Part 67 Panacea.
<Maan's monologue>
It was practically impossible to sleep with the silence in the room only in contrast with the raging storm outside. I had tossed, turned and many a time even avoided doing so in fear of waking her up, but I was still unable to retire for the night. Eeriness continued to make its presence around me; perhaps that is what had caused my sour mood last evening. Everything I had been stubborn about was uncalled for, I yelled mentally regretting the very act. But yet it was unexplainable that I had given in to a strange intuition that kept clicking in my mind. Wanting to know the hours I had gazed bleak outside the window, I picked the cellphone to check the time. It read an ominous 3.30 AM and not having much to achieve at that ungodly hour, I started checking emails on my iphone. And exactly at that instant my unsuspecting eyes fell on the pithy subject line to bring about a pulsing throb in my throat, confirming the instinct that had lingered since yesterday.
My eyes widened in shock for it was the least expected piece of news that had come my way, since the time Dadima had called to inform me about my impending wedding with her. Only this was as disastrous as the windstorm that rampaged the world outdoors, bringing back sickeningly painful memories of separation, torture and a hideous breakup that had left me shaken deep in my roots. I closed my eyes, quickly pulling it back into its sockets as I lived through the grief that unmistakably abused Dadima and I to date. The void that was long forgotten soared back in full form, driving my fingers to rampantly run through my hair in panic.
Reality beckoned, pulling me back from the depths of anxiety I had reached in a short while and it dawned on me that there was little to nothing I could do about the depressing situation. While I lay there in bed, running through broken-down memories from a harrowing past, her mumble drove back my attention to the kindred that I now had. "Maan", "Love" was all I could make out from the garbled words that jumped out of her mouth. As time passed, she even blurted "Honeymoon" to my surprise as part of her dazed talking that effortlessly curved my lips easing me partly from the fix I was stuck on. Entertaining it was as I continued to listen in to her fascinating yet weighty expressions that she spoke in her sleep. A much welcomed distraction to my tormented self; her sweet voice only came to lull my sleep-laden eyelids at a weary moment such as this.
<Geet's monologue>
Babaji knew what had gotten into me last night. I was a mess now and couldn't sleep wanting to grievously get the rejected liquor out of my system. Noticing that I had laced my body with his, I wondered how I was to get out of the entwinement without interrupting the peaceful slumber he was in. A movie picked up in my mind, reeling the same dampening scenes from yesterday to accrue seething anger against him for having frittered away precious honeymoon time. Unsettling was the loss at the same instant and gave me the much needed mental brawn to break out of the nuzzle. My feet brushed against the cold synthetic carpet fibers to get far away from HIM...my conceited husband, fixated needlessly on my word substitution.
Shooting back a look to see if I had disturbed his sleep, I got myself out of bed. The small movement had him slither under the hand embroidered white comforter and I paused momentarily, holding up my rogue strands that fell loosely in my line of view. His bare chiseled chest whisked the ground beneath me even as I stood there wrapped by fury over his inaction last night, while I had paraded the house in provocative red nightwear. Argh! I needed to get my head around my present state, which was to retch my way to feeling my sober self.
My crown ached and my heart stung; one part from the hangover and the other from the cold demeanor he had portrayed last night. What had kept him away from me? I swayed as I tried to find an answer inside my muzzled senses. Unable to recollect the time that I did spend drinking the hard liquor, I crushed my stomach with my hand as the putrid liquid forced its way out as puke. Rushing to the bathroom as my forehead scrunched in sheer pain, my feet hit the suitcase in the dark and I gave out a loud cry as my little toe burned with discomfort.
I sat by the toilet and threw up to my heart's content, silently wondering if the act of gagging could make any amount of the suffering go away. The stench from the vomit only made it worse as the pain in my head shot between my eyebrows and let me give out agonized sighs at paced intervals.
At 6.00 AM, dead winter cold chilling my bones, I had shriveled in the washroom to redeem myself from the unpleasantness and that is when I heard the knock.
