Smitar's: Loving Khushi#4 link to #5 on Pg 1 - Page 43

Originally posted by: rulama

Smita,😊

Here is the interpretation to Section B of Part 11.

This update is about reasons, reasons that had not been taken into consideration but there being strong evidence than the previously accepted one, A FORTIORI.

Unable to keep silent anymore, Arnav filled with anguish, penitence, regret, guilt, self-reproach, in a low voice that was a mere whisper asked her, will she leave him and go? Hearing the pain in his voice and grief in his words, Khushi rushed to him and sank to the floor by his side. She caught hold of his hand and pressed his fingers in hers showing that for a certainty she does value him and his being with her. She pleaded with him, asking him not to think that she is moving away from him in anger. As he looked down into her honest eyes she tried to explain, pausing many times to collect her thoughts. She began giving her reasons saying, in the past one and a half years primarily, she does not even know what was happening in her life. Clutching her head with both the hands, she said, it had been caught up in an unstoppable juggernaut. The last thing she remembers as taking her own decision in her life was, to wear the pearl jhumkas with the green lehenga for her Jiji's marriage. Feeling helpless, she looked at him and said, after that her life went out of her hands. She lost control over everything. It was like she had got on to a roller coaster and it was a rough ride. Her life just went out of her control and she was steam rolled into doing things that she certainly had never even dreamed off.

Leaning her head against his knee, she smiled and said above all she remembers, ladies' dancing with zest, Buaji singing in full throttle, while her Jiji was getting dressed and she helping her. The smile slowly faded when she recollected what happened next. Then, they heard her Amma and Babuji talking about the new demand for more dowry, consequently Babuji's decision to pawn their Satwik Mishtan Bhandar, leading to Amma's anxiety, Jiji's tears... Tears choked her throat as she recalled the events that changed the course of her life. Arnav feeling her panic and helplessness placed his hand on her head, in an attempt to comfort her. She told him that hearing their talk she had panicked; it was like the sky falling on her head. But it was paramount not show it to her Jiji. What would Jiji do if her Khushi became upset when Khushi was her strength, her pillar to lean on, one person she could depend on? So Khushi particularly, could not afford to be seen upset. Khushi had to put on a smile always and find a solution to all the problems. So, like always, she had to find a way that time too. As tears pooled in her eyes, Arnav tried hard to blink back his own. Her arms wrapped round his legs, hugging it close to her heart as though it was her tower of strength.

Accordingly, she did the only thing that she could think off and taking the milk scooter, rode to Sheesh Mahal to set things right for her Jiji, even though she could not ride that scooter well, even though she was not aware of what she was going to tell when she met the groom. But like everything else on that day things turned out differently! Someone pushed her on to the stage... Khushi paused and looked at his face and told him that, then, she met him. And that was the moment that her life that was comparatively calm and placid was kicked awaken and began hurtling forward at a tremendous unthinkable speed down the steep hill. It was like being thrown into her doom with the speed ever increasing. It had scared her. As she recalled, a tear slipped down her cheeks, only to be wiped by Arnav with the pad of his finger. She told him, from that moment to this moment, she had no control over her life. So many things kept happening, one after the other that she was steamrolled and flattened by the weight of it ... Before she could deal with one problem, hundreds of problems poured on her from all directions till it mired her in it so much, that she could not make out whether she stood up or upside down, in main, she was at a loss not knowing what was happening at such breakneck speed. Arnav understood what she meant and nodded while thinking that, his blow hot blow cold behavior had not helped but had all the more increased her confusion, her panic, her problems... With his often change in ideas and behavior that were quick and frequent, she must have got one hell of a vibe, more than ever uncertain about what it really meant.

She confessed that, even if she wanted to she does not have a place to think or cry. Arnav unable to comprehend what she meant, frowned. Khushi told him that in Buaji's house, if she shuts the door and sit on her bedroom for a moment, Buaji, Amma, or Jiji would knock on the door. She did not have the luxury to be able to think quietly, or even shed tears in private. On Diwali night, when she had felt low and wanted the earth to open up and swallow her in, she had locked her room to cry. When the tears had just started to roll in, Buaji had hollered out and chastised. She had to give in and got engaged to Shyam. As she told him, he could infer the state of her mind, a mass of turbulence, clearly agitated. Arnav comforted her by patting her head, softly and silently, but he himself felt extremely unsettled realizing that she was being compelled by a stronger reason than what he had presumed. She looked into his eyes and told him that, she had been to the bathroom, to think in peace as to where she stood in her life, where she was, what was she doing, where her life was going. But before she could even evaluate herself, Buaji's knock had come about. Even in his house, though it is a huge mansion, it lacked privacy. There was not a nook or cranny where she could cry to her heart's content, except, the bathroom or maybe the cupboard, if she dumped out the things inside. Even the terrace, was always pervaded by someone or the other. If any member of the family was not there it would be Hari Prakashji hanging clothes to dry. If she sat in the bedroom, some one or the other would call her. The poolside, the living room, the kitchen all lack privacy, without giving her a moment of peace or quietness enough to contemplate... By inference, there is no space to think. Arnav nodded as he understood her dilemma. The word 'privacy' did not exist in the dictionary of the Raizadas'. He himself had that experience and had often felt like a specimen in a bottle. She told him her heartfelt feeling that she was tired, too tired to think of anything. She was tired of smiling, tired of pretending to be happy, tired of trying so hard to be everything to everybody, tired of living up to everybody's expectations, tired of disappointing everybody, tired of making everyone cry. Just plain tired, that was what she was. Thus, she wanted to go away, far away, where nobody knows Khushi, Khushi Kumari Gupta, Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada, or Khushi Arnav Singh Raizada's past. She wanted to go incognito, without any baggage, without any interference, without being held with emotional blackmail. She especially wanted just space, space to connect with her.

