Dawn brought with it the bright sunshine of a warm spring day but she chose to shut her blinds to it. It was not because she wanted to keep the cool crisp air out but rather to keep the beauty of the spring morning out of the dark and gloomy Mansion that had become her prison by choice. They had been shut tightly, with the French windows barred for extra measure, for the past 6 months now.
That was part of her self imposed penance. She would see and feel the warm sunshine only when the warmth of her Family returned to this desolate house.
She woke up to a lonely bed and a lonely room that was richly furnished with every possible luxury a queen could afford but devoid of the presence of a loving soul that used to sleep in it beside her. How she longed to see him lay there, as he had done, for the past 34 years of her life with him, his face tender and peaceful. How she missed his warm smile and his comforting words whenever she was upset or anxious.
She dragged herself out of bed reluctantly to freshen up and change, so that she could go about her daily routine that she had adhered to for the past 5 months. She knew that what she did would not bring any new results but for her sanity she would have to keep doing it so that it would keep hope alive in her heart.
As she stood inside her door, hand on the doorknob, she took a deep breath and whispered the Goddess' name for strength as she pulled it open and walked out to face emptiness, loneliness, rebuke and isolation. Walking down the large empty corridor that echoed with every heavy and slow foot step she took, she though back to the time when she was unable to do so for the sheer amount of noise and commotion that this house started with every morning.
Her husband would follow her exit from their bedroom every morning, walking closely behind her as she walked briskly downstairs to check on breakfast and her son. As he walked with her he would be checking his phone, subconsciously listing the meetings and conferences that he was to attend that day, while she would make a mental note of it.
She was sure her very competent daughter in law was doing the same with her husband every morning as well, because she had realized a little too late how similar she was to her own self. A faint smile of pride lifted the corners of her mouth as she sighed and whispered with a painful voice, "Annika!!..", her hand holding her chest in a tight grip as if to make that unbearable pain of her longing to hug her Bahu go away.
She had been served court papers by Shivvay, the week after he had left the house, restricting her from sharing the same common area as his wife anywhere, while Khanna had been assigned to be with Annika 24/7 to ensure her safety. So meeting or hugging Annika was out of the question for her and she had to make do with watching her from a distance, hidden from plain view, for fear of her sons wrath upon knowing she was there.
Pinky shook her head, sadly,at the plight that she had put herself in and smiled warily, accepting her sons decision as wise considering what she had become 6 months ago. She would probably have done the same if she was him.
As she reached the top of the long and wide staircase she paused for a few minutes and looked down to the dark, silent and empty living room that would bustle with activity and noise every morning. She closed her eyes and let her mind take over as she reached into the treasure chest of her memories.
There was Jetji and Jethaniji sitting on the couch taking their second cup of coffee while Maaji sat instructing the servants about the breakfast and lunch. She could hear Gauri and her puja bell while she chanted the prayers and could imagine all three of the boys in the kitchen making breakfast while Annika instructed Khanna about Shivvay's schedule for the day, from her usual place in the small alcove, her phone and laptop open to sync Shivvay's meetings and conferences.
The house was a buzzing bee hive of activity and Shaktiji had just walked past her to go to sit with Jethji to sync their appointments for the day. She saw herself bustle into the kitchen to watch ShivOmRu and noticed what a sour mood she found herself in at that scene. She opened her eyes at that mental image of herself and recoiled at seeing it, wondering what kind of a obnoxious monster had taken a hold of her body during those days. Shaking her head at the Pinky that she saw in her memories she made her way down the wide stairs and upon reaching the living room automatically got into her daily routine.
She gravitated to the small temple and made sure the lamp was still burning as she added more ghee to it. She performed her quiet puja and taking the thal she first went to her mother-in-laws bedroom where she knocked on the door softly.
"Aa jao", replied a stern voice, wearing an equally stern look, as she walked in to her mother-in-law seated on her usual chair. The Prasad and the Aarti given she took her blessings and quietly left without saying a word.
Her next stop was the guest room adjoining her mother-in-laws where she found her husband checking his phone. Looking up from it as she entered the room he stood, face set in stone and eyes cold, as he took the Prasad and the Aarti. Then he turned his back to her and went to the open window, getting back to his appointments and his emails. Pinky looked longingly at the back that was turned to her, rigid and hard, just like she had turned the man into the day she had over stepped her bounds. Tears threatened to spill and she quickly wiped them away as she left silently, shutting the door softly behind her.
She walked into her brother-in-law and sister-in-laws empty room and walked around it, letting the Aarti fill the empty room while she said a silent prayer for their well being. This she did with Om and Gauri's room as well as Rudy's room as she opened the windows to let the spring air in for the day.
That done she had the hardest and longest walk ahead of her now.
The walk to the next room was always the most difficult for her. Like a sinner walks on his pilgrimage recounting his every sin so she did as she turned towards the room that she had turned into a temple of worship for 6 months now.
As she approached it she stood outside the closed door, eyes tightly shut and her mind going back to her treasure chest of memories again.
She could see the door open, just as they would leave it always for anyone to enter without any reservations. That was who her son and Bahu were. They were givers, protectors and providers to all the Family and they never asked anything in return. They were her Ram and Sita that she had sent to Vanvas because of her pride and her jealousy.
As she peeked in she saw Shivvay sitting on his couch, expresso in one hand and the newspaper in the other, while Annika bustled around talking twenty to a dozen to him. She always envied and was forever astonished at how, inspite of being engrossed in his Business Times, he would answer her every question and comment on every statement she expected him to reply to. He had essentially made his wife more important than even the stock markets' that meant so much to him always. But then that is who Shivvay was. He loved without reservation and boundaries.
She saw in her mind's eye, Annika spot her outside the room and immediately quieten down. As Annika tucked her hair behind her ear nervously and awkwardly, she stammered to Shivvay that she was going to check on breakfast in the kitchen while Pinky saw herself staring in disgust and repulsion at her passing her by at the door. She heard Shivvay call out after Annika and upon seeing his mother at the door he smiled, walked over and hugged her good morning. Had her son been that trusting of her and that blind to her hatred of his wife?? It was no wonder that he felt betrayed by her today.
She felt his warm and comforting hug for a fleeting second before it faded away from her. She opened her eyes that were filled with tears and pushed open the bedroom door. As she stepped into the silence and the emptiness she felt her heart tear into a thousand pieces just as she had felt every morning for the past 6 months. Her Ram and Sita no longer resided at this temple but she would worship them faithfully till the day they chose to return to her again.
She sat down on the floor beside the wedding picture, that she had cut out from the newspaper, which she had framed and she tenderly touched her Bahu's face asking a thousand pardons while blessing her for choosing to be her daughter-in-law. She picked it up and kissed her forehead and then turned to kiss her sons as well. She adjusted the Raksha Dhaga' on the frame to make sure that it was secure and then wiping her tears she picked her phone as it blinked with a call coming in.
She quickly got up and shut the door securing the latch on top and took the call with a soft,"Hello ...??"
"Ma??", said the voice softly, "go on the video call. He just sat down for breakfast with us all. I will keep the phone in it's usual place for you to see."
"Wait..," whispered Pinky back, "I want to see my bahu first before I see my son."
As Annika came into view Pinky's eyes spilled the unshed tears and she kissed the screen saying, "I love you beta."
"I know ma", whispered Annika kissing her screen back, "and I love you too."
Then she discreatly placed the phone on the cabinet that faced the dining table in their new and sunshine filled home and sat down beside her husband and with her Family to eat. For now this is what Pinky would have to be satisfied with till her son forgave her and returned home from his self imposed 'Vanvas' that she felt she was serving instead of him.
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