A LOT LIKE LOVE#2-part 40 pg 128(LAST PART) - Page 67

Riddhima sat still on the bed feeling totally lost and afraid. A deep feeling of dread was paralysing all her senses. Random phrases rang through her head as she felt the tears which she had kept in check for so long roll freely down her cheeks...too soon...unexpected...I need time...

She had felt on top of the world when the doctor had told her that she was expecting!! She was sooo happy and she had been sure Armaan would be equally thrilled...however, his expressions and words had conveyed something altogether different...unexpected??!! Well, she had been expecting this for a long time...after all they had been making love for over two months now and they had never used protection...she thought this was something he had wanted..something they both had wanted...but Armaan had seemed totally freaked out with the idea of becoming a parent...he wasn't ready for it..it was only too obvious...but if he didn't want this then why hadn't he ever told her?? why hadn't he ever suggested using protection if he wanted to delay having a baby?? it probably never occured to him...it seemed totally stupid that he had never thought of the consequences but it seemed to be the only possible explanation...but it was too late now...she was already pregnant!! what the hell was she going to do?? She didn't want to force a kid on Armaan...that was the last thing she wanted!! she felt so lost and confused...totally clueless as to what to do next!!

Riddhima covered her face with her hands, sobbing silently...she had expected a VERY different reaction from Armaan when he heard about their baby...she thought he would be crazy with happiness and excitement...but he had seemed so shocked and not happy at all!! This was such a mess!! it was supposed to be a special day in their lives...becoming parents was one of the most precious moments in peopl's lives..but this was turning out to be a disaster!!

Would this baby turn out to be like her?? even her dad had never wanted her..just like Armaan didn't seem to want this baby!! only she knew how she had survived those years living with total indifference and lack of affection from her dad...she had been desperate all her life for any sort of warmth and affection!! would her baby be just like her?? live the kind of life that she had lived?? be as unloved and unwanted as she had been?? NO!! SHE WOULD NEVER LET THAT HAPPED!! she would NEVER EVER let her baby go through what she had been through...absolutely not!! but...but...what if something happened to her during the delivery?? anything could happen!! what if she lost her life just like her mum had?? what if her baby was left at Armaan's mercy just like she had been left at Shashank's...a father who never wanted her!! no...no..this couldn't be happening...she had never ever compared Armaan to her dad...he had seemed the total opposite..wam, loving, affectionate...but now all of a sudden, the similarity of the situation struck her...Armaan was just like Shashank in this way....he didn't want this baby...he would probaby take care of it but it would be an obligation just like how it had been in her case...!! nooo...why was this happening to her?? no!! she had envisaged a very different future for their baby!! defnitely not the kind of circumstances in which she grew up!! no...she had to do something...she had to!! she couldn't let her baby go through what she had been through...she knew Armaan would take care of their baby if anything happened to her...she trusted him that much...but she needed to make sure that her baby recieved love as well...she knew only too well how important that was...she would make sure her baby got all the love and affection in the world...yes....she owed her baby that much!!

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Armaan drove around restlessly. His mind was numb with shock...a father!! he was going to become a father!! Riddhima was pregnant!! like ACTUALLY pregnant!! god!! that sucked...like totally!! why didn't he ever think of using protection?? he was so into her at the time that it just never crossed his mind.....but now, for the first time, he realized how reckless he'd been....obviously she would be pregnant!! now what the hell was he going to do??

