With or Without You (Revisited) Chapter 1 Pg8 - Page 5

I don't love you anymore...

Few words were all the explanation she had offered as a consolation after deserting him in the middle. He remembered every word of hers leading up to her betrayal, shattering every delusions he had about them. At that time he had wanted nothing better to snap her neck off, but today looking back he knew she had cleared his sight by revealing the truth about love. Or any kind of emotion, they were all a shallow manifestation of false claims hiding cruel realities.

Closing the file in front of him, he tore away his gaze abruptly leaving the chair to place himself near the large window. Chaos was all he saw as he began to wonder about the lives of strangers crossing the road, seated on patios, and busy on their phones. He wondered about the calamities occurring in their lives. Did they face troubles as well? Why wasn't their anxiety present on their faces? What was the trick to appearing calm when inside a storm could be arising? The facade of presenting a well-maintained life was lost to him. Having ensured the media got their share of the notorious, Arnav Singh Raizada, he silently knew a kindling still waited to be scorched upon.

When the door flew open behind him, Arnav remained in his stagnant position.

"It would have been polite of you to knock.'' He said.

The man grinned, tall and broad, his features were sharp except for the eyes. They shone with warmth inviting one to share all their best-kept secrets.

The man waved his hand dismissively wearing a sly grin as he casually made himself comfortable on the settee. "I could have knocked, but I did not want to deprive myself of the reminiscent image you present at the moment...lost in the moment. Truth be told, I expected to find you in more compromising position. Since that secretary of yours...'', trailing off, he whistled. "Arnav, sometimes you should really indulge in the more finer pleasures of life.''

Turning around, Arnav adjusted his hip against the rim as he crisscrossed his feet together. "Somehow I don't think you are here to discuss my taste for pleasures...''

"I'm not!''

"Why are you here, Aman?''

"To see if you are still alive? Because my wife seems to think you have dug a hole for yourself and fell in it.''

Because Arnav knew Kinjal well enough, he could imagine her ranting about his disappearance. "I'm well, see?'' Doing a mock spin, he continued, "I suppose sometimes I get too busy with work. I'll come see Kinjal myself.'' He said nonchalantly, drawing circles with his black cap toed shoes.

"Busy with work? Don't humor me.'' Aman leaned back, keenly watching his friend for the expressions he was aware would flash across his face in the next seconds. Correctly guessed, he found himself greeted with a more stiff, and unrelenting demeanor than the one he had walked in on.

Raising his brow in a manner that signified he had not expected to be questioned this topic, Arnav shrugged.

"She is gone, Arnav.''

"I'd rather not hear all of this now, Aman. I don't have time to discuss the past at the moment.''

"Yet, you take solidarity from a place that gave you nothing but agony. Strange, isn't it?''

"I visit the cottage because once in a while I like to get away and be on my own. There isn't something wrong in wanting to be alone for a few days.'' Arnav lied. The cottage was a marker for many things in his life, loss, gains, achievements--the one place where he could stand to be himself. "I have moved on, Aman. Now, if you are done interrogating I have a busy day lined up.''

Accepting a defeat when he saw one, Aman raised his hands in surrender. "Fine, if you are moving on, I will move on also.'' He knew probing would get him no further than where he was before. There was a tenacious streak to Arnav, to the dismay of many the man reveled in it. "I have a favor to ask you. You remember Khushi, right?'' He began reverting to his real reason for the impromptu visit.

Arnav remembered her far too well for his own good. "She owns the cafe?''

"She did own it but it is up for lease now. Since a year the bills haven't been doing so well for her, she decided to sell the place considering the market value for the estate has been up for a while. I do support her decisions...it's just she is too stubborn at times, I feel helpless.''

Khushi Gupta, sister to Aman Gupta. His best friend's sister. He was curious to know what kind of trouble she had landed herself in this time. Always prim and proper, never a single strand of hair out-of-place. Those sober eyes were always alight with a secretive knowledge that was only known to her. Once he revered her. Once he thought he understood her far more than anyone. The last he heard of her was from Aman, her marriage had failed. She was also a single mother struggling to balance her life on her own two feet. Life had not been kind to her, there was pity for the girl he remembered always head-strong in her will to overcome any obstacle.

