern won. "Is…is everything allright?" she asked unwillingly.
"depends."
"on what?"
"you are unwilling to come back because of Pia. But what if I tell you she's gone? Will that make a difference?"
"what do you mean gone?"
"just that. She's left a letter and her daughter behind and disappeared. Raashi found both. That's what Ranveer called to tell me."
Bani just stared at him in shock. Part appalled and part relieved. Appalled because in that instant a blinding shaft of concern for Pia ripped through her heart even as a tiny voice whispered, that now she could go with Jai. Go home.
Jai continued tonelessly, "there's more. In the letter she said that she had lied. Kairi is not my child. Pushkar is the father. Apparently, I was so drunk that I passed out. She only pretended the next morning that something had happened during the night. She says I can have a DNA test done to confirm it. She leaves it up to you and me; the decision whether we tell Pushkar or not. She found that she could not live with the lies she had told anymore and so has decided to end her life. "
Bani could not stop the tears that overwhelmed her. And as Bani grieved, for her sister, for herself, for the two innocent children; somewhere deep within him Jai found himself feeling sorry. Sorry for the vivacious, sparkling girl that Pia had been. He found himself pitying, for the first time, the bitterness and loneliness she had brought upon herself.
______________________________________________________ ____________
A Year Later.
Diwali 2008.
The doorbell rang just as she had settled down to enjoy a cup of tea, having put in a long day cleaning the house and getting it ready for Diwali, which was the next day.
It was a courier. As she tore open the large manilla envelope, photographs slid out and fell on the floor. Hastily she bent to retrieve them and then devoured them with greedy, hungry eyes that teared up as she saw them. It was a while before she read the letter.
"Dear Pia,
It was quite a shock to receive a letter from a ghost. Why didn't you tell me? When you disappeared and the way you did everyone assumed that what you had written in that letter was true. That you had indeed killed yourself. I must confess to a feeling of delight that after all, you are alive and well. I am even more honoured and touched that you remembered the friendship I had offered you and so decided to get in touch with me.
Don't worry, I will honour your request for confidentiality. I give you my word that I will never let this secret out. I do understand why this is necessary.
Kairi is thriving. Who wouldn't with the kind of love Bani and Jai shower on her? They decided not to tell Pushkar. He had moved on. Finally. And they thought that it was perhaps unnecessary and perhaps unwise to reopen his old wounds. Especially since he is now settled in America and has no intentions of returning. So, Bani and Jai have decided to raise Kairi as their own child, as Krishna's sister.
As proof positive of how well Kairi is, I am enclosing the photographs, even though you had not requested them. Only asked how Kairi was. Well, you can see and judge for yourself.
Pia, what you did is perhaps unforgivable. But I think you have truly tried to make amends and in reuniting Jai and Bani, you have succeeded in coming as close to forgiveness as is possible.
As instructed in your letter, I have forwarded the envelope to a mail forwarding company. I promise you that I will not try to trace where the letter is finally delivered. You wish to remain untraceable and I wish to honour your wish. But if you will permit me then every three months I can and will send you Kairi's photographs. Let me know. In case I never hear from you again then, let me wish you well.
I hope in time that you can find the happiness you too deserve.
Your friend,
Tarun."
Pia picked up the photographs again. Such a happy family, she though, as looked at them. For the longest time she stared at the last one. Of Jai with both, Krishna and Kairi in his arms as he shared a smile full of warmth and love with Bani, who stood by his side.
She had known that Jai and Bani would keep Kairi. Had gambled on that when she had deliberately lied about the paternity of Kairi.
With a trembling hand Pia traced the outline of Kairi's face, nestled in her father's arms.
I am so sorry, baby. But it's better this way. Bani will be good mother to you. And with this lie, your father will be willing to be your father. Because he will no longer feel the need to punish you for the sin of your begetting.
Even though the true sin was your mother's.
And it was unfair for you to pay for her transgressions.
What one ugly truth, weilded by your selfish mother denied you; one lie, quietly told by your mother, in the first trully selfless act of her life, will give you the love and security of a father.
Be happy with your parents, my sweet Kairi. May the bitterness of your beginnings be obliterated by the sweetness of your present as Jai and Bani's beloved daughter.
The evening grew chilly. Pia got up and closed the windows and lit the fire in the fireplace.
Mt.Abu was cold this time of the year.
She gazed into the leaping fire but instead of the flames she saw herself. And Bani and Rano. And their parents.
How ironic, she thought to herself. I who felt the most confined in Mt.Abu; I who longed to be far away am the only one to have returned.
How shocked everyone would be if they could see me now. Content to live in a small town, doing an unglamorous job and living such a quiet life.
But how I needed to return here; to the beginning, to start again and to discover, if I could, where and how did I sow the seeds of the bitter harvest I have reaped.
FINIS
______________________________________________________ ____________
"Riven" is a poem I read on the orkut poetry community. The poet chose to remain anonymous so I do not have a name to credit her with. All I know of her is that she is Indian. And that she understands women.
Armana
Do let me know what you thought.
Edited by armana - 18 years ago
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