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Dirty.
Dirty.
Dirty.
She felt so dirty.
He was touching her, caressing her, kissing her and nothing was wrong it it. He was being his usual gentle self, making sure that he won't hurt her in anyway. And she used to love it. But now she felt nothing but dirty. Even in the most passionate of moments, her mind was somewhere else. Even when his touch made her body shiver, there was a voice in her mind which was laughing at her. And when all was done and he rolled over to his side of bed and dozed to sleep...she lay awake, her naked body bathing in the moonlight. Her eyes were emotionless and she thanked the darkness for keeping her secret.
She glanced sideways and stared at the sleeping face of her husband. She kept staring at his peaceful face, his dark hair were kissing his forehead, his body was gently moving as he breathed calmly. She envied his calmness. Here she was, fighting off the disgust piling inside of her and he was sleeping so calmly. Her hand moved towards his face, wanting to rip off that skin of calmness. But when her fingers touched his forehead, she gently moved aside his hair. Her fingers traced his cheek, down to his firm jaw and rested of his soft lips. Her thumb caressed his lower lip. It felt so good to touch him like this just because she could. She was his wife and she had every right to do so. But still, there was some hesitation inside her. Finally, she pulled back her hand and just stared at him.
"Ruk kyun gayi?" He said with his eyes closed and she almost jumped. He was awake?
"Main tou bus..." She started off without any idea what to say. He opened his eyes and smiled at her and she felt like melting seeing his twinkling brown eyes, and she hated herself for that.
"Here.." He reached out to her and pulled her closer. Stretching his arm on the pillow, he made her rest her head on his arm and hugged her with his other arm. Gently, he hummed an old lullaby and before she knew it, she was lost in the valley of dreams.
This time, no nightmares came.
Dirty.
Dirty.
She felt so dirty.
He was touching her, caressing her, kissing her and nothing was wrong it it. He was being his usual gentle self, making sure that he won't hurt her in anyway. And she used to love it. But now she felt nothing but dirty. Even in the most passionate of moments, her mind was somewhere else. Even when his touch made her body shiver, there was a voice in her mind which was laughing at her. And when all was done and he rolled over to his side of bed and dozed to sleep...she lay awake, her naked body bathing in the moonlight. Her eyes were emotionless and she thanked the darkness for keeping her secret.
She glanced sideways and stared at the sleeping face of her husband. She kept staring at his peaceful face, his dark hair were kissing his forehead, his body was gently moving as he breathed calmly. She envied his calmness. Here she was, fighting off the disgust piling inside of her and he was sleeping so calmly. Her hand moved towards his face, wanting to rip off that skin of calmness. But when her fingers touched his forehead, she gently moved aside his hair. Her fingers traced his cheek, down to his firm jaw and rested of his soft lips. Her thumb caressed his lower lip. It felt so good to touch him like this just because she could. She was his wife and she had every right to do so. But still, there was some hesitation inside her. Finally, she pulled back her hand and just stared at him.
"Ruk kyun gayi?" He said with his eyes closed and she almost jumped. He was awake?
"Main tou bus..." She started off without any idea what to say. He opened his eyes and smiled at her and she felt like melting seeing his twinkling brown eyes, and she hated herself for that.
"Here.." He reached out to her and pulled her closer. Stretching his arm on the pillow, he made her rest her head on his arm and hugged her with his other arm. Gently, he hummed an old lullaby and before she knew it, she was lost in the valley of dreams.
This time, no nightmares came.
------
"Good morning Princess!" Udayveer came down the stairs and into the dining room where Manyata sat. Walking towards her, he kissed her on the cheek and sat opposite her. Manyata smiled at his kiss and stood up to serve him breakfast. His favorite French toast and freshly squeezed fruit juice.
"Yum! Thanks a lot love!" He grinned at her as she served him his breakfast. He was in his usual cheerful mood which always made her smile. They didn't speak much as he ate. She was just giving some instructions to the maids when his phone rang. She glanced at him from the corner of her eyes. He frowned seeing the name flashing on the screen and picked it up.
"What?" Though his voice was very low, she could feel the angry snap of his tone.
"Don't be stupid! And don't you dare call me again!" He said in an angry tone and disconnected the call. She sighed and returned her attention to the maid. The maid stood with her eyes bowed to the ground, listening to the instructions. But she started to wonder, did she know? Did she sense that something was wrong? All of a sudden, she felt like running away and locking away herself in the room. But then she just shook off the feeling, she was just being paranoid. There was nothing wrong. Nothing...
