Jokes - Page 119

husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price."

Arthur (Harley)Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love"

"PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.

"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.

When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!

"How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.

Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"

Good one Jas, Neths and Suram 😆😆

funny ones suram esp the one about the mix of gloves and panties!

CHINESE RESTAURANT WAITER'S WEDDING NIGHT 😳😳😳

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night,
She cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the near darkness.

He climbs slowly and gently into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.

You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.


A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try some ting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'


More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...


'You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa

vani 😆 i did not know you were that grown up! 😆 😆

A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak... "Father, I am going to marry!"

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila... "Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?"

"O'Brien" replies the son... "She's Catholic..."

"Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy," says the son. "I'm very happy."

"That is good. Ok...as long as you're happy.... my blessings to you both," replies Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Josef and Schlemiel...

Josef calls on his father the next evening, "Father... I too will be married soon!" Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises...

"What is her name," implores the father?

"Kazalopodopolous," says Josef, the son. "She's Greek Orthodox..."

"Oy," says Moisha... "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy, father...we have so much fun together."

"Ok... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha... Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray.. "Please God... let my remaining son Schlemiel marry a nice Jewish girl... to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes ... PLEASE! And he is so serious. God, Please send him a girl who will make him laugh!"

Not longer after, Schlemiel comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I have finally met a girl who makes me laugh! I am to wed in the spring!"

"Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?" his father immediately demands.

"Goldberg!" says Schlemiel.

Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Schlemiel, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?

"No..." says Schlemiel...

"Hmmm," says Moisha..."Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Hollywood?"

"Ah...no, father" says Schlemiel... "Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?

"Whoopi." says Schlemiel.