Stupid, stupid woman. What the hell are you doing?' Khushi repeats the same two sentences (well! one and a half) inside her head for the umpteenth time. Berating herself for everything that is wrong with the world is her general state of mind. But today the wrong is not with the world but herself. She had gone from being uncertain and a near heartbreak to angry to defensive to understanding and finally to a self loathing human being in short span of an hour. The reason being Arnav, as it always is, these days. She over thinks the hell out of every little thing happening around her, irrespective of whether they directly affect her or not. And now after meeting Akash and learning that Arnav doesn't talk about being friends with her to his brother who once upon a time dated her bothered her to the point of wanting to run away to somewhere she won't have to think so much. She has been trying to figure out whether Arnav is keeping it a secret deliberately or being his usual recluse self who keeps things to himself. She had analysed the situation and her feelings which are all over the place. She had put herself in Arnav's shoes and tried understanding his ways of dealing with relationships, especially the one he shares with her. And she knew, Arnav had become centre of her universe. He could make her happy and take it all away the next instant, without even realising it. His choices, his decisions now have a say in her choices too. And that scared the hell out of her. She hates to be weak. She hates giving away her choice to be happy, to be sad. She hates how Arnav's one action, which might not even be conscious, made her feel. She hates how she judged Arnav even if for a second just because of her own fears. She hates herself.
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"I met Akash today. I asked him about you since I couldn't reach your number. He seemed surprised that I would ask about you."
She states without a premise as soon as she joins Arnav in the cafeteria.
"I didn't want to tell him about us. He still follows you around like a hypnotised puppy, for f**k's sake."
"What is us, Arnav?"
"I thought you knew, Khushi. Do I have to spell it out for you?
"Why?"
"Because you are asking me to." Irritation makes way to his tone.
"No. Why do you want us to be together? You said it yourself, the past will catch up someday. What do we do then?"
"Khushi, I want us to be together because everything is so easy with you. I know the circumstances are difficult but Khushi, when I am with you I am not confused. I do not feel ...different, from others. I feel wonderfully ordinary. It's like things are the way it is supposed to be. And our past, we will cross that bridge when it comes to that."
"Arnav, I.. I don't know."
"I guess it is not as easy for you as it is for me. I want to say I understand but I don't Khushi. I don't understand why you can never confront anything that you feel. Trust me when I say this, Gupta- Feeling worse is always better than feeling nothing. If you want to be certain, you can take your time or even say no outright. I am beyond regretting anything but I don't think certainty is going to save you. Or anyone for that matter."
The light in his eyes is gone, so is the comfort in his stance. Khushi wants to go for a run. Run till her lungs burn, till her feet hurt. Till she is numb. What Arnav is asking of her is the proverbial forbidden fruit and she knows she is doomed.
"No, I don't need time."
He looks up at her, nonchalant.
"Arnav, I do want to be with you. You have been the only person in my life I felt normal with. Even when we had Shishi around and I..."
Khushi stops as she realises what she is saying and about whom. She dares not, to look directly at Arnav. Shishi was a toddlers substitute for Aidashisha, too long a name to pronounce correctly. Khushi's Shishi.
"Yeah, I know. You seemed pretty abnormal to me back then. What with eating tons of Jalebis and running around the whole neighbourhood for no reason. It was for your Shishi I tolerated your presence in the house.
The surprise in Khushi's face is legit and the disbelieving "Huh?" that escapes her lips unconsciously.
"Yeah, I thought you were crazy. I told Ma what I thought about you. It was her who loved you to bits. Though I can't, for the life of me, figure out why. You were such an annoying kid."
Realisation hits Khushi, as she goes back to what Arnav said earlier. It is easy. Yes, with him and her it is easy. Easy to remember anecdotes of their lives when days were sunny and the world was not indifferent to happiness or sufferings. Easy to talk about a mother who died for nothing. Easy to laugh at fond memories of past even when the nightmares cripple the future. She can feel her eyes brim with emotions, bittersweet.
"Khushi, are you crying because I said I thought you were crazy? Man! How did I even think this was gonna be easy."
"Arnav shut up and finish your tea. Then we get out of here."
"What? Khushi what's wrong.."
As Arnav finishes his sentence, Khushi drags him by his hand. She doesn't know where she wants to go but the happiness in her heart and the relief flooding her can't be contained in the small room of cafeteria. She wants to run and feel the wind in her hair. She wants to laugh till all the happiness inside her mingles with the air. She laughs as she runs dragging Arnav along in empty street of the university. She doesn't care what people would think if they saw her.
"Stop running, stop dragging me. I was wrong, Khushi. I still think you are crazy."
"Yeah? Let's go have Jalebis. I haven't had one since forever."
Bade Achhe Lagte Hain
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