Chapter Twenty Two
He knows that it's only for two weeks, and yet parting with her…
She is chatting excitedly with her friends, happy to be finished the first year at KMA, finally about to become a second year cadet.
She will only be gone on holiday for two weeks, but in those two weeks…
He thinks about how recently it was that she hated him, how recently it was that she forgave him, and now when he finally has her back, he has to let go of her again.
The bus arrives to take them to the station and she goes to climb in, then hesitates. She looks around, searching for him. They have already said their goodbyes, but there is a question in her eyes, and he wonders… whether she feels the same pangs of separation.
He gives her one last final nod, which conveys everything he can't say in words, and giving him a final smile she climbs into the bus.
And Raj is not sure whether to hope that she feels this parting as he does, or that she remains innocent to it, happy, unawares…
May she never find out about his feelings for her, may she forever remain innocent.
Because he would never wish for her to feel the pain of this love like he does.
**
The morning that they are due to leave, Asha and Amiya get ready silently, without their usual jokes and laughter. They braid each others' hair, almost as a way of giving strength to each other, reassuring each other that they'll be together in this journey. They pause, looking at themselves in the mirror before they leave the room. Asha reaches out and hugs Amiya, knowing how nervous her normally cheerful friend must be feeling.
"It will be fine Amiya," she tells her, "We've already faced some combat here, and we're going there to be translators foremost."
"It's not the combat that I'm worried about…" Amiya tells her, "It's just that I'd gotten used to things here in Tawang, our friends… the routine…."
"Our friends will still be here when we get back," Asha tells her quietly, "And we will come back to them."
She remembers her promise, the one that Dhiraj had made her make, that she would come back safely… to him.
The last words almost send a shiver down her spine, because somehow it feels right that she should always return to him, always…
Amiya notices the far away look in her friend's eyes and knows what it is she must be thinking about. It had been perfectly obvious what had happened the night before when Asha had come into the room with cheeks flushed, looking self conscious. Amiya hadn't asked her, or even tried to tease her… all she could hope was that Asha was happy and would stay that way.
Her thoughts are interrupted by a knock at the door and Amiya crosses to open it, surprised to see Hussein standing there.
"Hussein you should've known we would've come to say goodbye to you." She tells him, "Are you sure you should be coming here when you're still recovering?"
"I can at least come this far," Hussein tells her dully, "Especially when I'm not going to be accompanying you both on such an important journey."
He walks into the room looking more upset than either of them have ever seen him. Asha had known this would be difficult for him, to let them go. She knows that he's extremely protective of both of them, taking his duties as a brother very seriously.
"If I could've come with you…" Hussein starts saying, but Asha just shakes her head at him.
"You know it's impossible, Hussein." She tells him, "Just concentrate on getting better, we want you fully recovered by the time we return."
"And besides Hussein, if you go with us then who's going to stay here and look annoy Captain Dhiraj and Captain Samir?" Amiya asks him with a mischievous smile, trying to make him feel better. "You know that their lives will be far too peaceful without us."
Hussein manages to smile back at this, although it is a week one. "Alright, both of you sit down." He tells them, "I don't know whether you believe in this… but it will make me feel better."
Murmuring prayers of protection he fixes a taweez around both of their necks, making sure that it hangs securely.
"And don't either of you dare to take it off before you arrive back." He informs them sternly, "Even I'm a bit superstitious."
Amiya has tears in her eyes and she throws her arms around him, hugging him tightly. "I'm going to miss you Hussein." She tells him, and he hugs her back just as tightly before turning to Asha.
"Don't worry about us at all," Asha tells him, also struggling not to cry, "Amiya and I were two of the best pass outs from our batch… just stay safe yourself, and…"
She can't finish the last sentence, hoping that Hussein will understand what she wanted to say. That he should keep an eye on Dhiraj, make sure that he's not falling apart. Because Asha knows, that there is a very real risk of that happening.
