Part 21: Decisions
"Just ask her!" Kripa tried to reason with Arnav. "You can't stall this forever! Eventually you'll have to let her know what you want. She should know that you're here to win her over again."
"There's no point in asking, Kripa...she's just going to say no." Arnav tried to defend his decision of not asking Khushi out for lunch.
"Yes she will. You can guarantee that. She'll say no the first few times and you'll have to be persistent. You think I agreed to give Angad a second chance the first time he asked? What she went through has formed a version of you in her mind that's not accurate. You have to tell her that you're different from that. You have to let her know that you truly regret what you did and that you'll never do anything close to that again. It's winning her over entirely as if you two don't know each other. You'll need to be ready to accept her rejection." Kripa sounded annoyed.
"She's right. You can't delay asking her simply from the fear of rejection because no matter how long you wait...the first couple of times...she will say no." Angad added in.
Arnav sighed, finally giving in. "I'll ask her when she comes back but if she kills me, I'm blaming you."
So now he stood in her cabin, in front of her, watching her as she looked through a client's file.
"Background check is clear. References look good. Give them the next available appointment." Khushi handed the file back to him.
He took it with a nod and smiled. "Um...I wanted to ask you something."
Khushi looked at him questioningly. He looked at the floor and fell silent. He was trying to calm down.
"What's the matter? Are you alright?" She asked concern clear on her face.
"Oh...I'm...fine."
Khushi frowned worriedly. "Do you need a day off?"
"No...I just wanted to ask if...if you...you would...um...joinmeforlunch?"
"What?" Khushi said confusedly. "I didn't catch that..."
Arnav sighed and clutched the file tightly. "Would you like to join me for lunch tomorrow?"
The frown disappeared from her face. She looked away from him and focused on her laptop screen.
"Please close the door on your way out." She said quietly.
"Sure." Arnav took the hint and walked out of her office.
Arnav closed the door behind him and breathed out. He knew that could have been worse and he had prepared himself for the rejection anyway. It still didn't feel nice.
Khushi, on the other hand, sat staring at the laptop screen. Just staring, not really looking at it. In fact, she was busy with her thoughts. She didn't know what to think of this sudden question he'd asked. Some part of her mind told her that she knew it was coming while another part of her mind completely denied it.
She gathered herself once again and decided to put it behind her. She doubted that he would ask again after her negative response.
But she was wrong. He asked her again the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. He continued asking her for an entire week and got the same response from her: Please close the door on your way out.
On day 10, he asked her again. This time, Khushi shut her laptop and stood up. She walked around the table and stood in front of him, looking angry.
"Quit asking me every day. Just because you ask me the same question repeatedly, it doesn't mean that my response will change! Maybe you have forgotten everything but I haven't!" Khushi yelled.
This enraged Arnav. "You think I've forgotten everything? Do you really think I've forgotten the one mistake that ruined my entire life? I lost my wife because of it; I lost my family because of it. And I couldn't do anything all these years because the one thing you'd asked for when you left was to not come looking for you! I'm not asking you to forget anything; I'm not expecting you to forget anything. You have all the right to be angry with me but don't ever claim that I've forgotten everything. You can't forget something that torments you day and night and pretty much kills you painful death every single day."
And with that, Arnav started to walk out of the office when he saw Kripa standing in the doorway. Realizing that he'd stopped, Khushi turned to look at him and saw Kripa as well. Khushi looked away when Arnav turned to face her before he left.
Seconds after he left, Kripa walked in and slammed the door behind her.
"This is wrong, Khushi." Kripa said honestly.
"You don't know everything Kripa." Khushi said curtly.
"Hell yes, I do. He told me everything. And before you blame him again, let me tell you that not once has he put any kind of blame on you. He hates himself for what he's done to you. He hates himself because you left. He hates himself because he had to stay away from his kids all these years. Khushi, he genuinely regrets what he did and he's just trying to do what he knows is impossible. Trying to fix things." Kripa empathized with him.
"Things are too shattered to be fixed again."
"NO THEY'RE NOT! Look at me and Angad! You know our story...how can you say things are too shattered to be fixed? You don't think Angad and I love each other? You don't think we're happy? You don't think Sur and Prateek are happy? I went through a similar situation too, so I know how you feel but till date, Angad hasn't forgiven himself so I also know what they feel."
