CHAPTER 13
Redemption
For all the differences which had grown between me and my brother Angad ever since I had that accident and became a big gorge when he got married and started spending time with Armaan, it surprised me when Angad found me out. When I touched Armaan I his injury I knew he healed like me and Angad. How did Angad know that I knew? I don't know. The only answer can be that we are siblings after all.
As soon as I was able to get out of the room Angad had me cornered and managed to get it all out from me. Guess after a long time my poker face finally deserted me and allowed the surprise to be seen on my face. I didn't want to tell Angad. But I had no reason to hide things from him either so I told him everything. All my theories of Armaan being a Halfling like us and living in heaven until he got kicked out for something.
Then I realized why I didn't want to tell Angad, coz now Angad wanted answers which Armaan wouldn't give. Why him? Why Armaan? Why not us? Weren't we good enough? Why were we dumped here on earth while Armaan was allowed to live in heaven with his sire? Why? Why? Why?
It bothered me too, I didn't want heaven.. Never did since they took away my powers for saving a life that wasn't mine to save.
Angad wanted answers and I… I don't know what I really wanted. I was still struggling with the discovery of what he was, where he was from.
I convinced Angad to wait till we were alone and with all semi psychic people present we didn't have to wait long.
"Why didn't you tell us!! Why did you hide it from us? How come they kept you with them?!! HOW?" Angad leaped on Armaan and grabbed his collar. I knew I shouldn't have told Angad. He was emotional on this particular subject of rejection and imperfection…
"Angad let go of him." I tried to pull him away before Armaan lost his temper, which he probably wouldn't.
Angad slowly released Armaan but maintained the eye contact and took a step back. Armaan looked at us as if he made had made some startling discovery himself. He had discovered what we were.
"You know wh.. what I am? You know for sure?" Armaan asked and I felt the sliver of vulnerability in his emotions, a crack in the tough image he was portraying.
"Yah well we found out. Point is why were hiding it from us? Why were allowed to remain in heav.. up there?", Angad clenched his fist, instead of grabbing Armaan again. When did he become so impatient?
"So… what am I?"
"Ridhima tell him to stop playing games. I am this close to slashing him open of his secrets." Angad glared at Armaan but showed me pinched fingers. Well what do I tell Armaan? I realized that he didn't know what he was.
"Angad let me talk to him alone pls?"
"No" Angad said and crossed his arm, silly child!
"Fine! If he doesn't answer and you try to make him and then he harms you, don't come whining to me. Oh don't give me you are well trained in combat crap. He is well trained in actual situation so don't. Now Armaan, do you know who we are?"
Armaan looked like he wanted to bolt or wanted to strangle something. Or maybe I was just reading his expressions wrong. He was keeping such a tight lid on his emotions that all I could draw from him was control itself!!
"No." Armaan choked the word out.
"How come when you knew about everyone else, you didn't know about us?" Angad interrupted despite my warning, Armaan of course remained quite.
"We.. Angad and I are twins.. We were…. Are… Halfling of different sort. I… we… our parents were… god I don't even know if our sire is dead. I don't even know if he can die… anyway where was I? Yes, our parents.. They weren't both human.. Our moth…" my voice broke and I took a steadying breath. The word mother just felt rusty in my mouth, it brought back so much that I had kept sealed. Another life.. Full of youth and careless freedom.
"Our moth… mother .. Yes mother… dear she was human. She was lovely.. She was quite beautiful and witty… she-"
"Oh stop dawdling Ridhima!! She is dead.. for all your toughness can't you get over it? She got old and died like everyone else. And our dear sire didn't do anything to help her coz she didn't catch his interest anymore. Our sire was a heavenly creature Armaan. An angel maybe.. Our mother didn't know. She only spoke of white glow and wings. She never saw him again, we never saw him once. Yet here we are his legacy on earth, which he had never thought about again clearly and here you are, jesting about your heritage just coz you got to be… to.." Angad stopped short and I rubbed his shoulder. I don't know why but maybe it was a male thing. When we were children and we were for a long time, we were mocked for not having a father and it irked Angad more than me. I didn't understand it and hence left it to male-female difference of thinking.
While Angad was trying to overcome the hurt he always felt at being betrayed by our sire, I looked at Armaan and saw how stunned he looked. So he had no idea at all.