Hussein nods, and Asha hugs him fiercely, wondering how it is that her and Amiya will ever do without him. She blinks away the tears, refusing to let them fall. She will stay brave in front of him, even if he really knows what it is that she's feeling.
They all walk together in silence towards the point where they'll be leaving, not able to say anything due to their turmoil in their hearts. They have just started out when they notice Dhiraj and Samir coming towards them, obviously intending to say their last goodbyes.
Dhiraj looks as if he has been fighting a battle internally, his eyes tired from lack of sleep, his mouth set tightly as if trying to hide his distress. Seeing him, Asha's heart almost breaks, she wishes that she could disobey orders, stay here instead… be with him.
But she has always believed that duty comes first… and she knows that even he does too.
"We came to say goodbye," Samir tells them dully, his face is so open and honest that it's easy to tell that he's upset, even if he's hiding it better than Dhiraj is. "Of course it's just goodbye for a little while," he says almost as if to reassure himself, "A few weeks at most."
"Yes, a few weeks at the most." Amiya repeats, staring at him as if she's waiting for him to say something else. "We'll be back before you know it."
"Just… be careful." Samir tells her, his turmoil a bit more apparent now, then glances at Asha too who is still staring at Dhiraj. "Both of you." He adds, and the both nod.
Impulsively, Amiya hugs him, happy when he enfolds his own arms around her, warm and comforting. She briefly allows herself to lean her head against his chest before letting go of him. Noticing that Samir seems to be almost about to blush she quickly hugs Dhiraj as well, trying to cover it up. Dhiraj gives her almost a brotherly hug back, placing one hand on her head.
It is then that he looks around, to see if anybody is watching before he pulls Asha into a tight embrace, crushing her to his chest, his arms securely around her as if he'll never let her go.
"Remember your promise to me," Dhiraj whispers in her ear, and she nods, unable to speak, her head buried in his chest.
Then before he can lose control of his emotions, he lets go of her reluctantly, clutching her hand briefly before he steps away.
They continue their way to the departure point in silence, for Dhiraj at least it is almost impossible to speak, the emotions he feels choking his voice.
When they arrive they see all of the other departing soldiers already there, their friends standing with them, preparing to bid them a last farewell. Without thinking about it, Asha's footsteps take her towards where Colonel Sharma and Brigadier Chauhan stand, Amiya following her.
She salutes them both, and Amiya follows her example. "We'll make you proud, Sirs." She tells them, "We'll all return having completed our duties with honour and pride, successful in our mission."
Aalekh tries to speak but is choked up, unable to get the words out. He's sending her into danger, to a place where he won't be there to look after her, protect her. While he's done his best to remain optimistic, he can't help but feel afraid of what might happen. Losing her once nearly killed him, if he loses her again he'll never recover from it.
Sensing Aalekh's inability to speak, Abhimanyu steps in for him. "We know that you will, Lieutenants." He tells them both, "We'll be waiting to welcome you both back safe and sound."
"Be careful." Aalekh finally tells them, "Make sure that you don't take any unnecessary risks."
They both nod and when Asha looks at him, there appears to be a spark of something in her eye… a reluctance to part or perhaps a remembrance of it.
"Sir…" she starts to say, and then stops as if unsure of what it was she wanted to express. "Sir," she finally continues, "You don't need to worry about us, we'll come back to you just as we left you."
Aalekh nods, because he believes her. Hasn't she come back to him just as she left him once already? And this time… this time she doesn't have to come back from death, just the neighbouring country.
As the call comes for them to leave, Hussein hugs them both again, and Amiya gives a last wave and a half hearted smile to Samir, who tries to smile back but fails miserably, his worry clearly showing on his face.
It is then that Asha wishes she could reach out to Dhiraj one last time, feel him against her skin, draw strength from him. But here in the middle of a crowd it's impossible, so instead she has to be content with looking at him, trying to commit his image to memory. She has no photos of him… but somehow she knows that every time she closes her eyes she'll be able to see his face.
