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Already Gone
He was melancholy the first time I saw him. Well the first time I remember seeing him; my parents tell me that we previously met when I was 2. Our families were having dinner together that night, at the Khurana's home. Our parents were childhood reunited after years of separation due to my family moving to US. We have just permanently moved back to Delhi, intending on living here. I had even received my masters admission in a good college here. So there I was enjoying dinner with these new people, people who seemed just like my own when he strode in.He was dressed formally, with a vest and tie, dressed in the deepest tones of blue and black, probably just returning from the office. At first glance, I could only see the arrogance, and yes the gorgeous looks. It seemed to me that the arrogance and the ego, the pride, dripped off of him, the way he walked, talked, the slant of his lips, the furrows in his brows, even the way he ate. His name I found out soon was Maan, the eldest Khurana son. Maan, I had thought to myself, slightly amused, well that explains the pride and arrogance, no wonder that's how he was.
But, as I said, even more than anything else I remember about him I remembered his sadness. Oh! A person could not seen it, not if they were not truly looking. If all they were doing was sneaking glances at him, they would not have seen it. He had intrigued me, fascinated me, this man with a mixture of hot and cold, so cold his pride and so warm his smile, a smile only briefly seen when he looked at his mom and grandmother. And as my habit, with all that fascinates me, whether a painting, a book, or a person, I was completely absorbed; the whole dinner was spent with me pushing my food around my plate, and inconspicuously but constantly looking at him through under my lashes.
I was so grateful for all the men in my family distracting him with this or the other talk of business, it gave me great opportunity to look. While all was seemingly ok, it was his eyes that intrigued me, while they were constantly alert, there were time, probably brief microseconds, when they would look at the couples around the table and get this utter look of despair in them. I think, my heart had already fallen for him that night, not that I realized this for a long while yet.
We met the second time, also under a family setting. All the females from both families had gone shopping and were then crashed at the Khurana mansion, completely exhausted by the hours spent shopping and bargaining. As soon as we had arrived there, we had been greeted by Dev as he had joined us for some snacks and tea. He was comfortable as always, surrounded by women and enjoying their company greatly. Maan had come home then, and by fortune or misfortune, Dev had called him over to join them. At first I had felt he would not, but he did come over. I was half panicked and half happy.
The first time we had met, I was uncharacteristically silent because I had been lost in observing him, but no one had questioned me then, the Khurana's because they had not known me yet and my family because they had figured I was exhausted from all the traveling and moving into a new city. But as I saw him the second time, I had no such excuses, because with the exception of him, I was quite acquainted with the Khuranas now and I knew that a change in behavior would not go unnoticed. So I spent the whole time, happily chatting and eating, I did not get any chance to observe him, truly look at him.
But, I think that day, he had finally noticed me. At the first dinner, he had hardly even looked at me, let alone seen me, I don't think my silence and quiet demeanor that day had helped the matter either. On our second meeting, with acting like myself, he finally saw me, I actually caught him looking at me. I was still so apprehensive despite the attention though because I could not tell by his demeanor whether seeing me, knowing me, was a good thing or a bad thing for him.
From there, we often saw each other, often encountering each other when the families gathered. Despite meeting so many times, I don't think we had ever spoken to each other, yes we had said hi, hello, etc, but never really talked. The opportunity for us to speak, actually came when I applied for the post of Marketing manager at his company. I was in interview with the him and a few other people, for about half an hour. That was the first time we had talked to each other for more than a few minutes. As I left the interview, I was glad that I had come prepared with my certificates, my recommendations, and mostly my wits. I got the job.
From there it was frequent for us to meet, and I got to know him, I found out we could not be more different in some many ways. As outgoing as I was, so was he an introvert. Yes, he was very commanding and domineering in so many things, but I rarely saw him interact with anyone outside of work related issues. Whereas I love talking to people, interacting with them, chatting with them, getting to know them. I was thankful for my happy demeanor as it helps me time and again in putting people at ease, making them more at ease around me.
In the office, I believe I was the one person not intimidated by him. Yes, I had the habit of cowering for a few moments but I also rose to the challenge, and would recover and give it back to him if necessary. I am so glad for the chance I was given to work with him, it was one of the best learning experience of my life. Not only did it give me the chance to learn about business but I also gave me front row seats in getting to know Maan. One good thing that came from seeing me act so bravely was that it gave other people like Adi sir, Pinky, and Tasha an example to see him as at least semi-human, rather than the demon and god stature which they had given him.
The time went by so fast, from one project to another, and in between the work, the late night projects together, and the minor tussles between us, we somehow managed to become friends. In between handling my job, my studies, and my family my life was full. And while I had yet to learn what the source of Maan's unhappiness was, his eyes seemed more happy now than sad.
