Dear Jodha,
I hope you don't flinch with my addressing but I can't address any other way than dear. I never thought even in my dreams that a might come where I need to write to express myself to you. The one who understood all my pain, happiness and anger even before me sensing it, how did you fail now and gave me imposition to write. Jodha you know very well that I am bad with words and my words never justify my actions as my sword does. I am a lay man who started his life in war field ever since I was 13 and even at 23, I am no different. Ask me questions about aligning the troops, attacking the enemy from all angles without giving even a small hint to the enemy, or negotiate terms with your enemy or making strategies to win oven Hindustan, I can talk endless throughout nights and days nonstop without allowing you to even wink in between. But when it comes to hearts I am helpless as I have just discovered my heart and don't know how it works except for that I have realized that it feels as light as feather when you are near, and weighs like lead while you are away. It beats erratic when you approach and goes lazy while you are far. It sings like the cuckoo in the mango grove during spring while are with me and dance like a peacock who enjoys the dark clouds when it realizes you are coming towards me.
Jodha ever since you have come to my life, my life has gone erratic and I can't think what I do next. My sense organs have failed me and even my involuntary organs have turned out be voluntary organs and the moment I hear your voice, my legs take me towards the source of that voice and even before my mind makes a decision, I will be stationed in front of you like a silly boy. This is disrupting my schedules, my meetings as I forget where I am the moment my organs senses your presence, I will vacate that place even before completing my talks (be it the Deewan-E -Khas or Deewan-E-Amm), even if they are of grave importance and can tax my sultanate. Just to steal your one look and that crooked smile, I will wait on you at all the possible places, be it the Tulsi pot or at your mandir or AngoorBagh. Jodha you have filled in my complete sense and without your presence, I am a senseless man. What do you expect a senseless man to say or do other than idiotic talks? Jodha, my beloved, I can't even imagine staying away from you for a complete day and you have realized that with many of my unexpected visits to you during unexpected hours. For such a man, if he has to think he lost you forever to someone else means, losing his life. And what a lifeless man can speak other than nonsense. Jodha I thought there was no need for me to tell you that you are my life but were you also expecting the same to be voiced? Of all the people you are wise and learned one, who recognized &taught me about my love for my people, love for my mother and sister, why did you not recognized my love for you? How could you fail to notice that while I was wearing that on my sleeve and running around like love sick puppy?
I was so much in love with you that I was feeling jealous of the females (be it my mother or Salima Begum) or even Rahim to have easy access to you than me and used to end up there without my knowledge and disrupted your company. That was the situation I was in when I saw you with a male, rather than pumping more blood with anger, my heart went cold and stopped blood circulation altogether for the shock that I am out of the league. I was suffocating ever since I saw you there at temple and only my love for you stopped me from collapsing and I gathered myself and came back and true to yourself, you told me you went to temple but nothing more than that. You were the one who used to relate everything including the story you narrate to Rahim went secretive about your visits and I felt somewhere, I am not too close and you distanced me. Otherwise, it is said husband and wife as one soul & 2 bodies,if that be the case, why you had to hide that from me Jodha. My heart had a small puncture and started bleeding since then. Later on every night I meticulously watched you going restless and the workaholic in you was replaced by sensitive& fragile. I could not see your unhappiness and I could not do anything to cheer you up. That was eating me like a worm that I am a useless husband and despite being a Shehensha, I could not ease the pain from my wife's mind and the creases from her face. It went down the groin to accept my failure, The Shehensha of Hindustan says he rules the Hindustan and here he can't even realize what is eating his wife's happiness. I wanted to help you with your problem but you never felt that you can trust me to share your worries. You excluded me from your own circle and didn't consider me as yours to share your grief. That helplessness of not being your help was building up in me like an hydrogen bomb and that was the one which blasted the moment it saw an outlet in the form of a male in your room who dared to touch you. In that one moment I had died millions of death for not being able to get that close to you and felt I am worthless as a male otherwise, why you would have chosen someone else & kept me at bay. At that moment I was not the Shehenshah of Hindustan, but felt like a looser man, who could not win over his wife's love. So, all that boiled up anger just got channelized against you even before I could realize and control. But I assure you Jodha whatever I said were not aimed at you but for that looser husband in me who could not control his emotions and now having miserable death. To save me from the shame of failure, to cover up my hurt, I vented all my bolt up emotions, thinking by emptying my heart, I can seize it back and bury it deep down but did I had the control over that, when you had taken the reins of my life (which consists of my heart, soul, mind and physic) Jodha hope you can understand my condition; I am irrevocably in LOVE with you and having slow death day in and day out.
Jodha my love, I am unable to bear your absence and my heart is sinking & shrinking with every passing second. I am not worried for me to die but with me you will also die as I can't remove you from my heart and I can't bear the mere thought you being dead. I have gone through the hell in the recent past when you were on death bed and can't put you on the same threshold once again. The moments my hearts stops beating you will have to forcibly die and I can't bear that. I know I am safe in your heart where you will protect me from all the rough weather. I can't guarantee you the same as I have no hopes in life without you being with me in blood & flesh. I can't live with your virtual presence as it haunts me to commit some grave mistakes.
You saw my love for my sister and advocated her case with me to forgive her for my sake. You advocated the case of Tasneem. You advocated how we need to approach the people to win Ruqayya's case. So now I am asking you to advocate on my behalf and get me the FORGIVENESS from my dearest wife Jodha Jalaluddin Mohammad Begum and make her realize I have no life without her as I can't live without her. I know my wife is soft at heart and may will not curse me to die as she can't even think of killing a poisonous snake, how will she be the cause for my death but currently she is too greaved to think straight and that is why I want your help to convince her. Jodha if you are truly impartial, then win my case and bring back my wife to me. Jodha this is a life and death question for me and my wife and we can't have a life baring the other. It is either JodhaJalal or Nothing. There can't be Jodha & Jalal as two individual as I can't see us as individual anymore but one. I earnestly want you to advocate and WIN this for me. The moment you win this, I promised to give myself to you and I will be yours for the life and you can do whatever you want with me. But just win my case and oblige.
Please hasten the process as I am almost drained out of my blood and the last few drops can go dry any moment.
Below quote is quoted by Abhay (Courtesy Abhay)
"Oh Beloved,take me.
Liberate my soul.
Fill me with your love and release me from the two worlds.
If I set my heart on anything but you let fire burn me from inside.
Oh Beloved, take away what I want.
Take away what I do.
Take away what I need.
Take away everything that takes me from you."
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