FF-Obsession,chapter29 and next thread-pg150,7oct. - Page 35

Have you ever seen a "living dead"..I am watching a "living dead" since last thirty two days..not only watching..i am living with him or i should say, i am dying with him every minute that i spend in his vicinity..Irony is that he remains oblivious to my presence during those moments..

I had last heard his voice on the unfortunate day when pari left this world. His last words were "her name."After that he is mute.He inhales,he exhales but he is not breathing.He eats,he drinks but neither there is hunger nor there is satiety.He closes his eyes in night.He opens his eyes in morning.But i know neither he is sleeping nor he is awakening.I tried to look in his eyes to find those tears which he had not shed till now.But nothing was there.His eyes were numb and cold.They were drained of any emotion and so are his heart and mind.I can't see him cry still i want him to shed tears for pari..I want him to scream..I want him to express the grief and pain which he is bottling up inside...

I was able to save him from all legal problems which arose after pari's death as she did not leave any suicidal note.It was a suicide for others but for me it was a murder by poems.Like me there were two other people too who did not find her death a suicide but for them murderer was somebody else.Pari's parents accused him for the loss of their daughter. I wish i could make them understand his love for their daughter.I wish i could make them understand that its not him but those poems who took their daughter away.Still i managed to save maan by restraining pari's parents from filing a case against him.But I won't be able to save him from what he is doing to himself. He needs to cry.He needs to mourn.

For once i had also left all the hopes to get his life back to him, if i had not seen him that night in his bedroom.I saw him caressing the rim of the cup in which pari had her last tea. Yes,i found something in his eyes which was still alive. He had not let anyone touch the things in his bedroom after that night.Everything is in same order in which pari had left them. He lets the soul enter in his body for those few moments when he searches for pari in things of their bedroom. But failure of not finding her again push him to abyss of darkness where he snatches all the emotions,all the traces of his being alive away from him and what comes out from that abyss is a body which is similar to machine.It has motion but its devoid of life. Life should be brought back to maan as soon as possible otherwise i am afraid he will not take much time to end the motion too...

Her belief that she was able to understand maan's pain and anxiousness on that day,in the car when they were coming to his house after reading the poem,shattered into million pieces at this particular moment.She was sitting in the hospital,dying with every nanosecond passed.Maan was admitted to emergency ward.He had consumed whole bottle of sleeping pills. If Geet had not reached at time,then he would have slept for forever.She was looking at the door of emergency ward where life of her"life" was struggling.Negativity was overwhelming her senses as her mind was creating images of his dead body coming out of ward.How much she tried,it was impossible to remove those images from popping out.After many years,helplessness of being an orphan poked her heart. She desperately needed someone's shoulder to cry on.Her proud of standing up alone in worst situations was trampled under the cruel feet of fate.Her heart thumped in her ears as doctor came out from the ward..She wanted to ask him about his health but all she could do was walking like a zombie towards doctor.When words failed to come out from her mouth,doctor obliged her by himself telling her maan's condition..."he is fine now ,miss geet.. but effect of pills is still there..It will take time to wake him up..."

Her lips moved to say thank you but instead of that grateful word ,a sob escaped from her throat.She fell on the chair as relief washed her whole body.She could feel what a drowning person feels when his head comes out from water and air fills the lungs once again.She let the tears flow from her eyes as her soul absorbed the realization that maan was safe and fine..

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"So you saved me.."maan mumbled when his drowsy eyes fell on the female figure sitting beside his bed.

His voice was balmy to her unseen wounds which bled badly during those hours which she spent alone sitting in the corridor of hospital .He is safe and fine..was the only fact which was forcing life to her.

"I thought you will say"why did you save me???"

"No..i already knew that you would, thats why i chose a time when chances of your arrival were minimal"He smirked.

"But still i manged to save you...your ill luck"

"yeah..my ill luck."he closed his eyes once again."you should have let me die.."

"whyyy???"She screamed.Only she knew how she suppressed the urge to slap him really hard.

"Don't shout...it hurts "here" he replied pointing towards his forehead."and..this is hospital as far i guess..you should behave yourself.."

Maan was back to his "jerkself" which was a special part of his persona which emerged frantically only when he was with geet.

"Fine..I won't shout..."She gritted her teeth.."But why have you done this???"She asked in a defeating tone..

"like you don't know..."Reply was full of nonchalance,as he turned to his left side on hospital bed giving her his back.