"So you two are like…?"
"Very different. Even more different than vampires, weres, pixies and whole the folklore."
"And you think that I too am like… you?"
I nodded. Now was the difficult part. The secret of who was what was out. Now who was on whose side matters the most. Is it ok to tell Armaan what all powers we have? What if heaven forbid there is ever a fight between us? Would I be signing all out death warrants by revealing our combat secrets?
"So you guy can heal and fast reflexes?" Armaan offered before I could decide how much to reveal. I wasn't in me to fear him. Somehow I knew he would never hurt a hair on my body, it was Angad I was worrying about.
"I can… Angad has the errm reflexes…"
"So since you have both maybe its like power got split between me and Ridhima but the whole thing came to you. So is that why they kept you there? Coz you were… one?" Angad spoke barely above a whisper and looked so mad that I was afraid what Sujal will do over a destroyed room. Angad who always kept his calm was definitely acting like his impetuous wolf mate right now.
And thinking of devil the door burst open and angry Kripa strode into the room. If looks were enough Armaan and I would have been bloody puddles on floor by now, considering the way Kripa was glaring at us.
"What is going on? Angad are you ok? Ridhima, if you don't control that man, I swear I'll-"
"It's not like I was there by choice. It wasn't so nice there. I was different from all others and here atleast you had a sister like you, humans weaker than you. I was alone there among beings stronger faster, more heavenly than me. If I could trade that time with you Angad I would in a second, don't go blaming for being left here. Trust me it's a blessing."
Angad stopped his rage and gave Armaan a once over. I knew he was seeing a tall man, lean with no fat in any place. His whipcord muscles and 6 packs. How he had ever been bullied? But Angad who was in much same physical fitness had been, so had I… then why not Armaan? Coz heavenly creatures were not supposed to be mean. They were supposed to be good and angelic and they were supposed to let people die and stop others from helping.
Angad looked pissed at Armaan's pity and Armaan looked everywhere but at me.
"I see. So have you met him? Your sire?" I asked trying to fill the uncomfortable silence. But I should have left the job to Kripa. It just wasn't in me to steer clear of muddy topics.
"No. I didn't even know what I… wait I can't…. this is…"
"You can't what speak in sentences? Well I always had my doubts. Ridhima, pls tell me what is going on?" Kripa asked me, I wanted to shake her for not speaking earlier.
"Armaan is a Halfling like me and Angad. He lived up there, while were dumped here. One theory is that it is coz he got all the powers. While they got split here between me and Angad. Angad is angry that he didn't get the heavenly stay with our… and well rest you heard."
"This is nonsense. There can be no way he got the complete thing or he is better than Angad in anyway. I refuse to believe it."
Well you are loyal to Angad of course you don't believe it..
"Armaan can't pull a sword out of air, therefore he carries that… small sword of his... don't you Armaan?"
Armaan looked ill at ease now. I guess he was now wondering how much to reveal about himself to potential threat. Finally he just shrugged and nodded his head. That got Angad's attention and some joy too I hope. He was competitive and god I didn't want this to turn into an ego contest, with chest thumping by the end of day.
"But shouldn't you be able to do that? If you can do everything else? But your knife..sword whatever it is.. It does glow a little. What about that?"
Armaan shrugged again and it was all we were going to get out of him, but he suddenly sat down and sort of gave up. "I don't know ok? I can't pull it out of air coz maybe I missed the class when they were teaching it or maybe I just forgot about it. I don't know who my sire is, I don't even know who my mother is! I don't know how old I am or if Armaan is the name my parents gave me or it just struck fancy to my area leader. I0 years ago I simply opened my eyes one day and found myself amongst people who glowed, who could pull swords out of air and fought demons. I could do none of it and trained hard to be as good as them. Only plus was that I could heal faster than them. So I was more ruthless than them and so they threw me out to cool myself. And now I am afraid they would call me back to a place where I was never happy." Armaan glared at his feet and then walked out before anyone of us could recover from what he had said.
"What does he mean 10years ago? And if he trying to look pathetic is so not getting my sympathy." Kripa muttered as we all stared at the door Armaan had walked out of. He was the one least bothered by his words, but they shook my core. Something was very wrong. Maybe Armaan wasn't what we thought he was. And it just didn't explain the connection between us. Connection that allowed us to read each other's intention at times.
