Dil Hai Ki Manta Nahi

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Khushi

@blueangel1308

Explorer

+ 3

Posted: 14 years ago

Dil Hai Ki Manta Nahi

Hearing him ask if these emotions, this closeness between us was feeling fake to me, I come to my senses and rise from where I am lying down looking up into his eyes. I lower my eyes and rise away from his gaze, without looking at him. He reads my eyes too clearly, he would read in them that this was by no means fake to me. Him, these feelings, this was not fake for me, never had been. That moment many weeks ago he had asked me if I was afraid of becoming his fake fiance because I was afraid I would fall in love with him while playing pretend, at the time my mind was saying, "No, because of my past, my baby, I am afraid to drag you into this, not when you have done so much, given me so much, I can't" but my heart, my heart knew, "Yes, I can't show you my love. I already love you but doing this, showing me this dream, let not my fate be so cruel" but then you had asked me if I loved you, the first yes was for me and for you, my admission, and the second was for me too, so that you did not catch the truth in my first yes. I get up and walk slowly towards the window again and stare out at the swirling white drops, snow, the first that I had seen in my life. I feel his eyes burning into me, boring into my back as I walk away from that moment slowly.
It's not that I cant answer him, the words so readily on my tongue, but the truth is I am afraid, not of him, never of him, but of this. For a person always staying strong, staying happy, always chasing after the small joys, it is stupid to be afraid of the biggest joy that has come into my life but afraid I am, of this happiness, of having it taken away from me. So foolish, letting go of something, fearing its loss, when I had not even fully grasped it. I hold onto the ledge tight, looking out with unseeing eyes at the beauty in front of me. I know I have to face my fear, I knew I had to let this fear pass, to gather my courage and face difficulties head on as I always do. He does not come after me, like he did, does not stand so close to me, holding me, reading my heart beat with his fingers. I am pretty sure he knows I need time, I know we cannot move forward until I answer his question. I glance back briefly to see him having laid down onto the ground again, his body prone on the ground with his hands behind his head, cradling it. He is not looking at me, instead his gaze is fixed on the ceiling. Turning my eyes back to the snow, I miss those eyes, glancing back at me, questions thrown at me from those infinite depths.

Dil hai ke manta nahin - 2
Mushkil badi hai rasme mohabbat
Yeh jaanta hi nahin

She does not answer me, only steals her gaze from my eyes and with stilled movement goes to the window again, from where this playing between us had started. Such few words I had asked, yet they hold the cusp of our relationship. This question needed an answer before we could plan our lives ahead. She has already told me that I am the most important person to her, but yet I want more. I have always been adamant in most things, it makes sense that in one of the most important things in my life, I would become even more adamant and greedy. Now that I know she will not leave, that she trusts me, that I am the most important person in her life, I want more words from her, more confirmations that what that is between us is real and permanent. I want her to show me that she is in love with me, mine only.
I lay back down on the warm floor in front of the fire place and resting my head on my hands stare up at the ceiling. I know it cannot give me any answers but now, with my question, the ball is entirely in her court. The next move has to be hers, and as much as I want to march right over the window and hold her in my arms again, I cant. This time, she has to come to me, show me, tell me, the answer to that question. I keep stealing glances from the corner of my eye to see if her eyes were looking into mine, but maybe my timing was off but I never do catch her gaze. But I feel that this air around us has a feeling of anticipation and in hope that I am not imagining this, I get the feeling that it should lead to something good. Feeling eyes on me, as if I branding me, I look over again to see if those beautiful eyes are looking at me again, but again I miss that gaze.

Oh, Dil Hai Ke Manta Nahin
Dil Hai Ke Manta Nahin
Yeh Beqaraari Kyoon Ho Rahi Hai
Yeh Jaanta Hi Nahin

I look back after some more time of thinking and find that he has closed his eyes, and seems to be asleep with deep even breaths raising and lowering his chest in a steady rhythm. It seemed that he was feeling cold though because as I stare at him unafraid of being caught now, I see that his body is racked with a shiver every few minutes, interrupting his peacefulness. "Yeh bhi na, apni shirt mujhe de di aur khud woh bheege the uska nahi sochte." Why does he always jump head in when he sees me in trouble, never looking out for himself. I bet he has gotten into more trouble since he met me. Always getting hurt and incurring losses because of me. Sometime I really don't understand him though. On one hand he is like this, and on the other hand he is a complete dusht danav. Dadimaa is right, like a nariyal. Taking today for example, I don't understand his behavior, dictating me so strangely, moving my hair, dragging me here and there, and then the funny accusation that I wanted to marry Bunty.
I walk over to the bed and grab the blankets from there, I needed to cover him up, make sure he did not catch a cold. I did not mean for such a small thing to escalate into an argument but such a thing he accused me of. As if I would ever leave him now. I did not mean to say some of the things I said but sometimes I seem to act so unlike myself when he is involved. My heartbeat was already so high from when he touched me to move my hair and then with the things he said in front of everyone, with me being his, only his, I was so flustered. I even cant believe the things I said as I was saying them, I don't know why I said them. Ok, maybe I do, I think I want him to tell me he loves me.
I feel like hitting myself on the head, with all the things he has said and done for such a long time now, did I really even need the words. No, I don't. Maybe I am just using that as an excuse, probably to fuel my own fear. I lay down the blankets on top him and bend down, kneeling beside him, I arrange the blankets around his body so that no cold air reaches him. Sitting down where I was kneeling, I tuck my legs near me and making sure that he was sleeping, I smooth my hand over his face to his brow which was drawn. Using my fingers I smooth out his brows and comb his hair out of his face, running my hand through his hair to soothe him. Pulling my hand back after a few minutes, I sit there looking at his face. Hoping to get the courage to answer him by the time he wakes up. I know I cant sit here for long, but I don't want to go yet, so I sit.

