New Beginnings
I sat watching the candle shimmer, giving a graceful light to the beautifully decorated table. I sat for hours waiting for the chair in front to be occupied by the person I love yet, another disappointment. I finally leave the space, walking in the dark towards the cold bed that awaited me.
I had slept off thinking about the memories that were slowly fading away. Memories that once made me smile were starting to build an ache in my heart. I know it is difficult to accept that God had taken our most precious thing away but I was making an effort. I was trying to build new memories but indifference was all I received. I closed my eyes to contain the sudden tears brimming through.
****
I entered the room quietly hoping not to wake her up. I know she was waiting but I couldn't bring myself to face her. I wasn't angry at her but the pain in her eyes was too much to bear. No matter how much I try, I just can't forget the loss of our little bundle of joy. I recognize her efforts to make us feel better but her fake smiles and numb eyes make me realize the agony of our situation.
I quickly change and lay down facing the ceiling when I hear the silent sobs. I turn my head towards her and my heart wrenches to see her shoulders shake. I head out to the poolside, not in rage but because I am irritated. She gets up and walks to the closet. I turn around hearing the special locker open. I walked closer to see what she was doing. Suddenly I gasped as I knew exactly what she was taking out.
****
Khushi and Arnav were married since two years. They lived in a beautifully decorated apartment located on the top floor of one of the tallest New York City sky scrapers. The walls were filled with pictures of their love. The apartment vibrated with happiness and warmth. They had recently decided to start a family. Soon, Khushi announced that she was expecting and a small party was thrown for close friends and family. Everyone was happy. Until that one fateful day when everything changed.
****
Followed by Arnav, I walked to the bed, taking a deep breath and sat down. Slowly my hand raised and touched the words on the title page "Our Baby Book". Arnav had purchased the book when I told him I was pregnant. It had everything recorded; the first ultrasound to the first kick. I turned each page absorbing every little detail, a faint smile appearing every now and then. I turned to the last page baby's first day' and a tear fell.
****
Khushi sat there as if she had lost her sole reason for her existence. It had been a month since the baby left. How much has changed in such less time? I closed my eyes remembering the rueful events of the day. It was a day that left me shattered; the news had shaken me to no end. I had lost everything and was on the verge of losing Khushi too. All my power and money felt useless that day. I didn't want to act different and be an insensitive jerk. I could understand the pain she was going through; but couldn't she understand the pain I was going through seeing her in this vulnerable state? I had to make a quick decision.
****
Doctor: Mr. Raizada you need to let us know your verdict quick. We don't have much time. You need to make a choice between who we should save; your wife or your baby?
Arnav stood there shocked and shattered. He never expected himself to be standing in such a situation and then whispered Khushi, my wife'.
The doctor nodded and left, asking Arnav to fill the formalities and the nurse to prepare the operation theater.
Arnav slowly slid down the wall, shattered! He remembered all the beautiful moments of the baby.
****
He opened his eyes to see Khushi missing from the bed and the book lying there. He was about to go look for her, when she returned this time holding a box. She opened it and took out a picture. She kissed the picture and stuck it into the baby book.
Arnav took a deep breath and sat next to her on the bed. She shifted slightly but her eyes were glued to the picture she had just inserted in the last page. It was a picture of their baby. Arnav melted; he remembered when the picture was taken.
****
The door to the operation theater opened and the doctor came out. I dreaded hearing the news but stood up to listen.
Doctor: We have saved your wife, Mr. Raizada but I am sorry the baby only has a few hours left. Mrs. Raizada will soon be gaining conscious and then you can go meet her and the baby.
I looked through the little window in the door and saw Khushi lying with tubes and wires attached to her fragile body. Her previous bulging stomach now a bit flattened. I looked around to see the little baby lying in a small cradle.
I walked inside and picked the little bundle up. She was beautiful; cute little nose and oval shape face just like Khushi. She opened her tiny eyes and I was stunned, she had my hazel eyes. She was breathtaking. I turned towards Khushi now staring lovingly at me and the baby.
Arnav: Did you see her? She is beautiful! She is going to get all the boys on their knees. She is so tiny, look at her hands. Oh, and her feet. I'll give her all the happiness of this world. I'll fulfill all her wishes before she even says it. I won't ever let her go anywhere. She can ...
And then I remembered, remembered what the doctor said. My baby only had a few hours. My baby was going to go far away. She will leave me and Khushi. I won't be able to hold her ever again. And then a tear trickled down and fell on the baby's face. She scrunched her nose and then raised her small hand to my cheek. A stream of tears flowed down my eyes. Khushi had also started crying hysterically.
Arnav sat down on the bed hugging Khushi. Tears were gushing down both their cheeks.
Khushi: Arnav, I know she has very little time but I want us to make a minute an hour and an hour a day. I want to remember her. I want her to be always in our memories. Please, take a picture.