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I felt like hacking down a tree or punching down a wall. What was I thinking? Acting like a whiney, silly little weakling? What would Ridhima be thinking?! God I hope she doesn't think I am a useless brat. And I hope that messing angel didn't hear any of this either.
I kicked the tree trunk and felt my toes tingling from the jarring impact, the healing was so swift I didn't even feel them in pain, only the tingle and my foot was back to normal. I looked around the lush groove filled with trees, the vampire won't mind would he?
Like I care!! I felt like I was back there, fighting the demons again. Only anger and resentment filled me again.
I drove my fist into the tough bark, my skin splitting and healing, bleeding and healing, breaking and healing. I punched and kicked until I felt the pain, until it took too long to heal to completely block out the pain. I don't know why I was doing this it just felt right to feel some pain, as if I was normal, as I belonged here on earth.
"Sooo is this how you people are planning to take down the demon thinggy? Kicks and punches? Oh then David would have been target practice then?" I heard a feminine voice speaking and stopped. If it had been Kripa I would have gladly fought with her. If it had been Ridhima, I would have wished for earth to split up and swallow me before she could see my miserable self. But it was Geet. Geet who knew which name to put on what I was feeling. Who knew what people did when they were feeling something particular.
"It was a joke.. It's ok if you don't get it… not many people get my jokes.."
"It was a good joke I think.. I usually don't get many jokes. Whatever. What are you doing here Geet?"
"Maan was resting, I was bored and worried. I am just a silly female round here and no one tells me what is going on. Maan won't coz he doesn't want to worry me and others won't coz they think I need to know. Uuughghh I feel so angry when I am treated like that. Maybe you could teach me to punch and I can take out my frustration like that too."
"You don't want calloused knuckles."
"Yours look fine."
"Special powers.."
"For what having pretty manicured hands?"
I smiled then I couldn't help it. Maybe this is what I did need.
"What do you do when you get angry?"
"Throw things around. Scream, shout and when I calm down I might cry too. When all the drama is over I sit down and try to solve the problem."
"What if there is no solution"
"Then it can't be a problem."
"That doesn't make sense Geet." I said and she just shrugged her shoulders. I realized that she was a girl, not everything they said and did always made sense. That got me to next point.
"Geet you and Maan are married. He is vampire and all but do you feel as if.. as if.. you have known him forever? I mean whatever your earliest memory is.. Does it contain an essence of him? What I mean is-"
"I don't think we met in previous life. Coz I don't believe in that. So I can't say I had always known him even before I had met him. Yet when I did meet him. I felt as if world I had lived in was wrong and now it has rightened into the way it should be."
"What? That is not what you said love was."
"When I told what love was, I an idiot who had tried to drown herself. And what I feel for Maan… love isn't a description big enough to summarize it. All the words in the world are not enough."
"So you love Maan and more?"
"Let me say it this way. I used to thing that loving someone meant that I couldn't live if that person was taken away from. That try as I might I couldn't. Now I know I wouldn't. I wouldn't have choice to live or die. I just wouldn't exist. If I were to be separated from him…" Geet shuddered and just shrugged. Her words were a little different but I understood what she was trying to say and nodded. How could I not understand? What had I been thinking? If I were to go back and be separated from Ridhima then all that would exist within me would me fury. I wouldn't me. Only a shell. I wouldn't exist either I think.
I shuddered at the realization and felt Geet staring at me.
"The girl you liked… it's Ridhima isn't it?"
I nodded but didn't dare to look up, I didn't want to know if I could live without her or not. I didn't want to know what I felt for Ridhima.
"She likes you too. But does she really like- like you? Or likes you just as a friend?"
There she goes, talking like woman again. What I the difference between two likes?
"It's getting late, we need to start moving for tonight.", I said not bothering to understand what she meant.
"Hey you never told me what everyone is planning!" Geet whined and followed me as I tried to escape inside.