"Just stay put...andar mat aayiye ga" I screamed before he could say anything.
While I was stuck there for a good length of time, I had the leisure to reflect back on the events since our landing at Fairbanks. The fact that he suddenly distanced himself and the stern, aching look on his face along with the severity with which he came upon me over my silly play of words seemed unintelligible. His gaze had weakened and it no longer seemed to come from a man I had known a little over 5 months. Did I really know Maan? The pattering sound that raced my heart every time I had asked that question surfaced again to deafen my ears. Dilemma shook me on the cold floor as I contemplated if it was anything serious of a matter that needed further prodding. I struggled trying to understand if I would come across immature trying to split hairs over the senseless comments we had made against each other late last evening. No acrid words were strewn around, but instead the gripping silence that had grown inside him to constantly take my attention off the disturbed look he carried on his face with silly banter, bothered me enormously. What was the man I had so deeply fallen in love with hiding behind the withering smile he had worn yesterday?
<Maan's monologue>
I was not allowed to stand inside the bathroom. Image issues I guess. I didn't blame her, for I would be concerned as well, if I was spewing my liver out on our honeymoon. Oh! the one word that my disenchanted mind had hand-picked to turn me into a half-wit in front of her. My sixth sense had anticipated something morose to resurface from the grave and give me a taste of hell. The cancerous feeling had me by its reins and I was a mere puppet on strings all day. As they say, I only saw what I wanted to see and picked up just the cues needed to cause a disagreement when her word play came along only succeeding to create a drunken Geet out of it.
"Geet...main ab andar aa raha hoon" I called out to her to which she didn't respond.
I walked in to find her sitting on the cold floor, holding her head, teary eyed with no ounce of strength left to lift her gaze to meet mine. The knot in the pit of my stomach grew stronger as I watched her sickening stare climb up to meet mine. Her dark iris, with the dull veil of tears punched holes into my heart. Guilt built up in my mind that now envisioned a non-existent finger pointing at me, the culprit that had caused the chain of questioning to give rise to the gory scene that I was now a part of. Realization dawned on me that I not ruined one, but on my way to increase the count to two days of our Honeymoon. She closed her eyes as she winced in pain, perhaps from the rush of light that I had forced into the room with my coming in. I hunkered down to sit by her as remorse shot across my face, not caring while she took notice of it.
Reaching to hold her shoulders, I inched in closer. "Mere paas mat aayiye...please" she voiced in a loathsome cry and I rolled back by stretched arm with my face portraying unmistakable rejection.
Knowing well, I was the one to be blamed for the eventful night I chose not to pounce on her hatred that instant.
I left her to get to the kitchen; to stir up a remedy as a cure for the aftereffects of ingesting a medley of spirits, which she had imbibed all at once. This was not the hour to reveal the deadly news flash I had gotten via the glum email and my heart strongly felt she had no reason to pay for the circumstances WE were in. Over the course of my sleep I had let go my need to contribute to the dismal situation and I had heard her grumbling on time to give timely focus on the innocent expectations she had for me. Deciding to make up to her, starting with the drink that I was here to prepare, I taxed my grey cells to come up with ways to pamper my Mishti.
<Geets monologue>
The sound was deafening as my senses had unduly grown sensitive to light and sound that hit me. Hoping to shield the waves from reaching my eardrums, I pressed the middle of my palms against my lobes and traced my path in the direction the noise built up louder. He panicked to see the pained look on my face and rushed to my side after stopping the whirring motor of the blender.
"Actually hogaya tha...bahuth dard ho raha hain kya?" He asked, standing by my side to get my hand off the sides of my face.
"Seriously don't talk to me today" I poked at him in a weak tone to be taken back by the ingenuous smile he broke into. He must have been dazed for he dismissed my anger as he slid his hand around my waist and pulled me closer to place a kiss by my cheek.
"Its just today I have to endure?" He heaved a sigh and continued "And I wouldn't have to do anything to have us back by tomorrow then?"
