Chapter 10: What is the cost of sanity?
Armaan generally drove Riddhima to Shubhankar's office as an observer. He now had a fascination towards psychoanalysis and field related to that and Shubhankar was more than happy to allow him to observe. Of course he had first requested Riddhima if she had any inhibitions.
"Why should I have any inhibitions? I would ask Shubhankar to give you my report to read anyway." She had raised her eyebrows. She hadn't realized the amount of trust she had in him and he was surprised and charmed by her acceptance of him in her life. Yes, they were in a relationship for about two years now and neither was in their teens to blush and stammer at words like these, yet she managed to make him speechless with her idiosyncrasies periodically. After that he became more open with what he thought about his childhood and the fear he had in his mind about people close to him. Shubhankar had advised him to be more about what he felt; it didn't matter if he was talking about his trauma or Riddhima. Every aspect of life was equally important as every incident can be taken as a lesson. It was difficult for Armaan to be open about feelings. For someone who shut himself from the world for more than quarter part of his life talking about what went on in his mind was challenging. But Riddhima had shown tremendous amount of patience when he told her that he wanted to talk to her but spent more than three hours in complete silence.
"I am sorry", he would say.
"It's alright. Let's try again next time. Okay?" She would say.
She would imply that she would be ready to accompany him whenever he wanted to talk and left the door open. He had to decide when to enter. Over the months three hours of silence had reduced to two and then one and finally one day he had just told his parents and sister's names.
"Your father's name seems familiar", she told him.
"It's a pretty common name, is it not?" He replied.
"But why is your surname different than that of your father's?" He sighed at the question.
"After all the fiasco I intentionally wanted to distance away from the legacy of my father. I was too scared of how society would judge me because of sins of my father. What he did might not be something new but in that small town it was house hold news. No matter what I did, everyone always said that I was his son. That was when I decided to change my surname to my mother's surname and enroll into boarding school."
"You did all this on your own?" Riddhima asked him. Armaan would have been only twelve when he faced the brunt of society and made a drastic decision.
"A family friend helped me. It's Rahul's father actually." Armaan said. Riddhima looked at him in surprise.
"Oh?"
"His father was my father's friend who I met during my father's funeral. I didn't even know back then that he had a son. He just helped me get the property sorted and appointed a lawyer as my guardian. I met him again when Rahul took me to his house when we were in medical school. Imagine my surprise." Armaan said.
"Did he recognize you?"
"After I told my name, he did. He never disclosed anything to Rahul and he told me that I should tell him in due time or never. I am ever grateful to the man who pulled me through that mess." Armaan reminisced.
"You should tell Rahul about it." Riddhima said.
"I should?"
"Yes. A child would be immensely happy when they hear the achievements of their parent. No matter what feeling they currently harbor, they would feel a surge of pride when they find out there are people in this world who are as grateful of their parent as they are towards them. Do you understand that Armaan?" She asked him. After moments of silence he nodded.
Riddhima's words had made sense. Once during lunch Muskaan was talking about a family friend who had helped her family during their time of need. At this Armaan had found an opening and had told Rahul about what his father had done to him and how grateful he was for all the help he had provided. Rahul was surprised but Armaan didn't miss the sense of pride and unconditional support that one would have for their parents cross on Rahul's face. Riddhima who was sitting next to Armaan gently squeezed his hands under the table and he felt a sense of being free. Truth had burdened him down and saying them aloud had made him much lighter. Rahul mouthed thanks to which he shook his head and smiled.
"As we grow up we become more and more distant from our parents Armaan. Thank you for sharing something like this with me. I know that you feel guilty for not saying it all these years, but you have overcome your inhibitions and told me the truth. For that, many thanks", Rahul had told him as they walked around the corridors.
"Next time when you go to meet your father, do call me please. I would like to meet him."
"You know Armaan, I have managed to avoid my father at all costs because we don't meet eye to eye with certain things but after hearing how he helped you, I want to meet him soon and tell him that I am lucky to have such a father who goes out of his way to help others." Rahul replied.
It was then Armaan understood what Riddhima had meant before. Not all parents were like his. Sometimes truth about their parents would connect the children with them. Sometimes the truth would even mend broken bonds. He clapped Rahul on his shoulders and said "I understand." He finally did. When they arrived at on call room, they felt as if they had entered a war zone. Atul and Nikki were having a row with Riddhima and Anjali as spectators.
"Armaan, tell these adults who are currently acting like five year olds how dangerous hypnotherapy can be." Nikki stood before Armaan and jabbed her thumb behind her motioning towards Riddhima and Atul. Armaan sighed. The last thing he wanted was to be a match referee to an intellectual argument where he had no knowledge on. Even if he had some idea about what they were talking about, he would feign ignorance. Rahul grinned at his predicament and casually slipped out of on call room and gave him a thumbs-up sign.
"Can you start from the beginning Nikki?"
"These two here want to undergo hypnotherapy to uncover suppressed memories", Nikki replied.
"And we that is Nikki and I think that it can be quite dangerous", Anjali added. Armaan looked at Atul and Riddhima. It was their turn to present the case.
"Armaan, hypnotherapy is not much different from cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) except the hypnosis part. Cognitive behavioral hypnotherapy (CBH) is merely an extension of CBT using clinical hypnosis. If there were decent results in CBT, then CBH would give better results", Atul first replied.
"With CBH it is possible to remember and ab react repressed traumatic memories. Also it is one of the methodologies to treat post traumatic stress disorder. I agree that there are many sub genres in psychoanalysis which can be used but I don't see how CBH can create problems", Riddhima replied next.
