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Fellow Hum-sufferers - Rabba Ve!! 🤗
Bhelcomes baick to the duniya of 3 Lions (plus missing link) - and the First Day First Show of their naya taaza sabun. 🥳
The not-so-auspiciously titled Hum-SufferS (let's not forget that capital S) launched today with lots of fanfare, a brand new plot - and one bitiya opposite multiple leads.
Bhat - you ask? 😲
Patience, bitiyas. I explainiya'ing.
Bitwa's mustache. His beard. His overly lush mane. All of these get separate billing, salary and pension, and special mention in the opening credits. Heck - his eyebrows even got their own dressing room. 😎 😎 Allah knows - James Cameron seriously considered bitwa's face as a possible location for the movie Pandora, but had to abandon it as the vegetation was too dense for cameras. 😕
But bitwa has moved on to better things, namely - lead jungle (maafi, hero) in desi soap duniya.
Just as we move onto introductory Take 5 for Hum-SufferS (what the hell were they thinking? ) - posted from that long SUFFERing city of Lucknow - whose residents would really appreciate it if bitiya Gul either set the ENTIRE show there, or stopped using them as a springboard for exactly 2.5 episodes in her shows 😡
By the way - Agra has the Taj Mahal, Lucknow apparently has...dhobi ghats. (credit opening shot)
1. Cue Act 1, Scene 1. Action! Zoom in to masked bitiya riding her scooter on the streets of an impossibly clean Lucknow, on her way to deliver OurZoo Creations Pizza (30 minutes, or its phree, phree phree!)
What? Not pizza? 😲 Maafi.
She's on her way to the sets of a 1980's Jeetendra-Sridevi movie, where she runs under rang-birangey flying dupattas and holi colors and ...
Wrong again? 😲
Dammit. 😡 😡
Lambi saans andar, and lambi saans bahar.
She's on her way to the Florida of Lucknow. Matlab, the most happening senior citizen hangout in Lucknow - the car-khana. And no - they don't eat cars there.
Aap Bhi Na.
Said car-khana is under threat from an unnamed Mumbai wala sahab - who wants to trash it like an overfilled 
diaper. But bitiya is undeterred. Coz she's a Lucknow wala, and Lucknow walas are born with ess-tra spinal cord, all the better to defy those single spine Mumbai walas.
diaper. But bitiya is undeterred. Coz she's a Lucknow wala, and Lucknow walas are born with ess-tra spinal cord, all the better to defy those single spine Mumbai walas. Piece of cake. 😎 Or more accurately - piece of kulfi. Or so she says.
Bitiya's snake-oil pep talk at senior citizens hangout works wonders, and everyone's oh-so-happy again. 
She even manages to con the car-khana owner into forking over some serious cash for naya dee-sign. Mission Accomplished - she heads out wondering who this Mumbai sahab is, who wants to leave the car-khana without any...well, khana. 😡
She even manages to con the car-khana owner into forking over some serious cash for naya dee-sign. Mission Accomplished - she heads out wondering who this Mumbai sahab is, who wants to leave the car-khana without any...well, khana. 😡2. Cue the Eyebrows. Then half a head of hair, half a beard and half a mustache. Allah knows - the director tried his best to fit ALL of that hair into one close-up frame, but had to give up in despair. So please to expect thoda zoom-out when camera focuses on bitwa. Just sayin'.
Moving on.
Bitwa has ordered his poor, harassed driver to charge through the same narrow gali where bitiya has parked her scooter. So big, bad, uber-hairy car bears down on spunky little scooter while onlookers flail their arms in fake horror.
As expected, car and scooter go "nazrein-mili and takkar" - and scooter goes flying. Bitiya's design doodle lands oh-so-conveniently inside the car, setting the stage for next Rabba Ve - when I fully expect scooter's dupatta (mirror) to get stuck on car's shirt button (bumper), and windshield wipers to flutter in gentle breeze as headlights meet in that much-despised term called "eye-lock".
(Wait. What? 😲 You thought I meant Rabba Ve between Bitwa and Bitiya? 😲 That's so...STAR PLUS! 
)
)Bitiya is seriously, overwhelmingly gussa. But Allah knows - bitiya ko gussa nahin aata. Or so she declares to her phaimily. While more smoke comes out of her ears than a malfunctioning fireplace.
3. Cue Phaimily. All ye of the male persuasion - STOP! This be Estrogen Central - any and all testosterone attempting to enter shall be electrocuted until its carrier resembles a boiled shrimp. That is, all except an annoying parrot who makes an excellent case against vegetarianism. 😡 😡 😡
The household consists of bitiya, Ammi, Dadi, two younger sisters...and the GIANT chip on bitiya's shoulder, courtesy of bitiya's Abba having abandoned them at some point. Methinks Gul intended the name Our-Zoo for the household, channel mistakiya'd it for lead bitiya - and now she's stuck. 😕
But here's where we collectively take a moment to applaud 4Lions' woriginality. Instead of lead bitwas with "Maaa...!" issues, we have...a lead bitiya with Abba issues! Whattay spectacular, never-before-seen twist (NOT!)