Thinking far too much about her, Arnav shook his head, "how can I help?''

"She says she does not need my help. The past few months have been tough for her. She did not say anything to me or Kinjal, but I am her brother...I practically raised her by myself. I simply cannot sit back while she suffers. It's what I should do according to her...''.Sprinting off the settee, Aman paced back and forth. "I suppose she wants to prove she can be independent. It is something she struggles with ever since her divorce. I told her I would find her work, but she immediately told me it would be nepotism?'' The soft chuckle stopped him in the middle, "I should have known you would find that amusing.''

"Well, she is right.'' Arnav admitted with a shrug. "You want me to hire her?'' Getting to the crux of the conversation, he nearly laughed at the thought of her working alongside him. "Do you honestly think she would accept a place here? She knows about us, it is an easy bluff even he daughter could spot.''

"Tell me, would you hire her upon my request?'' Aman demanded, aware Arnav refused to mix personal and professional lives. There was no leniency when it came to his work.

Lifting his shoulders, Arnav took a seat. "You want me to interview your sister?''

"I want you to treat her like the rest of your employees. Interview her to see if she fits in this company.'' Aman explained. "I won't be buying her any favors this way, nor would you have to compromise on your rules.''

Arnav thought about it, eventually relented since he saw no reason to oppose. "There is an opening in human resources. Send me her resume.'' Looking at his friend, he set his lips in a straight line. "I make no promises, Aman.''

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At the young age two and a half, Sarah Khushi Gupta was quite ahead of most children in her age group. For example; she already knew the alphabet by heart, and could count from one to hundred without using her fingers. She could also recite Old MacDonald had a Farm with exception of a few changes and a little help from her mother. Through the nursery rhyme she learned about various animals, quickly coming to the realizations ducks were her favorite, inadvertently it led to a quacking phase which lasted for one month. But the list did not stop here, Sarah was also acquainted with a few tricks often working in her favor---crying never helped like puppy-dog eyes did, she could wear her tutu to bed if she didn't sneak her hand into the cookie jar before dinner, and her favorite was being allowed to sleep in her mother's bed if the monsters decided to have a sleepover under her bed. Mostly it was precaution, but it helped to have a back-up.

She was midst a pirouette when the door bell caused a hitch in her routine. It was hard to leave her ballet video, but she rushed over to the door meeting her mother just she clutched the handle. As the door opened, so did her mouth, "Aman mamoo!'' Immediately leaping into his arms, she sloppily hugged him.

"How is my princess?'' Aman tenderly touched her hair, smothering her with kisses. "How are my favorite girls?'' Stepping inside, he leaned in to embrace Khushi but she leapt away. As if scorched, he saw the fear in her eyes and it made him feel weak.

Softly patting Khushi's head, he smiled.

"What took you so long?'' Khushi asked averting her gaze apologetically, as she trailed behind uncle and niece on their way to the living room. "I am sure you already saw the missed calls Sarah left for you. She was afraid you had forgotten the way to her house.''

He stared into the vividly brown whirlpools, sparking as if casting off star-dust. Those eyes always got to him, reminded him so much of his mother. There was an undeniable amount of mischief in them with a glow of innumerable amount of depth. "You thought I was lost?''

"Yes, I didn't want you to get lost. I was really worried.'' She expressed her concern, all the while tangling her arms with his. "Why didn't you bring Kinjal mami?'' She suddenly remembered to ask.

"Kinjal mami was feeling a little tired today so I told her to rest. I thought I would come by and see how you both are holding up without me.'' He answered, snuggling up with his favorite niece.

"Today mama and I went shopping.'' Jumping off Aman's lap, Sarah twirled and showed off her new dress. She was wearing a pink tutu over her red dungarees. Ever since Khushi allowed her the privilege of choosing her own clothes, she had become the master of her own closet. "Do you know where else we went today?''

Intrigued, Aman waited for her to answer her own question.

"Mama took me for ballet class. I even got to meet Miss Mia.'' She poked out her chin, standing on her tip toes, "I am going to be a ballerina!'' Sarah announced with a pure glee.

