NOVEL~*Hiding behind a Stranger*~ Thread 5~CHAPTER 10 - Upd 10th JULY - Page 102

CHAPTER 10

...

'From Khan Sahib?' Heera's soft grip around the stem tightened a notch, her lips briefly rendered silent by the unexpected development. It was a spell of silence brought on by disbelief - but by no means was it an unpleasant spell of silence. Was this a show of cordiality, she wondered, unbeknown to her group - or was it in appreciation of her skills?

But, while she wondered about the reasons behind such a gesture - she couldn't help feeling a coincidental thrill at having received such a token from someone as reserved as him. A certain kind of thrill that caused her beats to quicken - even if only for a fleeting moment.

'This cannot be good...'

The whisper she overheard, drew Heera away from her short reverie - sending her thoughts in another direction altogether.

'Then again...' her instincts swiftly perked up 'Why WOULD someone as reserved as him, present such a token to a relative stranger?'

No, it didn't seem like the man to do something like this, despite however civil their exchanges had been when they met. And surely, not in public...

Later, that evening...

Pulling in a deep breath, she strived to slip into a fresh bout of meditation - but, gave up shortly thereafter. It was her third unsuccessful attempt that evening.

She couldn't believe it - the peace that'd been ruffled earlier, hadn't settled yet. After all, neither had she wronged anyone, nor had she been wronged by anyone. The petty tit-for-tat game was a dispute between her maids and his men. Then, why was 'she' left feeling so perturbed by it?

Where was her voice of reason that never allowed such silly affairs to get to her? Where was her positive spirit? Why couldn't she be the sportive 16 year old she always was? Why was a kind of 'ego' she couldn't recognise, beginning to rear its ugly head - disrupting her prayers in unprecedented ways?

'Stop!' she shook her head - for, even in that troubled state, her subconscious knew the answers to all those questions. She'd lost her sense of composure, because she was annoyed with HERSELF. Annoyed with her mind for having acted illogically. Annoyed with her heart for having briefly misbehaved. Even if only for a moment, this unfamiliar 'misbehaviour' had somehow sneaked in - and shrouded her judgement.

Because try as she might, she couldn't deny that for a little while, she'd earnestly welcomed a gift that she assumed, was from the man. From a complete stranger!

Yes, he'd saved her life. And yes, he helped abandoned children. But, what else did she know about him to begin having such anticipations at all? This was someone whom she'd barely met 4 days ago, and someone she'd never meet again 4 days later.

So, what in God's name had she been thinking? Why had she lost her sense of judgement and acted that way? Was it because her mind was eager for some distraction to escape the anguish it was suffering?Or, was life so lonely that she'd become desperate for some intelligent company after the demise of her jiji?

"I miss the times when you were here

Telling me to have no fear

To hold my head up high and strong

and happy notes to my sad song...

Where do I go?

When I am so lost and don't want to be found

Where do I go?

Does it take that very long

For me to find that peace and a place where I belong

I need you to help me, help me to take a stand

I'm scared to do it myself, will you please take my hand ?

Where do I go? Where do I go? Do you know?..."

'Bhavani ma... please help this foolish 16 year old!' she chided herself, heaving in mild exasperation 'It's time to stop this! There are lives at stake here... I can't be losing my peace over such insignificant issues...' saying so, she opened the eyes that'd been pointlessly shut in an effort to draw her into trance. She stared at the urn in front 'Besides, it's only been 11 days since... since...'

Her words gradually floundered 'Tomorrow is the 12th day...' the stern inner voice that'd been reasoning with her whims for so long began crumbling into disarray. The first signs of a faint tremble seized her lips. Her vision became poorer with new layers of moisture blurring it. Then, in a sudden fit of impulse, she lurched forth and grabbed the urn from its holy platform, nearly losing her balance as she did so. Tomorrow would be the 12th day - the day she would submerge those ashes in the river. The day she would say her final goodbyes. How was she supposed to prepare her mind for something as gravely permanent as that?

She wept, clutching the urn tightly, along with its precious contents - remains of what was once a graceful young woman in her prime - a woman who had always been her guide and guardian, mother and friend. Probably, disheartenment and loneliness had gotten the better of her. Definitely exhaustion too. Whatever the reason, she wept like she had on that fateful day - cradling the urn like she had cradled her sister's lifeless face near her chest 'What am I going to do without you, jiji? If such a pointless issue can push me into turmoil, how am I going to take care of the bigger things in life?'

As she sobbed relentlessly, her warm breath brushed against the cold curves of the lifeless urn. Her balmy tears flooded its barren designs - as though those desperate final struggles would bring to life that dead urn 'I miss you immensely...'

"Hiding the hurt, hiding the pain

Hiding the tears that fall like rain..

Saying I'm fine, when anything but

The ache in my soul rips at my gut...

My skin is on fire, I burn from within

The calm on my face is an ongoing sin.."

Heera wasn't aware for how long she'd been lamenting that way. She wasn't aware how late it was - but it was the reassuring tones in a voice calling out to her, which managed to gently awaken her comatose spirits

'Bitiya...'

'Yes Maharaj kakasa...' Since the heiress could not let him see her in so distraught a state, she hurriedly wiped her tears dry and drew the veil over her swollen face, before turning around to glimpse at the silhouette of her visitor. From the brisk manner in which his chubby outline had stationed itself at the entrance, she was grateful the cook hadn't brought her bad tidings.

