CHAPTER 22
I see through your eyes…
Lunch after dinner was a highly anticipated affair… unfortunately not many were present to witness it. Ashoke had to leave for some urgent meeting… a top lawyer in his firm had just resigned. Rin was suddenly feeling very faint.. Perhaps it was all the coffees she had to make.. So Sid, Kaveri and Rin left too. Nick was too tired, hurt (morning fall) and in shock; to really protest and try anything when kashish silently informed him that sujal wasn't coming for lunch.
"He isn't coming. I think the morning activity is taking toll on him… "
But then dinner was a different, brighter meal altogether again. With everyone back in the house, Sujal making an appearance.
*****
I can't believe it happened. That witch!!!!! She had me trapped right from the moment she passed by door humming a nonexistent song. What can I do now? I know I won't make a mess of myself in front of every1. I know that every1 has taken my presence quite well and naturally. No questions, no nonsense behavior; so I can't give the excuse that I wud make everyone else uncomfortable…
Guess I have to go then. She made sure I had no excuses left. That conniving…..
Well… conniving angel I should say perhaps…. I may have lost my eyesight but she had still managed to brighten up my unishade dark world. I owe it to her to go and have dinner with everyone. She shouldn't be the only one trying so hard.
*****************
It was precisely the last thought which had motivated Sujal to work hard in the right direction. Understand the things her way. Feel the same hope for normalcy that she felt. Act the way she wud have acted had their situations reversed( though he never wished for such a thing to ever happen). In short, he was seeing everything the way she saw the world, just as if he was looking it through her eyes.
After the interactive breakfast and dinner session, many days, weeks passed. Sujal continued in his upward climb out of depression. Everybody helped his out of it, and Kashish guided every1 how to help him. But Sujal loved the time he got to spend with Kashish the most. He had never realized it… never stopped to think about it.. Her thoughts, her perspective of things. Often after dinner if she wouldn't be too tired they wud sit on the back porch of the kitchen. It was their private place. There Kashish wud tell Sujal about her day, ask about his. Sujal wud ask kashish about what some scene had particularly looked like, tell her how he had imagined it to look like. They wud compare his vision and her sight. Slowly over weeks it was becoming similar. A new understanding was forming between them.
Almost a month later after the breakfast incident, like every other night in between Kashish and Sujal were sitting on the porch laughing at the scene Kashish had just described to him. He didn't feel he was missing much when she was describing what things looked like.
K –So that was it. Nick did get down cat from the tree. Ripped his favorite jeans which Sanskriti had gifted him. Got scratched by the ungrateful cat and slapped by the angry owner.
S slowly wiped tears from his eyes. He cud imagine just how everything wud have looked like and it got him laughing so hard had he had tear in his eyes, " Can't say he didn't deserve it. He almost ran over the cat. I m sure, if he got unscathed from there.. U wud have given him hell for almost killing the cat… Probably made him climb up a tree to save himself from u!!!!", Sujal bellowed again, just imagining all sorts of scene with Kashish in them was so much fun.
K –Hey!!! I am not like that. I wud have understood that it was an accident.
S –That's right.. But only after the poor guy wud have gone all stiff from sitting on the tree and somebody wud have calmed u down.
K –That's not true!!!!!! I am not like that!
Kashish whined and protested half heartedly. To see Sujal laughing like this was really worth getting a crazy animal lover tag.
S –Oh yes u are..
Sujal aimed to touch her face judging from her height as he remembered it and the level from which her voice came. Yes!!!! I got it right!!!!
Gingerly touching K's cheek Sujal slightly bent towards her and said in a serious voice and a grim face.
S –U can't fool me with all this. I have had firsthand experience of ur over the top cat love.
Sujal grinned and laughed then, "Remember nick's graduation?"
K muttered darkly, he almost had her worried for a moment with all the serious expression and voice.. Maybe it's time to take the next big step, "How can I forget about the diseased thing…"
S –U really aren't still holding that out against me are u? I really didn't wanna mess things with Nick over a little cat.
K –Yah I know. I understand I got over the episode don't worry. If I hadn't I wud have secretly slipped some cat food in ur dinner for revenge.
S –Aint I glad I apologized at the correct time…
Sujal smiled again at kashish and pulled his arm around her in a comfortable embrace. He only heard two almost identical pair of feet scuffling in the kitchen.. some poking and muted laughing…
************
Next day
Kashish excitedly pulled sujal in the living room guiding him quickly by pulling him by his hand.
