Smita,😊
Here is the interpretation to Section 2 of Part 7.
This update is about reason or purpose. Hence it is titled Raison d'etre.
Why have I titled it so?
It is because a person's raison d'etre is their purpose or reason for living. It's why they do things.
In French, raison d'etre literally means "reason for being," and in English it means about the same. Someone's raison d'etre is the most important thing to them.
As Arnav heard Khushi question, then what is love, he was at a loss for words to describe his notion of love. He looked at her beautiful face. Her cautious eyes, and her smiling lips were conveying two different things. Her nosepin glittered catching the stray beam that fell on it in the dim night light. Arnav opened his lips to answer her hoping the words would flow from it, for he was a man of few words. Moreover, words came to him with great difficulty and that too right words at the right time was a tough proposition. He wondered how to answer her! As Khushi reclined on her pillow, he noted that her face reflected her inner fear. He observed the fear on her face, the rapid movement of the pulse at the base of her throat, her heart beats seen by the rhythmic movements of her ribcage, her breathlessness... He saw the eagerness to hear his answer written in her eyes, so also was her fear of what his answer would be. This was his motivation. To put her mind at ease was the rationale behind him opening up to her. It was also the need for absolution in her eyes.
The words fell from his lips of their own accord. His explanation began with, when he first saw her, it touched a chord in his heart. His heart tugged at the beauty before him. His words were out of blue for Khushi and made her stare. He continued to say, that her eyes, her tremulous lips, the feel of her in his arms... were all getting stamped in his heart. Images of their meeting in Sheesh Mahal filled the air between them. Arnav disclosed that he was angry with himself for finding her attractive. He thought she was there, as a part of a plan of subversion, to spoil his event. That was the reason he was angry with her. Moreover, it was Sheesh Mahal where he had witnessed terrible tragedies in his childhood. The place itself was a mausoleum of bitter memories. When she spoke of Di's wedding getting cancelled, she had struck a raw nerve, wherefore, he had lost control as her words brought in bitter memories that he had tried to forget and had shelved in a far corner of his memory. It had added fuel to the flame. Arnav dropped a kiss on her hand and pressed it to his heart showing her how precious she was to him. He told her that all he could do, was think of her all the time and he had never undergone such feelings. Her thoughts had occupied his mind so much that it had distracted him from his work, a phenomena that he had never encountered earlier. Khushi, gently nodded trying to see from his perspective. Then, came the dargah incident. The more he tried to push her out of his mind, the more she appeared before him. He was unable to grapple with the queer behavior of his mind and his heart. Both were at loggerheads. While he was glad to see her, he was angry with himself for feeling glad. He was also angry with her for gladdening his heart with her presence. Arnav buried his lips in her palm, while it quivered in his grasp. He told her that on account of not being able to get her out of his head and could not punish himself, he did the next best he could. That was to punish her. That was the logic of his belief, that punishing her was the right thing and he had punished her. By airing the clip, his aim was to push her away. His warped sense of righteousness had not taken into consideration of its consequence on her. He never thought that it would lead to upheaval in her life. All he wanted was to retaliate at her verbosity, quelch her guts. It was to make sure that she never came anywhere around him. As Khushi looked at him he confessed, that he had got back to Delhi to work, to his family, his safe haven! He had thought that he was safe and was justified in doing so. And when she had rammed her scooter into his car he just could not believe his eyes! Again her presence had him in turmoil giving him the needed excuse to push her away.
