"Payaliya!" Khushi halted on her tracks, her fingers still over a flowery pillow. She could hear her parents fussing over Payal and calling for Khushi in the background, but nothing reached to Khushi's ears.
This was the pillow Arnav had slept on when he was over her house.
Her fingers curled into the soft fabric, brushing against the cloth as if to grab the few sweet essences of her husband. A barely there smile lit her face as she remembered when she had woken up, intimately entangled with him the morning after he stopped by.
She had known. Yet, it secretly thrilled and bothered her to be so close to him.
But then, the harsh reminder of the loan and need to forcefully get back to his house poured water on her fragile dream. Blinking the sudden tears aside, Khushi dug her face into the softness and cried softly, making sure that none of her family members could hear her.
"Why Arnavji... Why?"
---
"Why Chote... Why?" Arnav looked up, unable to bear the accusation in his sister's eyes. But being the woman Anjali was, she collected the broken pieces of her brother and held her dear her... waiting for him to heal, even a little bit.
As Arnav flung his arms around his sister, biting his sobs against her shoulder, Anjali patted his shaking back and repeated her question. Arnav broke the hug and pressed his hands against his temples. Anjali cupped his cheek and looked into his eyes while Arnav rasped out "For you, Di."
Scalded by his comment, Anjali retreated and stared at him in confusion. "What?! Me... wh..." Anjali found herself at a loss of words. Eyeing the discarded legal file, she put her head in her hands and uttered her oath "You still believe it... don't you?"
Arnav frowned and looked at his tired sister, suddenly aged beyond her years of thirty two. "You believe that you're ill fated so you did this out of... fear." Anjali showed her palm and stopped him from speaking further. "No, don't say anything Ch... Arnav. I don't have it in me. After years of trying to bring you up and love you more than anything... you still believed that I would leave you one day? Or that I would also believe you to be the reason for our losses? Why! Hadn't I..." Anjali broke off to suppress a sob and stood up, fixing the creases in her saree.
"Di I..." Anjali melted at her brother's state and caressed his head like a child "Shush, it's not your fault..." Arnav could feel he could breathe when Anjali lifted the burden of accusations from his shoulder. How could he explain that what she said was true... but that the fear gnawed him day and night? He could do anything for his sister.
Anything.
"It's all my fault. You were never wrong, you are never wrong because Arnav Singh Raizada can never be at fault. He's the perfect one, the righteous one." Anjali spoke, in a trance. Arnav looked on, horrified as his own sister distanced from him. "Di..."
"Arnav, why are you looking guilty? You're absolutely right... it's me who is faulted. Everything is my fault because I am so terribly flawed. And it makes all the more sense and thank you... thank you so much." Anjali smiled, though tears threatened to roll down her cheeks.
Prying her fingers apart from Arnav's, she walked towards his door and paused to look at him, shattered. "Don't cry Arnav. If whatever Akash said about your marriage was true then it is not your fault at all. It's just now I realise... that even after giving every value and upbringing you ended up like this."
Anjali leaned weakly against the doorframe, the monstrosity of her brother' actions falling heavy on her. Never a day before did her leg feel further handicapped. "I could barely raise you... no wonder my own baby died, no wonder. I was never meant to be a mother." Arnav let out a sharp breath as he looked at his crestfallen sister.
Without another word, she hobbled out of his room... her choked sobs ringing in Arnav's ears.
Just one decision.
A single decision which made his wife be emotionally abused.
His brother feel wasted.
His sister lose her trust on herself.
In spite of everything Arnav had done to punish Shyam and set everything "right"... today Shyam was the true victor, even if he was rotting in jail. He had broken the pillars of the Raizada household.
And the best part, Shyam didn't even have to do anything himself.
---
"So how's your life going Payaliya? Akas babua must be a doting husband." Madhumati chuckled as she helped her niece onto bed, urging her to drink a glass of turmeric, saffron milk. Khushi colored at her Buaji's voice and grasped the pillow and other blankets, snapping out of her reverie.
"And our Sanka Devi is in her own world! Since when am I screaming for a blanket but this one is simply staring at a pillow as if Salman Khan's picture is stapled on it!" Khushi shook her head and put up a smile while piling the blankets and pillow on their bed.
"Salman Khan? Poor Jeth ji, till now he falls pale next to your Dabbangg ji?" Khushi allowed herself to be amused and teased as Madhumati gushed about them, the lovebirds that she touts them as. "Buaji, I have a question that only an intelligent woman like you can answer." Madhumati's eyes went round at the praise and she sat next to Khushi, waiting.
"By only saying Akash ji, Payal ji, Payal ji, Akash ji... how did they manage to have a baby so fast?" Khushi put up a puppy face as a flustered Payal hit her with a pillow. "Shaitaan! Buaji, dekho na!" Payal whined while Madhumati held her head and muttered "Haye Re Nandkisore!"
Giggling at Madhumati's embarrassment, Khushi did a little jig and returned to setting up her bed. "Jiji," Khushi paused to take the flowery pillow from Payal's hands "I'll take this, you take that one." The little intelligent smirk on Payal's face remained and Khushi groaned, knowing that Payal had caught on to the reason for Khushi's attachment with the pillow.
"Don't even start!" Khushi mock threatened while Payal burst into peals of laughter, patting her swollen belly. Ah, it had been days since the sisters laughed so gaily. "Sankadevi lost in Laad Governor's dreams! To be honest, what a jodi you both are... made for each other!" Payal suppressed the pang in her own heart on not having a passionate, protective lover yet, as long as her little sister was happy with Arnav - it was worth everything.