Ho, (Dil Hai Ke Manta Nahin)-2
Dil To Yeh Chaahe Har Pal Tumhe Hum
Bas Yunhi Dekha Kare
Marke Bhi Hum Na Tumse Judaa Ho
Aao Kuch Aisa Kare
Mujh Mein Sama Jaa, Aa Paas Aa Jaa
Hamdam Mere Hamnasheen
(Dil Hai Ke Manta Nahin)-2

As I keep looking at him, suddenly he turns his side, facing me now, one of his hands lands to close to where I was sitting and where my hand was resting. Startled out of my thoughts by his sudden movements, I know I have to move away and go to bed, I did not want to disturb his sleep and I really did not want to be caught. As I go to stand up I feel a hand on mine and looking up from where his hand is holding mine, I see that he is looking at him. Stopped in the midst of standing up, I feel a tug on my hand and in a moment I am sprawled on top of his chest, still looking at his eyes. My breath catches at his look. I feel his hand travel from my hand, towards his waist and slowly lower, pulling me against him. Now breathing heavy and trying to gain some type of sense, feeling his every muscle against me, I close my eyes to give me a moment to think.
Taking a breath, as deep as possible, I am surprised to feel the cold air hit me, quickly opening my eyes, I see that I am still sitting near him, with his hand touching me where it had landed when he had turned. Trying to stifle my gasp, I quickly pull my hand away from where its touching his and place it over my mouth. I cant believe what I was thinking. Getting up quickly, I walk towards the bed and lie down facing him. Using one arm as a pillow, I wrap the other around me to keep myself warm. From where I lie, I keep gazing at him, struggling to keep my eyes open as long as possible to keep looking at him but eventually I don't even realize when my eyes close, with his sleeping face the last thing which I remember. My last thought running through my mind, that tomorrow morning, I would tell him, no matter how much I was afraid, I will tell him tomorrow morning, when I wake up. I will do all it takes to keep us, an us.

Hum toh Mohobatt karte hai tumse
Humko hai bas itne khabar
Tanha humara muskil tha jeena
Tum jo na milte agar
Betab saanse Bechan Aankhe
Kehne laagi bus yahin
(Dil hai ki manta nahi)-2

I get up feeling warm and comfortable. It takes me a moment to realize that I was still on the floor in front of the fireplace. It takes me even longer to recognize the fact that I must have fallen asleep while waiting on my......on her to give me an answer. I feel the blanket around me before I rise to look at my surroundings. Where is she? I look around. First at the window and then at the rest of the room. There she is lying on the bed, curled onto herself. Looking down at the blanket, I realize that it was the same one which had been lying on the bed earlier. Geet, why does she never think of herself first. Yesterday she almost hurt herself trying to find the Manali file for she, in need to help me and today she is lying there, feeling cold so that I can keep warm.
I don't understand what it is with her, on one hand she says things like, this is all fake, I need to ask for her help, etc. and on the other she already fixes everything before I ask for her help, she treats me like the important person which she says I am to her, and she gives me her blanket when she should worry about keeping warm herself. When will she realize the she too exists, that she needs to take care of herself better, especially in her condition. I want to take care of her, the baby, always, if she allows me. I just want an indication that she feels the same way. Getting up, I grab the blanket and quickly walk towards the bed and drape the blanket over her curled form. Slowly tucking the blanket around her, I try to ease her into a more comfortable position. Releasing her grip from around her waist, I lay her hand down near her face. The look on her face, she seemed content, almost resolute, as if there was no remaining conflict inside her. I glide my fingers over her face, touching it delicately, so as not to wake her and rub them over her cheek. I can only hope, as I do this, that the decision is within my favor. From her actions, her eyes, I can say yes. I hope my confidence in that is not misplaced.
Intending to go back to the fireplace, to let her sleep, I ease back from where I am sitting on the bed. As I go to stand, I feel a tug on my hand. it's her, she is holding onto my hand. Looking up I see that she is still sleeping. Why is it always that in her sleep, she clings onto me the hardest. I wonder, if once we are together, she will hold onto me just as hard as what she does unconsciously. Trying to ease her grip on my hand, without waking her, I find that it is impossible to do. Maybe its because I never want her to let me go, whatever it may be, I let myself hold onto her, and holding her hand I sink down onto ground beside the bed. I dose off while sitting there. On and Off, in and out of sleep, I keep holding her hand, waiting. Soon I feel a tug on my hand again. She was turning her side, and with that turn she wraps my arm further on her. I lean over to try to keep up with the movement but I have to lean too much. There was even a less chance of freeing the hand now, so I carefully move over and onto the bed. Easing down next to her, I move my arm into a more comfortable position and laying down next to her, close my eyes to wait for morning.

Dil Hai Ke Manta Nahin - 2
Mushkil Badi Hai Rasme Mohabbat
Yeh Jaanta Hi Nahin
Oh, Dil Hai Ke Manta Nahin
Dil Hai Ke Manta Nahin

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comments are welcome and appreciated.
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inspiration: dil hai ki manta nahi title song
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Edited by blueangel13 - 14 years ago

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bluedreamz953

@bluedreamz953

Dazzler

+ 2

Posted: 14 years ago

This is so good..Your OSs are always great...thanks a lot yaar...

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Bulbul

@Bul3

Rocker

+ 4

Posted: 14 years ago

aw..this was BEAUTIFUL!👏

Edited by Bul3 - 14 years ago

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priza

@priza

Explorer

Posted: 14 years ago

beautifully written....the below line is amazing
I wonder, if once we are together, she will hold onto me just as hard as what she does unconsciously 👏