"I know but i want to hear from you"Geet's eyes were fixed on his back"and you know i won't spare you till words comes out from your mouth"

"I know it very well "miss adamant"...fine..I can't live without pari.."

"Wow...so you think by killing yourself,your spirit will be able to mingle with pari's spirit..like they show in stupid movies,,,"She was outrageous.

"Is it possible???" he asked.His words were adding fuel to geet's anger.

"How would i know,maan???you tried to kill yourself not me..and you know committing suicide is a crime..i can make you rot in prison.."

"then..do it..what are you waiting for???"This time, it was maan who screamed.."Call the cops..let me rot in prison or anywhere but just take me somewhere where her memories can't reach me..or at someplace where guilt of not being able to save her don't prick my existence..'

"It was not your fault,maan..."

"yes it was..I should have brought her to you earlier at first place and then i should not have left her alone that day..."His eyes brimmed with tears.

"It was not your fault.."She repeated herself as her hands tempted to engulf him in a embrace to absorb his pain.

"Yes it was..and i have decided my punishment.."Her pupils dilated by his statement.."You won't be able to save me everytime.."

"you mean you will do this again..." she asked in disbelief.

"Yes..till death conquers my life.."he smirked.

Fury and helplessness is a combination which can eat up whole rationality of a person.Geet was furious beyond limits.At same time she was helpless beyond limits.She could not slap him and say"Dare you say that again..have you ever thought what will i do without you".Sadly but truly she had no right on him.Tears continued spilling from her eyes when her hands got busied in throwing the objects in the room on the floor."Destruction"is relative of"fury"sometimes.Destroying things provides a little peace to furious mind.

"Stop it..geet.."

'No..i will not.. when you can do anything than why can't I..You go and kill yourself..i won't stop you...Do whatever you want to do..cut your wrists with knife...gulp two bottles of sleeping pills or consume rat kill,,,"She was screaming as she crashed the another flower vase on the floor..."Just don't let me know..." Her pitch was rising every minute.

I did not call you this time too,he wanted to say but stopped himself..He waited for hospital staff to arrive and end this chaotic drama.

"i should not be informed about your suicide attempt.."She continued with her ramblings.."Don't make me mourn on the fact that you ended your life for a girl who actually never loved you,who never cared about you..."

"whatt...???mind your words Doctor,,,"he spat in anger,,

"yes..Mr.Maan Khurana..She never loved you..Truth is that she married you just under the influence of a poem..If she had not read that poem,She might have slapped you on that day when you performed your suicide act infront of her eyes..It was just a poem which brought her in your life..If she had truly loved you..then..

She could not complete her sentence as she felt stinging pain in her cheek.Maan had slapped her..

"Dare you speak another word about pari..She never loved me..how could you say that geet???..For your kind information it was me who first noticed her problem which according to you was my illusion only..It was me who could tell whether she was in a trance of a poem or not by just looking in her eyes..what do you think how i was able to do this???"He shook her form the shoulders..."I could tell because i was able to see the absence of love for me in her eyes when she was in trance of any poem.. love which her eyes always reflected when she was not spellbound by any poem..love which was much more in depth and amount than my love for her...she loved me more...geet..she loved me more than i love her..."He left her shoulders as his knees sank in the floor near her feet,,He was crying," and I will prove this to you"he looked upwards towards geet's face with a tinge of hatred in his voice.

Geet did not move and her left hand remained fixed on the cheek.She wanted to console him but she had lost that right too at moment when she doubted pari's love for him.Maan looked at her retreating figure as geet left the ward with heavy steps.

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She tasted her blood.Maan's slap was strong enough to make her lip bleed from inside.She squeezed the cut further by pinching it with her teeth.She wanted to bleed more.She wanted to feel more pain in an attempt to subdue her guilt of saying those words.She knew very well those words were not just an outcome of her furious mind.She did not just blurt them in anger.All this was somewhere deep buried in her head and heart.We all believe ourselves good humans. Sometimes Our brains know very well that whatever we did was wrong but still somewhere our hearts try to justify the deed.These justifications are called "excuses"for the wrong we do.Whatever geet told maan was her excuse for justifying her attraction towards him.Somewhere her heart allowed her to continue with her attraction because it believed that pari never loved him. Their marriage happened because of poem that pari read few nights before of her previous broken engagement.But today maan proved her excuse the lamest one..She was proven wrong today and no excuse was left to justify it.She was wrong because of her attraction for maan..She was more wrong for doubting pari 's love for maan.