Bhula diya (OS).New VM added Page 4.

Bhula Diya

Naina Laggeyan Baarsihan
Tu sukke sukke sapne vi pijj gaye
Naina Laggeyan Baarsihan
Rove palkan de Kone vich neend meri
Naina Laggeyan Baarsihan
Hanju digde ne chot lage dil te
Naina Laggeyan Baarsihan
Rut birha de badlan di chhaa gayi

She was packing the remnants of things from the room that had been hers so briefly. She wonders whether it would was better to have left the first day, when they had returned from the durgah. Then she would not reached her realization, nor would she now have to carry heartbreak along with everything else that was braced on her shoulders. The love was even worse now because though she had not let him tell who it was that was in his heart, she knew he meant to say, "Geet". They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, if I am any more in love with him then what I am at the moment, I could not bear to live but live I have to for my child. God, give me the strength and though you cannot take my feelings from me, dull the memories that their sharp edges don't hurt so bad with time.

With tears rolling down pale cheeks and the room bathed in moonlight, because she could not stand the brightness of lights at moment, she finishes packing all the meager things that are hers. She still does not know what she will do without his hand holding hers, leading her, steadying her but she loved him and he was a good man, she could drag him into this. If he loved her, than he would not leave her in this condition and she could not bear his pain. So she had to leave, let him think she did not love him so that he could move on in life, love again, fall in love with someone who was more perfect. She decides to go the durgah once again before taking her things and leaving behind him, them. She had to pray for his happiness, and collect within her the dreams that she had uncontrollably dreamed.

Kaali kaali khaali raaton se
Hone lagi hai dosti
khoya khoya in raahon mein
Ab mera kuch bhi nahi
Har pal her lamha, main kaise sehta hoon
Har pal her lamha main khud se yeh kehta rehta hoon


Tujhe bhula diya, oh,
Tujhe bhula diya, oh
Tujhe bhula diya, oh
Phir kyun teri yaadon ne
Mujhe rula diya.. oh
Mujhe rula diya .

With hands braced on the mirror, he barely controls the urge to punch the mirror. He could not bear the image that was being cast in his reflection. It was mere hours away from the start of the party that daadimaa had organized for his surprise engagement. He was getting engaged to Pari and leaving behind the fantasy that had come into his mind when Daadimaa had mentioned marriage and Geet. Geet. He had told her that he did not remember her refusal and even that she should leave now that her job of finding him a fianc was over. Today there was no more reasons for her to stay and he had run out of excuses to keep her close, not when she cries when in my embrace. How will I bear to live in that house again, when every corner is filled with her. How will I bear with myself, when all of me is filled with her. How could I let this happen again? How? Why not learn from my first mistake? That one atleast I recovered from because I could see that it had been a farce from the beginning but this, when I can see that her soul, her heart belong to me, even her eyes convey her love to me, they why does she refuse and cry and hurt us?

No, I will not think of this. I will place her in the same place where I put my past mistakes, out of my mind and out of thoughts. Ironically how will I let go of her from my heart, my feelings, my soul. I need to stand firm in my decision to stay away, atleast now it will become easier with her leaving. Where will she go?. That can't be my problem, I wont let it become my problem, I cant, wont ask her to stay anymore. How could a girl I had only met 2 months ago, reduce me to this, a bitter, love sick man with tears in his eyes. No, I will give myself to my anger once again and I will forget her. I will forget her, no matter what. Not so long ago I had prayed for her to stay with me always, the dreams I had allowed myself and the thread which I had tied for us, around us, needs to untie, just like we are being untied.

Teri yaadon mein likhte jo lafz dete hai sunaai
beete lamhe poochhte hain kyun hue aise juda.. khuda,
Khuda mila jo yeh faisla hain
Khuda tera hi yeh faisla hain
Khuda hona tha woh ho gaya
Jo tune thha likha

Its raining again. Its funny, that the nature reads my soul so well. I cannot cry because it is not in my make and yet I cannot conceal my hearts sobbing. I am waking on my way to the durgah to untie the thread I had tied there. What's the point of praying for a wish that will not come true, that she refuses to let come true. She cannot bear my love, her words like ice daggers in my heart and she pushes me away, such force as if I was her enemy bent on giving her pain, when I actually had my heart on my sleeve, hers for all purposes.

The rain was making her remember again. The first rain with that conman. Her first rain with Him. The paths to the durgah seems so different today. Different because she is not running, with eyes only for him, instead they stretch on endlessly with no aim, no purpose. Maybe they are like her now, with purpose but without a destination. What am I thinking, roads and rain that reflect me? I had laughed at him for having no hope that rain but today I walk with the same hopelessness. Some of it may have been circumstantial, but I cannot help and think that I was to blame somewhere, especially for his pain. Maybe this was the fate that was written for them. She cannot help but wonder at what treads there are that keep them pulled towards each other and then keep pulling them apart.

