"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the
barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
--Rumi--
I've always wondered what ASR's love would be like...proud, controlling, over-bearing even. But what I'd never thought it would be is, free.
A man who vowed to never bow down to anybody, who disregarded the workings of fate; a man who vouched to write his own destiny, today that very man was forced to succumb to the very force which dictated the working of fate, chose his destiny for him, and humbled him graciously...the force of love.
After tonight's episode, it dawned on me, that his want of love was never about possessing it, but rather, freeing it from the clutches of his own limitations.
The offer he made to Khushi, to work for him for a period of 24 hours, was as much for her sake as it was for his. Looking back at it, what did he choose to do in those 24 hours? Make her realise his love for him? Awaken her fighting spirit? Irk her? Tease her? Tire her? Pressure her into coming home? Push her past her limits? Yes, perhaps so, however it was also a period in which he made every effort to gauge her every reaction, and to measure them against his own barriers to love...that is, his desire to take ownership, to control the flow of emotions and to conceal his hearts mind. And in order to overcome these barriers, it was important for him to have Khushi back at RM, where much of these barriers seemingly exist, mostly in the form of painful memories which he knows, and is conscious, needs rectifying. How else can he prove and assure her of his love if he himself is unable to overcome the barriers to them?
"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment."
--Rumi--
I had always thought that ASRs fateful journey of love began the day they had their first rabba vey, the day when Khushi Kumari Gupta stood her ground, rooting herself in righteous stead, by refusing to wear the revealing label of AR designs. Perhaps fate, that her one direct refusal would lead to countless others, whereby ASRs hold over his own destiny and that of others, began to waver. Seeing her adorned in a red saree, he became mesmerised; and the moment he became captivated by her beauty was the first sign of his control slipping...
However, tonight's episode directed my attention back to their first ever meeting at sheesh mahal. Her running in to him, no matter how accidental, made me realise that the workings of fate started from that very first moment, as did his journey of love. Remember, the beginnings of love need not be a bed of roses.
No matter how deeply rooted his hatred was for her; as it is only when he entered the throws of hatred, that fate would have him look to his own self for barriers which prevented him from taking full control over her life, which for him was a matter of retaining his pride and ego.
His fight for control began the very moment he aggressively pulled her towards him and pulled at her dori, baring her back. The beads of pearls which scattered as a result, was a sign of her lost dignity, her fallen modesty, her injured humility. Her tears of hurt and sorrow was a clear victory for the mighty ASR; a girl who was inevitably dictated by the writings of his own fate, or was it?
Look at the scene carefully, then one will find how he had lost to her in that very first battle...
- A girl, who broke down in helplessness, quickly regained composure and covered her modesty with her long tresses. She was once again in control.
- A girl, whose dignity was trampled upon, refused to plead guilty to his accusations, never once losing to her crumbling emotions.
- A girl, whose status was made a mockery of, never once did she back down from speaking her heart and mind.
But then what of his victory?? In that same moment we saw an ASR who was thwarted from his attempts at taking control, let his anger prevail (losing control over his emotions) and for one split moment, revealed his hearts mind, seemingly affected by her very existence. So you tell me, who was it that came out victorious?
And my word, look at how things have changed! How the tables have turned! The journey which began in bitter conflict and mounting hatred, has now led them to an endless cycle of love. A journey through which both are travelling as equals, and through which both are to come out victorious.
What I saw in tonight's episode is a man who is willing to break down the very boundaries which otherwise, would prevent him from reaching out to his love. By freeing himself internally, he is able to accept his love whole heartedly, so much so that his love becomes limitless.
For me, recent episodes have been more about ASRs journey into love and his open acceptance of it, and for him to do that, he's had to understand his Khushi, her comforts, her discomforts, her boundaries, her growing fears, her desires, her dreams...everything. And in doing so, he's able to overcome his own boundaries to love.