**
The first day that they arrived, it was obvious to see that they had come to a warzone. The atmosphere was entirely different to Tawang, and it was not an optimistic atmosphere. There was an air of defeat about the Bangladeshi soldiers, almost as if they had given up hope of winning. The wounded are too numerous to count, and Asha and Amiya purposefully avoid counting the freshly filled in graves.
It was obvious that they were losing the war, and losing it badly.
The arrival of the Indian soldiers gave a new breath of life to the camp, as if suddenly there was hope again, hope of not losing their country.
For the first two days there was no time to dwell on how much they missed those they had left behind, or to worry about the future. There was meeting after meeting of strategy and planning, rounds to be made of the camp to grow familiar of it and meetings with the local soldiers in order to get to know them.
It was on the third day… that Asha and Amiya finally went outside the camp, posted on the first mission that their soldiers would be attempting, to try to recapture a village currently held by the Chinese.
Neither of them was supposed to actively participate in the fighting, being there instead to help translate between the Indian soldiers and the villagers and local soldiers. However when the combat started there was no other choice than to use their weapons.
The fighting continued for sixteen hours before there was finally a breakthrough, the Chinese soldiers signaling a retreat. By this stage everybody was too tired to celebrate, only raising a half hearted cheer as they saw them leaving from a distance.
It was then that Asha and Amiya's real work began, reassuring the villagers, explaining who they were and what they had come from, helping to discuss future plans for the defense of the village to ensure it was not taken over again.
By the time they had finished, they had been awake for more than twenty four hours. The two of them collapsed in one of the tents hastily set up, not even bothering to wash themselves or change their clothes. Hearing Amiya sobbing, Asha put an arm around her, hugging her.
"It will be alright," she had whispered, "It's just the first day… it'll get better in time."
And too exhausted to say anything else, they had fallen asleep.
**
Samir had never seen Dhiraj in such a bad state before ever. The week that Asha had been suspended he had simply been frustrated, irritating. However ever since she had left this time he has barely spoken, has to be encouraged to eat and the strained expression on his face grows worse day by day as he struggles to keep his feelings under control.
Samir tries to help Dhiraj as much as he can, making him eat, sleep on time, and watching him carefully. Meanwhile he tries to cope with his own worry and fear and the fact that he is missing her… badly. He doesn't know when it happened, but at some point he became used to seeing her smile, laughing at her jokes, talking about their friends with her. And now he feels this fear for her and can not even tell her.
They haven't been able to contact them yet, every day they wait to be told that communications can be established and every day they're told the same thing, that the situation is not yet secure enough.
He is sitting in the canteen with Dhiraj, once again trying to get him to eat when Hussein walks in, and immediately heads towards their table, a slight smile on his face for the first time in days.
"Communications have finally been established," he tells them both when he sits down, "And I've booked a call to talk to both of them in an hour's time, we can all talk to them then."
Samir can't help the smile that comes on his face, and Dhiraj looks as if he's struggling not to cry with relief. He reaches out and grasps Hussein's hand gratefully.
"How did you manage it?" he asks, "I didn't even hear that we could finally contact them…"
Hussein shrugs at this, "Uncle Aalekh and Uncle Abhimanyu." He tells them, "They had promised me that as soon as we could contact their camp, we could be the first ones to make a call."
"And now an hour…" Dhiraj murmurs, "We have to wait an hour."
"Try to eat something in that time, Sir." Hussein tells him, a worried tone in his voice, "They're both going to be upset if they find out you're not eating properly."
"Nobody has been eating properly…" Dhiraj tells him, "Not you and not Samir either… we'll all sit down and have a meal now, just to make them happy."
And for the first time in days, he really does feel like eating something.
**
Hussein is the first to talk to them, reassuring himself that both of the girls are fine and that nothing has happened to them. They both sound exhausted, and when he asks they confirm that they've gotten very little sleep and have had to deal with far too much.