****
After getting discharged from the hospital, Arnav appointed a nurse for Khushi. Every time he looked at Khushi, he only felt her pain. She would try to hide her ache but he could see right through her faade. He remembered telling Khushi that he never wanted to see the picture as it only reminded him of their loss and his life's most difficult decision.
****
After that devastating day, Khushi had begged Arnav for another baby but he outright refused. He never wanted to be put in that situation again but now he regretted his decision. He just didn't want any of them to go through the emotional pain if something went wrong.
****
It had been two weeks and everyday Arnav died a new death looking at Khushi's miserable face. Finally, he decided to give up. He walked over to the sofa where Khushi sat crouched down, face hidden in her knees. He touched her arm and instantly felt her hug him tightly, burying her face in his neck. His skin burned with pain where her tears dropped non-stop.
Khushi: I am so sorry, Arnav! Only if I had been more careful, this would've never happened. It's my fault. I killed her, I am sorry!
Arnav was shocked. He never thought she would blame herself for this. He should've talked to her before. He soon realized his mistake and decided to completely take away all her sorrow.
Arnav: Shh, it's okay. It wasn't meant to be. It is not your doing. I am sorry for ignoring you all these days. I just couldn't bear to see your pain. But we'll make this better now, together!
Khushi: I want this pain to stop. It hurts a lot! Please, Arnav!
Arnav: I want it to stop too.
He took a deep breath and knew he had to do this; for her, for him, for them! It was time to tell her his decision.
Arnav: Khushi, I am ready for the baby.
Khushi looked up and Arnav could see the long lost twinkle return. He nodded at her silent question. He really meant it but there was a condition. He still wasn't ready enough to fully accept her request.
Arnav: But ... we will adopt one! I am never going to put you through the risk of losing your life again.
Khushi's smile froze. She hadn't expected this. The thoughts rushed through her mind. She was angry. She was irritated. How could Arnav even suggest something like that?
Khushi: I want my own child, not someone else's abandoned baby. Plus there are so many other options. We can do in vitro fertilisation or we can get a surrogate mother. What will everyone think? No one would love the baby, not even me perhaps. We won't even know the baby's parents? What if the mother did drugs? What if the father was a criminal? What if the child turns out to be an addict? No, I can't see people pointing fingers at me.
Arnav was taken aback with her questions. He never thought she would think like that. He held her shoulders and shook her hard, trying to bring her to senses.
Arnav: How could you, Khushi? You never cared about what people thought around you. We will be the parents. We will raise the baby up. It doesn't matter who gave birth, we will be his real parents.
Khushi: But ...
Arnav: No, you only have two options; either adopt a child or no child at all.
With that said he stood up and furiously marched away. The night had once again brought a gap in their bed. Khushi thought all night and reached an impasse. She couldn't decide anything. On one side, she feared the society and on the other side, she wanted to give it a try; for her and for Arnav.
The cloudy night passed and sun shone through the window, bringing a shining day. Arnav woke up and stared at the beautiful, innocent face in front of his eyes. Khushi twitched feeling the sun rays poking. Arnav suddenly remembered last night's argument and instantly got up to get ready for office. While he showered and got dressed, Khushi made breakfast. She made his favourite cheese omelet and knew he wouldn't be able to ignore her anymore. Arnav stepped outside the bedroom and inhaled the delicious smell of his favourite cheese omelet. He smiled and headed towards the table but seeing Khushi, turned the other way and walked to the door.
Khushi: Arnav, look what I made? Your favourite ...
Arnav: I have an early morning meeting and I am running late.
As he turned the lock open, he felt her crash into his back and securely grip him.
Khushi: I am sorry for how I acted yesterday. It was all of a sudden. I didn't mean any of it.
Khushi: I am sorry for how I acted yesterday. It was all of a sudden. I didn't mean any of it. You know how much I love young ones. They take my heart away. I am really sorry, Arnav. I... I want to adopt a child.
Arnav: really? I am so happy Khushi. I knew that wasn't you. I am sure you'll love the child like your own. We will give him everything. He would never feel adopted. Oh, I am so happy. Thank you so much Khushi. I love you, honey.
Khushi: I love you too. Now go or else you'll get late.
Arnav: No, I don't want to go anymore. Let's go get the baby first. We will have to choose a name too. I would make him play football. I would take him horse-ridding. I would ...
Khushi: excuse me? We are adopting a girl. I can dress her up, put clips on her hair, buy her lots of frocks, and so much more.
Arnav: But we already had a daughter. I think we should get a little boy now.
Khushi: daughter? But she isn't ...
Arnav: She'll always stay with us, Khushi. No one can ever replace her, our cute little bundle of joy.
And with that, they headed out for a new beginning.
The End
Arjun
43