Wild Oats... - Page 4

am i done???? cool!! so here i go.....

gina, notty and sareeta...i hope this helps!

taking off from toni morrison's nobel winning book, SULA, a tale of an afro-american girl and her growth, her ostracisation and finally death in isolation, is probably one of my favorite books (apart from several others from morrison's repertoire!)

the entire premise of sula's character gains shape after she is exposed to her mother's comment that she loves sula, but doesn't like her. as a child, unable to grapple with the depth of that statement, sula's first rebellion begins with watching her mother burn to her death, not attempting to help her, just intrigued by the flames that engulfed the woman that birthed her!

i could summarise the entire book, actually rewrite it, considering how often i have read it, but gina's use of the same concept got me thinking, not to mention sareeta and notty's responses!!

it is amazing how when i first read the book at age of 16, my sympathies went immediately to the young girl who was privy to the fact that her mother did not like her. but considering i have read the book atleast once every year since then, my symapthies have progressively changed.

it is impossible to completely like everything about the person you love. love is en emotion that goes beyond mundane concepts of like!! one can never and should never attempt to, justify the reasons you love someone. it is an intangible and once the feeling is in place, the superficial dissolves into non entity and the feeling rarely dissipates. when unions split, it is not because the people involved cease to love each other, it is because the foundation of that union was not based on love in the first place. it was probably the more common compatibility or like that brings the said people together.

sareeta, your concept was right all along but for one small oversight...acceptance is bang on, but acceptance never happens immediately unless in a divinely ordained relationship as it is with family. blood ties bring along with them an unconditional love and the acceptance of another's flaws in almost automatic, because the love by itself is a default emotion.

with strangers we grow to love, the acceptance is a gradual process, almost on the lines of resignation towards the inevitable. once love is established, no amount of dislike can take away from it and since one cannot battle the strength of love, one grows into a mature state of acceptance. acceptance will never erase the dislike, all it will do is make you indulgent of the persons follies and flaws, perhaps in due course, make them even endearing to you.

so when hannah (sula's mother) claimed her dislike of sula, she was merely expressing her disapproval of sula's personality, but sula was still her flesh and blood, one she nourished and birthed and no amount of dislike could ever cloud her love for sula.

we dream of a day when armaan and ridhima reach that stage of mature love. they may both dislike each other currently but the need for them to embrace that dislike as just an extension of their own personality and not a vice in the other is de rigueur. armaan already acknowledges that he loves ridhima, he needs to establish that he loves her in spite of and not just for....ridhima on the other hand, first needs to acknowledge and then accept!!!

Oh my boy had sports day comin up so was busy with that and in the meantime looks like missed an interesting discussion going on.

It is indeed interesting to see what direction the track will take with introduction of new entries. Hope it is not the jealousy track but leads to realization that they are indeed meant for each other. That is a nice idea Aarti/Sareeta and hope it works that way.

@ Aarti Am waiting to read your take about not having to like a person to love them. Interesting point about us seeking compatibility to our personality in Mr. Right but the real one actually possesses the qualities you really lack. Liked the way you pointed the difference in the qualities each described, with Ridhima's being all tangible.

@ Sareeta: Agree with you that acceptance is a better word. Loved the way you said that Acceptance is the first step towards realization of love. Very very true. You accept a person for what they are becos you love them if i got that right. Interesting how there is mention of Hum Tum by spirit!! You were mentioning the same right!

@ Krystall

@notty You dont have to like the person you love!for some that holds true in the beginning for some it sets in at a later stage after having loved Theoretically speaking every relationship has phases where the liking and loving keep changing equations! Intriguing. Would love to hear Aarti/you and the others chip in with your views on it. Loved the analogy of ice creams. so true. Aah and the title also had my imagination run wild there for a minute!!


@spirit Loved they way you said "The point is about her realizing that 'Armaan is HER 'badtameez' Like Sareeta says that acceptance would be the first step in her realization of love.