"Do I get to come see you dance?''

"Do you want to?'' But Stopping, she looked at her mother as if waiting for her approval as her sleek black hair curtained her round face. "Can Aman mamo come?''

Khushi smiled with a nodded. "Of course, he can! We will all be there for your first recital.''

Sarah ran up to her mother and groped her legs. "Oh, I love you mama!''

"I love you too! Now go wash your hands, I need help with dinner.''

Khushi watched her daughter hurry up the staircase and eventually go into her room. It was sight she saw every single day, still each time she disappeared from view her heart sped waiting for the moment she would return."I still remember when she was learning to crawl, now she is running up the stairs all on her own.''

He saw her attempt a smile wobble and understood her sadness. While Sarah was his niece, he felt for her as a father would. He laughed when she did, and cried with her too. She was a beautiful little girl, and very easy to please. Which made him extremely protective of her, and like Khushi, he was also a little dazed to see her all grown up.

Blinking away the misty eyes, Khushi strode over to the kitchen. "I spoke to the lawyer today. There is a buyer for the cafe.''

"And?''

"I think I should accept this offer. It's the best we have gotten so far. I am sure with the money from the cafe I can hold my own until I get a job.'' She reasoned.

"You already have a job. Our father's company is yours as well. I am your brother, if I want to help you...what is so wrong in that?''

For a long moment they locked gazes; his filled with questions and hers with a resolve.

"Nothing! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to help. Except when you have to help me over every stumble, I feel like a burden. What company are you speaking about? You handed me over my share years ago. I don't have any right to enter that place after what I did. Don't make me rehash the past, Aman. I just don't want you to have to rescue me at every point.''

"What if I want to? You deserve better.''

"Let me grow. It is very important for me to feel capable of being on my own.''

His fists clenched in anger hearing the turmoil in her voice. What he would trade to forever eradicate Neel from her mind. To erase every pain he had given to her. To take away every memory he had etched into her wounded heart.

"If I really deserved better I wouldn't have fallen for a man like Neel.'' She heard her own anguish and felt disgusted. "Aman, I love you. Don't make me hurt you. I am not saying you shouldn't look out for me, by all means you are welcome to hover...just let me get up by myself. For years I found it simpler to bend than to stand straight. It easier than fighting back. Except I enabled him with my silence. I cannot be quiet anymore, which is why I am asking you to let me see if I can survive without him.''

The dark skies thundered outside with unrelenting rain. Surprisingly, mirroring her turmoil perfectly. She was twenty-seven; a single mother and soon to be penniless. Never had she imagined the life she was living now. It was better though, even when it bore little resemblance to what she had once dreamed of.

Aman recognized the battle she carried within her because for the past three years she had done nothing but fight with herself. He stopped arguing even though he wanted nothing more than to take her and Sarah back home with him. She would not return, and he could not force her. Since she was adamant, he was her brother as well. "Fine, it seems you have made your mind. Can I at least send your resume to some of the companies in my list?''

Khushi thought about it and eventually nodded. "I suppose that would be okay.''

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Session #8 - Dr. Tanya

"Ever since I understood the feeling of love, it was synonymous to Neel.'' Her voice was low, and remorseful. "He so was charming, begrudgingly brilliant. If one was not in his company, they often felt as if they lacked. He was far superior and extremely confident in his own space. People envied his presence and when he allotted me a spot next to him, I felt I would be a fool to decline.''

Dr. Tanya looked up and tapped her pen against her notepad. It was the first time in months Khushi talked about Neel out of her own will. At most she would have to pry answers most of them ending with a singular worded answer. Her reservation to discuss the marriage was a sign of her inability to recognize the damage it had caused her mentally. She would discuss her current life, her daughter, her family, everything except Neel.

As a doctor she probed, pricked, poked, it heeded far less results than simply allowing her to understand she was depriving herself the chance to heal by safeguarding her vulnerabilities.

The barrier was at last broken today.

"How did he make you feel Khushi?''

"First, I felt special. I was in a trance...with only him and me. I came alive in his presence while hopelessly waiting for him to fall in love with me. It was such a gentle slide into love not painful at all. I was floating. I never wanted my feet to touch the ground. One day the trance broke...''

