"You ain't no fun anymore!"
I diverted my attention from the book I was reading to my 15 years old cousin. He was looking at me with an accusing expression making me feel as if I have committed an unforgivable crime.
"Remember how we use to play Basketball all the time when you guys use to live here? Ohh I get it now! , you're a US return now, why would you wanna play with me! The Plain ol' desi me! You would rather read this' This book" He snatched the book from me and red the title out loud. "The Power of now" by Ec- Echkhar- t Tolle, tollia or whoever!" Not being able to pronounce the name Aman just shrugged his shoulders and continued with his pleading "Come on now khushi! Be a support! Let's Play! Please... please... please!! " Though he was a teenager alright, he had a tendency to act like a child at most times.
"I'm sorry, I...I really don't wanna play" And with that I grabbed my book from him and headed toward my room in search of some peace, Only to bump into one of my chachis and there goes a whole 30 minutes of "kitni bhari ho gayi ho! Itni si thi jab maine pechli baar dekha tha! If my memory is still serving me right, we just met 3 years ago when I was well above 15, but not to seem rude I simply smiled at her exaggerated statement while she happily narrated some past event involving me that I had completely forgotten over time.
" Kesy Har waqt Shor machai rakhti thi Allah! Yaad Ha ' "She got interrupted (to my relief) by my bhari ma ( My Father's older bro's wife) who was asking her to give a hand in the kitchen.
" Mai chalti hou beta, Apna khayal rakhna" I smiled at her and she hurried to the kitchen, looking at her retreating figure I breathed a sigh of relief and made my way toward my room once again, hoping to avoid an encounter with any other family member, Which I guess was a bit too much to ask in a house filled with people at the moment. There was a hustle and bustle, every corner was filled with noise, with happiness and why wont it be? The second oldest son of the house, My dad, returned to his country After three long years! I know its not that long, considering people live in foreign countries for over dozens of years, But for Super Family-orientated people like in my household , Who have a Family get together almost every week, sometimes even twice a week, Three years is a long time!
Lost in thoughts, I Finally reached my room, I was about to turn the knob when I heard a familiar voice say my name, Instantly my heart Skipped a beat, I turned around and found him standing in front of me, There he was, My childhood crush, Hassan, he looked different yet the same ,He definitely had grown taller from the last time I saw him, He was prolly 6 feet tall now Also I couldn't help but notice his muscular built, despite of his intimidating appearance he still has that calm aura around him, which draws everyone towards him, which allured me toward him at a point in my life.
"Hey" He said, greeting me with a warm smile upon noticing my awkwardness.
"Hey" I replied avoiding an eye contact.
" Are u alrite?" He asked me, I dunno whether it was concern in his voice or he simply thought I had going crazy.
"mhm" was all I managed to say and went into my room, regretting my action as soon as I did.
Why did I act that way? That was so immature! No one would ever revert to such behavior under normal circumstances. But then again nothing is normal in my life! I sighed at the thought and made my way to the bed. Leaning against the headboard I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself, I had promised myself that I wont breakdown, that I'll be strong, If not for me then for my parents, I can't ruin their happiness, they've already bared a lot because of me.
"Be strong, be strong" I repeated the words in my head like a chant hoping desperately they would somehow work, that somehow I'll become courageous enough to overlook all my fears. Sitting there with my eyes closed waiting to attain unbelievable strength I couldn't help but notice all the noises coming from downstairs. The voices were all mixed together making it all sound like a huge racket, I could hear the laughter, the screaimg, the shouting, there was so much activity. Everybody was enjoying down there and I was sitting up here,my room, all alone. It was like everyone's living their life to the fullest and only my life has come to a standstill. I concentrated on the noises. My mind automatically started distinguishing the source of the sounds; I recognized the loud thump followed by a clinking noise and immediately imagined Aman fiercely dribbling his ball on the concrete floor making his way toward the basket.
His words "Remember how we use to play all the time when you guys use to live here" Replayed in my head. I sighed, smiling a little at my own helplessness. Yes, Yes I did remember, I remember how Aman and I were undefeated champions of the neighborhood! I remember how we use to play for hours to settle who is better among us but would end up out of breath, sweating with an even score, I remember how I use to cheat all the time but poor Aman wouldn't complain coz he knew If Khushi di didn't play with him he's going to be bored to death without anyone to play with!
"Roko roko roko!" I screamed. Aman looked at me " kya huwa?" he asked worriedly . I walked up to him with a concerned face. " Batao gi bhi kya huwa?" He asked, shock clearly visible in his eyes. "Wou'" I started, but quickly snatched the ball from his hand and aimed for a half court shot. "Score!" I yelled as the ball made it into the Bakset! "you idiot!" Aman Retorted and with that he started chasing me around the court."Oye! Bhari hou tumse, Tameez se!" I screamed while running away from him, The game of basketball turned into a game of tag like usual and we both ended up literally rolling on the floor laughing at our own silly random acts.