@ gina...its up its up and am very excited about it...please comment soon!!! sareeta has disappeared.... 😭

Thanks Aarti for that explanation. Actually on a personal level also helps explain certain things to me. I have heard my grandmother also say the same thing about me as a teenager. I held it against her for a very long time and would rebel against her unconsciously sometimes surprising myself cos I was normally a quiet and obedient child, pretty easy going. I had lost my mother too and was having to handle that on one side and then this! As I saw it at that time I had a right to a bigger share of her affection and attention than my cousins since they had a mom. I didnt realize she had been around my cousins longer and from their childhood while I just landed up at her doorstep as a confused teenager and hadnt been around her much before that. She also needed time to get to know me and adjust but that didnt prevent her from doing her best for me. My dad sure had a handful to deal with on that score. It hurt terribly but the over the years I have come to realize that it doesn't mean she doesn't love me or care for me. I used to accuse her of not loving me (oh the pain and confusion of adolescence). She would stick to her stance and say she doesn't like aspects of my personality but she cares for me and both are different things. I respect her all the more for that now.

I agree with you that with family it is easier to accept the flaws and with the one you love it is a gradual process and takes time and you resign yourself to it since you cant do without them either.

It would be interesting to watch the journey of A and R towards that stage of more mature love like you say "in spite of rather than for ....."

@ gina...precisely why at the age of 16, it was easy for me to sympathise with sula, not hannah. at that age, it is impossible to understand to the nuances of like and love we cannot grasp that they are mutually exclusive.

as for being easier to accept flaws when it is family, i am not just saying it is easier, i say it is almost programmed into our systems!! begrudgingly so, we just instinctively accept the shortcomings of those with whom we share blood ties...it is strange that genetic material comes pre-ordained with this acceptance, which is probably why marriage is the only relationship one can break, because it is also the only relatiosnhip that is man made.

Originally posted by: vaarti

@ gina...precisely why at the age of 16, it was easy for me to sympathise with sula, not hannah. at that age, it is impossible to understand to the nuances of like and love we cannot grasp that they are mutually exclusive. yeah at that age it is difficult to differentiate. I actually just landed up on the poor lady's doorstep as a confused teenager who had lost her mom and expected her to compensate or take over. The way I saw it I had a right to bigger share of her affection since other cousins had their moms. I didnt give her time to get used to me and understand me. She did her best for me despite everything. Must have been so difficult for her when I think back.

as for being easier to accept flaws when it is family, i am not just saying it is easier, i say it is almost programmed into our systems!! begrudgingly so, we just instinctively accept the shortcomings of those with whom we share blood ties... Yeah that is true. We do come programmed with the acceptance. Nice way of putting it. it is strange that genetic material comes pre-ordained with this acceptance, which is probably why marriage is the only relationship one can break, because it is also the only relatiosnhip that is man made.

Interesting. Also explains why one is so accepting of one's own people but takes time to understand and adjust with the family of ones spouse and vice versa for them.

@ gina....oh my god gina...am sorry! battling adolesence is hard enough. god bless the maturity that life brings along! though i can completely understand, if not emapthise with your predicament. but am sure your grandmother, where ever she is, still loves you just the same and probably had a better understanding of you than yourself did!

and talking of unconditional love, the kind that comes with family, the kind we grow into with our partners...heres' something from the pages of my memory.

Unconditional...
Is a word
A fragmented thought
A diary page
Preserved letters
Faded manuscripts
Ragged snapshots
And inside information
On your soul.

-Aarti

Originally posted by: vaarti

@ gina....oh my god gina...am sorry! battling adolesence is hard enough. god bless the maturity that life brings along! though i can completely understand, if not emapthise with your predicament. but am sure your grandmother, where ever she is, still loves you just the same and probably had a better understanding of you than yourself did!

Yeah she sure did and continues to do so. Thank God for that. Was like an anchor to us and continues to be so. Didnt mean to get so personal, just came out.😳