Letter to my wife
Khushi draped the shawl securely around her shoulders, preparing herself for the gust of cold wind that would greet her when she opened the door to respond to the doorbell. It was early in the morning and the mist hung close to the ground, still not ready to leave its solid support and fly off to the clouds. She made her way across the hallway carefully and opened the door to greet the child who delivered milk every morning.
"Good morning Didi" he smiled his usual toothy smile and she responded with a pat on his head and accepted the milk packets and the envelope he handed to her. She looked at the cream colored thick package which carried no text except her name. She turned it around, looking for a stamp or a return address but found none.
"Who gave this to you?" she asked the child who had started making his way back to his bicycle.
"A man was placing this by your doorstep when I came. He asked me to give this to you so that you don't miss it."
She felt her heart drop, stop and then start hammering against her ribs as she took in the handwriting. Articulate, neat and spiked. Yes, she knew who had sent this.
She shut the door behind her and quickly flopped down on the sofa, tearing open the envelope. Thick sheets of paper fell out into her lap. And though she knew who this was, she skipped straight to the last page to see the sign and was surprised. It was him, alright, but he hadn't signed like he usually did. It just said "Arnav" instead of "Arnav Singh Raizada".
She began to read from the beginning then.
Khushi,
How are you? I hope you have been taking good care of yourself, avoiding the unhygienic street food and not jumping around. I am really not sure about the last two things as I have come to realize that you don't have anyone living with you right now (sounds hypocritical, I know).
Coming to the fact that why I am writing all of this on a piece of paper instead of mailing it to you. I sat down in front of the computer to write and somehow it felt that I was doing the same thing again which drove you away from me- forming perfect replies and excuses which am so great at. So I took out these sheets and my lucky pen and started writing. This gives me more time to think and form my thoughts and an opportunity to be honest with you and myself.
First of all, I wanted to apologize. There are a lot of things I should be apologizing for like indefinitely postponed dinner dates, times when I could not speak to you, when I did not realize that you slept on a empty stomach waiting for me, when you were expecting a hug and I walked away, for not holding you close when you could not sleep at night' I could go on and on Khushi and the list would just make both of us cry. But I guess the worst part of this apology is the fact that all of these times, I had a choice. And every time, I made the wrong one. The result is that in my quest to keep you out of my head, I am writing a letter to my own wife, when infact, we should be sitting somewhere together, celebrating three years of our marriage.
I have never been good at holding people close. They eventually realized how hollow I am and they left. Of course this is no excuse for my behavior with you over the past years, but I just wish to tell you, for once, how I feel. So, given my emotional handicap, I was extremely lucky to have people like Akash and Di around, who stuck by me in spite of my temper and callousness.
And then you came around. And you were different because you would open your heart out and shower every ounce of love you had on me even if I did not deserve it. The amazing fact was that you never ran out of it. It was really unbelievable, how you would come, ruffle my hair, irritate me and then walk away like nothing happened. It made me smile. No it made me laugh, your antics around the house. Of course, I laughed when nobody was looking and you were gone. I am sure you can understand why.
I took you to be as same as my family. They always accepted what I am. They let me work alone in peace, don't disturb my head and heart and are like a cool stream. You, on the other hand, tore apart my mask and were always curious. Its not an easy change to accept, Khushi. Opening up to you meant letting you see sides of me which I cannot bear to face myself. It involved breaking so many rules, coming to terms with so many things that I resisted. And I resisted until I broke you down.
I was relieved when you stopped at first. It felt so' safe until I recognized the fact that I had killed off a part of you. You came to those restaurants you hated so much and ate bland food, without asking for a pani poori even once. You spoke to people whose hypocrisy used to make your skin crawl with discomfort. You hid yourself in the attic when you thought I was asleep and made patterns on the dusty walls.
Did you really think all of this escaped my notice? I had no idea what to do now! I tried to argue with you, jerk that reaction out of you, something, anything that would make you call me names, blame me or even slap me. You swallowed all of it.
I guess the fight last week was all of it bursting through. I was angry when you screamed your head off at me. Things you said hurt, they hurt like hell. But when you stomped out and slammed the door, I felt there was some hope left for me. Maybe, if now, we start over, things would go the way they should have.
I still remember the day when you chose me over him. He would have kept you happier than I could, he understood you so well and did not ever let you cry, not even when you left him. I don't think I deserved that. I never told you, but that night, you saved my life. But I know that you are mine. You always were mine and you knew it so well but I refused you everything that is yours.
I am sure that you can find me. Please come and do so.
Love
Arnav
Note: This is an OS and probably will remain so. Highly inspired from some parts of the movie Rock On and -publicenemy-'s FF Reel. I hope its not too cliched.
Feedback is always appreciated.
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