Armaan stopped the car on the side of the road and covering his face with his hands, he sighed....things had been going so well between them...and now?? everything would change...everything!! He had just started enjoying the feeling of being in love...of being married...of sharing a blissful physical and emotional relationship with the woman he loved...he didn't need a kid hanging on his neck already!! it wasn't like he was against the idea of having kids...everyone had kids...it was a part of marriage, he supposed...but not now!! it was wayyy to soon for him...he hadn't even given a though to starting a family...it was not like he never wanted to have kids...it was just...well, he never thought he'd have a kid this soon...he was only 28!! that was way to early to be changing diapers and having sleepless nights because of some kid wailing in the next room...or worse, in the same room!! he just thought fatherhood would come at a much later stage...probably when he was 33-34 or something..definitely not now!!....he was just not ready for it...it was too much responsibility right now and he was sure as hell he couldn't cope with it....gosh!! he could still see Riddhima's face flashing in his mind...she had been so happy...this was what she wanted!! it was so wierd...they had talked about everything except this...how come this topic had never entered their conversations?? having a baby was a very natural thing...it was just that neither of them had given it a thought...or maybe Riddhima had and presumed that it was something they both wanted...only she had been wrong...he did not want this...definitely not now!! He needed time...time to bond with Riddhima some more...to enjoy being with her alone...to talk to her without any interruption...to have her to himself...to have her doing little things for him which meant so much to him!!...it would all change when the baby came...godd!! once the kid came it would be all about staying awake late at nights, listening to that constant, annoying wailing all the time, to change diapers, prepare baby food bla bla...shit!! he was dreading it already!! but most importantly, he would have to share Riddhima...she had always been his and only his till this moment...but now?? he would not be the only person in her life...there would be someone else she would love...probably more than him!! even though he would never admit it, deep down he was proud and glad about the fact that he was 'THE ONE' in Riddhima's life...the first person...the love of her life...her priority!! he came before everyhing and everyone else...but pretty soon that wouldn't be the case...with the kid and all, she would definitely not be able to give him the same love, affection and attention as she did now...she wouldn't be able to do all the small things she did for him...infact, he'd have to do them himself...he'd have to help her out with the kid...it seemed fair enough...he would have to stop being so dependant on her and he hated that thought!! was he jealous?? yes, he probably was...he couldn't bear sharing his Ridz with anyone else...he couldn't bear the thought that maybe the 'being alone with his wife' time had probably ended now...he hated the fact that Riddhima would spend more time with the baby now than him...that she would not take care of him as she used to as she would have someone else keeping her busy all the time!! NO!! it was too soon...he couldn't cope with so much change...it was way too fast way too soon...being a father meant shouldering major responsibility...and he wasn't ready for it yet!! SHIT!! what a mess!! what was he going to do now?? what would he tell Riddhima?? he didn't want to hurt her in any way...he loved her too much for that...and yet, he had a very strong feeling that he'd already hurt her anyway....

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'Armaan? Hey!! what a pleasant surprise!!' Anjali exclaimed, placing the book she had been reading aside...he had told her he probably wouldn't be visiting this week as he was busy with work and so this was definitely a pleasant surprise!!

'Hey Anji,' Armaan said, glad that she was looking so much more fit and better from the previous time that he had seen her, 'hope I'm not disturbing you,'

'Not at all dude!! Infact I'm so bored...glad you came,' Anjali said, warmly.

'My pleasure,' Armaan winked, 'and may I say it's always a pleasure to meet such a beautiful lady,'

'You flirt!! You're married to my sister,' Anjali laughed.

'Happily married,' Armaan corrected, a smile playing on his lips as he remembered Riddhima but the smile was quickly replaced by a frown as he remembered the events of the morning...yeah, that was something he would like to forget...like totally!!

'Hey...wassup,' Anjali asked, sensing that it was more than just a casual meeting that had brought Armaan here..

'Didn't Ridzi tell you already?' Armaan was surprised...he thought Riddhima would have definitely informed her family by now...but Anjali seemed totally clueless..and moreover, if she'd known, she would have congratulated him.

'Tell me what?' Anjali asked, looking confused.

'Uhm..ya..well, she's expecting,' Armaan said, looking awkward...it was hundred times more worse saying it aloud!!

'she's WHAT??!!' Anjali looked shocked...but the shock was short lived...it was soon replaced by infectious excitement, 'OMIGOD!! THIS IS AWESOME!!'

'Yeah, everyone thinks so,' Armaan said sarcastically but the sarcasm was lost on Anjali...she was too excited and thrilled over the fact that she was going to become a maasi!!

'I just cannot believe this!! oh Armaan!! Congrats!!' Anjali said warmly, grinning from ear to ear.

'Thanks..I guess...' Armaan said, looking indifferent...he was kinda used to all the congratulations and excitement by now...he didn't care any more...his answer to it all was rather mechanical..

'Ridzy and you must be so excited!!' Anjali gushed, still unaware of Armaan's lack of enthusiasm.

'Uhm...ya...Ridzi is...' Armaan answered softly...this was getting more wierder by the minute!!

'What about you?? aren't you excited??' Anjali asked, as she finally deduced that Armaan didn't seem too thrilled over the news.

'I...I don't know...' Armaan answered truthfully...that was one of the best things about the relationship he shared with Anjali...he could be totally honest with her and it would be OK...she wouldn't judge him too harshly, unlike others...it was kind of like the relationship he had with Riddhima...only in this case, he couldn't really be honest with Riddhim without hurting her...and that was the last thing he wanted to do right now..as it is, he knew he had hurt with whatever he had blurted out at hearing the unexpected news...from henceforth he'd have to deal with this matter with a lot of care...they'd come too far ahead in their relationship to ruin it because of this!! he would not let this baby ruin their relationship in any way...

'Don't know??' Anjali repeated, raising a brow, 'what's that supposed to mean??'

'I mean this is happening way too soon for me. I'm just not ready for a kid yet!! It's..it's just unexpected!' Armaan said in frustration...