Khushi looking with earnest eyes into Arnav's eyes and said from the depths of her heart with profound despair, that she does not want to stay there anymore. She was tired of feeling like a third wheel, an outsider, and a burden. When Amma and Babuji adopted her, Babuji's mother was very angry and resented her presence amidst them. She grew up listening to her grumble about her, throwing curses at her, scolding her for everything under the sun. Every wrong thing was heaped on her head as her fault. It had been 14 years, and even now, she does not feel a sense of belonging neither in Laxmi Nagar nor in his house. For a certainty, she was tired of trying to make a space for herself. She was tired of standing outside and looking inside at other people being happy. She was tired of feeling detached at her unhappy circumstances. Over and above, she was fed up of stoic acceptances. Her words brought in a fresh bout of pain making him shut his eyes.

She told him that, she has to go away to enable herself, to find her own place where she belongs to. Still more, she wants to get in touch with herself, where she is and what she is, where she wants to be and what she wants to be. She wants to start afresh. She wants to think, cry, smile at will without having to use a mask to hide herself and have the face of a Smiling Buddha. Mainly, she wanted to know who the real Khushi was. What was she without her Jiji, Amma, Babuji, Buaji, him, and the family there? As Arnav moved by her words cupped her face, she told him that, she was twenty two years old, and other than the fact that she likes aloo and puri and loves her family, she knows very little about herself. She was scared. Scared that one day she would just dissolve into vapour and merge in to the wind, and even she would not know where she was and what she was. She needed to find her identity. She needed to be in peace with herself. She needed to find solace by herself. For she knew her inner strength was the only thing that could give her the required solution and that was the only thing that would stand by her. She also knew, that would help her to see her future path correctly. So, in order to have a future she needed to seek it. That, she could not do amidst all the clutter and people, as her thoughts were always crowded by them. It was like seeking to meditate in the Victoria Terminus. That was, all the more reason for her to go away.

While Arnav wiped her face dry of the tears that she had shed, she looked into his caramel eyes that had darkened, understanding the storm of pain and insecurity within her, she beseeched to let her go to Varnasi. Arnav nodded and agreed with her, that if she felt so, then she should go to Varnasi. In a soft and low voice he murmured, for a certainty, wherever she went she would have carried him in her heart, making Khushi look at him. She asked him, had they not met, had they not gone through the inferno together, does he think they would... they would...? and stopped short. Arnav completed her question saying, love each other so much? With a smile he stressed that, he thinks that for a still stronger reason, they still would have, but it was not essential for her to take his word for it. She has to take the chance to find out. As Khushi gave him a surprised look at hearing his words agreeing with her, he continued, that she should take up that job at Varnasi if she wants to and as it was a boarding school for girls, she would be safe in the school premises. Khushi was stumped by his answer, and he left her all the more wide eyed, when patting her cheek he asked her, to let him take her there and settle her in and then, he would explain everything to their families. They could keep in touch over the phone. Gathering her in his arms, taking in her sweet intoxicating perfume, lips savouring the softness, he whispered against her cheek, that he loves her and he knows that she loves him. He knows, that she would realize it too and come back to him. For that, he was ready to wait. When Khushi whispered back, what if she does not come back? Arnav with a small smile tugging his lips told her, then he would build a cottage near her window and spend his life looking at the piece of moon by that window, and try to quench his thirst from afar. Khushi nudging him in the stomach, mock censured by asking him to remember, that he is Arnav Singh Raizada, not a weakling like Devdas, making Arnav crack up and his mirth made her join him. What Arnav meant was by even greater force of logic and all the more so because of it with 'me-time', she would be able to find by herself, who she was and where she stood in her life. It would be as his other half, the better half and she stood incomplete without him as he would be. For, they were bound together for their lifetime and by marriage she was his ardhangini. But that, the meaning of the vows she took with him, she had to find it out by herself. Only then would she be able to satisfy both her heart as well as her mind and come to him.

That is why this is titled A FORTIORI, from a yet stronger reason.

"Someday everything will make perfect sense, so for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason"

~ John Mayer.

That's it from me. Hope you enjoy it.

Originally posted by: smitar

Mere samne wali khidki mein, ek chand ka tukda rehta he!😉

Beautiful, Rash! Khushi needs some 'me-time' desperately.😃

Smita