'Maharaj kakasa' she softly responded to his bow 'What is it?'

'Baisa... we have managed to find a priest locally... he is prepared to perform the final rites... tomorrow... here, at Aidabad!'

'Oh! That's good...'

After a while, Heera slowly placed the urn back on its platform.

So, it WAS time to let go. A major part of her was still overcome with crushing grief, but there was a small part of her that was beginning to find a soothing relief in the news he'd just brought. For the past 11 days, she hadn't been able to perform her sister's rites thoroughly - and it was something that'd been nagging her conscience a lot. Because, the least she could do to repay a sister who'd gifted her everything in life, was grant her soul a proper farewell.

Now that the 12th day rites would be conducted as per Rajput customs, she felt a kind of peace she hadn't felt in days. A kind of peace that managed to blanket over the worries and tears that'd been hounding her - the same sort of peace she was certain her jiji's soul would feel too!

Main haveli...At the Terrace...

'Harka sahiba... quite the healer...' the words lingered on, although this topic was one of the reasons he'd abandoned the group. His gazes fell upon the grounds adjoining the guest quarters. And thereupon, on the neatest corner of the garden.

Despite the fact that he might have abruptly rode off from her presence that morning. Despite the fact he might not have admitted it yet - even to himself - there was little doubt that the patch of garden she'd tended to with such precision and care, was going to grow to become the most beautiful aspect of the entire haveli. Even in the sparse light of night, those saplings and flowerbeds appeared so tender and promising - as if hinting to anyone who gazed upon them, of the nature of the Sahiba who'd planted them.

He took another sip of the delicious sherbet, his mind simultaneously taking another step into this unknown chasm he'd stumbled upon. As if the repeated recollections of her words and skills weren't enough, the thoughts were beginning to ruffle other memories too. Memories so evasive that they'd somehow found their way through all his walls and masks he'd kept intact for so long. Subtle memories, which had stubbornly lodged in a far corner of his mind - that try as he might, he couldn't oust them.

"I look at the ring on my finger

A gem deeper brown like your eyes that linger

In my thought , each day and night

Whatever I do ..however much I try to forget.."

His thumb unwittingly rubbed the bare spot on his ring finger. It'd been a few days since he'd stopped wearing the brown topaz. But its absence somehow reminded him of the cherished ring even more. Like how the very pair of eyes he was meant to forget, never actually got forgotten.

'Well, most days, are good... and I can use my sight to get by... on those days that are bad, I use my senses to get by...'

He recalled how those elegant earthy eyes had twinkled with such self-assurance when she'd described her abilities, a night ago. And yet, how the same 'self-assured twinkle' that set them apart, had gone missing too. Just once. When she'd gone on to reveal a sinister secret

'There have been threats to my life...'

His jaw seemed to tighten for an instant, as it had on the previous night - a fleeting reaction to the morbid reality. But, why such a response? Wasn't she supposed to be only a stranger to him? Someone he'd met barely 4 days ago, and someone he'd never meet 4 days later. Then, why the anger?

Was it because his subconscious knew her spirit was unique, too unique to allow it to be extinguished? Was it because he knew she was a noble soul - a soul so noble that it would make any man want to protect its essence from dying out, though she'd never ask for such protection herself?

He felt a strange but certain twitch in his chest - and ironically, it was that unfamiliar twitch that brought him face to face with the facts.

"The world must stay out, I've built up a wall,

My fragile lie will collapse should it ever fall..

Loneliness consumes me, it eats away the years

Until my life is swallowed by unending fears

Waiting for someone to see I wear a mask

And care enough to remove it, is it too much to ask?

Abruptly dragged out of the forbidden chasm he had entered, his fingers coiled around the neck of the cup 'Cursed fires of hell!' he swore under his breath in escalating anger. Six nights in a row - and the phenomenon was only getting worse. Why was he being affected by such thoughts and sensations? That too now, at such an inopportune moment.

Even as a man in his prime, he'd always managed to walk away from women as one would walk away from a dull statue - with apathy and disinterest. If so, why was that self-restraint not serving him well at present? Why was his mind not as steady lately? Didn't it realise that the life he'd chosen was too ominous and the paths he took too dark, to afford him the luxury of such mistakes?

This lapse was unacceptable, even if only temporary.

"How could I be so lost

In a place I know so well?

How could I be so broken

In a family so together?

How could I be so lonely

Though surrounded by so many?

How could I be unhappy

Surrounded by so much beauty?

How could I be me

When even I remain a mystery?..."

Still reeling from the crude awakening, Akbar glimpsed into his chalice, a sense of distaste overcoming the flavours he had been enjoying until now. 'Have they mixed something in this?'

Curtly dumping the sherbet into a potted plant nearby, he slammed the chalice upon a table on his way back to relieve some of the self-rage that'd built within.

'I am done for tonight...' the man gave his friends an abrupt explanation and stormed out of the chamber rightaway.

It was as though the person who'd been sipping a drink and savouring the night's delights until a while ago, was someone else altogether.

Lashy.

Dear Lashy,

All the short poems interspersed above are from internet. I have made some minor changes in one or two of them.

Saraswathi periamma.