Tanya noticed the flickers of uncertainty in her eyes. The sudden guilt, terror, as she began to strip away the layers suffocating her. To overcome the label of being a victim was not an easy task, nor was it ever simple to admit ones vulnerabilities.

"Tell me about Neel. Was he working when you met him?''

"He was working at as accountant before we got engaged.''

"And, afterwards?''

"He told me he was going to open up his own business. I supported him because as a wife it was my duty to believe in him. He would often bring up my brother and our father's company...I would dismiss the thought. I never paid attention because to ask my brother for my share was not just preposterous but insulting as well. I had everything I wanted or needed due to my brother. He was both, my mum and dad after they died.'' Khushi closed her eyes momentarily against the engulfing numbness.

How wretched was it to live a life which resulted in nothing but a reminder of being a worthless human being. To know her life had accounted for nothing when she did everything to please him. The past two years had done nothing to lighten the weight she carried with, the physical scars might have healed with time but the emotional ones were still daunting to overcome.

"Did you ever discuss what you would share coming into the marriage? In a relationship such as marriage, sharing between husband and wife is considered imperceptible. He might have asked for the money because he probably felt he had a right on it.''

"He stopped, then he started again. However this time around he was more persistent. He would continually ask me to speak to my brother and I would just put it off until a later date. Until, one day...''Stopping, Khushi grimaced, "it was raining badly and Neel came home all soaked. I immediately tended to him but he pushed me away. When I asked him what the matter was, he told me that he got fired from his job. It was a hard blow for our relationship. Maybe it began to fall apart then, or was it before? I never truly noticed. I told him it would work out, he would find another job. I suggested I would get a job, which started a heated argument. He told me I had no business working when my brother was eating away my share of the company. Aman was everything to me and it hurt me, Neel did not spare a single thought in his rant. I finally snapped at him refusing the idea of ever asking my brother to split our father's company. Suddenly breathless, she clenched her hands.''

"What did you feel at that exact moment?'' Dr Tanya questioned. "Did you feel like hitting him back? It is very common for one to feel confused and most probably worried. You might have felt similar?''

"The tap was running because I told him I would boil some water for him since the geezer was not working that day, it was raining so hard...I remember looking out the window while telling him off, next second he raised his hand on me. I did not know what to feel at the moment. I simply shut myself away in my room. I remember feeling as if I had lost myself that day. I never thought he was capable of hitting anyone. Neel was someone you could find comfort and strength from. It was so out of character for him to raise his hand. I didn't know how to react for a long time.''

Something close to shame washed over her as the realization of her inaction's struck her. To open up the vaults she dared never to reveal was humiliating because she was forced to reckon with the very moment she decided to let a man rule her life. Never having shared such details with anyone, she began to welcome the overwhelming need to let it all go. To tell someone how much she suffered. To show her wounds and be accepted still. To understand her own shortcomings.

"Did Neel ever try to assert himself on you before that incident? It is not necessary that abuse always means hitting someone. Violence against one can occur in many ways. Physical violence is definitely one of those forms though not the only.''

Khushi shook her head and looked down at her lap with furrowed brows. "Never. He was not the aggressive types. He immediately apologized a while later. He said he was angry about his job and found the wrong outlet. He felt terrible and I forced myself to pacify him. I forgot my pain for his. Somehow I told myself I was at fault for provoking him. It made sense at that time. You want it to work so bad, to make everything right...so you hold yourself accountable. You judge yourself instead of others. After that night I begin to judge his every action through my inaction, as if I deserved the punishment because the fault was in me not him. After a week, I called up my brother and asked him to transfer my shares into Neel's account. Aman was nice about it, I expected anger instead I received an understanding. I felt like I did the right thing even though at the back of my mind I knew my brother was hurt, but my husband became my priority. And life for a while returned to normal.''

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Apologies for the delay. Was vying for a promotion at work which had me working quite hard, not that I don't work hard otherwise. Finally everything has settled down. So I am back to updates, before you came will be updated in a day or two.

The love for this story always overwhelms me. Thank you.

Would love to know your thoughts.

Take care.