He had tried to push her away once more and then she had turned up at his office. The more he tried to send her away by using contract, making her life impossible, the more firm were the roots of thoughts on her getting entrenched in his mind as well as his heart of which he had no inkling then. Khushi waited for him to continue. At the photoshoot, he was so captivated that he had to resort to punish both her and himself by pushing her away. And then came the night in the rain at the carpark.. He was unaware of what was happening inside him. He was feeling all crazy due to the unknown feelings that the thought of her evoked in him, that her proximity provoked him to. His whole world was being consumed by her thoughts and actions. This had never happened to him before eventhough he worked amidst beautiful women. The night at the guest house she had fainted. He had hurt her. As he stood with her lying in his arms, he could let himself look at her to his heart's content, freely, without her being aware of it. It was as if the world had been given to him and the world held just the two of them, a man and a woman, two free people, free of their pasts, free of expectations, free of the world and all its bindings. So saying, Arnav cupped her cheek, even now feeling, that in his private world that they were the only two who existed and that was what he was craving for. Moving ahead he told her that he had not wanted to take her to her Buaji's house. He had felt like taking her to a world of their own, where they could start all over with a clean slate.
Once he had opened up his heart, words came to him fast and furious, his anguish, and his panic making him cross the threshold and share his feelings with her. He stated, flying away from all the cares and be just the two, was what he could not do for he was Arnav Singh Raizada, and she was Khushi Kumari Gupta, on whom he had no claim. He gave her a glimpse of his principles. She had a family waiting for her. So the only thing that he could do was what he did. He took her to her house and laid her on her bed that had stars hanging all over from it. He had not wanted to leave her there, but he had no other option. Saying, when he was leaving, he paused. Khushi looked at him with a curiousity as to what he would tell her and when he simply said, that she had pulled him back, her eyes opened wide. He enlightened her saying, that she had her fingers curled around the lapel of his jacket, as though his feelings had felt an echo in hers, that night. He told her that she would never have the idea of how hard it was for him to leave her there. Kissing her forehead in an effort to comfort her as well as deriving comfort from it, he said that as he stood outside by the window, he had watched Buaji tender to her wounds with such loving care, making him realize that she had people who cared for her, loved her and he had left the place feeling bereft, carrying just the hurt, her broken bangle had given him, as he hurt her.
Cupping her face with his palms, he said that when she gave the resignation and left, he was extremely annoyed, as all she had shouted at him were though true, he had not wanted her to go. He had wanted her in his office for the remaining two weeks and he was looking forward to seeing her. He was beset by her thoughts at all waking hours and in dreams too, giving him no respite. And then, on Teej, she had dashed into him sprinkling him with sindoor and his eyes were glued on to her. Seeing her stand in front of him was by itself a bonanza. It was as though his secret wish had come true. Seeing her, he had fervently hoped that she would not get a rickshaw after the pooja, that would give him a chance to drop her back home. Saying, but.., he paused. Khushi felt her mouth go dry, as dry as desert dust. He carried forward his account of all his feelings saying, that evening, at the temple, he had carried her to the bench after she had swooned and revived her with water. He was unaware of her keeping the vrat. Even when she was angry with him, for breaking her fast before the pooja, he was so engrossed in watching her, having her near him, his heart had soared feeling as though it was the homing in of somebody dear to him. This feeling, of meeting after a long time sprouted in him, even though they had met that morning. If he could, he would have made the time stand still, and all he wanted was for her to faint again to enable him to carry her to a place, safe and sound with just the two of them, shutting the world out. When Lavanya forced him to give her the sweet and he saw her distress, her shock, it had given him a strange pleasure to see her upset and it was a palliative that he welcomed.. Hearing his words, Khushi dropped her chin down with utter surprise! He carried on forward saying that it meant he was not the only one engulfed by the waves of need, the longing that was gnawing inside him. Arnav kissed her frown away as soon as it made an appearance and said, that it was a fight between his common sense and belief. He had never believed that love existed and had looked at the institution of marriage with disdain. He had felt that even if love existed, it was just a weakness for a pretty face, a weakness that would waver, just like the phases of the moon, waxing and waning, and with time, cease to exist. His only solution to it as he felt was to push her out of his mind as he could not do anything in peace, be it eating, sleeping or working. Her face as she cried in the store room, as she pulled the dupatta off him kept popping up in his mind. Each and every nuance of hers was etched in his mind and was bombarding him with images relentlessly. It was too much for him to bear and he felt that he needed to get out of this madness. Khushi could see the trauma on his face as he said that was the reason for him to invite Lavanya to stay. It had never crossed his mind before and bringing her into his house was the act of a desperate man who was drowning in a maelstrom of emotions that were impelling him with their magnetic pull. It was the act to get a hold on himself to stop himself from crossing his limits with her. It was the act to anchor himself away from the shore that was Khushi. As he said these words, he kissed her fingers that were in his warm clasp and held her hand to his heart.