Bitiya Gul - even an ignoramous like me knows that the premise is "generously inspired" by sarhad-paar sabun I pyaar se call Kash-woof.
Anyway.
Daadi is a huge Ravi Shastri phangurl (side note to Mr Shastri - restraining orders are that way. YOU'RE WELCOME. ) and is apparently intended to serve as comic relief. Hopefully they go easy on her eyeliner, so kids don't wake up in the middle of the night (so ja beta, varna Daadi aa jayegi)
Bitiya's phasion-crazy younger sister wants to participate in a contest that is being judged by another Mumbai wala (what - did they pick up Mumbai and move it next door to Lucknow recently? 
) and bitiya plans to put her doodling to good use to whip up an outfit that will knock Mumbai-wala's socks off. Too bad it won't knock all that hair off...okay, OKAY! Moving on.
) and bitiya plans to put her doodling to good use to whip up an outfit that will knock Mumbai-wala's socks off. Too bad it won't knock all that hair off...okay, OKAY! Moving on.4. Cue the Car-khana. Bitwa is holding court with a bunch of terrified geriatrics, all of whom are collectively wishing they had stocked up on a warehouse sized box of Depends. 
He doesn't like any of the designs profferred, and with each rejection - his eyes pop out a little more, until you almost want to hold a cup under his face. Just in case.
He doesn't like any of the designs profferred, and with each rejection - his eyes pop out a little more, until you almost want to hold a cup under his face. Just in case.Finally - he's seen enough, and the verdict is in. Car-khana will fall - TODAY. The diaper has lost the battle against gravity. 
Or has it?
Allah knows - bitiya ko gussa nahin aata. Unless someone's knocking over her scooter, or threatening the car-khana. A timely phone call tips her off about the bulldozer parked in front of car-khana, and she's off to fight back...by lying down in phront of bulldozer. Sheer genius, that. 👏
A timely phone call tips her off about the bulldozer parked in front of car-khana, and she's off to fight back...by lying down in phront of bulldozer. Sheer genius, that. 👏5. Cue Rabba Ve. Climax for opening episode. Bulldozer ka brakes have (conveniently) failed - and it is bearing down on bitiya, who has (even more conveniently) fainted. Will the dozer stop in time, or will bitiya ending up being flatter than the pizza she *wasn't* delivering in her opening shot?
The ten-shun is unbearable. NOT. 
But of course, she isn't. Flattened, that is. Coz in the space of zero point two nano-seconds - bitwa has managed to show up, brush all that hair out of the way long enough to see what's going on, turn the dozer so it slams into a tree, cover bitiya's face just-so with dupatta to hide her identity, and swing her up with a dramatic flourish.
Mumbai walas everywhere heave a sigh of relief. Allah knows - fragile Mumbai egos that had been battered throughout the first episode finally finally have a reason to cheer. Loud cries of "Mumbaiya Rhett Butler ki jai" echo everywhere...
... until he drops still-faintiya'd bitiya onto a charpoy like she was a sack of wheat, and walks away with nary a glance. The End.
🥺
So.
Bhelcomes to another magnum opus from the stable of the PH-guaranteed-to-give-you-heartburn-in-six-months. 😃 Gul shopped long and hard for a Hum-shakal for her Hum-SufferS, and ended up with her doppelganger in the lead role.
Fifty cent verdict...
👍🏼👍🏼
Lead bitwa appears to have noticeably good control over his dialog delivery. Lead bitiya is thoda raw, but has potential.
👎🏼 👎🏼
The HAIR! The HAIR! Oh. My. Lord. The HAIR - Its Everywhere!!!
As for actual dekho-worthiness - that remains to be seen, since Allah knows - we can be fairly confident that they will be behind schedule in about 6 days, body doubles will begin to appear in about 6 weeks, and story will goDaiiya-Ho-with-flash-drive (maha-satyanash) in about 6 months. Especially since Gul's other baby is still kicking and thrashing over at Zee.
But this is no time for complaints - 'tis the time to say bye-bye to old grievances and say hello-hi and bhelcomes to new opportunities for snark-filled nirmal anand.
Kyunki, Allah knows - we don't need anything else, Khush...maafi, Gul.
We *really* don't need anything else.
😃 😃 😃
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
Indian Mythology
Chakravarti Samrat Prithviraj Chauhan