I broke out of his semi-hug and tried to put some distance between us. It only got easier when he turned and marched away to find a tall glass to fill it with a blood red slush from the plastic jar he had blended it in.
All the while wearing a forced smile, he handed me the glass with a celery stick sticking out by the curved neck of the glassware. As I stood there with my arms folded, giving out a deadly glare to imply the seriousness of the situation at hand, he yanked my wrist and thrust the glass into my clutch with a pleading look on his face.
"Please peelo...You will feel good" he requested.
"Nahin...mujhe aapka koi favor nahin chaiye" I thumped the glass back on the countertop.
"Achha teek hain... tumhari marzi" he discharged and posed to move away. Only tricking me briefly with his disregard for my statement, he ran back to lock my arms behind my back singlehandedly and forced the tangy sludge of an ice mixture down my throat. I choked right about when he was successful in having me guzzle down three quarters of the content.
"Ok..dheere se..." he said, as he let go of his hold and tugged me closer by my hip and helped me finished off the glass while he held onto it. Flashing a puffed up smirk, while I detested his nerve, he carelessly flung the glass inside the sink and scooped me in his arms as I put up a struggle to resist him from doing so. It was all in vain for we were already in the bedroom. I was now rolling on the soft mattress and had him quickly jump in bed to lock me inside his monstrous clench.
"Thodi der ke liye so javao...I assure you will wake up as if last night never happened" he claimed.
It dawned me that instant that Maan Singh Khurana was quick sand from which I had no escaping ever. Strange as it may seem, I actually liked when he took no notice of my sentiments at times and came across headstrong to carry out his whims for the good of me. No, it was not the cold drink, but uncanny forces were at play as I could sense all displeasure decamp from my body and I now had stopped my futile attempts to shift into another position at a distance, far from him.
"Main aapke saath kya karoon Maan...absolutely hopeless" I said while still stuck in his tight embrace as he gave out a willful glee. My anger had wilted down to nothingness, no thanks to his charm, albeit he sure had some explaining to do once we would wake up for the second time today.
It was 10.30 AM already and I was in better shape to face the day ahead. Not wanting to disrupt his sleep state, I slipped out of his hold to get to the bathroom. Upon having a hot shower, my head seemed to work fine and the whizzing sound in my brain had come to a halt. Pancakes it was for breakfast and the pan seared as I dropped the white dollops of the batter to form perfect round sponges. The sizzling sound brought back last night's events to my mind once again for I was glued to the ground wondering if I should confront him about it. It was he and not I who practiced to ignore all disturbing accounts of the passing night, at daybreak.
As I stood there trying to reason out his need for perfection over my word usage, he stepped into the room in his usual haul-my-eyeballs-out white kurta. It didn't take me long to understand the scheming that went behind donning this attire and I chose not to pay heed to the same.
"Ab kaisi hain?" he asked as he came to stand beside me. Not having answers to the mental questions I had asked myself only made it difficult to respond to his enquiry. My silence continued for a length of time and that had him conclude I was still mad at him.
"Baath nahi karegi?" He prodded as he came around to flip the pancakes. I sensed an odd uneasiness in him that rebounded against my wife senses, making me glad I even had one; the positive emotion, which I was careful to conceal behind the straight face I carried.
"Yeh kurta kyon pehan rakhe hain aaj?" I asked not wanting to retort directly.
"Tumhe impress karne ke liye...aur kis liye?" he answered cheerfully, perhaps stemming from the fact I had acknowledged his presence around me.
"FYI not impressed..." I gave back wanting to dampen his spirits, while I fought inside to say otherwise. It was now clear to me that deep down I was enraged at him.
<Maan's monologue>
Picking up brunch in her plate she had walked off to the living room to sit by the couch and incessantly gobbled up pieces of the pancake dipped in syrup. It was a funny sight, which set the stern line on my face to curve into a disconcerted snigger, and yet my insides simply refused to dismiss the unnerving message I had received in the wee hours.
