She let out a deep sigh, and closed her eyes. The curtains were about to rise, and she could feel the anxiety overtake her. She recalled every god known to her, after all, this was what her ritual was. Her dance was the centerpiece, like so many other times. Her varnam was always one of a kind. And after all, it deserved to be. Her story was like every other, yet like none other.
She did what worked for her each and every time. She squeezed her eyes, and imagined a thousand replicas of him sitting in the audience. Even before the curtains were pulled open, she visualized that the audience comprised of him.. only him.. all of them were him. He was everywhere. Everywhere she would look after she opened her eyes, it would be him.
O... O... O...
She finally opened her eyes as the curtains flew open, and took her mudra. Her hands flew seamlessly, changing positions, depicting the yearning of the sad sad song the vocalist was singing. Her feet had a life of their own it seemed, as the gajjalu thrummed in them.
She twirled once and faced the audience, and could only see his radiant face everywhere. There were thousands of him, all in their different shapes and sizes.
It was moments like these, when she achieved pure serene clarity of mind. She knew this was the reason why she chose to be a professional classical dancer instead of contemporary. It took many years, but she had now achieved what she longed for. She had achieved the platform that had always belonged to her. So what, if she had to sacrifice everything else for that?
She was alone now, but then, she had this audience... So who would call her lonely?
Saan... wariyaa...
O... O... O...
It was still crystal clear in her head, she thought closing her eyes as she did the samyukta mudras. That night, when she had given her mother importance over him. Strange, how that had seemed to be the right thing back then.
Her feet made chiming noise as her steps turned more rigorous. She had left him heart-broken, and very conveniently, had forgotten her heart with him.
She opened her eyes and found one of the Reyaanshes in the audience gaping at her. She wanted to giggle seeing his face. In all the ten years that she hadn't seen him, this was how her mind was conjuring up images of him? He had spectacles, and that goatie was gone for good. She smiled, and concentrated on the Reyaansh sitting next to that Reyaansh, who had long shimmering hair.
Her white and golden saree shimmered under the lights, and she couldn't help but be flooded by the memories the song was invoking. She missed him. Every single day, every single hour, every single minute... She missed him so much. It was a miracle that she hadn't run back to him when she had gotten free of her mother. She wanted to, no doubt. But then, it seemed too desperate an act back then. And right now, she was happy with where she was.
Besides, he was the spoon-fed prince, he must have gotten married and become a king by now.
It was strange how her body seemed to violently react at the thought of him belonging to someone else. All the Reyaanshes in the audience were cheering her now, as if understanding and taking great pleasure in the fact that he still had all the hold on her mind and soul. She really had no qualms admitting the fact to herself that her body really did belong to him till this date.
O... O...O...
The song neared finish, and so was her reverie. She would have to face the cruel world out now. The stage was a complete different thing. The stage was her best friend, her soulmate, her everything. But as soon as her time on the stage ended every time, she started to feel the loneliness. It was inevitable, considering how she had pushed everybody out of her life.
The songs ending spoke about how even the night turned into a blissful marriage as the lonely lover found her soulmate. This really did break her heart, for she would never find him.
It would always be this... This strange hallucination that she'd have to live in.
How idiotic was it all... She had to overcome her stage fright every time by imagining that the audience consisted of him and thousands and thousands of him... Yet he was the only person that she would never ever find... For she had run away from him.
She stopped now, and the curtain started to fall. All the Reyaanshes were disappearing now, as always they did when her performance ended, and she was starting to feel jittery again.
Her heart stopped for a moment, as she saw one of the Reyaanshes, standing from his seat. It didn't seem to fade and vanish like the others.
I wonder why... She mused as the curtain fell completely.
Ye Hai Mohabbatein
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