******
Back inside I realized I had been abusing the tree for longer than I had thought. Angad was back to normal and he and Kripa were getting ready with departure details. I had sense enough now not to offer my assistance. I don't think Angad and I could ever see eye to eye. I just don't know why I felt it at that moment, but the feeling was crystal clear and I knew it to absolutely truth. It didn't matter. It wasn't him who was causing all my emotions to go in a rollercoaster ride. It was Ridhima, who had just come out of David's room and even after her best attempts I could sense her dark mood.
It was strange anger, she hadn't been this angry when we had been discussing me and who was inadequate in what ways. She was angry now, when I hadn't even said a word to her. She was angry and she was tired. She was worrying about all of us too and her clinic. I saw the animal she had operated on yesterday, she was wondering how it was. Whoa stop!
"Don't!" Ridhima glared at me and said a single word before storming out, before I could apologize. Just one thread of emotion I had been following and then somehow I was inside her head. I hadn't even tried!!
I looked around restlessly. Unsure what to do. Geet had gone back to check up on Maan and I was left alone with Angad, Kripa and Kashish.
"What are you trying to do idiot? Baiting Maan like this? Are you crazy?" Kripa whispered 5 minutes later as she came to pick up stuff up from table where I was sitting.
I mouthed "what?" to her and she just shook her head walking back to Angad and Kashish... Me baiting the vampire? Whatever is she talking about?!!
Later I followed Kripa and when she left the room, I went after her 5 minutes later. Outside I saw her waiting for me near a hidden ivy corner.
"What were you doing out there with Geet? You think Maan is going to thank you for it? And what about Ridhima? How dare you play such cheap trick to get her attention?"
"What?!" I repeated, Kripa was never completely lucid when she was excited. And what was wrong with my talking to Geet?
"Geet is married Armaan, to a very possessive vampire called Maan, what part you don't get? And couldn't you have picked another time and woman to make Ridhima jealous? Huh? And do have to try such underhanded tricks with her? Doesn't she give you enough attention that you are doing this to her now. Now Armaan? You have any sense of timing or not?"
"Geet and I were just talking… why would Maan have problem with that and what is jealousy? Why would I want Ridhima to feel it? She is worried enough." I asked the right question, but something niggled in my mind…jealousy..Jealousy… what is jealousy? Is that strange hateful feeling?
"I don't believe you!! You don't know jealousy? You… yyou….. Oh I give up!! Just stay away from Geet ok? If you care for your hide stay away and if you don't want Ridhima to be angry and sad then stay away." I stared at Kripa wanting her to explain more but we heard Angad calling for her, so she hurried away. Women..
*********
I wanted to murder someone. No not someone, I wanted to murder Armaan. No, murdering would be too merciful, I'll torture him. Beat him up, tie him up and torture him. Yes.
Nooooooooo I can't torture a chicken! How can I hurt him?!!!!
I stamped my foot in frustration, something I used to do as a kid. Only Armaan can drive me so mad. What was he doing with Geet? Why does he always look at her as if she is some.. Goddess. I hate her! What's so gr8 about her? And how dare he peak into my mind like that! Just..!!!
I stamped my foot again and punched the wall. Ouchhh!!!
I cradled my bruised hand and felt it heal quickly. Armaan was driving me crazy. What did he want? Can't he decide? What do I want? Why am I so bothered?
I stamped my foot for the last time then started walking back to where everyone was and saw Armaan tucked away in a shady corner with Kripa.
What is with him and women!!!
Before I could turn back or confront them, I heard Angad calling Kripa and saw her hurry away, whispering something urgently to Armaan. I wanted to turn and leave and wallow in my anger. But enough was enough. This thing with Armaan had to be settled. Before he left tonight. We had to settle things between us.
I quickly walked to where he was standing absorbed in his thoughts.
"Armaan?" I wanted to scream and punch him. Instead it came out in a small whisper and my hand stopped short or touching his shoulder.
"Ridhima? I.. I hadn't mean to do that back then… I just thought why you were angry and next thing I was seeing the sick animal you operated upon. Honestly I wasn't trying to…. Please don't be angry.."
He said with his head lowered and sounding as miserable as I was feeling. What was wrong with both of us? Why were being so down and teary? Why wasn't anyone smiling or laughing around here?
"It wasn't what I was angry about." I said before thinking just coz I didn't want him as miserable as me.