S- Ok!! I get it, u want me to meet some1 very much. At least tell me who. U know I am not a fan of socializing.
K –I know. I know. I also know what I am doing. So just promise be u wud act nice. And really keep a cool head and listen patiently. No angry outburst please…
Kashish begged. Sujal only shrugged his shoulders noncommittally Whenever she gets pushy… It's a big thing. I hope it's nothing too unpleasant.
(living room)
Hmm at least this person smells fine…
K –Nancy! This is sujal. Sujal-Nancy.
S –Hello.
Ok the hello is as polite as it is going to get. She better tell me quickly why am I having to meet this Nancy girl.
N –Hello. It's nice to meet u. U have a very pleasant warm voice, but I guess the steel in it is ur anger at something?
Ok! Who is this weirdo? What sort of ans is that? Can't she just say hello? What with the nice warm voice crap? Hell yes I am angry. I am angry at her. Maybe she can now hear my thoughts and figure this too. Great deal of trouble it wud save me with Kashish.
S –Well since it's the first time we are meeting, u really can't be so sure about the steel right? I may have it in my voice naturally. My anger is not ur problem.
K –Suj-
N –I understand now Kashish what u had meant when u talked about him being brilliant, stubborn and handsome.
I hate her voice. Even if it sounds nice. No! actually I hate her whole attitude and personality. I hope she leaves soon. Wait a min!!!! Kashish said something about me being handsome? I wanna hear more. Oh yes! Kashish is blushing her breathing is slightly faster.
K –Umm.. ah..umm… Well.. That's not the…. Nancy wud u like to have something? Water, tea ,coffee? Please have a seat!! Sujal sit down please.
Kashish directed Sujal to a chair and got some tea for Nancy, while Sujal and Nancy sat in stony silence.
S –look I am getting tired here. If u have done introducing me I would like to go now.
K –No. u haven't heard why Nancy is here.
S –ok then why is she here?
N –I am a work at the…<><><><><< I am here at Kashish's request. I am going to teach u brail and how to fend for yourself outside for the two main things and then we can see what else….
I don't remember much of what was said after that. I had got up in a huff toppled hot tea over myself and who else I don't know. I had sworn hard, Kashish had screamed something and that overbearing women had murmured in the calmest of voice. I had run away from there to my sanctuary – My Room.
I did realize about half an hour an hr later how abusurdly impractical I had acted. What kashish had been doing was in my best interest. If only she had given me some hint about it earlier instead of throwing me straight to tht patronizing little twit, who thought she knew it all, I wudnt have cted so rudely. I wud have calmy told tht nancy to get lost and not let me hear her voice again. Is so difficult for kashish to understand why I don't wanna try something I am going to fail at? As it is I am past my age of learning, I am bad tempered so I wont get along with any teacher or anyone else so whats the use of going out and I am Blind! What is a blind ex-lawyer going to do by learing to read and write brail? Make a fool out of myself in front of the whole goddamn court? What next? Now she'll probably ask me to use a godamm stick. As if it wud all make anything better! As if I am going to feel less helpless by standing in middle of a busy street with a cane to defend myself!!! Guess she has had enough of me and I am failing to amuse her anymore, so now wants me to learn enough so tht she can kick me out of her house. Selfish piece of-
#knocking sound#
"go away! I don't wanna hear any1 right now"
Kashish barged in without invitation. Sounding extremely angry and frustrated.
"Well if u don't wanna hear then make me shut up."
S –U know very well I cant.
K –U CAN. If u had behaved urself in front of Nancy. U wud have been able to do tht just now.
S –And maybe if u had any selfrespect left, u wud get out at this moment I wudnt really need tht knowledge.
K –Well then I have no selfrespect.
Her voice was hard and hurt. What do I care after wht she tried this afternoon.
"Please Sujal atleast listen. Just one min?"
Sujal stood without moving. This is all I owe her for bring me out of gloom- 1 min. She can interpret my silence as yes if she wants. I cant give her more than tht.
"Sujal… it was nothing to offend u. I just.. well don't u… Nancy is a very nice person. She can help u out with things I cant. She can ans ur questions which I cant. She knows more about ur problem than I do."