So, it came as a complete surprise to me to overhear my parents and grandparents talk about a potential alliance between me and Dev. I was so greatly disturbed by this. It was not the fact that I did not like Dev or that he would not make a good husband or that we were not friends, it was disturbing because as they were talking about the alliance, I had for a brief moment been overjoyed by the thought they were talking about Maan and I, before I found out it was Dev.
It was then that I finally took a look at all my behavior and emotions regarding Maan, all my reactions and actions since the moment that I had seen him. I realized I was in love with him, had been in love with him since I had known him. I could not have been more happy or more unhappy for myself at the moment, happy because I was in love, for the first time, probably for the last time and the feeling was great, and unhappy because a true alliance between us would be impossible, impossible because there were shadows in his past and because while I saw him as my love, I had never seen him show more that a friends care for me.
But life moved on. I considered it my duty to warn Dev about the potential alliance coming from my family, and was pleased to learn from him that he was already in love with Meera, his best friend, and was only waiting for her to finish college before he proposed. I made sure to subtly but firmly introduce Meera, my friend and Dev's girlfriend, to my family before they took mine and Dev's marriage talks forward. So with one dilemma down, I was left with all my time to think about my other dilemma, What to do with the fact that I was in love wit Maan? Thankfully I had unconsciously always acted like I would have had I know I was in love with him, so there was not much change in my demeanor, expect that I was dressing better. And, again life moved on. The next bomb came to me quiet unexpectedly. It came from Maan's family when they came to our house with a marriage proposal between Maan and myself. This they said was with Maan's acceptance.
I was so happy, thinking that maybe I was wrong, that he did feel more for me than friendship, that maybe he too love me. My family was overjoyed and the alliance was quickly and joyously agreed to. The engagement was held the very next night. I had not talked to Maan since the meeting between our families and saw him for the first time in 2 days at our engagement. He looked so handsome in traditional black and silver shervani. He was actually smiling a little. It eased my apprehension and they engagement was proceeded. I still wanted to talk to him though, ask him why he agreed to this marriage, I wanted so badly to hear from his mouth that he loved me. But, I was too quick to question my gut instinct.
After we had the most perfect first couples dance, he pulled me aside. I learned the reason for the haunting look in his eyes on the day of our engagement. His college love had run from him, the day he had proposed to her, she had told him she was too afraid to take on the responsibility of being the bahu of such a big household and that she had refused his love point blank, going so far as to tell him that he was not worth giving up her freedom in so many ways just to be with him. She said she would marry him if they were living separately from his family. I don't think she knew what she was talking about, taking care of a family is a privilege not a burden, and I told Maan as such.
My hope that he was marrying me because he loved me was gone when he then proceeded to tell me that I was a very good friend and that he had seen me with his family, and knew that I would make his family very happy. He explained all this to me and told me that he was glad I had agreed to this arranged marriage, that he would give it his best shot, if I did the same. So, there I was in half a love marriage, engaged to the man I loved, a man who saw he as a friend and an arrangement to make his family happy. But I still had a chance. Due to the stupidity to that girl, I was getting a chance to spend a lifetime with the man I loved and having a glimmer of hope that he would fall in love with me sometime during our life together. I had more than what some girls could hope for.
It was decided that they wedding would take place 6 months later. Once my summer vacation started, so that Maan and I would have time to spend with each other and go on a honeymoon before we were both too caught up in our lives. The time seemed to change then. At times, it went too fast and at times it went too slow. The parents started setting us up on dates and sending us to parties together, a practice run they said for what our lives would be like. Maan too had agreed to this, as he to wanted me to gently get used to all this. Turns out it was not that difficult, I had been representing the Handa family for a long time as their eldest granddaughter and turns out the transition from that to the eldest daughter of the Khurana household was not difficult at all. Most of the families there were quick to take a liking to me, and soon the parties were less torturous. Mostly, it was great for me to spend time with Maan in a non work environment. As much as we were friends, we had not spend any time together outside of work. This gave a chance to know each other more, Maan was more open with me after our engagement, there were not much secrets between us now, and we exchanged so many life stories between us after that.
Looking back on things, makes me smile. While I was definitely the more outgoing one of us two when we were in public, the times which we were alone together, it seemed our roles were reversed, I would become the more shy and content one, whereas we would talk more, going from topic to topic as I listened. As time went by, his demeanor with me was changing, he was now open with me, liked spending time with me, he would joke more often, and he was even more physically demonstrative with me. He had taken to giving me quick pecks on the forehead and an occasional hug when he was feeling happy. Finally, 4 months into our engagement, it happened. He gave me that smile. The smile that I had seen on his face that first dinner together. The smile he had flashed to his mother and grandmother, the smile that seemed to convey his love for them. The smile was now mine too. I was privileged to see that smile.