'I understand,' Anjali said, gently, 'It maybe unexpected...but..you want this baby right??'

Armaan looked into her questioning eyes, 'would it be too cruel if I say no?'

Anjlai closed her eyes...this was definitely not good news!! she knew what it was to have an unwanted baby...she had grown up with Ridz and seen what she had been through...she didn't want Ridzi's baby to suffer the same fate...!!

'Does Ridz know?? I mean about you not wanting this pregnancy?' she asked softly.

Armaan nodded his head, feeling guilty...that was what was worrying him so much..the fact that Ridz KNEW!!

Anjali gasped, her eyes widening in horror...she could imagine Ridz condition when Armaan would have expressed his true feeling regarding the child...it would have just brought back all the old horrific memories for her!!

'what did she say?' Anjali probed further totally dreading what his answer would be.

'She didn't say much. Neither of us did. I just...I needed time to let in sink in...time to think. So I kinda just left in a hurry. There wasn't time to say anything much,' Armaan said, running his fingers through his hair in exhaustion...he was tired!! exhaused, in fact!! he'd done a lot of running around and thinking for one day!!

Anjali groaned. Armaan shouldn't have left her alone in a condition like that!! she must have been really vulnerable and emotional at that point...he should have just stuck around with her..

'Armaan, you shouldn't have done that..' Anjali said, opening her eyes and looking at him with worry lines etched on her forehead.

'Look, you don't understand OK?? This whole pregnancy thing was totally unexpected!! I was just not ready for it. Would you rather have had me stay there and say more stuff without thinking that would have hurt her more?? Wasn't it better for me to just get out of there and clear my head instead of blurting out some other shit to her??' Armaan stood up in exasperation...why wasn't anybody understanding his point of view?? he had thought Anjali might understand...but no, even she didn't understand....

'I don't know,' Anjali said wearily, covering her eyes with her hands...this was such a mess!! totally not the way it was supposed to go!! she could see where Armaan was coming from...maybe he wasn't ready for this pregnancy..but she was more worried about Ridz!! What would she have gone through on seeing Armaan's reaction?? it would have just reminded her of her past...a past that Anjali hope against hope she would forget...

'I hope Ridzi's alright. This would have brought back horrible memories,' Anjali whispered, more to herself than to Armaan.

'Memories?' Armaan repeated, looking confused, 'what are you talking about??'

Anjali looked at him, wearily, 'Fate plays such cruel tricks sometimes. Just when I thought Ridzi was finally moving on from her past, she was faced with it once again,'

'Anjali...listen, just tell me what's going on here,' Armaan said, urgently...her riddle-talk was getting him worried about Ridz...

Anjali looked at him. It was obvious Riddhima hadn't told him anything about her childhood and her relationship with papa. Armaan had no clue about any of it. Anjali had deduced that from their previous meetings as well as he never ever asked any questions about Riddhima and her childhood...infact she had been expecting him to ask atleast SOMETHING but he never did...and so she decided that it was ultimately Ridzy's choice...if she didn't feel comfortable telling him, then it was totally her call and so taking heed from her, she didn't mention anything to Armaan either...till today. However, now the situation was totally different...it was like history was repeating itself..but she wouldn't let it...she had seen Ridzy suffer so much..not any more!! she decided it was about time Armaan knew the truth...the entire truth!!

'Armaan...I never thought I'd be the person telling you all of this. I would still rather have Ridzy telling you all of this stuff because it's about her and so it's totally her choice but for once I'm going to play the elder sister here and decided what's best for her and I feel it's best if you know everything,' Anjali began, taking a deep breath, 'Ridzy would probably have never mentioned this to you but when my mum was expecting Ridzy, there were major complications in her pregnancy. It wasn't something she was unaware of. The doctors were very clear about it from the very beginning. There was a very strong chance that she would lose her life or probably the baby if she went along with the pregnancy because from the beginning it was filled with complications. In other words, nothing was right about it and the best option to the practical mind would be to abort the child in the early stages itself instead of going ahead with it and losing the mother or the child or probably both. It would be much harder then,' Anjali said, pausing for breath, 'atleast that's what my dad thought,' she added bitterly.

'When dad heard about this, he was adamant that mom abort the baby. They already had a daughter...they didn't need another child if it came at the cost of mom's health or life. He was certain that he wanted mom over this unborn child. However, he had underestimated a mother's love for her baby. Mom was equall adamant that she would go through with this pregnancy till the end. She didn't care if she lost her life in the process but she could never ever harm her baby...never! and so the decision was made but you can guess that dad was anything but happy with it. Infact, from the early stages itself, he considered the baby as unwanted.'

Armaan didn't say anything...he didn't want to interrupt her but he was finally putting two and two together...finally getting the answers to his questions.