S –Huh! U talk like as if she's been here and done it..
K –She has. She.. is. Nancy is Blind, too… She… lost her… She… she was forced to donate her's to her cousin when she was 13. Her parents died whn she was 2.
I clenched my teeth. Wht was she trying to do to me? By telling me this sob story tht had something of my own in it. My parents left me alone too when I was young it wud have been better if they had died. She just said tht last crap to get me emotional, sympathize with this nancy. I am not going to hear any psycho analysis talk with her.
S –I don't care for her sob story. Fine. I'll apologise to her for being rude. I didn't know she was blind. Now get out of my room.
Tht blew it. All the patience kashish had stored up flew right out of the window. She shud have know tht arguing with sujal was useless. The hook never works with him, it always have to be by crook. Kashish folded her arms and sat down on sujal's bed. Let him physically kick her out now.
K –Stop trying to be patronizing. U aren't and it isn't working! She isn't hurt, if it makes u feel any good. She predicted u wud behave tht way. I was the one telling her tht u were more mature, calm and at peace with ur blindness, tht u wud keep ur head. But NO!!! U had to go ahead and prove me wrong, by behaving like a stupid kid who just lost his favourite toy!!! U think its easy for me or for every1 else to see u suffer like this?
Damn it! Why is throwing the trust bullshit at me now? she knows it will make me feel guilty! Conniving little…. Maybe I shud just…. No! I wont act like a helpless begger in front of anyone.
S –oh I get it. Then u jus want me to get my act together with ur dearest frnd's help and get the hell out ur house.
K (brittle hard voice) –Yes, I do just want u to get ur act together Grewal. If u want to leave after tht, its ur choise. But if u continue like this, I wud kick u out right now. and if ppl who believe in spoiling u wont let me give u a dose of reality then I wud move out. Coz I can't live day in and day out and see u loitering around the house uselessly, wasting all ur abilities and talents. Watching u wanting more and being afraid to even hope for it.
Damnit!! Why does she have to be like this. She just had to say tht last line…. Like she knows me tht much. Like she had actually had a peak inside my brain!
Sujal groaned…. Why doesn't she understand. Its not the insult or the bowing down I front of nancy I cant take.. its… failure, trying my bet and failing at it. More than tht I am afraid of hoping and getting all those hopes crushed. Better this way I know tht I am not allowed to hope at all.coz even with all the skills and sense coordination I learn, I'll still be blind and I can never have wht I want as long as I am tht.
S (pacifying tone) –Ok. Look here, I understand wht u r saying. I know I am being irritatingly difficult. Apart from tht and all tht I feel, logically wht u r suggesting maybe right to some extend. But it's a lost cause. I am too old. Nancy was 13. I am 32 almost thrice her age.
K –I am not saying tht u will learn I t all in 1 week or 1 month. I know it wud take time. But age has nothing to do wth it. Its just what u want and how much u want it.
There was a odd tremer in K's voice as if it was near snapping. Sujal cudnt understand wht he had said which had driven her to edge now.
S –Wanting has nothing to do with it. Its science, I don't have tht mush brains left to learn brail.
K – Well thts coz u spent it all on clever comeback's. (kashish huffed and jumped from her place, stamping towards the door she threw over her shoulder). U r bigger coward than I imagined Grewal. But I'll prove it to u its got nothing to do with age. After all I am almost twice her age too.
*********
I didn't hear anything more from kashish tht day or the next day nor the day after. It bugged me and irritated me. So this was my punishment for not doing wht she wanted? Was she carrying out her threat of moving out? I thought she was going to pester me endlessly to convince me. This was odd. 3 days were almost over and she hadn't even said a word to me not even at dinner and what hell had been the crap about her being twice Nancy's age? But I cant let tht bother me. This wud have happened eventually. After all who wud like to hang out with a stubborn, boring , blind man day after day? This was right, I shud get used to this. Her not being around. It was for my best.
"Dad!!!! I said I wont! If u don't wanna help me then fine."
Tht was kashish shouting at uncle? Why? It was 11 pm. Whts going on?
Sujal noiselessly moved towards source of noise.
"No no no!! I wont!"
"Be reasonable. I am so out of touch from such basics and he can really help u. I am sure I he wont say know."
"Dad!!! I have to prove to him something. Besides I wud not ask for his help. He is too overbearing."