Kaali kaali khaali raaton se
Hone lagi hai dosti
Khoya khoya inn raahon mein
Ab mera kuch bhi nahi
Har pal har lamha
Main kaise sehta toon
Har pal har lamha
Main khudh se yeh kehta rehta hoon
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Phir kyun teri yaadon ne
Mujhe rula diya oh
Mujhe rula diya

Once again I stand at the point where I had tied the threads from around my heart to the durgah, in the hope of her. She had laughed at me for not having wishes, hopes, then how can she give me all those and take them away so cruelly. As I approach the strand, my hand stills, still unwilling to let go, even when I had decided. It would count as funny, if it was not so painful how this small slip of a girl was the only one to have unknowingly defeated me so many times, that too when her opponent was my will. At first it was to not trust her, then to not admire her, then to not like her, then to not love her, and now not to remember her. I wonder how does one let go something like this, and I did not even have the time to linger because back home everyone was waiting with so many expectations.

That's what my life was once again, my name, my reputation, my grandmother, my ego, my hurt, my pain. No more smiles, laughing, love, un-whispered promises of contentment.

Naina laagiyan baarishan
Te sukke sukke sapne vi pijj gaye
Naina laagiyan baarishan
Rut birha de badlan di cha gayi

Trailing my hands along the walls of this sacred place, I try to linger with the memories that fill me. Memories of him, of us, of me when he with me. Inside here, I did not even have the rain to conceal my tears and my pain. Nor do I have him anymore to wipe them for me. If I am so used to his hand gently removing the tears from my face, my heart then how will I live on from this moment without him. I will survive though because I have to survive, to be strong, to face the world like he has shown me to. For my child. For him. For our memories. My knees unable to hold anymore, I sink down to the floor. Finally the pain breaks through and I decide to let it out, the hurt, this despair, the anger at my fate, so that I can release him from my hold and my wishes, and truly pray for his happiness.

Do pal tujhse juda tha
Aise phir rasta muda tha
Tujhse mein khone laga
Juda jaise hone laga
Mujhse kuch mera

He wonders why it is that all which he loves always leaves him. Am I so bad that they cannot bear to stay with me, to share with me my life, my sadness, my joys? I had not expected her, had not expected the reopening of my heart, then why god did you send her to me again and again, until the bitterness was washing away with her laughter. The my pain and anger, was awed and destroyed by her innocence and joy. No, No, No. Stop, no more her, no more this, please. Gripping my string so tightly, I go to untie the knot. Before my hand can even touch it though, it is stopped by the wrenching cries that seem to be echoing around everyone, stopping not only him but all those praying in their tracks.

Tu hi meri liye ab kar dua
Tu hi iss dard se kar de juda
Tera hoke tera jo main na raha
Main yeh khud se kehta hoon

Moving steps back, I turn around and walk off in search of the source of these cries. These cries that echoed so perfectly my own pain. If I could not console my pain, the one thing I could do was to go to this person and offer them any solace I could before I destroyed my dreams for the final time.

As wrenching sobs emerge from my body, I rock back and forth with eyes closed, unable to face the reality. I cry and cry more uncaring of anything, but the pain in my soul. I know, only with the pain out of me could I whole heartedly wish for his happiness, I could not allow anyone, even myself, to taint his future and his happiness. I don't know how long I cried, only that I cried until there was no tears left with me. Now, I only had to pray to God for his happiness before I could go back there and leave him forever.

As I reach toward the place where the sound is echoing from, to my surprise, its Her. Its was her cries echoing my soul. Its was her tears that had drawn me once again. I so wished to go to her, but did not think I could, how can I when I only cause her tears. I just stand there in the hall, a few steps away from her, looking on unable to move forward or go back. My breath stings me and I am unsurprised to feel an echoing pain at the back of my eyes. Nor am I surprised to feel the tears that run throw my eyes. As I see her eyes about to flutter open, I quickly move behind the column which partitions the walls, in hopes to see her for a few seconds more. Why does she cry so, did something happen, whoever or whatever did this will pay the price of bringing tears to her eyes.

"Babaji, give me the strength I need. Please give me the strength I need. I cannot live without him yet I cannot live with him. I have to stay strong, but this grief it brings me to my knees even now when I don't have any tears left. I cannot burden him with my past, I don't know if I could bear it. I cannot do this to him, not when he has been my strength. I need to think about the future but I cannot seem to move on even from a moment without him. Please give me strength to leave the one I love. Give me the heart to wish only for his happiness and let him not remember me, I cannot bear to cause him pain. Babaji, for the all the things I have said and left unsaid, take my love for him and be with him always, he needs someone to look after him. Be with my Maan always"

Tujhe bhula diya oh
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Phir kyun teri yaadon ne
Mujhe rula diya oh
Mujhe rula diya

I stand there clutching the pillar for support. She loves me. I was not wrong, she loves me. What can she not bear to tell me about herself, even the events in Hoshiyarpur did not make sense to me? Something must have happened there, that makes her so afraid to tell me. What knowledge there is that she cannot burden me with? Does she not know that I would not hold anything against her, I know her and I have seen her pain, I know she would not have been in the one in the wrong. I will find out. I will punish whoever has hurt her. I cannot, I will not let her go because of something in the past. Not when she loves me, not when our souls yearn for each other so. Its time I stop trying to forget. I clear the tear tracks from my face and stand straight. I will not forget, nor will I let her forget and let her go. She is praying for my happiness, then her prayers will be answered. I have not refused her yet, so why start now. She is my happiness, and I will get my happiness.

I go back to the thread which I had tied. Instead of removing the thread, I ties more knots on it. With each knot, I pray for her, I ask for her, I tie more bonds around us, so many that they would not separate for eternity. I walk out of there. I have a past to find and a bride to get, by all means possible.

-----------------------