Khushi's smile froze on her face but it tactfully remained, her hand reached her sister's "You are more lucky Jiji... much more lucky to have a soft, caring and loving husband in the form of Jiju." The smile still remained on Khushi's face, now was not the time to bear the pain and dwell on her scars. As long as her Jiji was happy, it was worth it.
Suddenly their laughs sounded forced, mechanical. The sisters stared into each other's eyes, the muscles around their mouths stretched smilingly but their eyes telling a different story. A story each sister had learnt to read. With the haunted smile still hanging on their lips, tears welled up their eyes as they were befriended with the other's agony.
"Why Jiji... you both were..."
"When there's no wind... the air's too stagnant, too stale to breathe." Payal confessed, her hand mindlessly stroking her stomach. Akash had never been the one to express but his prominent absence during her pregnancy hurt Payal the most.
The dedication to his mother, a quality she had admired, now sat like a sore thorn for her mother in law was barely sympathetic towards Payal, in spite of her being heavily pregnant. And Akash had forsaken the responsibility for his actions because he was ashamed of the rushed wedding of his brother, and somewhat accepted the hostility against Payal - without any crime of hers.
It was a long time ago but Payal still remembered when Akash would stop to gently caress the thread holding her blouse, tugging a shy Payal into his arms when he would come back from office. But his mother would call him for an unnecessary reason, and Akash would leave her... did he not know that Payal lived for these stolen moments?
The memories were faint but Payal still felt the tingle up her spine when Akash would treasure yet made love to her like a man possessed. It was as if someone else had diffused into Akash when he held her in the most intimate manner - unrelenting, demanding yet understanding.
Till date Payal could never understand why Akash would hold on to her and tell her that she's the only one in his life. Clearly his mother and elder cousin were more. But the myriad of emotions in his eyes as he took refuge in the crook of her bare neck made Payal think, time and again.
Khushi had the wisdom to remain silent, looking at her wistful sister gaze at nothingness. Turning towards her beloved Goddess, Khushi questioned justice. From sacrificing her own dreams to going to the dead end to see her sister happy... why hadn't Payal achieved bliss? Akash had promised to love Payal beyond anything! Why, wasn't he the one to sneak into their house to see Payal at midnight or make promises for seven lives? What happened to him?
Akash being spineless was a fact Khushi couldn't digest. Even if she openly told Arnav so. Akash was a man of reason, not a man of instinct. Eyeing her sister with growing concern, she gently side hugged Payal, pulling her out of her train of thoughts.
"How much does a gust of wind cost?" Payal asked, feeling too tired to not divulge the truth of her marriage to a concerned Khushi. Yet Payal cursed herself as Khushi stiffened, a tear rolling down her cheek. "Jiji, when the wind blows beyond measure... it's so strong that you can't catch a breath. There's air all around you, yet you remain gasping for that one breath." Khushi confessed, her heart feeling lighter as she took solace in her sister's arms.
Blinking back her tears rapidly, Khushi sat up straight and smiled briefly "I am so sorry Jiji. Don't worry there's nothing wrong between me and Arn..." "Why? Why do we need to hide Khushi? If there's happiness, it's there. If there's sadness, it's there. I am tired of the pretense... I am..."
As Khushi watched Payal, her pillar of strength, break into cries; an overwhelmed Khushi shattered and felt her delicate facade crumble. Neither knew the reason for their turbulent marriages but having finally gotten rid of the lies, an exhausted Payal vented her frustrations while a guilty Khushi looked on.
Having overcome her own loss as always, Khushi stepped into the role of a mother and calmed Payal "The problem is not with Jiju. I can swear that you mean the world for him. It's... he'll come round that one day Jiji, trust me." Payal felt loneliness claw her as she didn't find her husband next to her when she needed him the most. Nothing mattered, she just needed to be pampered by her husband. As simple as that.
Fatigue wearing Payal out, she gave a soft smile to Khushi before slipping into a dreamless sleep. Khushi was the wiser one... if she said so then perhaps Akash would finally look up to his own wife. The hope ignited positivity in Payal and just as always, a smile crept up on her face.
However, sleep was miles away from Khushi.
Payal's turbulent marriage broke her little remaining strength, but Khushi wasn't surprised. Somewhere down the line, the first three months of her faux marriage with Arnav convinced her to be mistrusting of people and relationships. It just hurt her that her sister had to suffer.
Pausing to pat her sister's head, Khushi was grateful that her mother was too caught up with her own past and Payal's pregnancyl to question Khushi about the entire phone call - she didn't have the guts to open up any further.
As she curled into Arnav's pillow, she couldn't help but remember the most joyous moments of her life.
The reverence in his eyes as he worshipped her through his body and soul. His acceptance that he wasn't worth anything, especially not her. Confessing his love to her, no matter how twisted it seemed. He wanted her, made her feel like a woman to be desired. The Karva Chauth...
Sleep crawled into Khushi's eyes as she envisioned the gentle Arnav, her husband, wrapping his arm around her soft waist. So accustomed she was to him that she yanked onto the pillow tighter, believing that it was her husband underneath, with his arms cocooning her in his shell.
No words ever came out of the imaginary Arnav.
For Khushi's had the best conversations with him when they were silent.
"Oh Arnav..." she sobbed softly, into the pillow.
---
CID
183