Pathetic.
He finished his breakfast and got up. Another maid cleared up the table. He was going through his cell phone as he walked towards her. She made the maid walk away and stood waiting for him to reach her. When he was in front of her, he looked up and smiled at her. Her heartbeat raced at his gentle smile. She could feel the blood rush up to her cheeks. She hated the effect that his simple gesture of smiling had on her.
"Ab tum aisi shakal banaogi tou main kaise jaounga?" He crossed his arms and raised his eyebrow. She turned her gaze from his face and shifted them towards her face. She didn't say a word.
"C'mon Manyata. You know this deal is very important?" He said softly and she just nodded.
"Idhar dekho." He put a finger on her chin and made her look up. Unknowingly, water gathered in her eyes. He shook his head slightly and held her face in his both hands. She bit her lips to stop from crying.
"One week. Just one week. I promise I will be back." He pulled her closer and rested her face on his chest. She closed her eyes at the gentle voice of his heartbeat. She felt so safe there. Part of her wanted to just hold him and not let him go. But the other part of her laughed at this thought. As if by holding him back she could stop him. He would go and the only choice she would have was to pray that he would return.
She calmed herself down and pulled back. Smiling at him and she stood on her toes and kissed his cheek.
"I'll be waiting..." She whispered and he nodded, smiling. Kissing her forehead, he turned around to leave. She stood there watching him walk out of the door. When he was out of sight, she closed her eyes and mentally pictured him walking in the long corridor and down the stairs in the porch. The driver opened the back door of his black car and he sat in. The driver closed the door behind him and rushed towards the driving seat. The driver started the car and the guards opened the gates. The car moved towards the gate and left the palace.
She opened her eyes and took some deep breaths to calm herself down. He would come back, he has to come back. She assured herself over and over again and went on doing her business.
Mentally, she made plans for the day. She had to order some new furniture for the living room, meet with the interior designer, call Unnati in London. So many things she had to do and she got to them without wasting a single moment.
The day passed smoothly and without troubles. She managed to smile and laugh effortlessly. She did all her works perfectly without making mistakes. The trouble started when she went into the room for the night.
Locking the door behind her, she walked in the dimly lit room. It looked so empty despite having so many expensive things present in it. Furniture made from the finest wood, lamps made of the most expensive glass, wardrobe full of all kinds of designer cloths, the vanity filled with imported stuff. But it was so cold.
She walked towards the mirror and stared at her blank face. The warm smile from the day was vanished. She just stared at her figure in the full length mirror. Wearing expensive designer suit and exquisite jewellery; she most definitely looked like the object of envy for any girl. Slowly, one by one, she started removing the jewellery from her body. First, she removed the gold bangles from her wrists. Then, she removed the pearl studs from her ears. Then the diamond necklace from around her neck. And finally, the platinum band from her finger.
She removed the light makeup from her face. Staring at her reflection, her hands moved professionally on her face as she applied the cleansing lotion all over it. First, her hand movements were swift and controlled. Then, they became and eventually stopped. Her hand was hanging over her face as she stared in the mirror. But she wasn't staring at her reflection. No...she was looking above it.
Shadows were dancing on the wall behind her.
Shadow of a man over a woman, moving in the rhythm of passion. The man was him and the woman wasn't her.
Manyata turned back quickly but there was nothing on the wall. Slowly, she retained her previous position. The shadows were. Her body started to shake in fear. Her hands were trembling. She dropped the cotton bud on the table and got up. Her body was trembling. She could still feel the shadows on the wall although she couldn't see them. And how could she miss them? They were inside her. They had been inside her for the past 5 months.
5 months ago when she accidentally stumbled upon some photographs which shattered the peace of her fairy tale kinda marriage. Some photographs of Udayveer with his arms around another girl in a completely indecent way. When she saw them, she couldn't move for minutes. When the reality dawned on her, surprisingly she hadn't felt angry or furious. She had just felt betrayed and a little hurt. But she put the photos as they were and acted on like nothing had changed.
But it had, she had been divided into two.
Somewhere inside her a voice had started speaking, started laughing at her when he touched her like she was his one and only. A voice that reprimanded her when she reached out for him. A voice that sneered at her when she was alone. A voice that kept saying how pathetic she was for being with a man who wasn't loyal to her.