"Then what are you so angry about? You weren't angry at the possibility of me being a Halfling. What are you angry about?"
Me and big mouth controlled by my big heart!
"I don't know.. Nothing.. I was just… I wasn't angry at you.." I said looking away. With so much between us I just couldn't lie to him. It wasn't possible.
And he knew it. Damm him! He held me by my waist and pulled me close enough that I couldn't look down. I could either stare straight at his sculpted chin and bronzed neck or look up in his drowning eyes.
"Won't you talk to me please Ridhima? So much I happening and I'll be going today. I won't know how you are. If you are safe or not. Whether you are still angry at me over something. Will you see me again or not.. Will i…Will we… I want to see you again when I come back Ridhima. Will you see me?"
And he wants me to talk after saying all this?!!
I weakly nodded my head. I hadn't thought about him leaving me for unknown time. No more Friday dinner, no more Armaan bringing my grocery, cleaning my garden, taking out my trash. No more of his ready smiles. Will I see him again yes. Why wouldn't I?- The dreamy part of me thought, the optimistic one.
Will we meet again but? Will he come back? What if he gets hurt? What if he is called back to the place which we both detested?- The niggling pessimist hissed from somewhere and I realized it was Armaan's voice. His fear.
"We will meet again. You will come back to me." I said out loud in the strongest voice I could. I just had to say it for both our sakes.
"I will come back then? Good. If you think so, then.. I think then I most probably would. I don't know why I feel that way. You'll take care wouldn't you?"
I nodded and dared to look up into his eyes. I felt so petty and childish at being jealous over his friendship with Geet, while he had been worrying over me. I saw him frown and realized he heard my thoughts.
"Jealous Ridhima? Is that what the anger was? If you don't like it, I won't talk to Geet. She just… When I first met her she had tried to kill herself and had told me what it meant to like and love someone… Today she told me what she thought was wrong…. Since you already know where came from.. I.. For last 10 years I did nothing but fight. Heal my body and fight. I had a friend, but that was all, nothing else. I never felt anything. What I am trying to say is that, now I feel things I don't understand. I told you I like u.. But I didn't know that what I felt was called 'like' until Geet told me."
"Oh" like and love?! You have been talking to her about love? Oh my god ohmygod omigawd!!!
Stupid stupid stuid!!! He what?!!
I shook my head trying to desperately clear it. I couldn't breathe and it felt as if all air has left the room. He what? Then it came, the hopeless despair Armaan had felt when Geet had told him. "You don't have choice of existence if the you love person is taken away from you". I sucked in air but still couldn't breathe. What would I do if Armaan didn't come back? NO! I couldn't be.. No it's not possible for me to feel that way about him. I can't. I…. Oh God!
"Ridhima? Are you ok?" my hyper mind registered Armaan asking me. I also felt his anxiety. But I was hyperventilating over a confession he hadn't even made.
"Ridhima talk to me?!! Oh what did I say?" He said growing quite desperate as I still took in loud breaths. I shook my head and allowed him to pull me closer into a tight hug. I shouldn't have helped. How could his arms crushing tight around me help me breath? But it helped. The air became lighter and my head cleared from the panic attack. What was there to panic about? We feel what we feel. We live with it. What's there to worry about?
"Nothing. The feeling just took me by surprise." I said aloud and realized I was replying to his thoughts directed at me. It scared me. Made me start to panic again.
"Ridhima…. Ridhima do you mind it horribly? This connection between us? I don't. I would feel lost without it. If you don't mind it then why panic? We'll learn to control it, I am sure."
I nodded into his chest where I had buried my face. For a person who was new to all this emotional stuff. He was much more intelligent than me. I felt myself relax slowly as all my tangled emotions got simple. I didn't have to think it just happened. One moment I was worried stiff and rigid in his arms, next I melting against him. I would have been a puddle at his feet if he was holding me strongly against him.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It smelled like Armaan. The scent didn't have name. It was him, just him. Him everywhere around me and I could stay like this frozen in time forever.
"That would be nice. Being like this forever would be very nice indeed." Armaan said aloud for both our sakes and rubbed my back or played with my hair. I didn't mind. I loved it infact. This feeling was the best I had ever felt in my whole life.
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Kabhi Neem Neem Kabhi Shahad Shahad
