Posted:
Dropping the quill back into the inkpot, she rolled up the scroll - a dreamy haze still adorning her hazel eyes.
'Please send this over as instructed' she said, a serene aura finally gracing her features - and why not! Her mind and heart were finally free of all guilt, all woes, all anguish and all misery that had relentlessly plagued her mind the past fifteen days - hollow days - days that were filled with nothing but loneliness!
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My dear Shehenshah,
I have penned this outpour of emotions for you since this otherwise daring Rajvanshi Begum does not have it in her to meet eyes with you and say so eloquently what I've stated here. It is after umpteen personal battles and ceaseless turmoils that I have bared my soul here. I only beseech you to have it read through a trusted scribe so that this message - that is so precious to me - does not lose the significance behind its purport or gets misinterpreted, like one of my previous letters to you was.
In every household, the youngest is known to be spoiled to a fault. However, in the Ameri palace, it was this older of three princesses that knew the greatest of all luxuries and the zenith of boundless adoration. At Agra, once the initial stages of hostility between us had been crossed; I realize, it was thus that I was spoiled in your presence too! If not, I alone would not have had the numerous fortunate instances of experiencing such exciting conversations with you in spite of many other women in the harem vying for the same opportunity. This Hindu princess from Amer would not have known of all her whims and fancies gaining fruition in an unknown and strange world that did not share her views. I would not have been the sole recipient of such undying attention and regard had it not been for you indulging me so.
At Amer, I loved all of my family - but, it was Maasa that I was closest to. She was my friend and my foe. She was my companion and my adversary. She was my everything. It was she that I had most of my grievances against. At times that she had refused to blindly trust me, she witnessed my greatest outburst of emotions. If our perspectives differed, it was against her that I have stood unbending and stubborn - too haughty to swallow my pride or accept my faults. Yet, it was her that I loved the most too. With Maasa, I expected most and gave back least. I never knew the necessity to express gratitude for the relentless care she bestowed upon me, nor apologize for any follies I might have committed. It was with Maasa that I found most comfort in being 'me'.
Similarly, at Agra there are many I love - but,it is with you Shehenshah that I have continued to enjoy the rights of being that spoiled princess of Amer.
No doubt early on; the reason I have rarely thanked you for your gestures or showed remorse for my faults was because I was wary of the intent behind your actions - even when you were ready to step down from the throne for a promise you gave me. Nevertheless, I understand not when those suspicions of mine morphed into trust, trust into comfort and comfort into something else! Even though there never was a false note in my prayers for your well-being, I took your gestures for granted because it was with you Shehenshah that I found myself most at home. It was with you that I found greatest comfort in being 'me'.
After the demise of Benazir, I was confident that we had put everything behind us and that it was meant to be a fresh start for us. I was confident that your faith in me was firm after all that we'd been through. It was when that confidence had been shattered by your mistrust in me that I shut myself into a shell - refusing to acknowledge that my silence had contributed to this misunderstanding just as much as your wrong presumptions had. I ignored the fact that it was your possessiveness for me that sent you spiralling into a volley of such fury and spite. That period in my life was a time of stupor - of forgoing sensibilities - of committing blunders. That period in my life was a time of turmoil, of confusion and of insecurity. I was out to blame you for mistrust, while rejecting the fact that I had done nothing but the same.
So blinded was I by the fog of false ego, that in spite of my conscience telling me I played equal part in this crisis, I listened not to the voices in my head. So immersed in the act of playing victim was I, that I didn't perceive how I was victimizing you - not even when I saw how haggard and wounded you were when lying on my bed, seeking nothing but rest. So consumed by hurt and anger was I, that childish competitiveness overcame my sense of humanity and for this, I have none else to blame but myself.
Ammijaan used to tell me how much I've changed you for the better - how far I've opened your eyes to newer horizons and brought out the 'man' in this 'Emperor'
However, I must say for the first time in my life - pardon, my insolence - that Ammijaan has overlooked an important fact. It was not only I that brought about such changes in her son, but her son that has brought about similar changes in this young queen too! The large heart that the Shehenshah of the Sultanat possesses, that is capable of forgiving others for their faults and seeking apologies for his own, has taught me many-a-lesson in humility.
When I lived at Amer, I never paid special heed to my Maasa's concern for me as I considered it a part of our relationship - something she owed me, as a mother. However; after I left my home for Agra, there was not a day that went by that I missed that selfless care and wished to be with her again. Similarly; when you came after me now - I paid no attention to the love in your eyes. I had left Agra in the hope that you'd come seek me and yet, when you were here I refused to give your words any special thought because I didn't want to be hurt again. However, now that you've left and proceeded North to tend to your affairs, I do admit Shehenshah - that I miss all that depiction of love and concern. I miss our childlish fights and your interesting company.
Yes Shehenshah, this Rajvanshi begum of yours - misses you!
The fragrance of your ittar still lingers in my chamber and I can still recall the warmth in your grasp as you clutched my wrist and made your final confessions. The pain in your eyes and your saddened smiles of resignation as you parted do not stop haunting my days and nights. Why, I swallow my pride and disclose even this Shehenshah - I haven't even had the heart to remove the creases you'd left behind on your side of the bed - a reminder of your stay here. Many a day I've spent alone. Many a night I've squandered in solitude. Now, no more.
This Rajvanshi Begum confesses that she wants to be reunited with her Shehenshah because she longs for his friendship, his companionship and maybe even something more...
In the hope that you have understood this proud young queen of yours, like you always have; I will wait for your arrival at Amer - to take me back to Agra...to start life anew... afresh...
Yours and yours alone,
Jodha
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Rolling up the scroll, a sly smile escaped his lips. He felt like the biggest weight had just been lifted off his shoulders in a flash. Still reeling from the joy that had just engulfed him - Jalal tried coming to terms with an overwhelming and nearly unbelievable reality - a reality filled with optimism after a long long time.
Had such happiness finally found its way into his life after what seemed like prolonged spells of despair? Could he dare to begin delving upon the enticing prospects that his future held for him once again - a future with her? He had just rediscovered the love of his life?
'We will be making a detour to Amer...' he shouted out to his cavalry thereafter, before turning to the commander beside him 'I need only one regiment of soldiers...the rest of you can proceed to Agra...and take a message for Ammijaan...tell her, I am returning with her daughter this time...'
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