The heart of the matter that gave me the cramps was that she was affected now which I read from the glowering look she shot at me. And I got the same message from the lost hues in her eyes that perhaps now shouted only disappointment over her well-planned arrangements. Nothing seemed perfect anymore and that only had my resolve multiply to shrug off all that I had read in the email. It was her day...no mentally striking out the last statement, I reclaimed that its OUR day that needed saving from the dispirited gloom that was engulfing the both of us. There were broken dreams that needed reviving; including mine and picking up a genuine smile to ardently indulge her I paced to sit next to her.
<Geet's monologue>
No doubt something was gravely wrong as I noticed the displeasure that popped up from time to time and he kept it all private. Ignoring all that I wanted to ask him that moment I spoke with pure concern for him. "Maan...mujhe sach batayiye...kya hua tha kal?"
Partially surprised by the sudden regard I had for his state perhaps, he calmly spoke to alleviate my fears.
"Kuch nahin bus tumhari openness se tang aa chuka tha..." he said with a wave of sadness in his voice.
"Why Maan?" I bored again for his response seemed unconvincing.
"Why matlab? I'm just particular I guess..." He shot back faking an unwarranted anger.
"Nahin aap jhoot bol rahe hain...mujhe aapke aankhon main dikhai de raha hain..." I said, placing the plate on the coffee table, I got up to seat myself on his lap. He received me with his arms encircling my waist and closed the distance between us to lean just below my shoulder.
"Bataiye na...please...Main jaanna chahti hoon" I voiced as I tugged him closer.
"Geet...maine bol diya hain...Aur kya kaaran ho sakta hain?" He spoke with his eyes closed and his suffering flew into me as we sat there hugging each other endearingly.
"Nahin...main aapko poori tarah se tho nahin jaanti...lekin phir bhi mujhe lag raha hain...ki koi aur baat hain" I resisted to give in to the answers he made up.
<Maan's monologue>
It was she; being sagacious she had pursued the stubborn depths of me at Central park and now I couldn't hide from her anymore.
"Please...." She spoke softly to me, cupping my face with both her hands. Unable to resist the distress I was pouring into her with all the old tears that ached inside, I gave in.
"Kyonki...it's sometimes scary when everything is perfect Geet...kahin ye..."
I knew where he was going with this and I instantly closed his mouth with the palm of my mind as he snapped his head up to meet my eyes with a bland look on his face. Odd as it seemed coming from him, the answer made perfect sense to me. Being cognizant of his background, I could fathom that the tranquil that was settling would indeed scare the wits out of anyone who had not been close to such serene human emotions in a long time. The quietude of the house helped for all I could hear was his shrieking soul crying out in fear as he had voiced out his angst.
"Hush...kuch nahi hoga...Dekhiye..." I once again pulled up his faltering eyes to lock into mine.
"Maan mujhe dekhiye...main aapko chod ke kahin nahin jaa rahi hoon" I assured him as I moved closer to kiss him on the lips.
It was a moment that needed careful deliberation for he had disclosed his frailty. My Maan's insecurities were out in the open and he needed me to rally for him that it was all going to buoy up soon. I wanted to talk to him more on that, but he clearly needed some loving now, for he confirmed my thoughts as he passionately crushed my lips in return.
<Maan's monologue>
It was the absence of truth, but it still had her believe me and interpret to make sense of my statement in her own way. I didn't bother to correct her for I was sure that the truth could wait. Now that I wanted to shift my downcast mood to uplift her sagging spirits, I forced myself to be lost in her. I had no trouble sliding down the path of passion, as she puckered up her lips to lay wet kisses on my skin. Blocking out my thoughts, I devoted all that was left of my staggering self to her, while she came down as my own panacea...
Thank you all for the lovely comments. I enjoyed going through them...seriously some praise are really uncalled for. Anyways its rude once again...and so I will refrain going that route. But do keep writing...posting and commenting.
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