Finally telling them both to look after themselves, he passes the phone to Samir, having realised that it's probably best to allow Asha and Dhiraj to talk last so that they can leave them alone for some privacy.
Samir chats briefly with Asha before she passes the phone to Amiya, and when he hears her voice on the other end of the line a wave of relief passes through him. She still sounds the same, just tired… and perhaps there is something, a grief in her voice that was not there before.
"How are you?" he asks her, "Are you coping alright?"
"Not really." Amiya admits, honest as always, "If I didn't have Asha hear with me, then I could never survive here. I mean… we train so much, but then when it's the reality… nothing prepares you for that."
Samir knows exactly what she means, it had been the same for him the first time he had been sent to a wartime situation.
"I know that you're brave, Amiya." He tells her, "You can do this… it's only for a short while and then you'll be back here with us."
"You're right," she tells him, "I can do this… it's just… hard."
He swallows, his throat dry as he tries to think what to tell her, but what advice can he give right now when she's the one in danger and he's safely here?
"Just… keep yourself safe." He tells her, "And Asha too of course."
"I will," she tells him, "Don't worry, I'll be back in more time, you still need to bribe the kitchen staff for us so that we can go to make some more kheer."
Samir gives a short laugh at this, unable to believe that she's still joking at a time like this. "When you come back, I'll be happy enough to make the kheer myself." He tells her, and then on hearing her laugh on the other end of the phone is happy that he's been able to make her feel a little bit better. "I'll just pass the phone to Dhiraj," he tells her, "You take care."
"You too." She tells him, and he passes over the phone to Dhiraj, who for the last few minutes has been looking as if he can barely stand still due to the effort of waiting.
He only talks to Amiya briefly, who makes an excuse about wanting to get to sleep and passes the phone to Asha as quickly as possible.
Then the moment has finally arrived, and he knows it from the second she has taken the phone, that those are her breaths that he can hear faintly from the other end of the line.
"Hello," she tells him quietly, and Dhiraj looks around to see the Hussein and Samir have both left, obviously wanting to give them both some privacy.
"I miss you," he tells her, without bothering to say anything else first, "I miss you so much that I can barely breathe."
Once again she is stunned by his honesty, and there is a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line.
"I miss you too…" she tells him, "I kept thinking that if you were here with us, then…."
She allows the line to trail off, not sure how to finish it. Because she wishes that he was here to give her strength, to hold her when she's tired, and most of all, because when he's with her, she feels as if nothing could happen to her.
"Have they told you yet when you'll be coming back?" he asks her, desperate for an answer.
"No they haven't," Asha informs him, "But I think…. That at the very least it will be a month. At the moment they need us far too much, rely on us for communication with the villagers."
"And how is it going?" Dhiraj asks her, "How's the situation?"
"We're not losing…" Asha tells him, "But we're not winning outright either. We've had some victories since we arrived, but we've had losses of other territory too. Every time we win something, we seem to lose something else."
She sounds so tired… and he wishes that he could reach out and touch her, smooth her hair, encourage her to sleep in his arms or with her head in his lap. But all of these things are impossible, and all he can possibly do is encourage her.
"You'll have more victories soon," he reassures her, "There are more regiments on their way, even Pakistan and Sri Lanka are sending troops now. Once they arrive you'll have far more numbers than you do now… and maybe by then, you'll be able to come back home."
A silence stretches between them, as both think the things that they wish they could say. However the telephone is not the right place for some things to be said, and in the end they both decide to remain silent.
"I remember my promise," she finally tells him, "And nothing will stop me from fulfilling it."
"I won't let you break it either," he tells her, "Whatever happens, you have to come back…"
Back to him.
"We'll see each other soon." She promises him, "Sooner than either of us could think."
And he just hopes she's right.
Because he truly can't live without her.
**
Cricket
Anupamaa
272