She changed and sat on her bed. The night was going to be long and she didn't have him to hold her. He was so far away from him, probably in some other girl's arms. She envied him. He was so free. He felt that as long as he loved her like he always did, things would be fine. He felt that as long as his affairs remained hidden and casual, he was allowed to do it. After all, he was a Rajwada.
"Rajwadon ke tou khoon mein hi ayaashi hoti hai."
J had told her this once as a joke and they had laughed at it. But now she knew that it was true. No matter how much she loved him, how could she steer him away from his roots?
Her cell phone beeped, pulling her out of her thoughts. She picked it up and stared at the screen where the words "One new message - Halkat Veda" shone. Sighing, she opened the text.
"Ye raat tumhare bagair kitni boring hai. Miss you. Love you more! <3"
Unwillingly, a small smile crept on her lips. She hit the reply button and quickly typed her message.
"Line maarna tou koi tumse seekhe! Halkat vede kahin ke! Bus ab sojao...let's meet in our dreams. Love you...always.."
She knew he wouldn't reply to her text so put aside her cell phone and prepared to sleep. The voice inside her was laughing at her. It was telling her that his message was just a formality, just a way to block his conscious when he would kiss another girl. And look at her! She was smiling at that message as if her life depended on it.
"But it does...my life does depend on it." She whispered to the darkness of the room, replying the voice inside her. "Agar main iss baat pe yaqeen karna chor dun ke Uday mujhse pyaar karta hai...tou hamare beech kuch nahin rahega."
You are stupid...
"Mujhe pata hai..."
You are shameless!
"Shayad ye bhi sach hai..."
You are so PATHETIC!!!
"No...I'm not. I'm just so deep in love that I don't want to hit the surface of reality anymore. And if that makes me pathetic then yes, I am guilty as charged. I am pathetic..."
"Yum! Thanks a lot love!" He grinned at her as she served him his breakfast. He was in his usual cheerful mood which always made her smile. They didn't speak much as he ate. She was just giving some instructions to the maids when his phone rang. She glanced at him from the corner of her eyes. He frowned seeing the name flashing on the screen and picked it up.
"What?" Though his voice was very low, she could feel the angry snap of his tone.
"Don't be stupid! And don't you dare call me again!" He said in an angry tone and disconnected the call. She sighed and returned her attention to the maid. The maid stood with her eyes bowed to the ground, listening to the instructions. But she started to wonder, did she know? Did she sense that something was wrong? All of a sudden, she felt like running away and locking away herself in the room. But then she just shook off the feeling, she was just being paranoid. There was nothing wrong. Nothing...
Pathetic.
He finished his breakfast and got up. Another maid cleared up the table. He was going through his cell phone as he walked towards her. She made the maid walk away and stood waiting for him to reach her. When he was in front of her, he looked up and smiled at her. Her heartbeat raced at his gentle smile. She could feel the blood rush up to her cheeks. She hated the effect that his simple gesture of smiling had on her.
"Ab tum aisi shakal banaogi tou main kaise jaounga?" He crossed his arms and raised his eyebrow. She turned her gaze from his face and shifted them towards her face. She didn't say a word.
"C'mon Manyata. You know this deal is very important?" He said softly and she just nodded.
"Idhar dekho." He put a finger on her chin and made her look up. Unknowingly, water gathered in her eyes. He shook his head slightly and held her face in his both hands. She bit her lips to stop from crying.
"One week. Just one week. I promise I will be back." He pulled her closer and rested her face on his chest. She closed her eyes at the gentle voice of his heartbeat. She felt so safe there. Part of her wanted to just hold him and not let him go. But the other part of her laughed at this thought. As if by holding him back she could stop him. He would go and the only choice she would have was to pray that he would return.
She calmed herself down and pulled back. Smiling at him and she stood on her toes and kissed his cheek.
"I'll be waiting..." She whispered and he nodded, smiling. Kissing her forehead, he turned around to leave. She stood there watching him walk out of the door. When he was out of sight, she closed her eyes and mentally pictured him walking in the long corridor and down the stairs in the porch. The driver opened the back door of his black car and he sat in. The driver closed the door behind him and rushed towards the driving seat. The driver started the car and the guards opened the gates. The car moved towards the gate and left the palace.
She opened her eyes and took some deep breaths to calm herself down. He would come back, he has to come back. She assured herself over and over again and went on doing her business.