"He realized what he was doing and he stopped. Your situation was different." Khushi was yelling too now, tearful.
"But he was sober. Arnav, as far as I know, was drunk. I know it doesn't excuse him completely just because he was drunk but it does give him a benefit of doubt." Kripa tried to reason.
"Being drunk is not an excuse for anything." Khushi shot back.
Kripa frowned, grabbed Khushi's wrist and led her out the office. She pulled Khushi all the way to Angad's office. Angad stood up at the sudden intrusion but he understood almost immediately what the reason might be. Khushi's tearful eyes were easy enough to read.
"Give me the DVD we made in Goa." Kripa said authoritatively.
Without a word, Arnav pulled out the DVD and handed it to Kripa. Kripa opened the disk drive on the laptop on his desk and inserted the DVD.
"Kripa, are you..." Angad started but Kripa interrupted.
"This is necessary." She retorted.
Angad shrugged, surrendering. Khushi was curious about this DVD. Kripa started the clip and turned the laptop so that Khushi could see. What Khushi saw, made her gasp out loud.
It was her. A recording from the club they'd gone to the night of the show. She saw herself up on the bar's counter, dancing drunkenly. She was singing out of tune and giggling the entire time. She was given further shock when she stepped down from the counter and a stranger pulled her towards himself. Khushi, without hesitation had put her arms around his shoulders and begun dancing.
Khushi stood there, with a hand over her mouth, as she saw herself behaving in such manner. The fact that she didn't remember any of it was mind-boggling. She wanted to cry when she saw that the stranger was getting sort of intimate and she had nothing to stop him. At last, Angad had shown up and pulled her away from him. She had put up a fight for a bit but then she had fainted in his arms.
Kripa looked at Khushi. "I'm sorry we had to do that but I knew that someday I will need this."
"You know, something really wrong could have happened!" Khushi blamed.
"I was following you closely. I wouldn't have let anything happened to you." Angad explained.
"Were you aware of this side of you, Khushi?" Kripa asked.
"I never do that. It's probably because I'm drunk. I don't even rem—" Khushi stopped speaking as she realized the point Kripa was trying to make.
Kripa smiled smugly. "I thought you said being drunk isn't an excuse for anything." Kripa went on when Khushi didn't say anything. "You don't even remember this. Arnav remembers. And you know what...not once has he tried to use being drunk as an excuse to defend himself. I can't explain this any more...I think I've made myself clear. And I repeat...I'm not saying that being drunk is a reason that should be used to excuse his act. Most definitely not. But perhaps it is the reason that should make you think that maybe all of that wouldn't have happened if he was sober. Maybe you'll give him the benefit of doubt."
Angad and Kripa left her with her thoughts. Khushi sat down and thought and re-thought everything. She recalled how he had stumbled in drunk that night, and her mind automatically gave her an image of herself stumbling on the bar's countertop—as if her brain was trying to force her to compare the two scenarios. She recalled the numerous times she'd seen him punish himself, and apologizing to her repeatedly. She compared that to the fact that she didn't even remember what she's done while she was drunk. She recalled her defense of being drunk for her behaviour and she recalled that till now, Arnav had never used that to defend himself. He had always accepted the full blame of it and accepted every punishment she'd given him.
After a couple hours of tears and ponderings later, Khushi concluded that till today, she had no idea of how strong of an effect alcohol could have on someone. She still couldn't forget what he'd done, though.
She felt like confronting him—about what?...she didn't know. She found herself walking towards her office, hoping to see Arnav in his cabin right beside her office. He wasn't there. She checked her own office to make sure he wasn't there. She found Kripa and Angad sitting there, instead. Angad stood up and walked to her. He made her sit down and sat next to her.
"Khushi, you're like a sister to me. I'm speaking to you as a brother and as a man who knows the guilty feeling of having forced yourself on your wife...drunk or sober...doesn't matter. The ball is and always will be in your court. All I want to say is from how much I've gotten to know him; I can tell he truly loves you. He truly regrets what he did. He loves Amber and Aditya too. At this point, you can't just think about yourself. You need to think about Amby and Adi too. Eventually in life, you'll want the love of a man. Someone you can share your happiness and worries with. Someone who understands you as much as yourself, if not more. And to be honest with you...Eventually Amby and Adi will need a father figure in their lives."