Khushi was taken aback by his next set of words! He asked her to imagine his dilemma while he felt furious and delight as she turned up at his house on Di's anniversary party, his feelings of happiness, helplessness and resentment when she was brought in to train Lavanya. He admitted to Khushi his flawed thinking, like a wild thing suddenly aware that it was caged, had responded to the situation by resorting to anger and insults. All those were infact a pretext to cover his feelings for her. They were not meant for her, but were for him. He defended that his anger was directed at his weakness for her. He had not understood why it had been so. He could not comprehend why he was so immersed in her thoughts, in her words, in her smile. He had wondered why he could not swim out of the whirlpool of her beauty, her goodness, her childishness, her laughter' Each time he had hurt her, he hurt himself more. Seeing the hurt on her face, had seared his heart, the tears in her eyes had scalded him, it had killed him. He could not bear it. But he did not understand why he could not bear it.
Khushi had a difficult time to maintain her semblance of normality. She tried to keep tears from pooling in her eyes. She could feel his heart race under her palm. He forged ahead saying, that his heart raced each time he saw her. He could sense her presence in the room even before he saw her. He was aware where she was all the time, even when he was not looking at her. He had almost stopped going to the office, just to see her, be with her, be in the same house as her. His words broke into her resolve and slowly a tear glistening like a pearl drop made its way down her cheek. Arnav wiped it away with the pad of his thumb. It was an argument that touched her heart. He said, Diwali night marked the very nadir point, the worst night of his life as well as the best. He had lost control of himself, with Arnav overpowering Arnav Singh Raizada, he had almost kissed her. His confirmation of the fact that she had always known had her look away. Arnav cupping her face made her look at him.
In this update we see Arnav trying to justify his actions by first owning up that he did wrong by her, but he had certain basis at that point of time, to justify that he was on right path. It was coloured by his past that has haunted him. His faith in the fellow beings had been shaken to the core. So all he could do was protect himself from any pain and when he saw Khushi who could get under his skin and had easily penetrated his defences, he could not understand why he felt so with her, for her, and by her presence. It was an enigma. He was not a man who would let things take their own course, but the one who took the bull by its horns. But the difference was, he let anger and other emotions overrule his innate sense of righteousness that led him to make judgement taking only his feelings into consideration. In the bargain, more often than not, Khushi was the target and was cut to the quick. His inadequacy at dealing with his own feelings had targeted her. As he had thought he was the man who could only take right decisions, he had not paused to question the rationale behind his deeds. Every time he had seen her it was affirmed, that his leaning towards her was not mere attraction but had gone further ahead. But he was one scared man. The ASR in him dealt with cold facts without any emotional attachment, where as Arnav in him gave into emotions. ASR was his mask that was placed to protect Arnav from the emotional trauma after the childhood debacle. It had been ASR who always dealt with the world and Arnav was known to a very chosen few. It predominantly came out for his Di. On Diwali night just for a few minutes it had slipped out but soon ASR had overpowered. That was also one of the best times as well as the worst, for both Khushi and Arnav. With Arnav in the fore there was hope for them but with ASR in control it was nothing but pain and void for both. ASR in him was justifying separation as the reason for living while Arnav, when glimpsed was for togetherness.
That is why this is titled Raison d'etre.
"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on"
~Henry Ellis
That's it from me. Hope you enjoy it.
Hindi TV Shows
10