'Well, as you must have guessed, the worst came true. Mum lost her life due to extreme complications during the delivery and even though the doctors managed to save the baby, they were unable to revive mom.' Anjali wiped the tears that had unknowing rolled down her cheeks as she recalled their bitter past....to this date, the memories of losing her mother haunted her...she could never imagine how Riddhima had survived all these years knowing that papa held her responsible for it!!

'It was ironic that the day Riddhima came into our lives, mom left us. It was supposed to be a happy day for us that we had got an additional member in the family but the fact that it came with the loss of one our family members did not escape us. Papa despised and hated Riddhima from that day onwards, holding her responsible for mom's death,'

'Bur that's insane!!' Armaan said, angrily...how could anyone hate his Ridz?? she was the most adorable thing in the world!! and how could Shashank blame her for his wife's death?? it was so not her fault!!

'Tell me about it,' Anjali agreed bitterly, 'but that's the way papa was. I was too young at that time and was unable to process the blatant discriminations that began in our house from the time Riddhima was brought home. Ofcourse, as the years went by, it became only too clear...however, by then it was too late to do aything...I couldn't change anything however hard I tried. Papa was just not ready to accept Ridzy in his life. Ridzy was mostly under the care of the nanny appointed for her by papa,' Anjali looked into his eyes and said in a sorrowful tone, 'Armaan, I've seen her pining and craving for dad's love her entire life but nothing ever worked...neither her near-prerfect behaviour nor her good grades...nothing!! Nothing was ever good enough to please papa...at the end of the day she was always the daughter who had cost him his wife's life...and for that he could never ever forgive her. There came a point where Ridzy started believing that she WAS responsible for mom's death. She absolutely idolised papa and so she began believing that there was something wrong with her..that she was at fault!! It never occurred to her that it was papa's fault to blame her for something that was so not her fault...no, she started believing that she was the one who was wrong and she was desperate to correct her mistake...to get papa to love her, show her some affection, show her some attentions...anything!! That would explain why she readily agreed when papa put across his suggestion of her studying abroad, away from her. His excuse was that studying abroad would make her independant, that it offered much more facilites and opportunities! but the truth is that he could no longer stand her in the house...his own guilt at ill-treating her coupled with his belief that she was responsilbe for his wife's death made him arrange for her further education abroad...and so Riddhima was sent to the States when she was merely fifteen years old for higher studies.'

'Why didn't you stop him?' Armaan interrupted suddenly, his voice barely more than a whisper, 'why didn't you ever say anything??'

His questions caught Anjali offguard, 'I did!! I tried to protest but papa never listened...'

'Well, you couldn't have tried hard enough or he wouldn't have sent her away,' Armaan said sarcastically...he didn't say it outright but he was angry with Anjali...how could she have allowed this sort of ill-treatment of Ridz?? his heart broke to think of his Ridzy in that condition!! why hadn't she ever told him?? why..??

'Armaan I tried my best but you've got to understand that Riddhima had agreed to it the minute papa put forward the suggestion. There wasn't much I could argue against when Ridzy herself was willing to go along with papa's suggestion. Anyways, there's no point arguing over that now. I know it was wrong..infact, Riddhima has faced only wrong in this house...Anyways, when she got back from the States, thinking that probably now she could spend some time at home with her family after such a long time, papa put forward the proposal of marriage. He wanted her married and out of the house. I know it's harsh and cruel saying it like that but it's a fact....and ofcourse, as usual Ridzy agreed to that too...and so you guys were married. I was abroad studying medicine at that time and so once again, there wasn't much I could do to prevent this even though I knew it wasn't right...I just hoped her husband gave her all the love and happiness that she deserved and which she never recieved at home. By that time, Ridzy had totally lost the ability of taking any decision by herself. She just blindly followed whatever papa said, hoping desperately that it would get her the fatherly affection she had been pining for her entire life!! However, it was to no avail. Papa's attitude towards her remained as indifferent as ever. Gradually over the years, Riddhima withdrew into a shell. She hardly ever spoke or interacted with anyone. She never had any friends and was usually buried in her books. She lacked self confidence and had absolutely no control over her life...she was a mere puppet and just followed everyones orders. However, this time when I met her, I realized that for the first time papa had taken the right decision for Ridzy when he decided to get her married to you. For the first time I saw my sister genuinely happy...she was happy and in love!! she had finally found her home and moreover, she had finally accepted herself for what she was...she was happy with you and that was all that mattered to me. Today should have been a special day in your lives with the baby but with your reaction and uncertainty regarding the child it would have-'

'It would have just triggered all the old memories,' Armaan whispered as the feeling of dread finally took a hold on him...shit!! what had he done???