From there, the awareness between us seemed to have increased. I was so happy thinking that my wish for his love might come to fruition earlier than I had projected. He was doing things that a man in love might do, he sent me flowers, he bought a pair of payal which he proceeded to tie on my ankles, he even took me to the movies. We were happy together. Whatever was to happen, I was really forward to spending my life with him, giving him and or marriage my best. Then I heard the news from Dev that he had seen his brother custom designing a locket and that he had overheard him ordering someone to decorate someplace. I took it to mean, that the locket was for me and that he wanted to propose me to marry him again because he loved me and could not live without me. He had already asked me on a date for our 5 moth anniversary. With only 2 days left for that day to arrive, I had gone into full preparation mode, with trying to find the perfect saree to wear, perfect shoes, jewelry, everything. I wanted to look beautiful for him.
Little was I to know, how soon all that would end. The day before our date, marked the re-entry of her, his ex love, Sammera, into our lives. She was the project manager for the new clients which we were hoping to contract. I knew who she was the moment that she stepped into the room. The look in Maan's eyes told me everything. By now, I had become an expert at reading his small expressions. While everyone had been watching her, I was watching him. I saw the oddest mixture of love, hate, and despair enter into his eyes. It was just for a moment, but it was so powerful. Had it not been for my hand clutching the table top, I would have collapsed, my stomach plummeted and my knees had grown weak when I saw his eyes. Here I was building dreams castles of love, when I had never seen his eyes look at me that way, moreover if this is how he still looked at her, what were the chances that he loved me.
But, I decided to wait. I wanted to see what he would talk to me tomorrow at our date. Whether I would still be the recipient of that locket or not. Turns out I should not have worried, he had to cancel the date due to a meeting regarding the project. I understood. Really I did, or at least I tried to. We had this happen before with clients, events which forced us to move around our schedules due to some whim of theirs, we have had to cancel dates before, sometimes because of me and sometimes because of him, and we made it a point to make things up later, so why did this one bother me so much? I trust Maan, and she seemed like a nice person, no matter how much I wished for her to be otherwise.
He did make the date up to me, took me to lunch the next day, but still no locket. I thought maybe he wanted to set up something special again. With only a month left to the wedding, my mind was torn as never before. She was back in his life. Before I was thinking in terms of that even if I did not have his love now, I would have it later. Now I did not know what to think, did he love me, thinks of me as only a friend, more than a friend, or did seeing her once again remind him of his lost love. Did she want him back? Was she sorry to have left him? Days went by again with us working in this situation. I did not know what to do. Then came that fateful night. We had gone to dinner together, him and I, after work to one of our favorite restaurants.
I had gone to the restroom and when I came out, they were standing together. I heard her pleading to him, telling him she was sorry, that she was wrong, that she wanted one more chance. He was just standing there, looking at her. When I came near, their gaze switched to me. There all 3 of us stood in silence. I was happy that his first love came back to him but yet I wanted him to love me, pick me. I could see it in her eyes, she wanted him to pick her. Now it was his choice. It rested on him. As we were waiting, she and I. I held still, not wanting to say or do anything to sway him but even then I could not keep a sheen of tears coming to my eyes but I held them in. She was not in a better shape than me, she had started bawling her eyes out, waiting for him. After moments, he took a step forward towards us, he came to stand before us, and grabbing her, he pulled her out of the restaurant.
I just stood there. Finally waking up, I somehow managed to move myself and make my way home. I kept on waiting for his call, or his families call announcing that the wedding was off, but no call came, no text message came. Then I got to thinking that maybe, given his nature, though he loved her, he would not call of the wedding at this stage. I tried to get in touch with him but he was no where to be found. It seemed he had disappeared since that night. I could continue this no longer. So here I sit, at the airport, waiting for them to announce my flight. I have not told anyone that I am going to America. Better to do this, to break it off now, before anyone tried to stop me, tried to persuade me otherwise. I will call them when I reach my stop over in Germany, let them know of my plan. Tell them that I wanted to finish my studies in Harvard and that the wedding was canceled for now.
Maan, my love, I am setting you free. You gave this arrangement your best and I will live happily with the memories you gave me. By the time anyone realizes, I will already be gone. Leaving you to the one you love. My hopes are only that your love story has a better ending than mine, and that you get all your happiness.
As I finish recording my thoughts, purging them, out of my soul and onto my laptop, I feel numb. Finally, I hear that they are starting to board the first class passengers. Maybe someday I will send this to him, to let him know that I mean him no ill will, If I find the courage. Just to let him know what he meant to,means to me, and that he will always hold that place in my heart. Packing my laptop in my carry-on bag, I make my way to the airplane, my escape.
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Mannat Har Khushi Paane Ki
Cricket
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