When he leads her into their room, he lets her enter into the darkness of her own free will, courteously holding the door open for her. He lets her stumble and gives her full reign of the situation. A far cry from the man who once locked her up to be swallowed by the very darkness her forced upon her. A man, who once looked to exercise full control, is willingly handing that control over to his wife, so that she may realise the extent of their growing love. One thing he's learnt about his Khushi is to behave with her always as he has done, in order for her to feel at home. She's most confident, not when he utters sweet nothings, but keenly taunts her, provoking a response from her. And she gives it to him freely...
His calculated response provides just the right amount of ammunition for her to admit her own plans of getting him to wear the kurta pyjama. Is he surprised? No, but he is humbled, enough to want to express his own joy and happiness over doing something which pleases her. He further glows when she exercises his wifely rights over him, reaching out to close his buttons, unaware of his sweet intentions. As soon as she's found out, she turns away from him, concealing her reactions; but he openly wishes to face her, without any pretensions, without any games. What a beautiful continuation of their last encounter, in which false pretences was all she had to offer. But now that he's latched onto her, and her ways of thinking, he'll do all he can for her to openly accept his love.
He keenly observes her, her hesitance, before turning her to face him. At that point his face reveals all; his wanting to re-assure her of his love makes him overstep another one of his boundaries when he honestly reveals his own level of discomfort, warmly asking her about his motives - "have you ever wondered why?"
His tender kiss provides all the answers. It was all for her, for that one smile of hers.
Her one smile lights up the darkness, providing him with the answer he wanted, her acceptance of his warm intentions. He switches on the lights to surprise her with her gifts, and surprise her he does. This time however, he doesn't force his gifts on her; he waits for her to accept them, willingly...
And what a transpiring of love! His genuine feelings of joy and happiness whilst witnessing hers, speaks volumes about his sincerity and the depth of his love. For him, this display of affection is all about giving, not taking. He's learnt that the value of a gift is not in what it holds, but the joy that it can bring.
The gifts he chose were priceless, a true memento of their past memories; memories which encapsulate the journey of their love, both painfully beautiful. Tonight, he brought back those memories, uniting them in the hope of creating a single memory in which both can look towards, in future, with fondness.
They're all gifts which connects them emotionally; and proves just how much he's grown to understand his Khushi and the things which make her happy. By giving her those gifts, he's given back her identity, the identity of Khushi Kumari Gupta ' Singh Raizada - a girl, whose place is at RM, as much as it is at GH. He looks to accept her for who she is, her habits, her pain, her joy, and her fears; and longs to make them his own.
In that one moment, he bore his soul to her, his expressions reflecting the tumult of emotions that siege within her. Silent understanding passes between the two, as they both realise the significance of the gift...her lone tear expresses her defeat in the face of his love, and her victory and acceptance over her restored dignity. Her flash back of her dream turning into reality provided her with that assurance she longed for. And with that assurance, she was able to take that first step in accepting his loving embrace, retuning it with equal measure.
He leans into her, nuzzling his face against hers, painfully aware of his erring ways, his guilt pushing him to break down all barriers, as he desperately hold onto her, reassuring her of his love. Her eyes finally shut, finding relief and solace in his loving hold...her unwavering smile, revealing her firm acceptance.
The next morning she awakes, unsure as to whether or not it was all a dream. The realisation hits her when she finds him in front of her, waiting for her to awaken from her dream, and to accept the reality that is in front of her very eyes. He eyes her, wearing his heart on his sleeve, wanting her to know that he's there for her, and forever will be...his final gift to her...leaving her breathless.
ASR's journey of love is just like the above quotation -- "Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." In doing so, he's learnt to free himself, by way of letting go of the intellectual and rational mind, sacrificing his calculated approach to everything he does in life, and leaving himself open to the path of love. I say open, because their journey is far from over yet, *humaari baath abhi khatam nahi hui* - in fact, it's just starting...
Thank you CVs for giving us an episode which translates right from the heart...and to Barun Sobti and Sanaya Irani for making that possible.
Anupamaa
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