"Well then beta I really wish I cud help u. But with all the increased work load… I'll see if there is anyone from the office"
"Thanks dad. Thts wonderful. I am sure it will be a huge help. There is no way I am failing these bar exams!"
BAR EXAMS!!!!!!!! She is taking BAR exams???!!!! Why the hell nobody told me this? Why didn't She tell Me? If she needs help why wont she ask me? Just why in goddamn bloody hell is going on?!! Damn it! I feel so bad. Uncle said he cant help her coz of all the work…. I wish… Sujal sighed heavily and returned to his room in a gloomy mood…. Wishing doesn't cut it. I Am useless. I can't anyone. Even she won't ask for my help and this proves it.
********
A few more days passed and Kashish behaved as if Sujal didn't exist or more like he was just a paying guest with whom she had no business at all. Always polite but uncaring. This didn't make Sujal any better either. With so many questions going on in his mind, Kahsish's avoiding attitude was grating on his nerves, hard.
That must be her, coming down the stairs. Hmmmm sounds like heels tonight. Wait! She is wearing heels? Is she going out then? Ofcourse she is. she isn't the blind, sitting around, good-for-nothing brat. Who is she going with? Her clothes seem to swish around her legs…. Ahh! She is in a skirt or dress. He will be able to see her bare knees! No! Unacceptable! She shudnt wear such dresses on dates. She doesn't know wht men think and how…… STOP!! I have to stop thinking like this. She means nothing to me. I am not even her brother. Only one getting tortured is me!
"Does ur date prefers u to wear skirts?" sujal asked as he heard K walking past him. Holy hell!! How did tht pop out of my mouth!!??
His question stopped her in mid stride, astonished.
"Wha… How do u know tht i? I am not going on a date."
"So u wore heels, expensive perfume and skirt just to amuse urself tonite?"
"….. Ah… n..no.. I … U know what grewal? Stop bugging me! Whom I go to see is none of ur business. And u know wht?" kashish recovered from her surprise with a bout of anger.
"What?" of course I know it aint any of my business. But I want to know all the same. Watcha gonna do about it?
"U think u r smart enough to figure out wht I am wearing?"
"There is nothing smart in it. Just practice and concentration. And I am good at it."
"Well I don't think so."
"Are u denying tht u r wearing atleast 3 inch heels, ur fav. wild flower perfume and skirt tht barely touches ur knees?"
Kashish gasped audibly, men, even with eyes wudnt notice the hight of her heels or skirt tht correctly.
"No. As a matter of fact u got it correct to the inches of my shoe, which I really want to poke into ur arrogant face by the way. U r the dumbest man on the whole earth. Guess ur logical ability also got hurt in the accident."
"Why don't u get lost and go insult ur date. As tht is all what you are really good at."
"Oh! I will! After telling u tht too are very good at listening small noises and analyzing them correctlhy to last detail and the fact tht it takes sometime 6 months or more for a recently blind patient to do tht. I'll also tell u tht if u had been practicing things with nancy. U might have even noticed tht I got my hair cut real short- shoulder length yesterday."
"U Didn't!!"
"Bye Sujal."
Kashish rushed out leaving behind a dumbstruck Sujal. Letting him deal with all the things she had told him. Perhaps learning new things wasn't as impossible as I had imagined it to be.
Next day sujal silently apologized to kashish for his pig headedness. All it had taken to convince him had been Kashish's one date and mention of shortened hair length.
******************
Sujal never really realized as Kashish had pointed out how good he really was in adjusting and sharpening his skills. He had finally worked things out with Nancy. Daily he wud have 2 hr grueling session with Nancy at home. Daily learn new things, understand his senses better, perfect his reflexes. Feel more confident of himself.
If things had seemed to brighten up when he had developed a new understanding with Kashish, then it was defiantly Blazing now, with all the progress he was making with brail and increasing his concentration, Sujal almost felt as if he cud do anything he wanted no matter his eyesight. As if this was not enough, he got the bonus of once again spending the evenings with Kashish in Ahoke's study. Apparently, he had made it the place where he wud practice brail. Kashish wud help him with some symbol if he got stuck and he wud help her with her preparation for bar exams. And once again together they wud help Ashoke with his cases with one theory or other. Things were defiantly blazing now.
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Anupamaa
35