Mentally, she made plans for the day. She had to order some new furniture for the living room, meet with the interior designer, call Unnati in London. So many things she had to do and she got to them without wasting a single moment.
The day passed smoothly and without troubles. She managed to smile and laugh effortlessly. She did all her works perfectly without making mistakes. The trouble started when she went into the room for the night.
Locking the door behind her, she walked in the dimly lit room. It looked so empty despite having so many expensive things present in it. Furniture made from the finest wood, lamps made of the most expensive glass, wardrobe full of all kinds of designer cloths, the vanity filled with imported stuff. But it was so cold.
She walked towards the mirror and stared at her blank face. The warm smile from the day was vanished. She just stared at her figure in the full length mirror. Wearing expensive designer suit and exquisite jewellery; she most definitely looked like the object of envy for any girl. Slowly, one by one, she started removing the jewellery from her body. First, she removed the gold bangles from her wrists. Then, she removed the pearl studs from her ears. Then the diamond necklace from around her neck. And finally, the platinum band from her finger.
She removed the light makeup from her face. Staring at her reflection, her hands moved professionally on her face as she applied the cleansing lotion all over it. First, her hand movements were swift and controlled. Then, they became and eventually stopped. Her hand was hanging over her face as she stared in the mirror. But she wasn't staring at her reflection. No...she was looking above it.
Shadows were dancing on the wall behind her.
Shadow of a man over a woman, moving in the rhythm of passion. The man was him and the woman wasn't her.
Manyata turned back quickly but there was nothing on the wall. Slowly, she retained her previous position. The shadows were. Her body started to shake in fear. Her hands were trembling. She dropped the cotton bud on the table and got up. Her body was trembling. She could still feel the shadows on the wall although she couldn't see them. And how could she miss them? They were inside her. They had been inside her for the past 5 months.
5 months ago when she accidentally stumbled upon some photographs which shattered the peace of her fairy tale kinda marriage. Some photographs of Udayveer with his arms around another girl in a completely indecent way. When she saw them, she couldn't move for minutes. When the reality dawned on her, surprisingly she hadn't felt angry or furious. She had just felt betrayed and a little hurt. But she put the photos as they were and acted on like nothing had changed.
But it had, she had been divided into two.
Somewhere inside her a voice had started speaking, started laughing at her when he touched her like she was his one and only. A voice that reprimanded her when she reached out for him. A voice that sneered at her when she was alone. A voice that kept saying how pathetic she was for being with a man who wasn't loyal to her.
She changed and sat on her bed. The night was going to be long and she didn't have him to hold her. He was so far away from him, probably in some other girl's arms. She envied him. He was so free. He felt that as long as he loved her like he always did, things would be fine. He felt that as long as his affairs remained hidden and casual, he was allowed to do it. After all, he was a Rajwada.
"Rajwadon ke tou khoon mein hi ayaashi hoti hai."
J had told her this once as a joke and they had laughed at it. But now she knew that it was true. No matter how much she loved him, how could she steer him away from his roots?
Her cell phone beeped, pulling her out of her thoughts. She picked it up and stared at the screen where the words "One new message - Halkat Veda" shone. Sighing, she opened the text.
"Ye raat tumhare bagair kitni boring hai. Miss you. Love you more! <3"
Unwillingly, a small smile crept on her lips. She hit the reply button and quickly typed her message.
"Line maarna tou koi tumse seekhe! Halkat vede kahin ke! Bus ab sojao...let's meet in our dreams. Love you...always.."
She knew he wouldn't reply to her text so put aside her cell phone and prepared to sleep. The voice inside her was laughing at her. It was telling her that his message was just a formality, just a way to block his conscious when he would kiss another girl. And look at her! She was smiling at that message as if her life depended on it.
"But it does...my life does depend on it." She whispered to the darkness of the room, replying the voice inside her. "Agar main iss baat pe yaqeen karna chor dun ke Uday mujhse pyaar karta hai...tou hamare beech kuch nahin rahega."
You are stupid...
"Mujhe pata hai..."
You are shameless!
"Shayad ye bhi sach hai..."
You are so PATHETIC!!!
"No...I'm not. I'm just so deep in love that I don't want to hit the surface of reality anymore. And if that makes me pathetic then yes, I am guilty as charged. I am pathetic..."
----------------
It sounded better in my head đ
Love you loads,
Maisooma.
Love you loads,
Maisooma.
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