I sighed at the memory; closing my eyes again trying to focus on something less upsetting.
I Heard one of my cousin pleading, "Rang maine bolna hai! " They were definitely playing "Teen, Do , Paanch" a more homely version of Trumps introduced to us kids by our grandfather. Apparently my cousin, Mehak, wanted to start off the game like always and was fussing abt me. They'd offered me to play as well but I politely refused saying I really needed to finish my book. " Then do join us when u are done! " Naina had said enthusiastically and I left giving her a slight nod. I remembered the time when I was use to be known as the "Rondi Queen" among my cousins because whenever I sensed a Ioss I would always end up scattering all my cards on the floor ,declaring everybody a cheater and demand to start all over again.
I chuckled quietly, thinking how stupid I was. I closed my eyes once again and Heard my Bhari ma screaming " Ye idher a ke taste ker k batao kesa bana hai". The statement sent me in trance again when I buttered all my aunties like they were a piece of bread. " Muah Chachi! Kya khana banaya hai! Cha gayiien yaar! Wah! Maza a geya! Appke haathou mai to jadoo hai!" She would then smack me on my head saying "chal pagal!" trying to hide the blush.
I was so lost in thoughts but a knock on the door brought me back into senses.
"You In there?" I heard my mom inquire in a concerned voice.
"Yea mom, come on in" She opened the door, worry clearly visible on her face. "Are u ok?" she asked scrutinizing every inch of my face.
" Yea, Why'd u ask?" I slightly smiled at her.
"Nah, its just that ur dad got worried when he didn't see you down there with everyone, what are you doing up here anyways" She asked sitting down next to me.
"I just didn't feel good..i mean..I had a headache..That's all" I lied.
An unsuccessful attempt indeed. My mother caught my lie in an instant though she figured that I didn't wanna talk at the moment so she just gave me an assuring smile, cupping my face she mouthed "We're proud of you" A tear rolled down her cheek which she quickly wiped and said "Oh god! I almost forgot, Hassan's family just came over, did u get to meet him? She asked me hopefully. I knew what was going through her head But I didn't wanna disappoint her by telling whatever she is thinking is just not possible.
"No, Not really, how abt this, you go downstairs and I'll be there with you in a moment?" I said, trying to avoid the topic, Mom sensed it and she muttered "hmm" and left my room taking a last look to make sure I was alright, which she deep down knew I wasn't.
I felt terrible, It was all my fault! "All my fault!" I banged my head against the headstand. A lump rose in my throat, tears started forming in my eyes .I hate myself, I am the reason behind my parents' worries. I am the one who put not only them but myself through excruciating pain aswel. If only I wasn't so full of myself! If only I didn't think I could change the world! If only I didn't speak up to anything wrong happening around me! If only I knew not to interfere in anyone's matter, even if it is my best friend! If only I hadn't gone to her house that day, If only we hadn't decided to watch a movie on her laptop, If only her yahoo wasn't logged in, If only her Bf's chat box didn't pop up, if only I hadn't figured out she was going out with a 27 year old, a guy so much more older then her, If only I hadn't known he was a desperate immature jobless man who hunted on school girls coz he couldn't possibly find a girl his age, If only I didn't find out from a mutual friend that he was spreading erotic stories about her, If only I hadn't convinced my friend to break up with him, if only he hadn't found out that I was the reason behind thier break up, If only he hadn't decided to get back at me from that very day, if only he hadn't blackmailed my friend into calling me over at her place when her parents were out, If only he hadn't asked her to mix a dose of Rohypnol in my drink, if only'
I broke into sobs covering my mouth trying hard not to make any sound. Not being able to take it anymore I threw myself on the bed, biting the pillow while grabbing the covers helplessly.
If only that night hadn't fall I would be downstairs, playing basket ball with Aman, losing myself in the game, feeling the sense of freedom while running with the ball, Or maybe I would be with the ladies in the kitchen , Talking abt how "kyunki" was the best show ever, I could've been with the older bunch too, where my dad proudly tells everyone about my academic achievements and my future goals, I might be with with Naina, Mehak and Mohid as wel, playing teen do panchh, carrying on with my rondiyaan at any sign of defeat, Or maybe, just maybe I would be be with the guy, I hoped to be with all my life, The guy I thought of whenever I heard a love song, the guy I longed for, the guy who was my hubby and adored me more than anything in my-self constructed fantasies.
There could have been so many possibilities, if only'.
Cricket
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