Jodha's Diary - Part 6 updated - Page 12

Entry 32:

I am back in Agra. So much has happened in the last few days. I saw a different side to him in this trip. He cared for his subjects. And how can such a cruel person be spiritual. I saw him lost in his prayer. There was a different kind of light in his face, a kind of peace we can hardly expect from a blackguard. I was left to wonder, who is real? The person I am seeing today or the person I saw all these days? Or both are part of him? He was almost nice to me in this trip. But can I really trust him? Is it another trick to manipulate me? I was so much in confusion. When he said he wanted to hunt, I grabbed that opportunity to fight with him on his cruelty to animals. I do not know whom I was trying to convince; myself or him? It was as though I was ready to take any means to put him the bracket I had imagined. Any deviation from that, I started getting confused and restless.

To prove that I am right and he is wrong, I even gambled with his life. I took out the bullet from his rifle, just to prove my point. He risked his life to fight a tiger, because of me. Why did I do it? Why was I so desperate to make him the bad guy always.

I risked my husband's life, just to prove a point. What does that says about me? I will never be rid of this shame, this guilt. Why was I so foolish?

Antara, I was so scared that day when he fell. I never felt such fear in my life, not even when he wanted to burn me alive. I never want to go through that again. And all this because of my own foolishness? I will never forgive myself. Why was I scared of losing him? Is it just because he is my husband and he is my duty? Antara, why aren't you answering me?

That was the longest night of my life. I was waiting for him to open his eyes, hoping that my medicine worked on him. I wanted to see his eyes alive just once, I was ready for any punishment after that. I deserved any and all the punishment I would get. Ruquia Begum's slap was nothing compared to the pain I was going through. When ammijaan wanted me to leave to save myself, I could not do it. I did not want to leave his side. I do not even remember the reason I gave her. All I knew was, I wanted to be here, near him. Just to see his eyes.

I could understand what he was saying with his eyes. Why does he affect me so much? When I thought I had understood him, he changed the game.

Entry 33:

I cannot believe it. He arranged my sister's wedding. I do not know what to make of it. I was so sure that he will punish me, get me killed for risking his life. But, instead he arranged for my sister's wedding He will even attend the wedding celebrations with me. I do not understand this man.

Entry 34:

I cannot believe Ammijaan is matchmaking. She sent me with him on a boat ride. I almost fell on him while entering the boat. It was so embarrassing. And why did I get so affected by his nearness? And I fought with him again. What is this man about, which makes to want to fight with him, go against him? Why do I let him affect me so much? And why is he taking my anger with him so calmly? Every time I fight with him, I get scared after that he will punish me. But he does not. And the way he took care of me when arrows were raining on him, I can not forget. He is such a mystery. But, Antara, do I want to solve this mystery?

And what about that attack? Will he be safe in Amer? I am scared.

Entry 35:

I am so happy to meet everyone. It was as if I never left.

Entry 36:

I got to know that he met Rana Pratap. I am scared for his life. Already there was an attack. And Rana Pratap is a great warrior. I do not want him to fight anyone. He already has such a temper and he never realizes what he does and says when he is angry. What if he starts fighting Pratap and gets injured? How can I see that? How do I avoid this?

So, I went and talked to him. I told him of my fears. He asked to my face if I was saying all this because I was scared for him. But, how can I let him know the truth? How I can trust that he will not use this against me? I lied that this was for my family and my father. I felt that he was hurt, but I do not know for sure.

And in return for not fighting, he made me touch him, apply medicine on his back. He teased me of attacking him and then called me tigress. What to make out of this man!!!