"Riddhima, there are other issues involved with this methodology; false memory syndrome for example. If you have imagined about the incident in depth and deep down you believe them to some extent which are objectively false then the whole therapy becomes a moot point." Anjali finished.
"You guys don't understand the situation of a person who doesn't remember the last year he spent his father. He might not have been the greatest dad in the world but still he was my father. It is speculated that even I was in the accident in which he died and miraculously I managed to survive. To know that, I am willing to risk anything", Atul fumed.
"Even your sanity?" Anjali challenged. She wasn't against Atul in finding out the truth. She wasn't even scared about what would happen to him during therapy. She was scared of truth. If his mind had shut down on the memories of the year his father had died, then it would be because of some traumatic stress involved. The shock he would have experienced during accident would have been welcomed and utilized that to cover up all the memories which would have traumatized the kid. She didn't want him to go back to it again. She knew she was being selfish and also knew that Riddhima was doing something exactly similar but she was blinded by the fondness she had for the man who was always buzzing around her.
"Do you think I am sane now Anjali? I am not a whole person at all. There is always a part of me which wants to remember what happened all those years ago. I want to know how I ended up in this hospital and how my father died. I want to know what was so traumatic that my mind shut off and repressed all the memories. Is that too much to ask to know the truth about myself?"
"What if the truth turns out to be something you never wanted to know?" Anjali asked. Her anger had now turned to desperation and she was trying to protect Atul from an unknown fate.
"It's a burden I will have to carry and I don't care about the consequences", Atul spat and stormed out of the room. Anjali rubbed her face and sighed. Nikki nodded at Armaan and walked out of the room as well. Anjali collapsed on a nearby chair and looked at Riddhima helplessly.
"Help me understand this Riddhima. Is not knowing about something traumatic so important? I mean why would anyone want to relive that experience which their minds want to forget?" Anjali asked her honestly. Armaan waited for Riddhima to answer. Truthfully, even he wanted to know answer to that.
"Like Atul said it is a feeling of not being whole. In my case it's only three days. I know that remembering that isn't going to be a great thing and there are definitely no good memories associated with it. But I want to know what happened to me Anjali. There are many fears and behaviors in me which are stemmed from those three days. Unless I know and understand what exactly happened, I cannot heal. But look at Atul. There may be something traumatic in that one year or it might be filled with happiness. It is that ambiguity which is making him agitated about not remembering. Even if it's some sort of trauma, it can be healed. If the memories are good, then he has something to hold on to. Losing a parent unexpectedly is an event which permanently changes a child's perspective on life Anjali." Riddhima spoke from her experience. Anjali stared at her sister. If two years ago similar situation had occurred, then Riddhima would have been the first person to leave the room. But here she was today advising her elder sister on matters of heart and mind. Anjali looked at the man next to Riddhima who helped her to become what she was today. Truly they were lucky to have Armaan as their friend.
"We need to talk to dad", Riddhima said.
"Atul should be there too", Armaan added. Anjali was about to protest but the final look on Armaan's face made her stop.
"Okay", she conceded. Armaan and Riddhima shared a look. Riddhima just nodded.
"Let me take you to dinner Anjali. My treat, anywhere your little heart desires", Armaan told her with a soft smile. Anjali wiped her eyes which had watered a little when Atul had stormed out.
"Ditching your girlfriend Armaan?" Anjali teased him slowly regaining her spunk. Armaan grinned at her. Riddhima watched them in mild amusement.
"He is taking you out because he is hungry and I have absolutely no time to entertain him for a dinner. So dream on sister", Riddhima teased her sister. They shared a chuckle and bid goodbye. Riddhima watched her sister laughing at an obviously lame joke Armaan had told her. Originally Riddhima and Armaan had planned to eat out at a fancy restaurant that night and since he had night shift they had decided to end the night early without their ritualistic walk and a post walk coffee in nearby shopping district. But when he invited her sister, she had also volunteered to his night shift for the long talk that her sister and Armaan were definitely going to have. She was glad Anjali opened up with Armaan than with anyone else and at that moment she needed that sort of person to comfort her and spill her fears. Armaan would know what to tell her and console her. She made a mental note to call him later to check her sister's mental state and picked up the charts assigned to Armaan and started the dreaded night shift.
Shashank was surprised to see his children along with Atul and Armaan on Sunday afternoon. He was even more surprised at Atul's request but he always knew that a time would come when Atul would start searching for answers. Maybe it was Riddhima's improvement in her behavior which had urged Atul to come out of his shell and seek the truth.
"You were carried by a truck driver all bloodied. Before we could more details the truck driver disappeared to avoid any contact with police. I was called in to perform surgery for you since I was the resident neurosurgeon. It was two days after we found Riddhima after her abduction and I had decided to take a break from work for a month. By the time I came to hospital they had almost lost you. It was grueling thirteen hours which a team of surgeons battled for your body to start working again. After that your recovery was pretty fast."
"No one had come for him then?" Riddhima questioned.
"No. We had to notify the police of course. While we were performing surgery, the police found the accident site where his father body was found. Both of them were involved in a severe car accident. According to an eye witness the truck driver who hit your car was the one who carried you to the hospital."
"Where did this accident happen?" Atul asked.
"It happened a few blocks from the hospital." Shashank replied.
"You were in a drug induced coma for a week and once you came out of it, our resident psychiatrist did a preliminary examination. Only then we found out that you had lost approximately one year worth of memory." Shashank finished.
"What exactly were my father and I doing in this city? It is surprising since I don't remember him talk about this place ever and I don't remember us having any relatives here." Atul pondered.
"It could be anything", Anjali responded.
Atul thanked Shashank and walked away with Armaan. Anjali looked at his retreating figure wordlessly.
To be continued.
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