"You've rejected the handful of men I've introduced to you and I don't think it's because you don't trust men anymore. You're close to Angad...if you hated men, that wouldn't be the case—especially considering that Angad has made a mistake similar to Arnav's. I feel like you'll rip me apart if I put this in words but for the sake of your happiness, I'll take the chance and dare to say that behind all your hate for Arnav...You still love him. You don't have to decide anything right now. Spend some time with him and see if you feel differently. At the end of the day, he'll accept whatever you decide. He has for the past five years."
Khushi was surrounded by whirlpools of mixed feelings and thoughts again. As much as she denied it, somewhere in her heart, she knew she still loved him—it was one of the reasons why she had still kept her married name.
She had pondered over her decision to leave home and had wondered numerous times what life would have been like had she given him a second chance.
When all the thoughts became too confusing, she pushed aside her stubbornness and decided to talk to Arnav about it. She would tell him that she will always have the mindset that he wouldn't have raped her if he were sober. She would tell him that despite that, she couldn't forget what had happened and she wasn't too sure about giving him a second chance either. She needed to tell him all of this for her own sanity.
She stood up and walked out of her cabin with the goal of finding Arnav. She looked everywhere she thought he might be but didn't find him. At last, on her way back to her cabin, she saw him walking into the staff lounge...with another woman. To say that it hurt her to see him holding that other woman's hand would be an understatement.
Against her better judgement, she found herself moving towards the door of the lounge. She could hear murmurs of their voices and she moved closer to hear what was going on inside.
"Why can't you realize that you mean more than a boss to me? Don't you see it? I love you, ASR!" The woman exclaimed.
Khushi's heart started hammering in her chest. She peeked into the room and saw her hugging him. It brought Khushi some relief to see that Arnav wouldn't hug her back. He, in fact, held her by the shoulders and pulled away from her.
"Lavanya, I've never looked at you that way. You've always been my employee for me. I'm sorry." Arnav said sympathetically.
"Can't you try to look at me differently now, ASR? Now that you know what I feel for you..." Lavanya's voice shook a little.
"I can't. Even if I try...I won't be able to see you differently. I can never feel for you what you feel for me." Arnav was gentle with his tone.
"Why? What do I lack? I know about your habits, I know about your likes and dislikes, I know that you seem lonely. You don't think I'm good enough for you?" Lavanya's ego was clearly hurt.
"It's not that. You're beautiful. You're very efficient. You're a really nice girl. But I'm in love with someone else."
"Who? Your wife?" Lavanya spat bitterly. "The woman who left you and never looked back? Never tried to contact you? The woman who doesn't even know whether you're alive or not?"
Khushi felt guilty for a reason she couldn't explain.
"Enough Lavanya. You don't know anything about her. All you need to know is that I love her and no woman can take her place in my life. I don't want to hear a single word against her. I think it's best if you leave." Arnav said curtly.
Lavanya was hurt. "I can't believe you're wasting away your life waiting for that woman. You deserve better, ASR."
"No. She deserved better than me. You won't get it and I don't find it necessary to explain it to you. I'm sorry that I can't reciprocate your feelings." Arnav said.
Khushi pressed herself against the wall as Lavanya walked out. A ghost of a smile appeared on Khushi face.
That night, after putting Amber and Aditya to sleep, Khushi gathered bits of courage to pull out the bunch of pictures she had cherished but seldom looked at. Pictures of her and Arnav.
As she flipped through them, she recalled the happy memories—trying her best to ignore the dark bit of her past that tended to try to change her thoughts.
Around four in the morning, at last numbed by all the thoughts and considerations and comparisons and musings later, Khushi made a decision.
The next time he asks her for lunch or dinner, she will say yes. 'Just to see if there is still a possibility of fixing things' was the excuse Khushi had used to convince herself.
Alrighty guys! That was the part! As you can see, now you may expect some changes in the present situations but lets see how things unfold for Arnav and Khushi. Thank you all for your wonderful comments and encouragement! I think this is the last update in this thread! With all your beautiful comments, I'm sure page 150 isnt too far away!
P.S: Arent you guys proud of me for not making you wait a month for an update?😉😛😆
Love,
Katie <3
CID
Bade Achche Lagte Hain Naya Season
37